Sometimes there are not enough hours in the day to get everything done. That’s how it’s felt the past two days. I feel as though I have nothing for energy even though I have yet to have my harder work days. The boys had a meet in Kickapoo Park. My one son is feeling more himself again and had a much better race though still 40 seconds off of his best time. My other son had a personal best. It was a smaller meet and not a very spectator friendly course. But I still got to see them two times.

Today was a nice day of catching up on some house chores. I redid Elianna’s room and made up her bed. I still want her to have a space that she can feel is hers. There were several loads of laundry to be washed and dried and folded and then also put away. My son and I keep joking about this pair of snow pants that keeps showing up in the laundry pile. It doesn’t have straps so it is not the same as the others that can be easily hung up from the basement ceiling beams. They keep getting washed.

At Thrive he used to say that you don’t always get to know how much or how deeply a person was impacted by you. I woke up from one of those peaceful dreams where we were standing on the side of the Thrive building with our heads nuzzling face to face like Simba and Nala in The Lion King. My hands were on his arms or waist, I can’t remember now. He told me he was moving and that for the rest of his life he would never limit himself in the ways he had done so.

The building is for sale and he is moving to another place. Arya reached out to me today and checked in on how things were going. She has two jobs now too after going through a turnover phase with her clients. I’m still trying to hold on to my nursing job and worked on the hours of training videos that need watching. In my dream there were people on the steps I didn’t know, all a little rougher looking. They had each taken a turn. Behind me I could see the door was nailed shut.

I’m just over here continuing to be sanctified. We had our Night of Hope conference tonight at the Auburn church. We were on the set up and clean up crews and Josh and I shared a table for our places. The director from Hope also joined me for the evening which was nice because I got to learn the speech and mostly learn how to set up the ten feet tall banner. She and I learned a little bit more about each other. She is almost seventy and started doing counseling work in her late forties.

Back at church this morning the sermon was titled, “Life Together”. The pastor has this pretty far fetched idea about the body of Christ living life in deep relationship and community. He said the whole thing where 20% of the people are doing 80% of the work which means that our current local body is living more similarly to a stroke victim with way over half of the body just living as blobs. He’s very against individualism and for living life together in a deeper way that involves the whole body.

So I don’t know. He already seems pretty frustrated with how things are around there. I keep feeling hesitant to get involved because 1) I like being present for adult Bible classes, 2) my kids have youth group somewhere else now, and 3) I don’t want to overextend myself beyond my margin needs. But I did volunteer to be on the childcare rotation for the MomCo moms group that meets one Wednesday morning a month. I wouldn’t mind doing some more but it has to be the right thing.

The boys had a meet at Lincoln Park in the morning. One of the boys is still sick so he didn’t run. But they both left this morning and I told them I’d be there later. Josh and my other son had the shooting retreat that they were getting ready for and Elianna was cooking for that. My mother-in-law was in St. Louis watching my niece run her cross country race. So I was the only one going. Luckily the meet is local and I am so familiar with the drive and coarse it was no big deal to do it alone.

My son also had his homecoming dance tonight. A friend and his date met my son and Ellie at camp in the evening for pictures. I had never met her before and she looked adorable in her dress. I can see why my son really likes her. We did the awkward picture thing and she had brought flowers for the two of them. Her parents and younger sister were also there so we met them as well. Her parents seem nice. I told them I couldn’t work tonight because I wanted to be there for all of this.

She just better not break his heart. I don’t know why my mind always jumps like this to the worst possible conclusions. I forgot to mention the boys did really well for Lincoln Park. We came home and I tried to have some discipline and clean. I didn’t have much for lunch and the spaghetti and meat sauce was not enough to lure me out of my house mode. I got into it slightly with my son over not wanting him to stay over night at some guy’s house I didn’t know. I don’t know. We survived.

Ethan had a meet in South Dakota this morning. While no one was particularly thrilled about another long travel day, I was grateful the couch rescheduled something. These guys work too hard to miss out on a chance to race, especially since they already don’t have that many. There was a whole confusion on what what had happened with the time clock and why it looked like 13 teammates had not finished. But it was just an odd and long delay and everyone was just fine.

So I was happy that he did well and shaved off nearly 1 1/2 minutes from his 8k time. I don’t think it’s necessary to rank his fan base in any order, but I would say I’m the one who is most familiar with his details. I imagine that he likes that he has someone he can talk to about his races. He does that with his brothers too so I know it isn’t just me. But anyway, I don’t want to say I’ll be glad when this is over because I don’t think that’s it. But I will not miss the ups and downs of sitting on the edge of your seat and waiting for numbers, wondering if it is going to be a good race day or not so much.

I came home from work and I think I fell asleep. I went for a walk later and had to dodge the Mennonite group that is here. They were playing on the road. We’d ordered takeout for supper because no one had it in them. There was another group of people here who we used to go to church with. They were having a 40th birthday party for one of the dads. People always think it isn’t busy here if it isn’t summer, but you know how that goes, I had to tell them it was otherwise.

Laura sends pictures of Lila nearly every other day. Today she sent one in the morning saying that Lila had outgrown her newborn clothes and was now wearing sizes 0-3 months. She had the emoji with the face and the eyes welling up with tears. Of course I shed some myself thinking of her growing up and already getting so big. The other night I was looking up apartments in Seward and part time jobs I could get so I could be closer and available to watch Lila with everything going on.

