I talked to my nursing boss this morning and asked if I could still stay on PRN even though I was not able to meet the monthly requirement. I told her even one shift every two months would be better. She had to talk with the rest of the nursing team to see what they thought and a few hours later she said they said I could stay on. I asked if they came up with anything in terms of requirements and she said not really. Just to make sure I try and pick up 1-3 shifts over the next few months.

So that was nice that I didn’t have to completely give that up. It really was just the every other weekend I didn’t want anymore and did my last regularly scheduled Saturday a few days ago. The one who is getting my spot is one of the older nurses who does weekend doubles. I was glad it was her because I always felt a little guilty that I was on the easier floor while she was the one on the hard floor. She always talked about how awful it was and there was always something going on.

I was at Thrive in the morning seeing my regular people. One of the women I’m seeing has entered into a major relapse that seems like a spiral she is not going to come out of. The signs were all there and I could see them coming for months. It’s hard because I wanted to say something like “get your butt to a meeting” or “tell this boss she’s not respecting your boundaries” when she kept asking her to work more and more. She’s been to the hospital, a detox facility, and still came home and drank.

It’s hard to know where that line is between timidity and compassion. But I know what overthinking is so I just try not to do that. I was having countertransference (when their issues trigger something in your issues) once home because I was mad that she was out on the roads where my kids are. I did not tell my supervisor that because when he was a teenager he was the driver in a wreck that killed his friend. My oldest son’s track team had a teammate who was recently killed by a drunk driver.

Another one was seriously injured and will likely never run again. Josh went to a visitation this evening for a friend of camp who was killed in a car crash going to church. He was the man who would donate several hogs each year for our hog roast. I stayed home and made supper from the squash that’s been hanging around on the counter. The boys came home from practice and were very hungry and Dad had said not to wait for him.

I’ve been working all day on trying to finish my class. I finished my book report, the final exam, and am almost finished with the session notes from the practicum sessions. I’ve got until April 20th or so to do it so I’m hoping to get it done this week. It will good to not have completely wasted $1,200 and to not have the pressure of a deadline to get the second class done. I’m still wondering how exactly it is I’m going to use this. I still can’t tell if the being at Thrive dream is something real or a fantasy.

This Katrina woman has been texting non-stop throughout the day. I told her I cannot reply to them all but I am seeing them. We are looking into trying to get in touch with her parents. Today was a decent day weather wise and I went out for several walks. I almost texted her pictures of camp but I decided against it. I walked barefoot in the sand and tried to get a little sun. Walking up the road I still do get that short of breath feeling like I’m fighting the gravity. It’s nowhere near what it was though.

I’m grateful for this little life. My son and I played several games of chess today plus a card game called Monopoly Deal which we played with Dad as well. I didn’t think my brain could handle learning the game rules but it was easy to catch on. Elianna picked up Zorro today and baked banana muffins before she left. The boys came home from practice and we had supper. God is very good and deserves the credit for the many ways he works in our lives. There are too many to number.

Today was Palm Sunday at church. It didn’t really feel like Palm Sunday for some reason. We went to the early service to avoid confirmation at the 10:30 service. They’re still talking in Bible class about moving the two services to one in the summer and more people voiced support. I feel too new to really give my opinion. I do like the idea of having one service and having less of the consumer church mindset. Here you go, we offer 10:30 or 8:00. Take your pick on what works best for you.

One of the men who wasn’t supportive said he at least thought we should not have to have three pastors at every service in the summer. There are three pastors and three services every weekend and he didn’t think they needed to have all of them there. It would lighten their load. The pastor shot himself in the foot when he said it wasn’t a big deal to do two services in the morning since he’s already there. That wasn’t the point. If I were his wife I would’ve been like yeah but to be with you…

After lunch I took a nap. While I was sleeping and waking up I heard my phone buzzing with texts and I wondered who it could be. When I picked up my phone it was an unknown number with texts saying that this was an old camper from when Josh and I were both counselors. There was this sense this was a complicated thing and I was hesitant to answer but felt that I should. Long story short she says she doesn’t want to die and has become very sick and needs a place for healing and to just be.

So that was all pretty strange and I didn’t know what to do. I went and told Josh about it and he agreed to meeting her over Facetime in the morning so we could talk more about whatever is going on and come up with some sort of game plan. After that I took one of the boys to Sierra since he’d been asking me about needing some basic necessities. Another one asked if I could pick him up another package of socks. I went ahead and just bought him two so he could feel that abundance.

