My Garmin watch lasted less than a month. At the end of our staff meeting today I walked outside to our van. I had an arm full of stuff like my planner, a pencil, my watch, my phone, my keys and those sorts of things. I thought I heard something drop but didn’t think much about it. As I pulled out of my parking spot I felt and heard a crunch. I drove a little ways and stopped to look behind me to see what it was and sure enough I saw my aqua watchband on the ground. I went back to pick it up.

So that was disappointing and I was kind of mad at myself. Josh said now I know what to get him for father’s day. I thought he was being super romantic and saying that me buying myself a new watch would be one of the best father’s day gifts he could get because of how happy it’d make me. I think that’s sort of what he meant. He said he meant I could buy it for him but then I would just take it and use it and eventually keep it for myself like I do his other things, like his laptop that I use for work.

The summer is moving along. It really is kind of crazy to have the kids all in the house again. This will probably never happen again to have them all here this long. Besides being extremely grateful that Laura is not allergic to cats, and having to deal with the basement that finally flooded again after rains of not doing it, I think it’s going okay. The boys are staying busy with their brotherly fellowship. It warms my heart to still see them playing (not video games as much) and spending time together.

Today Elianna and I filled out an application to the community college. The online program she’s been doing has not worked out. It’s been such a pain in the rear to get an internship figured out that she’s more than decided that she doesn’t want to do that anymore. After several months of shadow days she doesn’t think she would enjoy working in a veterinarian’s office. Now she says she wants to be a dog trainer. That is what seems fun to her and like something she could imagine herself doing.

As much as I’ve had a few rants here and there about the college systems and prices, I really had to fight with her to get her to see the value in still completing some kind of degree. I was struggling to come up with a good reason other than it just seemed intolerable to me that my intelligent daughter wouldn’t finish at least some college. We finally explained it in a way that made sense, that an associates degree would preserve the credits she’s already taken before and in this other program.

During the meeting the new supervisor started talking about wanting to hire a psychiatric nurse practitioner. For a second I felt so disregarded as far as what I could bring to the table. I was thinking that maybe I should try to get my NP degree so I could partake in this particular stream of income potential. For a few seconds perhaps. But managing people’s psychiatric medications would be so far down on the list of enjoyable ways to spend my life, there’s no way it would even make the list.

So I am not going to do that. I made my first student loan payment today and I’m going to work on that instead. I really am just in a natural state of accepting everybody.

Lately I’ve been feeling like there’s some hurt between me and my mother-in-law. I’m not sure if it’s mutual, but it’s definitely there on my end. It started a few months ago where something inside of me shut off and stopped seeking. Seeking connection through conversation. My father-in-law was always much easier to talk to, partly because he would just keep saying things to fill space and expand on whatever it is he was talking about, even if it was just something that didn’t seem small.

One time he told me I was an astoundingly beautiful woman. That is not quite the adjective, but it was something of that nature. We were sitting in his pickup after I’d met him early in the morning trying to reach out for some kind of help. What I wanted him to do was to grab his son by the scruff of his collar and tell him to shape up. But for 45 minutes we sat in a parking lot somewhere in Springfield while he listened to my woes. If he wouldn’t help me then what actual hope was there?

So with him at least it felt like there was somewhere for my soul to go. The way I looked like this withdrawn and reclusive person to many other people because of other family dynamics is something I’m still coming back from and am mostly (finally) not angry about. Life is too short too miss out on these moments and gatherings. I’m trying, slowly, to connect where the events are, the 70th birthday party, the family reunion for an out-of-town aunt. But I still do want to talk to her about this.

I used to look for you
in public places

wondering what it’d be like
to see you

Would we be like the couple
behind us?

Lost in a lover’s gaze
sharing chips

Or would our conversations
also grow old

The man in the front pews
the dad in the stands

One time it really was you
I kid you not

I stared longer knowing
you had changed

But now we just go out
the same couple

No longer looking for love
or for you

Josh texted me a picture of our son driving home from getting his driver’s permit. I’d been aware that this was happening but with other things going on in the day I had forgotten. I was fine with the third one but the fourth one seems a little outrageous. It’s like when they all get up and leave the house to go running. What am I supposed to do about it? It’s too much to fight anymore, either to fight for my way or for even for my own self to be understood and hear “that makes total sense”.

