It’s been a little while since anyone has seen the cats. We think she might have found a home across the street with the widow neighbor. She was walking that way once while we were driving into town. She saw our van and crouched down in the grass and flattened herself like they do when they’re hiding. One of the boys had captured some footage of her eating in front of our house after walking up from camp one day. Other than in a video from the dining hall, I have never seen the kitten.

Today marks the last full week of the camp season. It really does go by pretty fast. I have a lot of work this week with getting ready for a birthday party and catching up on notes and Relias videos for my jobs. My sister has a bridal shower and I want to make sure I have a decent gift with a bag and tissue paper and all of that. I still haven’t had a conversation with my mother-in-law but it’s coming back to me again as something I really need to do.

I have missed my own grandmother a lot. Today would’ve been her and my grandpa’s 74th anniversary. This is also the 27th year anniversary of Josh and I meeting. I can’t remember if I’ve ever written about it, where he was washing dishes in a purple apron. It’s kind of crazy to think we were meant to get married, have kids, and now grandkids. I miss my grandpa too who was a very gentle and funny man. It’s interesting how the various generations get forgotten and also remembered.

Tonight we went to the Muni to watch The Prince of Egypt performance. It ended up raining and getting cancelled. The blankets we brought to sit on ended up getting soaked from the downpour. It was a nice idea it was just one of those things that didn’t work out for whatever reason. So instead of watching the show we decided to watch the movie at home. It was late by the time we got home but I thought I needed to make the exception and stay up later instead of just going to bed.

Before that it’d been a pretty good day. We spent the morning moving things around in the basement because they’re supposed to come on Tuesday and put new carpet downstairs. The basement guys came and had several suggestions but none of them seemed like something we wanted to have them do. So for now the plan is to carpet the downstairs but to not replace the carpet in the area on the wall where it leaks and floods. They can figure this out at some point.

I don’t know. I’ve kind of lost my motivation and enthusiasm for the project. On the weekends I like to try and dedicate effort toward the mealtimes. Everyone was going to be home so I planned out the meals for lunch and supper and also lunch for after church. We made up the casseroles so that they are ready. I don’t mind the cooking because I know the effect is a happy family. It also makes me feel somewhat productive and on top of things. We also went to the beach which was nice.

Most of the time I drive away from work still thinking about the various people. The two couples I had are still in the early phase of meeting where this was only our second session. Another was an also new pregnant woman approaching the year anniversary of an infant loss. The other was a younger man I’ve met with almost weekly since he started coming. There was an another new couple earlier in the week who within the hour showed me we needed to do the sessions separately.

If he even comes back. This is exactly the kind of experience I was hoping to get. Another woman usually waits for me to initiate leading with questions. That’s not the way things usually go but with her it is. For her ideal self she wanted peace. I asked if she ever connects her peace to the existence of God. She said thoughts of God don’t enter her mind unless someone else happens to bring it up first. I truly was not even able to imagine.

She started going to church because she needed a church to cover her sessions. They say with couples therapy that the relationship is the client. I’m not sure that I agree. At least that’s not how I think about it and that’s not what I tell them. I think of them both as the clients who are in a relationship that is not going to be able to work without either one of them. Sometimes the parts of the relationship that need attention are the people themselves. I think that’s more how I would say it.

It had been awhile since my friend and I had gotten together for our book study. My being immersed in summer has contributed to my not reaching out. I had purposely saved my appetite so that by the time I got there I was good and hungry. We enjoyed our food and talked about our latest chapters.

Work had been a decent day, described to Laura as two hard ones and two easy ones. Two of my days I only had half days after I blocked my schedule after certain cancellations. It’s a math thing for me. My time is important and if I’m not getting paid I’m not going to be there for hours and hours.

I think a big temptation in the (lifelong) process of grief is to think the final destination is a radical acceptance of the brokenness of the world. The intolerable situation. The thing that can’t be changed. It’s a lot to get even there. But it helps me also to see that the ceasing of the fighting is better than the struggle. The peace is so magnanimous and so pronounced, to where to go back to the entryway, to go back to the starting point of all of our days truly seems an obvious fools errand.

Laura is somewhere around 34 weeks. Tonight we sat on the couch and she showed me her birth plan. The midwives make all the patients fill one out. It’s mostly just a communication tool to help the staff understand more about the patient and any particular beliefs or preferences she has in regard to her birth. I looked it over and told her the only main thought I had was that if they want to put an IV in her hand or arm that is not too big of a deal. They put it in in case of emergencies.

That way everything is ready to go if they would need it. So that was kind of nice to sit and talk for a while. I never really have been into the whole talking about birth thing. It’s one of those things you do and it’s so intimate and personal and yet nothing special because half the rest of the world does it (I’m just throwing out numbers). Personally I was always glad when it was over and everyone was fine. It seems like one of those things you could brag about except that so much of it is not you.

So those are my thoughts. I am content to let baby stay there, as in I am not in a rush, because I know soon enough the baby will be here. And with the birth will come many cares. I was out on a walk this evening thinking about pushing the boys in the double stroller. It was part of our routine every day to go on a walk and I walked much faster then even with the additional weight and effort. I do think motherhood is very underrated, but it isn’t something I have to talk about anymore now.

