It’s been very cold again today. I went outside for a walk and barely made it two minutes. It was nice after a busier yesterday to have nothing else going on today. Tonight for our family time we went to the store to buy ice cream. I normally do not care for it but tonight I did have some. I’ve been stalled out on my walking goals while this weather has been so unfit for walking. The scale has not moved in this month.

My limbs and extremities changed a lot over the past few years. I don’t think it’s stupid to talk about our bodies because I know that many women have things about themselves they do not like. It’s one thing when you feel it might be possible to change it but it’s another when you are sure or unsure if certain parts of you can change. A woman who has a mastectomy is not shallow or vain for missing who she used to be.

I tell myself that in dimmed light it doesn’t matter. But when certain summer clothes don’t look the same or you’re embarrassed for certain parts to be seen anymore it makes it different. I tell these women that confidence and how we feel is 95% attitude.

I proposed to Dad and the boys The Great Purging of 2026. In honor of the ten year anniversary of us moving here we would embark on a two month project to clean out the basement by May 1st. Nothing is totally set in stone, but it is possible Ethan and Laura will be staying with us in the summer. She’s going to do her internship here while Ethan works at the day camp. They could choose between the upstairs or downstairs.

That would leave sometime in May for the installation of the carpet. They actually seemed okay and pretty on board with all this. The hardest part for them is going to be getting rid of their things. The hardest part for me might be the reminder of all the money we’ve spent on their Legos. I am eager to make money to have more wiggle room and money for spending. There are debts to pay and kids to keep helping.

I’m still in the phase where I have to recover several days after working. I really don’t know how people keep going and lately I’ve been frustrated with my felt limitations and that isolation with feeling like nobody really understands. I just sound like a wimp and like I need to get a grip and keep moving just like everybody else. What I am grateful for is that I do still bounce back and start to feel ready again to go back for more work days.

I asked to pause on couples intakes so I could get my bearings with the notes and situations. I honestly never pictured myself doing so few individuals. I like that I can do it but it’s more like “Hey wait, I still do want to have one on one times”. The couples waitlist has leveled out but the family one is also long with only one other therapist who is taking intakes for those right now. I asked if I would be able to take any of those.

She said I could. I will tell you the only reason I feel like I would even try it is because the teacher I had at Lincoln (the hard one) modeled it in our family dynamics class. I would not want to do parents and children. I don’t think working with kids is my area. I need clients to have a certain capability for understanding. But they have ones with requests for grown adults within families and some for parents and teens which might be okay.

Again, this isn’t really what I imagined myself doing. But I do like have the opportunities to try things and get experience doing a wider range of therapy sessions. There are many parts to these types of therapy that I feel could be streamlined. And while I realize that it can’t be all about me and psychoeducation, there are things that can be taught, and then modeled, and then practiced. You teach the people to fish so they can do it.

Perhaps it’s wishful thinking, but it gives me hope that this kind of work is sustainable. With the harder teacher you never felt like the warmth and caring was there in abundance, but I learned in a way that I did not with the others. I actually think it hurt her feelings that she was known for this aspect. For me, I would rather people learn and have their lives be enriched with the difference of knowing than have them know me.

Anything deeper is just a bonus. It is a Lenten goal of mine to continue working on my “touchy feely class” as my husband helpfully calls it, so I can complete that as well by the mid April deadline. It’s just a matter of trying out and writing on seven more graph filled pages of exercises, writing the book report, taking the exam, and sending in the compiled documents and practicum info. It sounds like a lot but I feel like its doable.

I have a lot on my mind. I just want to be faithful the life and opportunities God has given me. That is my main goal. Today we went to church and Bible class at Trinity. The pastor is going through Genesis and today was Genesis 17-21. He started by talking about chiasms and then he said these chapters formed a chiasm. It starts with God’s promise to bless Abraham with a son (Ch. 17) and ends with the birth of Isaac (Ch. 21).

The middle part is God destroying Sodom and Gomorrah (Ch. 19). God had to cleanse the land before he could make it a place for his people. On either side of the middle is Abraham interceding. The first time he intercedes for Lot and Sodom (Ch. 18) and the second time he intercedes for Abimelech (Ch. 20). I forget sometimes how great the verses are that talk about how God is gracious and does for us what he has promised.

My niece woke up with a chicken pox rash. My sister didn’t know at the time, but apparently there was a toddler in church last week who my niece had held who’d had the chicken pox. Dad and the boys had already left for a track meet. The indoor season has a few meets and one of my sons wanted to participate. More power to them but I was not going to go. Not only did we have visitors but I needed to not be out all day.

