Today we went to church in the morning. They’ve switched back the service times to 8AM and 10:30. I can’t believe I’m one of those people who actually prefers it the split way. This way there is a choice on what the good thing you’re choosing is. You can sleep in and go for Bible class and church, or you can go early for church and Bible class and then also get out early with a little bit left of your morning. Today we chose the sleep in route mostly for the boys but we appreciated the sleep time.

Bible class had some interesting insights that I haven’t gone back to take a look at. We were in the Genesis chapters where Jacob tricks his father to obtain the blessing. The pastor was talking about how Isaac was basically clueless, not just physically blind but also spiritually blind. He also mentioned how one of the points was that Isaac and Esau were both ruled by their stomachs which I had never heard anyone say before. He mentioned how all of Isaac’s senses failed or betrayed him.

He said how that basically being ruled by his stomach and being overtaken by his passions had made him unable to discern reality. I get what he was saying but I’d never heard anyone say that before so it made me wonder if he wasn’t reading too much into it. But anyway after church we came back and made lunch using leftover and whatever we could find in the fridge. I told everybody I would go grocery shopping tomorrow, and straighten the living room, and those Monday things.

Josh and I went to the beach in the afternoon. This is the first anniversary in several years where there hasn’t been a ton of things going on. So we just enjoyed the day and hung out together. It was a perfect beach day again where there is a slight breeze and warm enough weather. We were out on the swimming dock and I asked him what he thought the worst part about marriage had been. He said probably our communication problems. That was basically my answer too in different words.

Then I asked him what the best part was and he said probably having kids and making them. That was basically my answer too, keeping in mind that this was specific to us and that other marriages might have different answers. The two of us went to Chili’s for supper while the kids stayed home and had something we’d bought them from County Market. It was a really nice day and I genuinely felt happy for the occasion and 23 years knowing this whole time we really truly did love each other.

I told the boys we’re entering a new era and we’re going to have a clean car now. It was more of a declaration than it was a direct order. We went back to the car place this afternoon and paid the money to buy this van. I had tightness in my chest for much of the day and wrote these emotional texts to my son about the history of our car purchases and how much of a huge blessing it was to have Papa giving us cars through the years. I was passing things along as he was also starting out.

The tightness passed when it was all said and done. I’ve been tempted to jog just to see if I could sustain it for any longer length of time. The boys completed their 1000 mile challenge today that they’d made up for themselves. This was the summer to do it as there will likely not be another summer where enough of them are running enough to make those kind of miles. It was wear and tear on my nerves but I am glad we stuck it out.

Josh took the kids to see The Odyssey this afternoon before the car trip. I stayed home to clean our room and made decent progress. I was distracted by the journals on my dresser that I had purposely set out so I would read them more often. They are the ones Josh wrote to me when he was in Seward and we were apart. Something about them makes me feel light and happy. Luckily I also remembered to drive in and pick up the keys for our car in the shop and to play with Zorro.

I feel like I have so much more I want to write but it’s stuck in my heart somewhere. I just keep giving these nonsense reports about kittens and we did see three baby deer on our walk this evening. I have not seen the kitten or the mom cat since the night when John and I were down at camp. I was walking around with Zorro feeling like my heart felt raw and thinking this can’t be what it feels like to keep on living like your heart is just out there.

We ordered takeout for dinner. We took a trip with the boys into town to pick up the food and bring it back. We were eating quietly for a moment and one of the boys commented on it being weird that it is just us again. Elianna was at a wedding with Miles. It technically wasn’t part of our diet but we are allowing ourselves some cheat days which I don’t want to do anymore, at least not with the takeout or Blizzards. It still just seems like there’s not enough time in a day to get everything done.

Somehow in the conversation of today it came up that one of our vehicles needed over $3,000 worth of repairs. It’s getting to that point where you wonder if it’s worth the money or is it better to be looking for a different vehicle. Two of our vehicles are currently having this issue. I suddenly was wondering how we somehow have gone almost 23 years of marriage with probably less than a year of car payments that whole time to now having to potentially take on two payments for new cars.

