Laura sends pictures of Lila nearly every other day. Today she sent one in the morning saying that Lila had outgrown her newborn clothes and was now wearing sizes 0-3 months. She had the emoji with the face and the eyes welling up with tears. Of course I shed some myself thinking of her growing up and already getting so big. The other night I was looking up apartments in Seward and part time jobs I could get so I could be closer and available to watch Lila with everything going on.

The thing that kept me from thinking it was a very good idea was that I would still have kids here. Right now I’m making them breakfast and going to their meets and making sure they have food and hanging out in the evenings sometimes. Before leaving for work this morning I hugged my youngest son goodbye and then sat back down on the loveseat. I needed a minute. He looked at me with concern before I got out the words, “It’s just that everybody is growing up”. He got up and came over to sit down next to me.

We were side by side on the couch. An hour earlier we’d been working on math and magic circles and laughing about the “common daily pains” of trying to find a pencil that works. I had gotten up two different times and the first time the mechanical pencil barely had any lead. The second time the pencil tip broke as soon as I started to write. I told him I was going to write that phrase down. Back in the present, I had my arm around him. I eventually had to get back up but I was calmed.

Today I officially ruined my chance of doing any future retreat sessions with my Thrive supervisor. After about two days a couple of weeks ago of one of the most intense experiences of hunger and desire that I have ever felt, I resisted every urge to make the call, write the email or text, or march right up to his desk and demand we end this painstaking nonsense right now. It was utterly awful. And then I woke up the next day and it was like a fever had passed. And I was back to myself again.

So I ruined my chances by coming clean and telling my husband that the reason I left several months ago was because of some kind of attachment that was messing with my mind and getting in the way of me and him. I told him that I loved him passionately and didn’t want anything else in the way of that. That I am sorry I am such a failure at mastering my demons.

He said that he loved me too and we’re both slow.

Today was not a great day. The boys had a meet in Pittsfield and both of them were sick. One is on the tail end getting over it and the other was in the early part just beginning. Viruses are terrible and will drain every ounce of your energy to where it doesn’t even have to be all that much energy expenditure and you’re wiped.

So that’s the kind of race one of them had. Pittsfield was the place where I felt in love with cross country but even with that I wasn’t feeling it. I took my videos to hopefully compile. I took a few pictures of the atmosphere to use as well. I walked around to my standard places and avoided the tent area until the one no longer looked like a ghost.

People ate their picnic food. I eventually went back to the car because I also was drained and needed to sit down away from people. The medals had been sent to the wrong place so after a while of waiting for the medal ceremony everyone was told to go home. The boys got their medals though, so that made me happy.

Thank the Lord for fall weather that feels like refreshment. We underestimate the positive effects of four season climates where predictability and change keep our stagnant selves from becoming too unimpressed with our surroundings. Another day of sitting down, as is my habit, and typing something here that feels so bland and insignificant but still continues to keep me anchored in a place of wonder and thankfulness.

“Have I ever told you that I don’t like your driving, Mom?”, my son said to me on the way to shop for a suit. He hadn’t ever told me this, and I wanted to know what about it he didn’t like. “Are you sure you’re ready for this? All my critiques?”, he asked. Even the way he said it made me love him more for his sensitivity and openness. “Yeah”, I said, cautiously proceeding with open ears. I’m tailing this van ahead of us. I don’t use my turn signals (??) I drive too close to the shoulder, I brake too last minute.

I feel like I can never relax when you’re driving. I think he sensed that he had reached the heart point of feeling some pain, because then he said, “Well, anyway…”, and that was the end of that part of the conversation. I was grateful he had told me. The not breaking soon enough had always been an issue. The others I wouldn’t say I was aware of. I pulled into the turn lane to be ready to turn right onto the road toward Kohls.

“See?”, he told me, “you didn’t use your turn signal there.” But I had a perfectly reasonable reason. I merged into the turn lane as soon as the lane opened up to the right. There would be no one behind me to signal to, and we moved on. And I could not resist this unjust accusation with the reminder that the one who does not use turn signals is dad.

How he tries to switch lanes and gets mad at the people who are not getting over. You have to use your turn signal, I’ve told him. To communicate with the drivers your intentions to move. “Really??”, my son said, “I’ve never seen him do that”. It’s his one driving flaw, I said just to clarify, and we moved on. On the way home from shopping I was messing with my phone and looked up just in time to see a man on the shoulder who I, Lord, have great mercy, did not hit and kill.

We left Nebraska after church. I’ve been blessed enough to see Lila three times in almost three weeks, and according to our schedule now, it’s going to be at least another three weeks before I get to see her. I really hope they move back close so I can help to take care of her. I can’t imagine how these families do it where they are multiple states away from their grandparents or parents. I would watch Lila every day and raise my children all over again. I’m making wild and outrageous claims.

So I’m supposed to go back to normal life now knowing this person is in my heart. The equilibrium of my life has been irreversibly altered and I do not imagine this a bad thing. If I could speak any more boldly, it would be to say that this motherhood endeavor has made me forever unselfish. If I had stayed out I was, what an absolute pity that would’ve been. But I was given the gift of being turned inside out.

Deep breaths…So we left Nebraska after church and made it home a little before 7. We stopped by Hannibal again and walked around campus for a little bit with Miles. I stayed behind them more so that I wouldn’t be intruding. Dad and the boys were ordering pizza and saved me two pieces for when we were home. Josh had been up in the early morning and written me a letter which was nice. To think how we could’ve missed out on all of this, and yet how we didn’t. I would not redo anything.