The thing that kept me from thinking it was a very good idea was that I would still have kids here. Right now I’m making them breakfast and going to their meets and making sure they have food and hanging out in the evenings sometimes. Before leaving for work this morning I hugged my youngest son goodbye and then sat back down on the loveseat. I needed a minute. He looked at me with concern before I got out the words, “It’s just that everybody is growing up”. He got up and came over to sit down next to me.

We were side by side on the couch. An hour earlier we’d been working on math and magic circles and laughing about the “common daily pains” of trying to find a pencil that works. I had gotten up two different times and the first time the mechanical pencil barely had any lead. The second time the pencil tip broke as soon as I started to write. I told him I was going to write that phrase down. Back in the present, I had my arm around him. I eventually had to get back up but I was calmed.

Today I officially ruined my chance of doing any future retreat sessions with my Thrive supervisor. After about two days a couple of weeks ago of one of the most intense experiences of hunger and desire that I have ever felt, I resisted every urge to make the call, write the email or text, or march right up to his desk and demand we end this painstaking nonsense right now. It was utterly awful. And then I woke up the next day and it was like a fever had passed. And I was back to myself again.

So I ruined my chances by coming clean and telling my husband that the reason I left several months ago was because of some kind of attachment that was messing with my mind and getting in the way of me and him. I told him that I loved him passionately and didn’t want anything else in the way of that. That I am sorry I am such a failure at mastering my demons.

He said that he loved me too and we’re both slow.

Today was not a great day. The boys had a meet in Pittsfield and both of them were sick. One is on the tail end getting over it and the other was in the early part just beginning. Viruses are terrible and will drain every ounce of your energy to where it doesn’t even have to be all that much energy expenditure and you’re wiped.

So that’s the kind of race one of them had. Pittsfield was the place where I felt in love with cross country but even with that I wasn’t feeling it. I took my videos to hopefully compile. I took a few pictures of the atmosphere to use as well. I walked around to my standard places and avoided the tent area until the one no longer looked like a ghost.

People ate their picnic food. I eventually went back to the car because I also was drained and needed to sit down away from people. The medals had been sent to the wrong place so after a while of waiting for the medal ceremony everyone was told to go home. The boys got their medals though, so that made me happy.

Thank the Lord for fall weather that feels like refreshment. We underestimate the positive effects of four season climates where predictability and change keep our stagnant selves from becoming too unimpressed with our surroundings. Another day of sitting down, as is my habit, and typing something here that feels so bland and insignificant but still continues to keep me anchored in a place of wonder and thankfulness.

“Have I ever told you that I don’t like your driving, Mom?”, my son said to me on the way to shop for a suit. He hadn’t ever told me this, and I wanted to know what about it he didn’t like. “Are you sure you’re ready for this? All my critiques?”, he asked. Even the way he said it made me love him more for his sensitivity and openness. “Yeah”, I said, cautiously proceeding with open ears. I’m tailing this van ahead of us. I don’t use my turn signals (??) I drive too close to the shoulder, I brake too last minute.

I feel like I can never relax when you’re driving. I think he sensed that he had reached the heart point of feeling some pain, because then he said, “Well, anyway…”, and that was the end of that part of the conversation. I was grateful he had told me. The not breaking soon enough had always been an issue. The others I wouldn’t say I was aware of. I pulled into the turn lane to be ready to turn right onto the road toward Kohls.

“See?”, he told me, “you didn’t use your turn signal there.” But I had a perfectly reasonable reason. I merged into the turn lane as soon as the lane opened up to the right. There would be no one behind me to signal to, and we moved on. And I could not resist this unjust accusation with the reminder that the one who does not use turn signals is dad.

How he tries to switch lanes and gets mad at the people who are not getting over. You have to use your turn signal, I’ve told him. To communicate with the drivers your intentions to move. “Really??”, my son said, “I’ve never seen him do that”. It’s his one driving flaw, I said just to clarify, and we moved on. On the way home from shopping I was messing with my phone and looked up just in time to see a man on the shoulder who I, Lord, have great mercy, did not hit and kill.

We left Nebraska after church. I’ve been blessed enough to see Lila three times in almost three weeks, and according to our schedule now, it’s going to be at least another three weeks before I get to see her. I really hope they move back close so I can help to take care of her. I can’t imagine how these families do it where they are multiple states away from their grandparents or parents. I would watch Lila every day and raise my children all over again. I’m making wild and outrageous claims.

So I’m supposed to go back to normal life now knowing this person is in my heart. The equilibrium of my life has been irreversibly altered and I do not imagine this a bad thing. If I could speak any more boldly, it would be to say that this motherhood endeavor has made me forever unselfish. If I had stayed out I was, what an absolute pity that would’ve been. But I was given the gift of being turned inside out.

Deep breaths…So we left Nebraska after church and made it home a little before 7. We stopped by Hannibal again and walked around campus for a little bit with Miles. I stayed behind them more so that I wouldn’t be intruding. Dad and the boys were ordering pizza and saved me two pieces for when we were home. Josh had been up in the early morning and written me a letter which was nice. To think how we could’ve missed out on all of this, and yet how we didn’t. I would not redo anything.