Different ones, not new. So we decided to take a drive to one of the dealers north of here and look at vans. Look was the key word. Long story short I thought I was making myself clear with the saleswoman that we were not here to purchase a car today, that we were at least going to sleep on it. And somehow still she was asking what price they could come down to that would lock in a purchase before we left. Josh was even looking at me like he’d be fine with us buying it now.

I don’t know how that works, where it’s “always” the opposite. So we didn’t get the van but I have been thinking about it for most of the rest of the day. It has just over 100,000 miles on it and was much more comfortably within our price range, and still was nice and in good condition. Even if we can get something to last us the rest of the school years, and something more reliable and still comfortable for longer car rides. I did really like it and especially liked the price compared to others.

The rest of the day was kind of a blur. It was one of those out of my routine/what day is it kind of days. I kept thinking it was Saturday. Ethan and Laura checked in and said they finished a 1000 piece puzzle they’d been working on for several days. I have a plan to pack a labor bag as well so that if there does come a time when there’s a call about a baby coming then that is already done and I won’t have to worry about finding clean clothes or thinking through it. I’ll feel better at least.

Tonight we drove into Springfield for Dairy Queen blizzards. We’ve been doing our little staycation things here and there.

Today I’m just exhausted from I don’t know what. It was a good day at Hope through and I felt like every session was meaningful and fulfilling. Yesterday I was kind of in a bad mood about everything once I got home. I was feeling really used and forgotten and just plain mad about specific things there. Today was not like that at all. It brings me back into balance to remember that God has put me there and allowed me to be there after wanting and hoping that this place would work out.

Dad and the kids went to see Spiderman in the theater. When I got home dinner was literally on the table and everyone was sitting down. Elianna had made a meal plan and gone to the store. She did the meal plans for the kitchen this summer so she has been used to it. She plans to move back to my mother in law’s house at some point despite my wishes that she would stay here. I think she and Zorro are happier here and have more to do. But I know it isn’t up to me and she has her wishes too.

Josh and the high school boys left shortly after supper to attend an evening fall sports meeting. They’d had a dietician there telling the importance of good nutrition for athletes. He also came home and said that one of the girls in of the boys’ class was pregnant. It was a whole big mess with the family and I felt frustrated that our human sexuality has to cause people so many problems. All in all though it was a good day and Elianna and the littlest and I went for a walk to the pine forest.

Last night I had a dream that I had started my time of the month and was bleeding through my clothes. I could feel it coming and leaking through and I was trying to find a bathroom so I could manage and contain everything and then figure out what I was supposed to do. The only other dream was of me in the Thrive office seeing my supervisor walking back and forth in his work clothes. I was trying to talk to him or get to him somehow but the dream was not allowing it.

This morning was a time to get back to work day at Hope. I need updated liability insurance and I filled out a PTO request form for Friday. I had taken the day off back when we scheduled to drive back with Ethan and Laura’s stuff, just to balance things out. Josh took the week off to have a recovery week after camp. We counted Monday as our overnight for the month but we still want to figure out something since our anniversary is coming up. This year is 23 years which I am happy for.

Tonight we walked an intentional mile. We’re supposed to start this modified whole 30 in August but we pushed it back until camp was over and we were done with the early month traveling. While we were in Seward I made reservations for two weekends in September. One was the potential baby baptism weekend and the other was the next weekend for a cross country meet in Lincoln.

I saw the kitten this evening. I walked down to main camp and he/she was sitting on the concrete pad in front of the girls’ staff bathroom. He leapt and ran into the woods and I turned around to go back to the house to tell the others and get food. Dad and the boys were heating up leftover brats from the homecoming lunch. There were only four paper plates left and I told the boys one of them was going to have to give me their plate. We put some food on it and one of them came with me.

It was this great little adventure where he could see the mom over by one of the cabins and I just had to believe him. So we walked over there and eventually found her and she came close enough to where he could show her the food and she eventually ate it. Then I saw the kitten again over by the Trading Post benches. So we stood there and watched them for I don’t even know how long.

