I seem to be the only one who doesn’t thrive in the summer season. It did get to the point where I thought and then said that I might have one more summer in me and after that I’m going to have to move on to something else. And if I’m done then everyone also has to be done. It’s hard for me to write on the nights when the kids are all out in the woods. They all think it’s great. I’m up here asking when the ending bell is going to be and could he please text me when everyone is accounted for.

It doesn’t seem like it ought to be that hard (my part) but every year it seems to get a little bit harder even with having the perspective. So it is what it is. It’s part of living here and housing anywhere else is not exactly cheap right now. I honestly can’t imagine ever buying a house or us both having jobs where a house would even be affordable. I saw so many people this week where there was no fixing or changing it they simply had to hear that it was okay to be where they were at in the moment.

Thankfully it was a short week because of the fourth of July. Right now I am sitting with Zorro because he will not go in his kennel. I keep trying to put him in there and he won’t go. So now I’m must mediating between him and one of the cats. I know he has to be tired because this is at least an hour past his bedtime. Josh just came back and put him in his kennel so now he is in bed. I feel like this would be a good night to read or go to bed at a decent hour. My eyes are too tired for one of those.

Today was an emotional day at Hope. I started out the day wondering how I was going to do this, I just was not in a strengthened state. But the day went on and gradually I forgot about feeling that way and the day transpired. The supervisor at the new place figured out that something was off with my NPI number that Hope has been using to bill clients for months. It wasn’t my number and I really don’t know or have any recollection where the number came from.

This wasn’t figured out until I applied for a new one. Apparently I wouldn’t have been able to do that if I’d already had a number assigned to my name. So now I have a number which is used when you bill insurance and get credentialed with insurances. It was a little awkward that it came out that way, as in having to explain that this was being figured out because of another job (the Hope supervisor already knew), but I think I’m glad that this was caught now instead of who knows when.

He said he’s going to have to report it. I’m just thinking that that’s a lot of notes that have been sent in with a wrong number of which turned out to be another Rebekah but in Indiana. I truly don’t know. So now I’m just hoping the notes were up to par because it’s becoming more of a thing these days for notes to get audited and then rejected. Then providers have to pay back the insurance companies and it can be a big mess. There’s always more to learn I see.

It’s been hard to find a minute to write. It was a picture perfect day at the lake with the hot temperatures working nicely to produce water temperatures that did not require mental preparation and convincing to jump into. It just happened without any discomfort at all. It was a bit of a miracle that I’d gotten my watch out of the box and set up with my phone the first time since that kind of thing usually requires a specific kind of mental focus. So I haven’t gotten it out yet.

But I told him I will. So if I’d been wearing it I know it would’ve recorded at least a mile on the paddle board. Laura was there this time too and we chatted about various things. I’m glad she likes to do this because it gives us something we can do together. She also likes to swim though and not get too hot. Ethan had to call me this morning and ask me to bring him a drink during his run. They’ve been lucky to have cooler weather so far but now it’s heating up. It’s definitely not for the faint of heart.

Our ice cream time went well but it was split into two parts: before square dancing and after square dancing. Me, Ethan, and our littlest had ice cream before, and Josh, Elianna, and Aiden (a former staff worker) had it after. The boys were making a short film called Sweaty Gamer Touches Grass. So they were showing me the different cuts they’d recorded so far. One had my feet in the background where I was on the computer working on work things. It makes me emotional writing about it.

I don’t know what my deal is but I’m feeling a little hurt over a recent interaction with a friend group. One of the girls in our friend group from high school reached out in a group chat and said another friend was coming home to visit. This friend’s parents still live fairly close to where we all used to live. Everyone else has now moved to other places but still lives within drivable distance. I was the farthest away with about an hour and fifteen minutes. I invited them down here to the camp.

Oh well anyway. They all at first sounded like it was fine but then one said she didn’t think that was going to work. So then we were trying to come up with a different plan. I have never once minded driving all the way up there to see them but for whatever reason this time I was thinking why don’t we try to find a more central location? I suggested one that would be about the same distance drive for all of us. The difference this time is I’m not sentimental for the town or place we used to eat.