I had a new client today at Pepper Brown. It seems like I just started but it’s been over a month. It’s been nice to have my familiar clients while also waiting for other ones. I am not in a huge rush and she does not seem pressured to have us working or producing. These are the ins and outs that I am learning. The girl I saw is younger after I told the boss there that I was open to seeing kids. She is a kid therapy person and gets a lot of referrals for seeing children which is a hot market these days.

So I enjoyed meeting with her and we will see how it works out. I tried to give an impression with mom that I make no promises with this but that I’m also willing to give it a try. I am only there on Tuesdays and if that’s not going to work then this is not going to work. She will have to come afternoons after summer and while that is not my current preference I am open to things changing to where that can be arranged. Insurance is a pain but it’s going to be nice to be getting paid now.

We all went to the lake today. Miles and Elianna were going to swim the lake during the time between the day camp and regular camp swim sessions. So I went down to be the lifeguard. I started out on my paddleboard and as they were getting started I said I totally could’ve just swam with them. Elianna had warned me that they were attempting to do a fast swim so it maybe wasn’t the best time. But then she convinced me to jump off the paddleboard and swim with them.

After a while I realized that my duties were split and that I could not successfully be the lifeguard and also keep up with them. At least not swimming. They’d gotten far enough ahead of me that I couldn’t catch up so instead I decided to turn around and swim back to my paddleboard which I’d abandoned in the water. I needed to set a better example. If I’m ever going to do my river swims I’m going to do it with a boat or kayak alongside of me. It was a small ordeal to climb back onto it.

But in no time I was back gliding across the water. By then they were on their way back. I saw a turtle pass by below me and kept a reasonable distance between me and the swimmers. They completed the swim in just under the goal time of fifteen minutes. For the rest of the break we stayed in the swim area. I eventually took the paddleboard and went back by myself. I put the paddle down and let the water simply be there moving me toward the shore.

I love going to church now. It’s this family thing we do together and I feel like I am learning and reflecting on the teachings. We picked up Danny from Sherman and drove the rest of the way to church. It was a busy weekend of multiple camps being here from around the Midwest. I really needed the weekend days to catch up on housework and actual rest, so that’s what I did. There was a church service in the outdoor chapel Saturday evening so the boys slept in Sunday morning.

The pastor has been doing a sermon series on suffering. The first one was about the cause of suffering. The second was on the goal of suffering. The last was about the necessity of suffering. He says it a lot better but basically suffering is the actual way we know God and that we cannot know him apart from it. One of the passages read was Hebrews 2:10, “For it was fitting that he (I’m assuming he is the Father), for whom and by whom all things exist, in bringing many sons to glory (“that’s us”), should make the founder of their salvation (“that’s Jesus”) perfect through suffering.”

The italicized words were the pastor explaining it. So it’s not that Jesus wasn’t morally perfect and without sin, he was blameless. But something about him was not complete until he had actually gone to the cross. Jesus on the cross was the Father’s love on display in a way that confused and disoriented even many of his followers (somewhere he read about the men on the road to Emmaus). But Jesus basically says it had to happen this way. Because this was God’s will and his will prevailed.

Ethan and Laura are in Houston for a family wedding. They flew out Friday morning from St. Louis after her parents switched their tickets from Thursday evening. All of these wedding travel expenses they have covered for them. Laura’s newly married brother and his wife from Brazil are doing great and flew in Friday from California. Laura’s sister from Indiana came in with her boyfriend who we are becoming those people who keep asking if there are any known plans for them to get engaged soon.

Laura is the only one who didn’t go into Lutheran churchwork. Right now Ethan is still doing secondary education with an emphasis in math. I’m happy with this except with the wondering of how they will financially support themselves. On a pastor’s salary including this one it was always enough because we had a bump for housing which included a house where we pay none of the house bills. This week there is a guy who is scheduled to come and look at the basement leaks.

The closer it gets to the due date the more emotional I am getting. Not like in an excessive unmanagable way. I’m scared of everything that could go wrong of course. It seems like fear has always been a part of my life, extremely more than anger or sadness. Like it can just bring me to tears at times, but apparently so can talking about it. After camp we’re planning to bring a car load with the rest of the baby stuff so she can have time to get it set up and organized before the birth.

The boys and I went out to pick up the pizza for supper. I was in a worship and praising mood. Josh had ordered everything so all we had to do was make the rounds. First stop was the gas station where we found a pump that worked and roasted in the car while we went from E to F. Then we stopped by Ricco’s to pick up my salad. I drove down the road singing Wes King and Mercy Me. I tried to remember songs that I used to belt when I was in high school or college.

I love singing when the songs are precisely in my range. I had them play Bless the Broken Road by Rascal Flatts because even though it’s a song about earthly love (I assume) to me it’s always been about God and the love we have with him. I felt so joyful and free. When Katrina was driving from Colorado to here she kept sending videos of herself singing and belting praise songs. She had an incredibly beautiful and powerful voice. I was thinking of her and felt like her.

I really ought to do that more, the singing and not just the listening. I just love not caring what people think and being bold to love in the way it feels right to me which many times is through feeling almost like a child in the things I say and the way I sing. It reminded me of simpler times when the boys were smaller, before the days of running hundreds of miles and driving tractors. It wasn’t ruined by me going with them or driving. To them it had been merely a chore.