So that was exciting. Josh and I left Seward around 11:40am. We hung out in the morning and helped them do a little putting together of baby items and shower gifts. Laura had already gotten a lot done by the time we arrived around 9:15. As I was walking up to the door Ethan called and asked where we were at. I told him in front of his door. He said “oh” and hung up. When we opened the door he said he was going to ask if we could bring him some food since. I hadn’t even thought of it.

He’d run 10 miles in the morning, which I knew he was going to do, but I had completely forgotten that they had basically no food in the fridge or their cupboards. That was one of the things we were originally going to do before the times were adjusted. So in my head I was like “Oh” as in I was surprised that I had not thought of this sooner. So we turned around and found him some food.

And then brought it back. We’d had a slow morning which included me taking advantage of the motel breakfast. Laura said she was fine and didn’t want anything. There were a few leftover snacks from the trip. For lunch Josh and I stopped in Nebraska City at this nicer truck stop that has really great bathrooms. We’ve never done this before, but we just got gas station food (truck stop food) because we thought it would be quicker and they had a good variety. Then we were driving again.

We listened to a 3-hr podcast of Flame telling the story of how he became Lutheran. About halfway through I asked if we could pause it so we could talk and connect more. Eventually I started to space back out and he said, “Is it okay if we turn this back on?” and I said “Sure”. Later I said we should play a game and he said “what game?”, confused because it didn’t seem like a realistically doable thing.

I said we could play truth or dare and he laughed. He wasn’t going to do any dares. I was thinking we would just have to do truths but I never pursued it because something about the whole game feels not right to me, like it isn’t my good side that plays it. So we just talked instead and it really was nice. There was still some processing that had to be done about the summer and the fact that it now was over. There is a mild bittersweetness but mostly just a happiness that the time together was lovely.

I did cry once we got home. I texted Ethan and Laura and said we were home and Laura texted me an emotional paragraph and I texted her one back and that’s when I cried. I guess I did cry in the car once after I’d reread the google doc of the book I wrote to Ethan for his wedding. I feel like I’m proud of and still stand by what I told him. We discovered a new Walmart in Cameron which was very cool.

We made it to Seward a little before 6:30. On the way out I called and made a reservation for the night. it’s a cute little family owned motel place so they asked what time I thought we would be there and I said it would probably be after 6:30. So we were early. They have three different buildings and this time we are in building three which I’ve never been in before. This one is more newly renovated and modern in its decoration. It still has that new smell when you walk into the long hallway area.

Two of Ethan’s teammates came over for supper. We sat in their living room and arranged the four dining room chairs so we were sitting in a circle. Laura and I sat on the loveseat. We talked about them being seniors and how for them some things had gone by fast but others had not and how so much had happened. They both had super cute personalities and adorable smiles. Ethan and Laura were glad to be home and back in their place where they can get ready for the next things.

We were in bed by 9pm. I told Josh I had that feeling where it feels like I’m almost too tired to sleep. He said he’s never felt that before. I can’t remember what else we talked about but I kept the light on and dozed on and off until eventually I saw that Ethan had gotten back from his run and posted his workout on Strava around 10pm. The teammates said they think they will be shocked by all the free time they have when all the running is over. I turned out the light and we slept until morning.

We had a labor false alarm toward the end of the night. After making the lasagna to bring along with us for the next day’s trip, Laura said she needed to talk to me about something. She felt like she had been leaking fluid for several days and today there had been more. None of my labors ever started this way so I called my sister who used to be a birth doula and who was on her 18th anniversary overnight outing with her husband. She didn’t answer. So then I called my sister who has six kids.

And is also pregnant with her seventh. She didn’t answer either. So I called my mom and she answered. She helped me talk it through to where the plan was to go have Laura call the numbers for the after hours call lines. She called the one in Nebraska and the midwife on call told her it was not a good idea to wait until getting to Nebraska which we were supposed to do the next day. This was upsetting to Laura because she had really been hoping and planning to have the baby there.

