Zorro and I walked down to the lake before work this morning. Dad and the littlest were at a chapel visit in Champaign so they had left earlier in the morning. All of my appointments showed up today which was nice. It’s gotten better since the summer but the damage was done and it went on long enough that the other choice became more appealing and made too much mathematical sense.
I didn’t mean for it to go this way. The Hope supervisor says I have nothing to be sorry for or to feel bad about but I do feel bad and I do feel sorry. I’m sorry it didn’t work out. I’m sorry that I basically just got there and now I am leaving. Today it was announced in the Teams chat so the rest of the staff knows now. I told my nursing boss that I was not able to keep up with ongoing requirements.
So that’s officially over now too. I need to remind myself though that being with one person at a time for 4-5 hours a day is much more doable and enjoyable than being responsible for 14 patients on a wing for eight straight hours. A part time job can be 15 hours a week and still bring in significantly more than if I worked two 8-hour shifts. One I could do for at least two more decades.
The boys were off school this morning for election day. It was nice for everyone to wake up and not have to focus on getting out the door. Somehow we started talking about how we needed to take another vacation to Florida. I told my cousin after the wedding that I needed to come down there and see what this Disney thing was all about. My aunt loved Disney and all of them love Disney. Every time we’ve gone down there they ask us about going but we have always declined.
So we told Dad our idea and before we knew it he was marking it in his calendar. We were talking about going in February or March before track season and he said it would have to be on a week when he didn’t have a chapel visit scheduled. I said that it’s early enough beforehand that he could still reschedule or cancel it. But thankfully during the boys spring break in March there weren’t any chapel visits scheduled. I told Elianna that we’d have to figure out something to do with Zorro.
I made the boys their sectionals video tonight. I’ve gotten lazier with the video making and sometimes things are out of order or the song and the pictures do not perfectly line up at the end. But it is what it is and hopefully they still appreciate them. The conversations have already switched over to track already so quickly. Josh made a really great supper–I love when he cooks. It was like every other day of trying to savor the moments and never quite feeling like you’re catching them all.
I’m looking forward to feeling like I have breathing room again. I know I have to sound like such a wimp to so much of the world, but this working schedule just…isn’t for me. I’ve lived too much life to be able to handle those requirements. Two and a half days would be my ideal. But who really cares what my ideal would be or what does that even matter? I’m starting to get that feeling like what I say does not hold all that much weight anymore because what I say so often or eventually changes.
There’s nothing to write about.
It’s November now. The sky has that November look. Josh said he had at least three reels in his Instagram feed saying that if your wife decides it’s time to put up the Christmas decorations, just to let her do it. He said he felt some camaraderie. I’m tired of my Instagram feed and hardly read that stuff anymore. My sister is back from her honeymoon and flew into Chicago today. Elianna drove out to Nebraska to spend the week there. She watched Lila several times today and did some dishes.
If my brain felt this good all the time it’d be great. Dad called while I was out on a walk to see how things were going since we hadn’t talked much at the wedding. I told him I’d call him back since I was walking with a church friend. He called back ten minutes later to say he and mom were heading into Litchfield to run errands but that he’d be back after that. We played phone tag a few more times. The next two times he called I was in full on focus mode working on old treatment plans and notes.
But we eventually talked. I’d been…mad isn’t the right word…but I’d been eventually worn down into leaving the rehearsal dinner after-party and going to bed after standing and listening to him talk for quite a while about all of the different things going on in his mind. I picked up a few more artificial rose petals from the tables and called it a night. Back on the phone he wanted to hear about how my counseling job was going but first I did want to hear about the wedding more and their versions.
Dad had danced with my sister, which according to my other sisters, was the first time he’d ever done that at a daughter’s wedding. We didn’t even have a daddy/daughter dance or mother/son dance at ours. I had figured my dad was more comfortable talking and so gave him the job of giving a speech which he did at this most recent wedding too. I pulled out my phone and recorded the speech and then later recorded the dance with him and my sister. Something told me to record it.
It was a very emotional time because I realized what I was watching was my dad facing his long-standing fears and creating this beautiful moment with my sister. Apparently the reason he’d never danced before was because he was petrified of going out there. He had two left feet, he was too clumsy, he didn’t know how to dance, all the reasons. But he ended up doing amazing and they even did spinning moves throughout the poignant and lovely Cinderella song by Steven Curtis Chapman.
We were 45 minutes into the conversation when my dad interrupted my mom’s turn of the versions to say that he did really want to hear how work was going. I told him that just today I’d written a letter a resignation for the Christian counseling place. I gave him several of my reasons. It surprises me how quickly my words can turn into a heated rant when given the chance. After that I sent them pictures of the kitten and my dad said to welcome him and I had that mild thought “I know, Dad”.
The boys had their sectional race in Elmwood this morning. I was the early driver this time and we left around 7:30 so they could be there by 9:15. Earlier in the morning Ethan had texted me around 3:30 to say that he was on his way. He decided last weekend that he wanted to try to come and surprise the boys for their race. I don’t think he’s actually ever seen one in person before today.
He arrived before the rest of the family did. So we met up in the middle of a the field and walked over to the tent. It took the boys about ten minutes to notice because they were focused on their spikes. But they were surprised and happy he was there. He was going to drive back after the race but Laura told him he should just stay overnight with everybody and then go back in the morning.
Dad and everyone else arrived about fifteen minutes before 11. The team finished 10th which is what they were ranked going into the meet. In order to make state they needed to be top six so they didn’t make state but I think they were okay. The bigger thing was making sectionals and doing so as a team. The boys did well and had their second and third best times. No one tried to beat the other.
So they were six seconds apart. The race was kind of a blur because although there are some good spectator spots, to get a good variety of views you have to sprint across the golf course. I had been really nervous beforehand which is pretty typical. My older son was reading in the Bible the part about the death of Samson. I assume he was asking God to give him strength for one last race.
But I didn’t ask him. After the race we went to Avanti’s in Peoria and had a sit down lunch with Grandma also. Laura had dressed up Lila in a fun purple ballerina costume that one of the camp friends had given her. We came home and I took a long nap and woke up after it was dark. So that was nice to have the kids together and for the boys to have gotten this bonus race in the postseason.