Elianna was over for the morning with Zorro. My brother and his friends were here for the tree tapping so she was also here to say hello to the people here. My parents had decided not to come but then showed up at the window in the middle of me Facetiming the boys to figure out how to hook up the games. For a while it was very chaotic but in that funny kind of way. My nephew was also teething, fussy, and had a fever.

I wasn’t sure if the boys had been vaccinated. So I was looking through their records and the younger boys have all had one. I guess they’re supposed to have two. I don’t know if one is enough to produce immunity but I guess we will see over the next couple of days. My mother-in-law’s brothers were having a retirement party so Elianna and I met the boys there in the late afternoon. After that we had birthdays at Grandmas.

My nieces were sick there too with a lingering cough and cold happening. I never did get sick after dad and the boys but I’m wondering now if this will bring me down to a sick place. I checked with people before I came because I wanted them to be informed that we’d been exposed to this virus. By the time I knew about it I just had to embrace what was there. The kids were playing. My niece was resting. We buried the creature.

So it was all in all a good day. Elianna and I finished painting the dining room before we left. The dining room is slowly getting completed and put back together. My son was disappointed with the results of his race but I still think that he did a great job. Anytime you get out there like that it’s a reason to be proud. The retirement party was nice and produced a good turnout. The birthday party was fun and we all had a good time.

My sister and family are spending the night. Back in 2019, Dad and the kids found a salamander on the camp grounds. My nephew was very much into lizards and those kinds of things at the time. So they kept it for my nephew and my sister has been feeding it and taking care of it for all of these years since then. She had to order special worms. She and the kids are here to bury Squirmy in his original homeland.

The kids had their second ultrasound earlier in the week. The news has officially gotten out that they are going to be parents and we are going to be grandparents. I just think it’s the funniest thing to say but I’ve already gotten used to saying it. I am grateful that my childbearing years are over and that instead I get to help the next generation with their children.

They’re supposed to know within a week or two if the baby is a boy or a girl. My guess is girl but I have no reasonings for that to be my guess. Josh ordered a shirt that says Concordia Grandfather from the gift shop. It’s been a month and it hasn’t been mailed yet. We heard about this on Christmas evening when they had known for two days. Compared to the engagement this was an easier secret to hold.

Deep emotional healing is not something everyone experiences in this life. As I continue to reflect on the past month since I have begun this new job, I’m remembering something that came to mind when I was earlier on in my internship placements. Healing is a gift and a privilege. Everyone doesn’t have the time to invest in personal therapy or deep diving. The women at Contact were simply surviving.

It’s easy to think you have the answers. I am such a brainy person that I have to resist the impulse to constantly educate, teach, explain. So what if I recognize all of the patterns? So what if I can tell you exactly what is going on? If I have not love-the validation, the heart, the empathy-I’m simply droning on to evaporate later. If everyone would just listen to me then we could skip the long-suffering.

But there is more to healing than being taught. It is meeting people where they are at and not pushing them to be something they can’t be. I am not the catalyst for every person’s profound depth-work. I am the presence in the moment, the person who may or may not work out. This helps to take the pressure off of me and remind me the healing is in God’s hands. I am simply a vessel to hold the light and dark.

And the light and dark comes out from me because I am not made in a way to carry both features. I praise God for the ways he has driven out darkness, and inoculated me from old sins taking root. I am a captive who’s been freed to release and love the other captives. My mind has returned and strength became a different kind. I had a lighter load this week as it does take time to fill days and build cases.

A man discussed his captivity. I am both parts fascinated and completely unmoved by the predictable workings of his mind. Ages ago I wouldn’t have known my own weakness. I wouldn’t have known that this is what human beings do. I wouldn’t have been able to be free and anchored. I wish this freedom and anchoring is something everyone could know. But at the very least I bow my head in thanks to our God.

The boys and I picked up Dad from the airport after supper. He called right as we were sitting down at the table and I told him we’d be there in fifteen minutes. I picked a Matchbox 20 song to listen to on the way there. The boys had the chance to pick the next one which was I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For by U2. After that I had them play the song One by U2 so that was playing when he got into the van.

He turned down the volume when he sat down. I asked if it was too loud and he pointed to the back where one of the boys who had just climbed into the back asked if someone could turn down the music. I said now we have to have our romantic reunion kiss so we kissed until the boys were politely begging us to stop. I could tell he hadn’t trimmed his beard at all because of the lip suction. So then we drove home to more songs.

For Fat Tuesday the boys stayed up until midnight playing Minecraft. Dad was not here so I led the family talk asking about what everyone is giving up. I told them that I better not have to come out there and tell them to go to bed after 12. I woke up exactly at 12AM, looked at the clock, and heard them playing in the living room. I gave it 20 more seconds and by then I was hearing sounds of laptops closing and lights shutting off.