Ethan had a track meet in Kearney today. He was in the 800 and 4×400 and this was their first outdoor meet. I don’t get worked up about his times much I just let it all go. We paid to watch the webcast but it was hard to get a good view. Thankfully Laura had video recorded his split so she sent that to us and we all watched from my phone. The boys wanted to watch another race we had missed. So they pulled that up on Youtube. It was fun watching the races and just being a family.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever read the same way again. I can’t seem to get into books enough to finish them. I also definitely do not have the appetite like I did when I was homeschooling. Books were both the intellectual and social stimulation. The non-fiction fed my mind and the memoirs fed my soul. Books were how I survived and found joy. People would ask me where I found all the time to read and honestly it wasn’t that hard. I read a lot while the kids were playing and happy together.

There was a younger man in session today who got me thinking about favorite memories. I texted me oldest son when I came home and asked him what his favorite memory was of me and him when he was little. He said off the top of his head it was when the two of us went to a Cardinals playoffs game together. I then wondered what mine was. I told him off the top of my head it was anytime he was a baby and also the Cardinals playoff games. I then asked two of the other boys.

One said standing in the kitchen and helping me washing grapes. That was his chore. The other said having story time and snack time in the pillow corner. I think all of mine would’ve started with anytime you were a baby and then added on another thing, which man, to choose is hard to do. But for the grapes one the answer would be just being home with him. And for the story corner one it would be definitely the story times too. I didn’t ask the other, but we were texting indoor state times.

Today reached a high of over 90 degrees. It wasn’t humid so it did not feel that hot. Already though a front has blown through the area and dropped the temperature into the 50’s. I wasn’t home much today because UIS was having a conference for social workers and counselors. The Hope supervisor told me about it when we were talking one day in supervision. I left the house soon after the boys and made it to the campus before 8:30 so I could park and have a half hour to figure things out.

It was nice to have a table of people to sit with since there were a few other people from Hope there. I’d seen from the presentation list that one of my LCU professors was going to be there. I saw him once I’d sat down and we must’ve known each other around the same time. I pointed him out to my supervisor as he was standing up and walking over. He prefers not to hug women so I didn’t hug him. At that same time another woman from LCU came up and the three of us had a reunion.

It was so great to see them. As soon as we all went back to our tables another girl from LCU came over and said hi to me. This one I hugged as well as the other one. The UIS professors made such a big deal over how this must be such a grief, etc. I didn’t feel it at the time but I felt it then when I saw them. The only thing I never missed about Lincoln was the later night classes. I know it all worked out but in the moment I was sad and remembered how great these girls were and that I loved them.

I also saw my Thrive supervisor and the other teachers from UIS. The one I had last semester does give hugs and so I hugged him. I saw another girl who’d been a classmate at UIS so I sat with her for a while. Arya came over to say hello while we were in the lunch line. It was just kind of crazy how each of these classmates was from a different cohort and different era. I feel like I’m still reserved with the Hope people and getting to know them more. We went for a walk during the lunch break.

There was this weird part of me thinking look at me, I know all these people. And then there was a part who didn’t have capacity to engage with strangers. But for the most part it was just me happy to be there and being slightly disappointed or frustrated with some of the presentations.

I had a slower morning since I didn’t have any appointments until 11. Several weeks ago I’d blocked off the first two hours of my schedule today, I think still thinking I’d leave it open for group. This was the last week I had done that so I just kept it that way. It worked out because I was able to be home with my son while Josh had chapel in Altamont almost two hours away. He could’ve gone with but that would’ve been an very early morning. By the time I left he was almost home.

I had a new couple today and they seem like more of a harder one. I actually gave them my break time for next week because it would’ve been weeks before they could come back again otherwise. I felt they needed to come back asap, but I don’t want to be making a regular habit of that either where I am proactively pacing the day and then fill it in a moment of sympathy. One couple is taking a break now that planting season is about to start. Another was on their 3rd of 6 sessions.

That’s going to be the way it goes I think. God will work out all the timing for the various needs. After Hope I met Dad and the boys at Trinity for church. The mom’s group was serving a pasta dish with salad and cookies. We walked right past the salad dressing so went and sat down with just the lettuce on our plates. We figured we had missed it but didn’t both getting up to go hunt any down. We went to church after supper. It was good to be home and play another close chess game.

This morning the three of us walked down to the cabins. Last year the state inspector said the beds in the cabins were not up to the latest code. Every set of bunks must be at least 30 inches apart. At the time of his visit there wasn’t time to go into every cabin and try to change it, but this year he is wanting to see what has to be done to make it work. It essentially comes down to removing one bunk set in each cabin. There have been a few rants today about bureaucratic ridiculousness.

For lunch I heated up the potatoes, cabbage, and sausage from the night before. It’s very filling. For whatever reason I’ve had more of an appetite the past several days. We ate our lunch in the living room and watched a video of a chess game breakdown. I like watching the videos and it’s bringing back some old skills while also teaching me new ones. It isn’t something I’ll spend much time on but it’s been nice to refresh. Some things are not like riding a bike. You can lose skills without practice.

