Yesterday was a productive day. I am liking the rhythm of having three work days at Hope with the four day stretch of time to do other things. I had an appointment at my other place, this time in the afternoon. I loved that I still had the morning to be home. Because I don’t know how this is going to work out with the baby, or if I’m going to have to up cancelling some appointments when we leave to go out there, I didn’t want to miss a day this week. Starting out you have to put in more time.

I come away from there happy and energized to have that job too. It sort of fills in the gaps of what the other one is lacking including higher pay, an office space to call my own and develop (and share with interns), and more up close and personal and insider knowledge on how things work. One of the things we also did this week was go to the nurse practitioner for a follow up hospital discharge visit. The practitioner gave her opinions and said that health care for women has come a long way.

She asked if I suffered from anything. None of the physical symptoms that I have had checked out along the way came to mind. Instead it was the mental drop into dissatisfaction that happens every month like clockwork. Yesterday I was briefly looking up SSRI’s and very close to deciding to try dosing with them only for the duration of the luteal phase. I was thinking it would absolutely be worth it if it made it so that I did not have to try to convince myself half of my days that I am happy.

The B6 gave me nightmares and I quit that after three days. I had a random thought to try it again with B1 based on a YouTube video I had watched several years ago. The thing is, I do think that it has been getting better, like something in my brain has finally started to heal. I did tell my husband that if I ever found out that there was some kind of addiction or relationship that had stunted his growth somehow or prevented us from bonding more deeply I would be done instantly. Not after all of this.

I don’t think we talk enough about the struggles of being faithful. In my 20’s it was the exhaustion of raising littles and the completely consumption of my life. In my 30’s, when I had gained back some energy and was feeling more like myself, there was the utter agony of being trapped without any sexual variety. Like the thought of never being with another man was completely soul crushing. In my 40’s it’s more like this repeated wondering of who or where the problem is or has been for us.

Usually I tend to think it’s him. The other thing about my 40’s is this kind of deadening to how I thought I personally or other things should be and being okay with it. The part that gives me hope is when I think about how none of the problems in each of these decades lasted. They passed and became something else. I think it’s important to know this because of other people who might be going through it and needing to know also that the pain of these harder times does not last forever.

There isn’t always a clear distinction for me of when something demands action or if something is simply a cross you are bearing. Having some agency and the ability to control my life seems to matter. But so does being open to the things that are harder. I feel like I dismissed my own problems for so long, or mentally gymnastics’d myself out of a sane solution that it’s been hard for me to go back to at least trying to be reasonable, or praying for God to change my thoughts if he can.

This evening I drove into Athens to drop off my son’s registration papers. In order to be enrolled in the trade school in town they have to be registered through their local public high school. So even though he’s a student somewhere else, he still needs to go through the public school and have $97 fee paid. That’s new from last year so the two school secretaries and I had to email back and forth a couple of times to figure all of this out. The public school was having an open house tonight.

One of the boys came with me. He was going to stay in the van and keep listening to the Cardinals game, but I tried to ask him, “Aren’t you curious?” As in, didn’t he have even the slightest bit of curiosity about what the school where he would’ve or could’ve been going to right now is like? He really didn’t but at the last minute he did decide to come along. It didn’t take very long at all and he noted that the secretary was nice. I said she was and that you have to be with a job such as that.

After that we went to Dollar General. He wanted to get some candy and I was going to look at the decorations. I was feeling the need for a little bit of retail therapy. I bought something to hang on the front door that says Bee Happy and has bright colorful flowers on it. There are always people in the Dollar General there that I am pretty sure are using drugs. After that we drove to the Athens track to see the new and improved version. It looks amazing. We walked over to it to get a closer look.

Masyn Winn hit a home run while we were listening.

I love the August days that reassure us fall is coming. It hasn’t been that hot of a summer this year, but even so. I spent part of the day trying to focus my mind on the emails and tasks at hand to get the boys ready for school. At the dinner table we were talking about how if there had only been two of them we would be empty nesters. Since the first senior happened the others have come and happened in rapid succession. In addition to one in high school, there will also be a senior in college.

Elianna wants to work and travel and visit her college friends. Everyone seems to think that it’s fine to be 19 and not know what you want to do. I seem to have more of a mindset that time is something that shouldn’t be wasted. It doesn’t mean I’m not supportive but it does mean that I don’t know how to support this or figure out the next direction when it is off the beaten path. My plan is not that different to be honest. To work and travel and visit grandkids and keep being a mom here.

So I have got to do something different. I see this Instagram mom in the middle of raising all her small and medium kids and truly can’t believe the mental energy she puts toward thinking about her children and the ins, outs, wishes, and intentions of raising them. I feel scandalized in some way, close to grossed out, like no person deservers that amount of thought and attention from another human. But when it is me who is doing it, there is no aversion or dislike. It is our pure joy to give.

