It was another afternoon of sitting in the district president’s office. I don’t and didn’t even want to talk about it. It’s like I’m sitting in the middle of an episode of “How is This Even Your Life?” I am supposed to be a counselor now who has moved on from this episode and is now helping other people. There’s supposed to be all this redemption and learned lessons and hard earned wisdom to share with others so they do not repeat your own mistakes or end up like I very unfortunately did.

It is not even worth recounting all the times I’ve asked for help. Why now in 2026, five years after I first reluctantly went to a district president, almost six years from when I disappeared from our life due to being crippled and permanently injured and utterly crushed in my spirit, why people are finally getting wind that there was something not right, I’m not even angry anymore. That’s a lie, I’m still mad, but it’s like a diffused kind of mad. I’m not resembling a bomb anymore. I just inhale.

And eventually exhale. He made us pray for each other at the end of our meeting. He went first. Once it was my turn it was like I was mute or had a lump in my throat that did not want to move. I told him I would eventually get it. After I don’t know how much longer I apologized to God for having to pray for myself first, for him to increase my hope and my faith that this is all still for our good. I thanked God for my husband and for all of the wonderful qualities that God has imprinted upon his soul that has allowed him to love us so well in such wonderful ways. It was the God’s honest truth.

This morning we picked up Danny for church. He had texted me the day before to tell me that he had something special for me. When we pulled into his driveway he was sitting in his chair as usual, but this time he was holding a store bought bouquet of flowers. I stepped out of the passenger seat and he handed the flowers to me. He said they were because he could see I hadn’t been happy lately and he wanted me to be happier. I gave him a hug and climbed into the middle van seat.

I held the flowers in my lap all the way to the church. They did make me happier. Later when we dropped him off I thanked him again for the flowers and asked him what made him think of me. He tried to explain it in the best way he knew how and said it’s because he sees things and that he had a feeling. His mom changed the battery in the garage door opening system and ever since then he’s been able to get back into his house just fine. I cut the stems and put the flowers in a mason jar.

Later in the afternoon I went down to the lake. There were several Mennonite boys playing and fishing on one of the docks. Eventually all of them left except for one. I was there to read and get some sun but did not feel threatened or bothered by his presence. He came over to the dock where I was reading and cast his line several times before I looked up at some point and realized he was gone. I’d thought about telling him to try moving closer to the shade but I didn’t want to disturb him.

It’s been a busy past few days. Last night we were all at a cross country bonfire. We had a good time and stayed at least a couple of hours. I don’t know what it is, if it’s the lack of sleep more lately or what, but my day to day recall memory just isn’t very good. If I do not write down what did on the day we did it then I seem to have trouble remembering what went on. I was relieved to be home and put on my pajamas but I couldn’t tell you what any of us did. I do faintly remember doing our prayers.

Today the boys helped me clean. One of the boys went with Dad to drop off old and leftover chemicals and the other two stayed here and we cleaned up the living room and did a medium deep clean. The urge came upon me to do something major get rid of two of our pianos. There was no way to get them out of here so we didn’t end up doing that. I was going to get rid of my Barnes & Noble classics collection but I couldn’t end up bringing myself to do that either. I dusted my bookshelf.

We had this chicken that had to get eaten so I made that for lunch. I love eating chicken skin. Before that the boys erased their summer miles and made a new board for winter. I recorded this really precious video of them slowly erasing the remainder of the board and it was just so funny and sweet. It’s kind of emotional thinking about all those miles they ran. One of the camp staff stopped by during lunch to pick up his pictures and say hello and said he’s thinking about going to UIS to run track.

Elianna came over with Zorro after lunch. It was such a nice day we took a walk down to the beach and sat on the dock for a while. I had taken a shower after lunch and so it was nice to let my hair airdry in the sun. I wish it never had to end. We sat there for what felt like a long but good time and then went back to the house because Dad and I needed to get ready for a wedding. Two of the joyful hearts campers have been in love for several years. There service was at a park and was a sweet time too.

After that I went to a bonfire get together for work. We drove separate cars and after the wedding Josh went home and I went to the gathering. I figured it was good for me to try to be social. The gathering was nice and I didn’t count but I would say about half of us were there. I came home and people were hanging out including Ellie. After putting away the food I’d brought home from the party, I went out to the bonfire to say hello to the two of them. Lila has been starting to wear her fall clothes.

Today during a marriage session a woman asked me why I thought it was that people’s first tendency while trying to listen is to get defensive. She was reporting how her husband had done something different and listened to her without defensiveness. Sometimes people ask me things and I have to pause for a moment and think about what to say. But with this question the answer came to me almost instantaneously. I said it was because we are naturally self-centered.

And suddenly it was like it was all making sense. When we hear things, we hear it through our perspective. Everything people say is being filtered through the experience of the self. She said it wasn’t just him who does it, but that she does it too. I said that yeah typically in counseling we’re addressing in the man first because the woman is the one who brings up most of the problems. But I have seen it in sessions too that if he brings up a problem she does the same exact thing.

I made the mistake again of asking a couple during an intake to talk about why they were there, before getting to my other questions. It was back and forth in the most predictable fashion. One said something but then the other had to explain, which continued into an even further explanation and on it went until I had to say again that we needed to finish the other questions. I hadn’t done that in a while but I was wanting to switch it up and just see what would happen. if it’d be any different.

But back to the self-centeredness. I was completely shocked at myself that I had said this so easily. I wasn’t trying to make it softer or even say that being self-centered was understandable. And they shook their heads in full on agreement and told me that I was the one who made sense. The woman explored her own continued examination, that even when you try to understand the why behind what you do what you do, that is still focused on yourself and your own experience. Yes, exactly.

So what then is change? Change is to focus on the experience of the other person. What they were feeling. What they were thinking. And to eliminate the self-interpretation. It sounds so harsh though and I don’t know if there is softer or better way to say it. There’s nothing to defend when this is not about you. There’s nothing to be threatened when you are not even there, when your self is not in the way. It’s like a miracle undoing for all human relationships, this profound “other” orientation.

Tonight we went to the Wednesday evening discipleship classes. We’ve been talking about going and other nights it just hasn’t worked out. They have something for all ages including two adult studies. One is on the Book of Concord and the other is on the book of Ephesians. They have an Evening Prayer service beforehand which I did not feel like going to since I had just come home from work and needed some down time before turning around to drive back into town. I was excited to go.

I thought Josh was going to be in the Bible class but he was in the Book of Concord class. I looked around to find the Ephesians room and it was just the pastor and one other guy in there. He said they usually have about six or seven but they were missing a lot of people. I had this flashback of my grandpa with his Bible open and with another man also with his. I felt like I was intruding on some time they needed to have so I told them I would let them have their special time.

So then I went into the room where they have the services. I had to curb my disappointment that I wasn’t going to the Bible class. I sat down next to Josh and the teacher was in the middle of explaining one of the sections. I tried multiple times to pay attention but it was like I couldn’t keep from zoning out. There were twenty people in the class not including the teacher. I couldn’t understand what the big deal was but I gave the teacher credit for his smartness and earnestness.