We went to Aldi to get groceries. He’d forgotten the list but between the three of us we all remembered what was on it. I asked my son if he ever feels self-conscious about being out and about during the day and not at school. He said he’s never thought that. I don’t remember which one it was who was worried about that once. There have been sweaters and jeans to wash from the pile on the floor. I’m trying to be better about keeping up my spaces but its hard to be consistent.

This evening I met with a friend to keep on working through the Unwanted book. She texted to say she’d be able to meet me at 5. It was 4:42 when she texted and for some reason I’d had it in my head that we were meeting tomorrow. So I had to tell her I’d be a few minutes late and hurry up and get out the door. It messed up our supper plan because I was going to make supper while Josh picked our son from practice. I was in the mood to cook and make a nice meal for everyone.

But it all worked out.

This morning I texted my nursing boss and told her I needed to put in my two weeks notice. I told myself I needed to do it by noon so around 11:15 I finally did it. We exchanged a few words and that was it. I actually am not even wanting to think or talk about it. It was one of those things where you had to just rip off the bandaid.

My son has been playing more chess these days. So we played several games when he was finished with school. I used to be good at chess and could legitimately beat my dad. But any more I usually lose except I did win once this morning. I folded laundry and signed a few checks and I don’t even remember what else I got done.

When I was considering what to do, it did make me feel better to remember that this will free up more time to work at camp. There’s always something to be done and I can do it with my family close and around. I think I’m going to like it better this way and am looking forward to not having to worry about leaving them anymore.

This morning we went to church. After that we went to Bible class. I look forward to the donuts they have because they have my favorite kind. For decades I simply skipped the donuts and it wasn’t much of a sacrifice. They just seemed like empty calories for not much of any positive gain. But with the ones I like I feel like they are worth the enjoyment and they do deliver in terms of the lead-up. All the boys go to the high school class which has the two pastors kids and one other track teammate.

The pastor took a break from Genesis to do a series on church governance. There are some changes he is wanting to make in how the church does things. All we did this time was go through prooftexts (his words) of Bible passages supporting the point he wants to make about servant leadership and what it means to be a leader. He then had three verses showing how the word elders (plural) shows up multiple times with the word church (singular). He wants to equip more people to be leaders.

Servant leadership will practically feel like servant service. He sometimes used the word slavery but I thought that was a little extreme. Josh and I really like this pastor. He is humble and seems like he truly wants to do things and lead people into being more of a body. He proposed combining the two Sunday services into one on any month where we had a fifth Sunday. I think it went better than he could’ve ever imagined when a lady raised her hand and proposed we combine them for summer.

Before she said that (it wasn’t me), she said she was going to throw out a grenade and then back up. It’s funny and I understand the joke, but it’s also kind of sad that we need to be so careful in bringing up things that make complete and total practical sense on multiple levels. People seemed to like the idea so that will give the elders some more things to talk about. When class was over we drove home and let Zorro out since he was staying with us. Elianna was gone on a day visit to see a friend.

Dad had to help with Bible Bowl at camp a little later in the afternoon. There were seven teams this year which I thought was a good turnout. He texted me that one of the pastor’s wives from our old circuit was there. I told him I’d be down there and literally got out of bed and skipped my nap to go see her. We figured out we’ve known each other for almost 20 years. I couldn’t believe it’d been that long. Later we all went out to County Market for ice cream since it was the last night of spring break.

We woke up a little before seven in the downtown Inn. The camp gave us $3,000 to go on vacation so we decided instead to split it up into overnight dates. That way we could spread the money out instead of using it in one place. Once a month is probably too much but maybe every couple of months we can go somewhere. The kids stayed with Grandma and we met some traveling friends for supper in Athens. We hadn’t seen them in several years and spent three hours catching up.

So that was great. We decided to go to breakfast early to give us more time to get ready. After packing up and dropping off keys we left for Grandma’s house to pick up the boys by 10:30. There was an indoor meet in Mt. Zion today and the 4×4 team was trying to qualify for state. As I have said before I have fully embraced the groupie lifestyle. We dropped off our son at the school and had some time to spend with the younger boys walking around a beautiful park with trails and a pond.

They didn’t qualify but were able to shave off three seconds from any of the indoor times they have had this year. When they were done we drove back and talked about track and the races. My son wanted Culvers so we stopped there once we were back in town. He asked if anyone wanted to come in with him so I went inside since no one else volunteered. He looked at me and smiled and said, “So you ready for outdoor?” and I said yes. I enjoy going around to the meets. They are fun.