Well enough of the reveries. Tonight we went for a walk on the bike trail. We’re two miles away and hardly ever go over there. It was a wish of mine to bring the kids with their bikes but at the time it always seemed too cumbersome of a feat to attempt. That was something I thought we could do in the empty nest years. I still see plenty of things to do, between working, visiting kids, exercising, and maybe being more involved with a church group. This is all assuming one is alive and able bodied.

But I felt this renewal, as I tend to feel in the fall, of fresh idea and dedication. To not get to the end of another season or stretch of childhood without all the memories of what we could’ve, would’ve, should’ve done. I’ve confused myself with that sentence but do not even have the wishes or the will to try and fix it. What I mean is to keep going, living, doing, and trying to invest. But to do it now and still from a place of peace and contentment and grateful energy for the chance to even do it at all.

Going to church together has had several benefits that I can see. The first is that I am going to church now. Before that I had basically given up going. I didn’t care if it made my kids upset or my husband displeased with me. By that I mean that those two things were not enough to get me to go anyway to make them happy or to produce in me a sense of duty to at least go for them. I’d worked on my attitude for years. Maybe something was actually just wrong with the situation or the church.

The second benefit that I have seen is that I do not have the loneliness or dread that I had for years when I was actually going. Like it just isn’t there at all now. I like driving to church together and even if we’re going to early service and leaving extra early and even earlier to pick up a camp friend I am happy to do it and it doesn’t bother me. The boys are in the back seat and Elianna has been coming with us too in the summer. There’s no more watching them walk away while I remain in the house.

The third benefit I can see is that I actually like the pastors and hearing what they have to say. The head pastor is a really great Bible teacher. I don’t know how to explain the metrics I’m using to determine that. Basically I would say that he is one with the text. He is the one who loves it and is drawn toward learning it himself. He puts down Baptists sometimes but I have thought about telling him that he should be grateful toward them and credit them for teaching him so much of the Bible.

So those are the big ones. The thing that hasn’t really changed much is feeling like there still isn’t much of a church community to be a part of. You sit in the pew for a little over an hour, and then drive to the school to sit in the chair for Bible class, but there isn’t much else happening socially. There are some people and couples our age but no one who really stands out as the, “We ought to totally be friends with them” people. I don’t crave friendship as much but I do still wonder about it.

The friends I thought we’d have for life did not turn out to be that way. Now I understand that friend breakups are a thing, but before it had happened I had no idea, not to that deep and painful extent. And we were the ones who were clearly broken up with. One of those couples is now divorced and another we do not talk to and have not talked to since almost ten years ago when we went our separate ways on vacation. I’ve noticed I do not trust people the same, or put my heart out for them.

This morning we woke up and had a pretty chill morning. We made a meal plan for the week. I worked on laundry and made the boys breakfast. There was another family reunion in town on Josh’s dad’s side that started at noon. I didn’t really want to go but it’s one of those things where we’ve been going to this reunion now for over twenty years. Not every year, but enough where the kids have memories of going and it being fun. I wanted to stay home and focus on house chores.

But they convinced me to go by saying we’d leave by two at the latest. At 1:52 the boys had advanced to the second level of the cornhole tournament which this year had a prize for first and second. I was sitting with Josh’s mom and actually wasn’t having too bad of a time. We used to go because it made my father-in-law very happy and also Josh’s grandma. I know everyone is busy these days it just feels like it’s hard to ever feeling there’s a weekend where you can just be home.

So of course we stayed to finish the tournament and the boys got second and each won a $10 Amazon gift card. They were starting BINGO after that but we packed up and headed back home. Not long after that we took a ride in the gator to map a course for a guy who wants to sponsor a race here. He has a timing company and he puts on races. It wasn’t quite a 5k so they’ll have to figure out how to make it longer. Elianna went to the store. The boys ran. We had a very nice day.

My mind is needing to detox from all of the work things. I had intentions on what to write about but was distracted by the boys out running after dark. One is now home and the other is still out there apparently running seven miles. I could feel the rage simmering under the surface but when he walked in and I saw him I suddenly softened, not that I would’ve let that part of me touch him. I said, in what I thought was a loving voice, “That’s not going to happen again”. The being out after dark.

But how to distract myself in the meantime. The state fair is happening now. Somehow they always manage to get fairly famous country singers. This year I think it’s Lainey Wilson and I already mentioned once they are having Matchbox 20. They are having a tribute band do a Fleetwood Mac tribute where one night they’re playing all Fleetwood Mac songs. I really don’t like the fair and do not really enjoy going. I also don’t understand wanting to take your kids to Disney World for vacation.