Some people say in therapy, “So I guess I just have to deal with it”. It always makes me pause in that “not so fast” kind of attitude and have to say, “Well, maybe….what do you mean?” What you don’t want people to be doing is resigning themselves to some sort of internal or external situation that perhaps could actually be changed with the removal of a limiting belief. But as much as I don’t like it, and have to practice saying it non-bitterly, there are things in life that we all just have to deal with.

I feel like working in this field forces me to be daily immersed in what it takes to be healthy and whole. It’s like I need those kind of all-consuming reminders. So that makes me happy because it keeps me so grounded. I know I should be getting that from God too and from his Word every day. How much more it could be! But even when I’m not he has preserved his Word inside me and somehow that helps. The nurse and I talked about reading Ecclesiastes again. It’s not that long.

After Joyful Hearts I always feel these pangs of regret like I didn’t show up as much as I could’ve. I feel like this year I was better and have been through this enough times to know ahead of time to make the efforts. One of the campers had a blanket wrapped around him this morning. It had a picture of his mother’s face along with the dates of the years she’d been alive and the word Mom. She died three years ago and he was missing her this whole time.

It was just the thought of him feeling comfort being wrapped in the memory of his mother. He was 25 and so I obviously thought of my own sons and the thought that I could’ve somehow even possibly had some kind of effect on them that they would be comforted to be wrapped in my memory. Somehow I knew in my heart that I’d loved them, and that they would know that I had.

The day got progressively emotional from there. I spent some time with the nurse and the hardness of her life that is always the case. I don’t know why it always feel so emotional each year to be with her. I think it has to do with having someone who has known you and your family for so many years. I am seen in a way that I am not with the others here as well as remembered. She remembers Josh and I from my days of extreme panic attacks in the CGC basement.

Ethan and Laura are back from the wedding. They pulled in just minutes before I was getting home from work. The day at Hope went well but I was tender from the morning so everybody’s stories were hitting me harder. I truly care about these people. Today was my first time doing a family session, a set of parents with a young adult daughter. I really love having multiple people at once.

A couple was there with their newborn baby. I just see all these people and feel so unworthy or unqualified to be just a regular person who is supposed to be able in some way to help total strangers with their problems. As much as I want to pride myself on clinical skills or have it be more about applying my knowledge, I think so much of it is still in the heart realm, and somehow that part radiates and works in ways I’m not seeing, but that I can still feel.

Today was a good day at Hope. The sessions went well and I had a chance to meet with the new supervisor there. We meet for an hour every two weeks. He started out with the question, “What’s your story?” So I started at the part where I started at Lincoln after trying to find a counselor and encountering a long waiting list. I loved LCU. Then they closed and I wanted to go to a place in person so then I transferred to UIS and I also loved UIS. I slowed down once I got there.

So that went well. He’s nice and everything but thankfully we’re not going to have to worry about any of those other issues. You know when you know. When I was finishing internship in December I gave my other supervisor two books that had made me think of him. Yesterday when I was there he asked me which one he should read first and I him which one I thought he’d like better. Then he wanted me to write something in them to make it personalized. I took them back.

I can’t even believe I’m saying any of this, let alone still talking about it. People have the same question when I tell them about wanting to do a day a week somewhere else. Can you not do all of that here/there? I don’t know how to explain that it isn’t the same. One is a mission and calling of a way to be in the world. The other is more of an outlet for experimentation and creativity. At least that is what I imagine it to be. We all know every place will have it’s own things and realities.

I washed his cup today. It was sitting in the sink when I went to wash my hands after taking out the garbage that had been next to the desk in the office I use for probably months. I don’t put things in there. One time he came into that room when Arya and I were in there and told us somebody needed to take out the trash. She confessed to being the one to fill the garbage. My ten o’clock client cancelled at the last minute so I had an hour to work on notes along with those few other things.

After appointments I came home and stayed in bed until it was time to drive campers down to the beach. I think I overdid it on Saturday with all the outdoor activity. My hip has not been hurting but my legs are sore and I’m tired, again. At three o clock it was time to go back down and drive campers up from the beach. It makes me happy that they get to go down there. Half of them don’t swim but they at least get to have a change of scenery and do something to get them outside in the fresh air.