So I guess I am the one who changed. Two of the four of us never had kids and I have always just had my little life tucked away from them and most people. I showed them a picture of my giant cowboy hat floatation device that we could use if they came down here and heard nothing from anyone. I am going to get over it and I already am. I’m too busy trying to keep on moving on with life. I miss the kids who are gone and even the kids who are here. I’ve got ice cream if anyone wants it.

Tomorrow is supposed to be our ice cream day. Elianna asked what the deal is with the ice cream all of a sudden. I don’t even like ice cream. I told her it’s just something to do, I meant with them. And Dad picked up some more juice from Sam’s which makes me happy that several of them have already been used for people to drink. After a nap this afternoon I went to Ross to find a few things to put in my Tuesday office. I wanted trinkets for the shelves that would also hold up some books.

I found an hour glass, an elephant, and a sea shell. Josh asked if I was turning Hindu now because of the elephant. I said no it was just an elephant with bright colors that I liked. I ordered a picture of the brain from Amazon to go with something else I’d already ordered. Earlier in the day was a clean up/tidying day in the living room which got almost immediate use when the pastor of the week came over with his family. They played cars and trains on the floor until it was time to go to lunch.

Today we had a busy day with generations camp. After breakfast we went back to the house where Laura tried to upload the camp picture but it wasn’t working. I was getting ready to go to the store to get food to make a side dish for the family reunion at noon. So she came with me and finished the picture in a coffee shop before we went to the store. While we were there she got a text saying the pictures were done and so then we went to Walmart to pick up the picture and look at baby books.

I feel like all of a sudden I’m having daydreams about the baby. I’m introducing her to people. We are going on walks. And then there were more of them and I was telling Laura that these were big ifs but if she and Ethan ended up living close and she decided to homeschool that I would help her. I could do one or two days a week. I bought her two books. One with an old title and one with a new one. I was telling her about the lullaby CD I used to play while rocking Ethan to sleep every night.

After the party Laura went to visit her parents and the boys went to visit a friend in town. Elianna went back to my mother in law’s house for Zorro. Dad and I came back and took a nap in our bed which almost never happens. We decided we need to have like an ice cream night once a week for the rest of the summer where the kids can come back for the evening and we can eat ice cream in the living room. For the rest of the evening I cooked for tomorrow, walked, and savored the living.

Today I met with one of my Thrive clients. It was nice to have everything switched over without it being too much of a hassle. I’m just a little–annoyed is not the right word–that I have to be going through this right now. With this person on my mind and the no contact not helping. Honestly just hearing me say that is enough to keep pushing me on. Again, it’s just one of those things I suffer in silence except for the rarer times when I break out about it.

Today is the 20th anniversary of Brandon passing away. My sister and I talked on the phone about it and I brought it up to the boys this evening when we were sitting in the living room. They don’t usually know what to say since they didn’t know him. I told them it would be like if Miles died. Twenty years is a long time to be past something like that. Really it gave me the gift of having the wisdom to number my days.

Tonight is the other generations camp. It’s always nice to see people we know and talk about the old and also the current days of camp. I tell the ones who come that we do appreciate them making the effort. I don’t know too many people who choose to sleep in a fairly comfortless cabin with two of their kids for two days. Actually it’s only one overnight. It’s rained for much of the day and we’ve enjoyed a milder week for summer weather which is always a relief.

I feel like all I talk about now is my job. Today I only had one couple and then five individual sessions. Since two of the couples recently dropped out I asked the admin staff for five more. There were six on the waitlist and the supervisor was going to take one of them. He said he didn’t know what he was going to tell them that would be any different than what I told them or what any of the other counselors there have told them. I feel like I need to remind him I’m not burnt out on couples yet.

They were talking about hiring on another counselor to work two days a week strictly to help with the marriage waitlist. Something about this sort of bothered me. I am just going to keep doing my work and not get caught up in the office dramas. I have started coming out of my room if I’m on a break and just going into the office to say hello and chat for a while. I really can’t figure this out, if it’s supposed to be more personalized to each couple or if different ones have their own unique needs.

The supervisor there says that most couples come to therapy about two years too late. This week I’ve been using language like zooming in and zooming out. Sometime we’re zooming in on something that in the middle of it seems like big and difficult thing, which it is. But then, and they are the ones who brought it up, the zooming out happens and they go back to what they said at the beginning of the session. that overall today they’re at a 7 or an 8. Both of these things can be true.