It’s just never appealed to me. If my aunt was still alive and still had her lifetime passes to Disney World, I would definitely take her up on her offer to share them at some point. But when we were down there I always wanted to be with my grandparents as much as possible. The other one is back now. There isn’t much else to say. I almost had an inkling earlier to start the planning for Thanksgiving. With this one I said, “Judah dear…” and something about keeping the running before dark.

I’ve been dreaming up ideas for when I have my own business someday. My product would be counseling, coaching, or therapy services at an affordable rate. I would not use insurance and therefore would not have to go through the lengthy and cumbersome credentialing process or keep and submit the records that are a part of that deal. It’s something I am able to get started on now, with the continuous working toward my hours, and the organizing and solidifying of all the ideas.

They say you have to have a niche if you’re going to be able to sustain a practice that is filled with only self-pay clients. To me the niche would be the affordable pricing combined with the wide variety of services offered. This would all have to be sorted out and described in a website. That’s another thing I can work on in the margins of my time, because you can do all of that without it ever being live and you don’t make it public until it’s ready. The somatic practitioner course came with an additional “master” level course that includes a whole business section that I am trying to take more seriously and not skip or rush through it.

I keep thinking about how I’ve done nothing to the schoolroom. I did buy some back-to-school window clings in Aldi when I browsed the random “stuff” isle. You have to do that too because not all your ideas can be internally generated. They have to come from somewhere else that either sparks or inspires it. I’ve been working on my schedule so I have more time to fit in school.

I finally had a better day at Hope after some discouraging weeks of cancellations, dud intakes, and overall frustrations of how my time was not being spent. It was good to feel productive again and to reconnect with some people who’d been out for summer travel. The mix of doing couples and individuals is the perfect fit for me. The longer I do couples the more I think I need to put together a handout of the top five things people need to learn and will learn no matter what from counseling.

So at the very least, if they can do these five things, things will generally go better. Most of them have to do with navigating conflict and repairing after arguments. One of them is the “do-over” which we learned from the intensive. The idea is you have a fight or tense interaction and one of the people takes the step to say something like, “I don’t like how that went and I am wondering if we can have a do-over. XYZ is not how I want to show up. Can we try this (conversation/interaction) again?”

Many people are reporting being tired and I am with them. I think it must be something with the midwestern air. I’ve been awake since 3:30 and am definitely ready to fall asleep. I would say I don’t remember grown-ups being this tired but I do. My grandma was resting. My mom was resting. I come home from work or the store and go to bed to recharge. School gets started late this year so we’re in that in-between time when camp is over and everyone is awkwardly not as busy as we all were before.

It’s amazing how much of a difference it makes downstairs with the new carpet. It doesn’t smell at all anymore. Between the new carpet smell and not having any litter boxes down there being used it just feels like a fresh and cleaner place. We thought we were going to have to kick certain cats outside but instead what we’ve done is just kept the upstairs door to the basement closed so the cats can’t go down there. It’s worked really well so far. I do feel slightly sorry for the displaced ones.

It’s really only one but she’s dealing. Yesterday was Ethan and Laura’s anniversary. I can’t hardly believe it’s been a year since that beautiful day. There really are days that live in your mind as perfect days and that is one of them. Often joy can be mixed with sorrow but on this particular day there was no sorrow, only joy. I felt a similar way on my own anniversary this year with any unhappiness being the farthest thing from my mind or even existent. I was at total peace.

I’ve felt a similar way with the baby’s due date approaching. Like the fears have evaporated and I am simply just waiting now. Eager but also still and quiet. Maybe that is one way being a grandparent is different from being a parent. I’m still waiting to get and build up more clients at the new place but I’m thankful for the ones I have been seeing and that steadiness, plus the new girl. I’ve been in the position of waiting before and know there are needed and valuable lessons to be learned there.

Something else that stood out during Bible class yesterday was when the pastor said something about how any time there is a blessing it is the opposite or undoing of a curse. He said that basically the ability to enjoy life at all is only because God’s blessings come through to overpower where the curse is. I took that to mean that people would be miserable all the time if it weren’t for the fact that God is merciful and wants to give goodness, peace, love, and happiness to human beings.

It changes your perspective to think the good thing is the abnormal thing. My memory is so bad these days and my sleepiness so great that I cannot remember the morning activities of today. In the afternoon Elianna and I went to the grocery store in the new van. We had a conversation about meal planning and how she doesn’t mind doing it and wants to do it. I just didn’t want her to feel like I am pawning off work that I would rather not do. That was something, we made a meal plan.

In the afternoon I worked on minor work things. By the later afternoon I fell asleep and did not wake up until it was time for supper. I do remember going for a walk and getting stopped by Tim not long after starting. Any time that happens it is at least a ten minute addition to your walk time. He did tell me though that he saw the kitten and the mom cat on Friday. While we all were sitting in the living room this evening we saw another different cat by the yard fence. He was white and grey.