I guess they had planned this one last move to happen right at the stroke of 12. Today was one of my work days so all three boys left in the morning for school. They were meeting Elianna at McDonalds for breakfast who was also going to pick up her brother and take him back with her to Grandma’s. We had a staff meeting today and I met the woman I share an office with. She was the only one I hadn’t met.

I’m still liking it there which is good. Really the hardest part about it all is the sitting. It just makes my body hurt so I am not quite sure what to do about that. They tell you in school that you aren’t supposed to be doing more work than the client. In one of my sessions I ended up sitting in a lot of silence and saying that this has to be something you both want in order to work. I’m ultimately not able to make that decision for them.

God mixes it up so there are easy and hard ones. Easy ones so you do not get discouraged, and hard ones to keep you humble and challenged. Afterward I came home and grabbed something for supper before heading back into town to meet the family at Our Saviors. I was expecting it to be a low attendance service like the Epiphany one, but in the parking lot and I thought it was from a sporting event.

But all those people were there for church. So that was kind of interesting. I scanned the crowd and found the kids and my mother-in-law very close to the usual spot. There was just enough room for me to fit and I got there right as they were starting ashes. In the parking lot the boys and I were walking to the vans. At first I thought they would all ride together but one of them did end up walking my way and rode with me which was sweet.

The office I’m sharing has a corner shelf full of books. One day while I had some free time I was reading through the titles and found one called, Breathing Under Water: Spirituality and the Twelve Steps by Richard Rohr. Over the past year or so I’ve become kind of obsessed with the 12 steps. I am fascinated by what seems like a radical, hard, true, and slow progression from death to life.

On the last day at Thrive as a student we sat in the supervisor’s office, he at his desk and Arya and I on the couch and chair. I was feeling like I needed some time to process the ending of this experience that had been so oddly impactful. So he said, “What do you wish would’ve been different?” I started to tear up at the unexpected question and the answer that flowed. I said, “I wish I would’ve given more for you.”

Like I wish I would’ve stepped up more and not held so much back. I said it was imbalanced and he said it was supposed to be. I didn’t go into it all, but I knew that I often took the comfortable, easy way of being quiet. Not talking in group, keeping fear in the way. Letting the phone ring, even when it rang countless times in my hand. If I ever get the chance I would do things differently.

I’ve discovered that what keeps pain alive is constant connection to one’s self. It’s easy to see when I am the outsider, and I can sit there and think gosh, I am not going to let these kind of inevitable misunderstandings and hurts take over such control of my life and relationship ever again. But in the moment the pain is real and the requires some kind of delicate handling so as not to carelessly inflict any more.

The same is true for desires, which can become a source of pain for a person, which again continues because of that connection or attachment. The wounds and desires of a person feed off of that person and remain alive in a way that keeps pain ongoing. A friend was telling me about “the Jesus box” that her counselor utilizes in sessions. It sounds completely stupid until you think about it more. I think I like it.

There has to be a healing that can take place, and a cessation of the repetitive hurting. We used to write out our sins on a piece of paper and watch as they burned at the foot of the cross. I understood the concept, but not the impact. The same idea, I think, can be used for grievances. Let’s pause for a moment, write these down, get them off of our chest and out from inside of us where they can be aired and taken away.

There is no rehashing. There is no taking sides. There is no acting as some sort of judge who is going to decide where most of the fault lies. I really think it has to start there, particularly in cases where there is a colossal heap of hurt. And if someone doesn’t like the Jesus box that is fine but the concept and truth is still the same. This is not going to fix or resolve itself while two people are carrying and impacted by pain.

We surrender these things for Jesus to carry so that our flesh is no longer their source of aliveness.

The boys had to dress up for their dinner. The youth group was helping with the Marriage Renewal event being put on by the church. They had well over 25 couples signed up. Before it was time to go I cut my son’s hair which needed trimmed and shaped up. I swept up the trimmings while he went downstairs and got dressed. They both emerged looking handsome and put together.

I would’ve gone myself but I had already told Elianna that we could watch Zorro for the day while she was gone visiting Miles. He hasn’t had any other incidents and I don’t really feel afraid of him. Dad is on his annual NLOMA work trip. He tried and brought it up multiple times for me to go with him. It was hard for me to make a plan and commit. If we were going to go somewhere I wanted it to be when he’d be more free.

I dropped him off at 3:30AM. The local airport is only 10 minutes away from our house. He found a camp friend in Chicago who’d be on the same flight to South Carolina, so that was cool. Some of the guys he used to hang out with have moved on from camp ministry, but they’ve also been replaced with friends like this one who we’ve known since teen years as well as kids who have worked here.