We’re at the time in the summer where I start to feel parched for anything home related. The puzzles were supposed to be an attempt to combat this. Instead of simply just trying to cope with the summer disruption, try to thrive in it and still work to create good experiences. So that was something different I did that I feel like was helpful. Every so often I really challenge myself so then I asked my husband how he thought I should cope when I am feeling the same old famine inside.

After his answer I said, “I hear you saying I just need to be mentally stronger. Praying for years. Trying to work on myself. What do you think I should add to that list?” Well, how about if when you are feeling disconnected you make a bid for connection instead of just being mad or grumpy about it. “Ha!!”, I thought, the old “just ask” trap. But I was feeling feisty and just said, “Can you give me four compliments right now please? I’m feeling parched for verbal water.” Intelligent. Lovely. Respectful. Hard-working.

I hung my head in dismay. The same ones he always gives. But why didn’t it feel any better? I even let it go when we had started to go down into the “Why do I have to keep asking…” rabbit hole. So then I challenged him. How about you try to say something or give me a compliment with some empathy, some awareness you know what my life is like. That was too much. But then he came back, hugged me awkwardly but without my resistance, and said a few more positive things and that he wishes he was better at having these things flowing out of him all the time. That somehow got in and moved things around. I felt better after that.

Today was my first day at the new private practice. I had one of my Thrive clients in the morning and then I hung out until noon for the group supervision time. She does two sessions each week on Tuesdays, one at noon and one at 1PM. For the rest of the time I sent some work emails, straightened the playroom, and talked to two of the other therapists there that I knew from school. One was at Thrive with me for a semester and both were in the last internship video class I had.

So that was cool to have some people. It was nice to just shout out “Hi Kyle!” like it was absolutely nothing and without any kind of hesitation or awkwardness. I actually got to help the other one finish what she needed to get the rest of the things sent in for her license since nobody showed us how to do and we basically had to figure it out on our own. The only reason I knew how to do it is because I went to the licensing office in person because thankfully the state buildings are so close.

I was really nervous but now I think I’m going to like it. I still need to get things figured out with insurance. I kind of feel like I’m being difficult if I say I don’t want to take any insurance, like I’m forsaking the codes of humanitarianism. I am really glad that I made the decision to go to Hope (and that it worked out to go there) because it has allowed me to jump in with both feet and just get started seeing clients so fast. It seems like it’ll take longer to get clients and others need them more.

So I am navigating that. I do still feel, like I’ve said, that I have gotten harder since starting the Hope job and now transferring over to this one. You can have a heart for charity work and still understand that there are people who abuse the system and take you for granted and don’t care about their lives as much as you do. So you just have to get over that and realize you’re not here to help everyone and it isn’t possible to do so. In the meantime I do need to earn some money here too.

The others, I think, will pick up on that too. Right now they’re all still seeing internship clients mostly pro bono. I will still do a pro bono client at Hope but there they make them pay $20 a session. So I don’t know what to think about this place. Today I really liked it even though it was mostly just getting acquainted with the different environment, people, and ways that they do things. I have been bummed about leaving Thrive but I still feel like I made the right decision by being done there.

This morning I started organizing my closet and trying on clothes that I’ve had hanging there but haven’t worn in a while. Every so often I have one of those merciless clothes purges. I want it so that the hangers are the same and that everything is back in it’s designated place again. I found a few new tops that I can wear to work and a dress for my sister’s bridal shower. The boys needed shorts so while I was looking for those things they found what they needed. It was a good shopping trip.

Next we went to Walmart to buy tomato cages for Elianna. They browsed the electronics and we all kept each other in check not letting anyone get out of hand with looking or wanting to buy something. I decided we needed some puzzles for something else to do at home. Camp creates the illusion that there is always something going on and a lot of times there is, but I’ve been doing this long enough that I don’t always want to be at camp. I like being home and having some peace.

So I worked on that tonight. Everyone else was busy, including Laura who is taking three summer classes so that she doesn’t have to take them during the fall or spring of next school year. It’s been a super productive day with I don’t know how many loads of laundry washed, dried, and folded. I swept and mopped the dining room and kitchen, vacuuming the living room and the love seat which must be done nearly every other day. My clothes are still all over our room and needing put back.