Josh and I had our date night and went to Freddy’s for supper. Freddy’s reminds me of Auburn because that’s where we ate on the way home from state. After that we stopped by Baskin Robbins to each get a single scoop of ice cream in a cup. After that we came back home before going back to the CGC for the bedtime med pass and to see what was happening over there. One of the buddies was crying so I went to talk to her about that. We have a lot of good counselors this year I’ve noticed.

It’s too early in the summer for me to be feeling the frustration of camp. It’s just the back to back weeks of having people I know here where I am out of my routine and needing to be giving attention to other people. I am taking off work. I am not doing dishes and no one else is here doing them either. My mom texted today trying to set up a date for my youngest sister’s wedding shower. I told her the summer was better for me because in the fall there is the baby and cross country traveling.

I finished my bio for the other counseling practice. I’m actually happy with how it turned out. There’s this whole onboarding checklist that I am currently going through and that was one of the things on the list. I actually feel excited about starting out with this other job and the chance to just gradually see where it goes. Now I’m having fantasies about my Thrive supervisor coming to me for therapy and getting to help him that way. I feel like I was supposed to help him somehow and didn’t get to.

Today was a normal day of being around for Joyful Hearts week. The nurse and I set up the meds for the week with a new system we talked about trying during last year. She does most of the work, don’t anyone get the wrong idea. I am actually not there at the bedtime med pass right now. It rained throughout the day and the power went off for a split second. I prayed as soon as it went off thinking about all the people in the CGC. Thankfully it came back on because they really do need it.

I want to write about something else tonight but I don’t know what. Work went fine, thankfully. I like working day shift better than evening shift I think. There are good things about each but ultimately I like just going in the morning and getting it over with and still feeling like you have some of the day. The thought of being there until almost midnight anymore just seems like something I could do if I truly needed to but isn’t what I would want or choose to do if I did have a choice, which I did.

The days still seem so full. I don’t know if I’ll truly ever have time to write or think about anything else other than what is going on here. In my head I have mature words from a seasoned life. I can hear them faintly. At times I feel like they do come out.

It’s Joyful Hearts week this week. The younger three boys are working and I’m thoroughly missing having my little chicks under my wings. Elianna is with Miles after spending the day in Hannibal. Ethan and Laura are rightly spending time with the other parents. Josh is being a boss and being present for all of the people. I almost forgot I’m supposed to go put Zorro to bed. Sometimes I wish I had a person to keep me company, when I’m too tired to do much else besides write something.

About a month ago I told a coworker from the nursing home I would work for her on the 6th. I’d been mentally preparing ever since. One day would not be bad. When a shift popped up to work on the 7th I ignored it until my boss texted asking if I’d worked it and it had been a very long time since I’d answered yes to that question. Every so often you really need to say yes. So I bit the bullet and said I would work and have been counting down the days until these shifts were here this weekend.

I made sure Josh set his alarm for 5 this morning. We both laid there in bed trying not to fall back asleep even though we both wanted to. Finally I sat up moved my arms and did some neck rolls. He fell back asleep and I got up to sit on the couch and drink some coffee and have some time before getting ready. This is a very long way to say that I eventually drove to work and walked to the door of my wing to be met with a confused family member who was walking out wondering why I was there.

They had scheduled two nurses and weren’t going to call either of us off until they knew everyone had showed up. I didn’t have the app so I wasn’t aware of any of this but this was all very fine with me. The other nurse had worked the evening before, had turned around and come back for the day shift after three hours of sleep, and was working a double the next day on REACH. She didn’t want to go home because she needs the money for a backyard fence. She wasn’t going to give up her shift.

It’s been two months since I’d been there so I figured I might as well get caught up on the residents. They were mostly still the same except the person in room 10. But once that was over I gratefully went home and made it back to camp before breakfast. I still have to work tomorrow. But the day was good and it was a good day for doing all the Saturday day things. Camp had a generations camp going on so there were meals for breakfast and lunch and a cookout for dinner before they all left.

Ethan and Laura are flying to Texas on Monday for her brother’s wedding on Tuesday. He’s marrying a girl he met online from Brazil. They left in the evening to go to Auburn for the weekend. The rest of us met Grandma for supper at IHOP. I just felt really blessed to not have to work the whole day and to be able to spend it with my family instead. I told Josh on the way home that there was no reason for us to get up at 5 again and that 5:30 instead would be plenty of time.