People at work keep congratulating me about this job change. Both clients and coworkers. It’s been slightly discombobulating because I associate congratulations with a wild excitement. There is some of that somewhere but it’s still very muted. I’ve more been feeling like I’m doing something wrong, or giving in to some kind of defeat. Feeling like here I go just not being happy and changing again.

Like I have any experience with this! My husband says it’s because if you are the one making the change people typically assume it’s because you are doing something that is better for you and making you happy. If even one person could’ve told me “marriage is hard” or “look at the data”, which people did say, but by the time I scanned that list and saw their names my mind was made up.

The demographic I connected the least with was women my age. I say that and yet two of my solid and going to be longer-term clients are women my age. One of them…I’ve never said it but I’m sure we’ve both thought it…one of them could’ve been a soulmate best friend if things had been… I don’t know how I’ve lived here over ten years and never knew this person was so close or existed.

The others were…I have no idea. They never told me. I think I might’ve pressured them too much to bring their husbands in for sessions. When so many problems seemed to be tied to this particular roadblock…oh well it’s in the past. I’m scarred from the couples therapy but I’m going to change how I do it. We are going to have a system and during session time they can apply the lessons to their life.

That’s me saying things again. One man told me he’d been gaslit by women his whole life, including by me and the other therapist they’d tried. I felt…enlightened to hear this. There was no defense or fight to retain him, and I was relieved to no longer be making those longer day accommodations so that people would not have to be using their sick time. The money envy on my end became alive.

Do I want to be like Mother Theresa and be this spotless saint of endless giving? In some ways I know that I am her already. At first, after a while, I thought I’m only going to see couples who are Christian and married. But now again I’m thinking why should there be limits on anyone who is seeking love or wanting to experience more love in their life? People are meant to be happily paired.

I know more the risks and probable outcomes.

I’ve almost used all of my $100 bills from the past three or four Christmases and birthdays. They’ve gone fast lately with one going to Elianna to buy groceries when she was out visiting Ethan and Laura. Another I gave to her to use toward purchasing a $135 10-class yoga card. Somehow we were talking and it got me thinking about needing to do some kind of regular body work practice like the heated yoga flow classes I used to love. I am 100% positive she is going to love them too.

Then one needed money because he’s been spending all of his on dinner dates with his girlfriend. It’s like every weekend sometimes twice and even during the week when they are getting together. I told him her family might actually want to still spend some time with her. So I gave him another one but he had to use some of it to stop by Dollar General and buy dad and I coffee since we’re out. You would think we would have some savings or something but whatever we had is now gone.

So I have one more left now. They’re rolled up in an old Xanax bottle on my dresser. I can’t remember the last time I’ve taken one or needed one. It became more difficult once they kept insisting that I couldn’t get my $3.18 refill without coming in and spending $120 on a co-pay for a $400+ doctor’s visit. It’s like, I’m a mom who needs pills to cope with my nerves at the track meets sometimes. All these rules that don’t actually serve or help the people who need medicine.

The college XC team had their conference meet in Iowa today. Vaughn was back to getting first on the team and finished fourth overall. He is one of the friends who watches Lila and I feel an incredible awe that my granddaughter gets to be watched by a superstar. He’s very humble about his abilities and is one of the nicest people you’ve ever met. He has a childlike personality that seems very innocent. I like to talk about Vaughn like I actually know him even though I don’t.

I’ve just met him a couple of times and seen videos he’s made and put in the team chats. It’s crazy how God makes people like that. Not only do they have the gift of the talent but then they also have the gift of the gentle and unassuming spirit. It makes me in love with them all of the more. Now I’m just getting awkward but I don’t care, it’s true. I found this song today called The Earth and Us by William Augusto. It reminds of the theme song in A Beautiful Mind which makes my heart ache.

I told you
I love you
in a dream

But you keep
asking for a sign
I was real

Now I’m back to feeling like I want to talk about work all the time and all these interesting people. At the other place I do not think about the people as much but at this one I do. Today I was more caught up in all of the heart reasons I am leaving. I would categorize it into three groups and I do apologize for any cringe terms or language. But there are the ones where I feel like we have bonded very deeply and significantly. That is the smallest group. The biggest group is mostly everyone else.

And then there are the ones where I had bonded to them and they left. I feel like I will always have in my mind these beginning people and those initial sessions of trial. But I also do not feel the need to dwell to much upon that. With the exception of possibly last year we are at the lowest we’ve ever been for money so this isn’t exactly the time to be spending hundreds of dollars on therapy office supplies and set up. So I’ve only spent about $40 so far. I talk about the office issue too much too.

It’s not really that big of a deal. I really can adapt and be content in a lot of environments. I still want a blanket warmer and bolster pillows and oversized throws and weighted Indian blankets. So we’ll see. Whenever I do these three in a row five minute meditation practices it almost always has me dreaming about somatic therapy and very rarely some sort of task such as schedule an appointment with the chiropractor. I realized I kind of ghosted him and never used all my purchased sessions.