So then she called the on call number for the place where she’d been going this summer. They told her to come and get checked out to see whether or not the leaking is actually amniotic fluid. I know that’s what we were going to have to do but it was a matter of getting the official instructions on what to do and also where and how to go. Thankfully when you’re an established pregnant patient you get to bypass the ER and go straight to the OB floor where they can evaluate everything there.

She asked if she could take a shower and I said yes. If you’re going to be giving in a different place several weeks before you were expecting it the least you can do is take a shower and feel more comfortable that way. This all was happening at a much slower place and from the time when she first said something to when Laura and Ethan plus Josh and I were walking up to the labor floor labor floor at ten past midnight it had been a little over two hours. They went back to a triage room.

The nurse was nice and told us that we didn’t have to go back down to the patient waiting room on level 2. Unless they got super busy, it was okay for Josh and I to wait in the patient waiting room next to the triage rooms. Ethan send us texts that the amniotic fluid looked good on the ultrasound. Eventually he said they were able to go home and things were fine. We decided instead of leaving at 7:30 we would leave closer to 10 in the morning. Everyone was back home and in bed by 2:30am.

Josh said he was trying not to but he’d been excited to hold the baby. I had more been contemplating the ever present truth of needing to be fluid with our plans. Before that we had had a very good and busy day of going to church in Auburn where they were acknowledging workers from camp, swinging by Laura’s house to pack up their baby stuff (her parents are currently on a 2-week vacation traveling Route 66 and were in Arizona or California where they are also visiting their son).

We went to the beach in the afternoon. I didn’t expect them but the kids are very good about coming down when they sense I’m trying to have a family time thing. One of the boys was trying to talk to and figure out words to type to a girl he’d met at camp. After the beach we had some rest time before going to supper to meet my mother-in-law in town. We got to have my family game time downstairs in the basement where I’d been wanting to have a time where we used the new carpet.

The girls and I had a good time at the shower. We left around 7:40 in the morning and were back around 6:15 in the evening. It was nice to see my family including a few aunts who I haven’t seen since my grandpa’s funeral five and a half years ago. I met my sister’s future mother-in-law for the first time as well. My brother and I were the only ones she hadn’t met. I didn’t realize all my mom was doing to put on this shower and she had tried very hard and succeeded to make it nice.

While we were on the way home I gave Laura some advice. I felt like I needed to at least give her some words about motherhood before she left to go back. I broke it down into three categories. Herself, her marriage, and her baby. The first was to keep something in her life that helps her feel like herself. Going on a walk. Having a little job on the side. Going out with friends. Whatever that thing was for her that would help fill her cup. Once I learned that I appreciated its importance.

The second was just a heads up that at some point it might start to feel like his life hasn’t changed as much as yours has, and not to get mad at Ethan if/when these certain things about motherhood feel unfair. If I could go back I feel like there’d be better things I could spend my energy on. The final thing was to have fun with the baby. I feel like this is something that I did try to do. That was my more personal way of trying to say to her “enjoy it”. It’s crazy to think we’re in August again.

This afternoon after work the boys had their annual 4x400m relay. They had their baton this time so that was good. The track where we usually do it is under construction so we went to the SHG high school and used their track. According the to the boys, SHG doesn’t care about their track team which is why their track has no stands on anyway on the side to sit. Instead of filming from the middle top of the stands I was at the start line and filmed from there. I think they were happy.

I’m still thinking about one of the patients I saw today and it is not uncommon for me to think about him for the rest of the day. I feel like today was the farthest I’ve gone with trying to incorporate my somatic tools and be brave enough to teach it to somebody else. It just takes me getting over this hump and not holding back when I think there is something that could actually help someone. There is a balance between talking and simply being in the moment without feeling like I need to explain.

He’s very handsome but it isn’t like that, even though there is some kind of felt longing where I am wanting to connect but in an unexplainable, pure way. After the relay the girls and I went to Target to finish finding gifts for my sister who is having her bridal shower tomorrow. It’s a bit of a drive to get up there but I would not want to miss it. Tonight we watched the brothers 4×4 videos from the past four years so that was fun. It’s kind of silly to watch them but it is a way to bond as a family.