People at work keep congratulating me about this job change. Both clients and coworkers. It’s been slightly discombobulating because I associate congratulations with a wild excitement. There is some of that somewhere but it’s still very muted. I’ve more been feeling like I’m doing something wrong, or giving in to some kind of defeat. Feeling like here I go just not being happy and changing again.

Like I have any experience with this! My husband says it’s because if you are the one making the change people typically assume it’s because you are doing something that is better for you and making you happy. If even one person could’ve told me “marriage is hard” or “look at the data”, which people did say, but by the time I scanned that list and saw their names my mind was made up.

The demographic I connected the least with was women my age. I say that and yet two of my solid and going to be longer-term clients are women my age. One of them…I’ve never said it but I’m sure we’ve both thought it…one of them could’ve been a soulmate best friend if things had been… I don’t know how I’ve lived here over ten years and never knew this person was so close or existed.

The others were…I have no idea. They never told me. I think I might’ve pressured them too much to bring their husbands in for sessions. When so many problems seemed to be tied to this particular roadblock…oh well it’s in the past. I’m scarred from the couples therapy but I’m going to change how I do it. We are going to have a system and during session time they can apply the lessons to their life.

That’s me saying things again. One man told me he’d been gaslit by women his whole life, including by me and the other therapist they’d tried. I felt…enlightened to hear this. There was no defense or fight to retain him, and I was relieved to no longer be making those longer day accommodations so that people would not have to be using their sick time. The money envy on my end became alive.

Do I want to be like Mother Theresa and be this spotless saint of endless giving? In some ways I know that I am her already. At first, after a while, I thought I’m only going to see couples who are Christian and married. But now again I’m thinking why should there be limits on anyone who is seeking love or wanting to experience more love in their life? People are meant to be happily paired.

I know more the risks and probable outcomes.

I’ve almost used all of my $100 bills from the past three or four Christmases and birthdays. They’ve gone fast lately with one going to Elianna to buy groceries when she was out visiting Ethan and Laura. Another I gave to her to use toward purchasing a $135 10-class yoga card. Somehow we were talking and it got me thinking about needing to do some kind of regular body work practice like the heated yoga flow classes I used to love. I am 100% positive she is going to love them too.

Then one needed money because he’s been spending all of his on dinner dates with his girlfriend. It’s like every weekend sometimes twice and even during the week when they are getting together. I told him her family might actually want to still spend some time with her. So I gave him another one but he had to use some of it to stop by Dollar General and buy dad and I coffee since we’re out. You would think we would have some savings or something but whatever we had is now gone.

So I have one more left now. They’re rolled up in an old Xanax bottle on my dresser. I can’t remember the last time I’ve taken one or needed one. It became more difficult once they kept insisting that I couldn’t get my $3.18 refill without coming in and spending $120 on a co-pay for a $400+ doctor’s visit. It’s like, I’m a mom who needs pills to cope with my nerves at the track meets sometimes. All these rules that don’t actually serve or help the people who need medicine.

The college XC team had their conference meet in Iowa today. Vaughn was back to getting first on the team and finished fourth overall. He is one of the friends who watches Lila and I feel an incredible awe that my granddaughter gets to be watched by a superstar. He’s very humble about his abilities and is one of the nicest people you’ve ever met. He has a childlike personality that seems very innocent. I like to talk about Vaughn like I actually know him even though I don’t.

I’ve just met him a couple of times and seen videos he’s made and put in the team chats. It’s crazy how God makes people like that. Not only do they have the gift of the talent but then they also have the gift of the gentle and unassuming spirit. It makes me in love with them all of the more. Now I’m just getting awkward but I don’t care, it’s true. I found this song today called The Earth and Us by William Augusto. It reminds of the theme song in A Beautiful Mind which makes my heart ache.

I told you
I love you
in a dream

But you keep
asking for a sign
I was real

Now I’m back to feeling like I want to talk about work all the time and all these interesting people. At the other place I do not think about the people as much but at this one I do. Today I was more caught up in all of the heart reasons I am leaving. I would categorize it into three groups and I do apologize for any cringe terms or language. But there are the ones where I feel like we have bonded very deeply and significantly. That is the smallest group. The biggest group is mostly everyone else.

And then there are the ones where I had bonded to them and they left. I feel like I will always have in my mind these beginning people and those initial sessions of trial. But I also do not feel the need to dwell to much upon that. With the exception of possibly last year we are at the lowest we’ve ever been for money so this isn’t exactly the time to be spending hundreds of dollars on therapy office supplies and set up. So I’ve only spent about $40 so far. I talk about the office issue too much too.

It’s not really that big of a deal. I really can adapt and be content in a lot of environments. I still want a blanket warmer and bolster pillows and oversized throws and weighted Indian blankets. So we’ll see. Whenever I do these three in a row five minute meditation practices it almost always has me dreaming about somatic therapy and very rarely some sort of task such as schedule an appointment with the chiropractor. I realized I kind of ghosted him and never used all my purchased sessions.

Zorro and I walked down to the lake before work this morning. Dad and the littlest were at a chapel visit in Champaign so they had left earlier in the morning. All of my appointments showed up today which was nice. It’s gotten better since the summer but the damage was done and it went on long enough that the other choice became more appealing and made too much mathematical sense.

I didn’t mean for it to go this way. The Hope supervisor says I have nothing to be sorry for or to feel bad about but I do feel bad and I do feel sorry. I’m sorry it didn’t work out. I’m sorry that I basically just got there and now I am leaving. Today it was announced in the Teams chat so the rest of the staff knows now. I told my nursing boss that I was not able to keep up with ongoing requirements.

So that’s officially over now too. I need to remind myself though that being with one person at a time for 4-5 hours a day is much more doable and enjoyable than being responsible for 14 patients on a wing for eight straight hours. A part time job can be 15 hours a week and still bring in significantly more than if I worked two 8-hour shifts. One I could do for at least two more decades.