Zorro and I walked down to the lake before work this morning. Dad and the littlest were at a chapel visit in Champaign so they had left earlier in the morning. All of my appointments showed up today which was nice. It’s gotten better since the summer but the damage was done and it went on long enough that the other choice became more appealing and made too much mathematical sense.

I didn’t mean for it to go this way. The Hope supervisor says I have nothing to be sorry for or to feel bad about but I do feel bad and I do feel sorry. I’m sorry it didn’t work out. I’m sorry that I basically just got there and now I am leaving. Today it was announced in the Teams chat so the rest of the staff knows now. I told my nursing boss that I was not able to keep up with ongoing requirements.

So that’s officially over now too. I need to remind myself though that being with one person at a time for 4-5 hours a day is much more doable and enjoyable than being responsible for 14 patients on a wing for eight straight hours. A part time job can be 15 hours a week and still bring in significantly more than if I worked two 8-hour shifts. One I could do for at least two more decades.

The boys were off school this morning for election day. It was nice for everyone to wake up and not have to focus on getting out the door. Somehow we started talking about how we needed to take another vacation to Florida. I told my cousin after the wedding that I needed to come down there and see what this Disney thing was all about. My aunt loved Disney and all of them love Disney. Every time we’ve gone down there they ask us about going but we have always declined.

So we told Dad our idea and before we knew it he was marking it in his calendar. We were talking about going in February or March before track season and he said it would have to be on a week when he didn’t have a chapel visit scheduled. I said that it’s early enough beforehand that he could still reschedule or cancel it. But thankfully during the boys spring break in March there weren’t any chapel visits scheduled. I told Elianna that we’d have to figure out something to do with Zorro.

I made the boys their sectionals video tonight. I’ve gotten lazier with the video making and sometimes things are out of order or the song and the pictures do not perfectly line up at the end. But it is what it is and hopefully they still appreciate them. The conversations have already switched over to track already so quickly. Josh made a really great supper–I love when he cooks. It was like every other day of trying to savor the moments and never quite feeling like you’re catching them all.

I’m looking forward to feeling like I have breathing room again. I know I have to sound like such a wimp to so much of the world, but this working schedule just…isn’t for me. I’ve lived too much life to be able to handle those requirements. Two and a half days would be my ideal. But who really cares what my ideal would be or what does that even matter? I’m starting to get that feeling like what I say does not hold all that much weight anymore because what I say so often or eventually changes.

There’s nothing to write about.

It’s November now. The sky has that November look. Josh said he had at least three reels in his Instagram feed saying that if your wife decides it’s time to put up the Christmas decorations, just to let her do it. He said he felt some camaraderie. I’m tired of my Instagram feed and hardly read that stuff anymore. My sister is back from her honeymoon and flew into Chicago today. Elianna drove out to Nebraska to spend the week there. She watched Lila several times today and did some dishes.

We feebly struggle, They in glory shine…

If my brain felt this good all the time it’d be great. Dad called while I was out on a walk to see how things were going since we hadn’t talked much at the wedding. I told him I’d call him back since I was walking with a church friend. He called back ten minutes later to say he and mom were heading into Litchfield to run errands but that he’d be back after that. We played phone tag a few more times. The next two times he called I was in full on focus mode working on old treatment plans and notes.

But we eventually talked. I’d been…mad isn’t the right word…but I’d been eventually worn down into leaving the rehearsal dinner after-party and going to bed after standing and listening to him talk for quite a while about all of the different things going on in his mind. I picked up a few more artificial rose petals from the tables and called it a night. Back on the phone he wanted to hear about how my counseling job was going but first I did want to hear about the wedding more and their versions.

Dad had danced with my sister, which according to my other sisters, was the first time he’d ever done that at a daughter’s wedding. We didn’t even have a daddy/daughter dance or mother/son dance at ours. I had figured my dad was more comfortable talking and so gave him the job of giving a speech which he did at this most recent wedding too. I pulled out my phone and recorded the speech and then later recorded the dance with him and my sister. Something told me to record it.

It was a very emotional time because I realized what I was watching was my dad facing his long-standing fears and creating this beautiful moment with my sister. Apparently the reason he’d never danced before was because he was petrified of going out there. He had two left feet, he was too clumsy, he didn’t know how to dance, all the reasons. But he ended up doing amazing and they even did spinning moves throughout the poignant and lovely Cinderella song by Steven Curtis Chapman.

We were 45 minutes into the conversation when my dad interrupted my mom’s turn of the versions to say that he did really want to hear how work was going. I told him that just today I’d written a letter a resignation for the Christian counseling place. I gave him several of my reasons. It surprises me how quickly my words can turn into a heated rant when given the chance. After that I sent them pictures of the kitten and my dad said to welcome him and I had that mild thought “I know, Dad”.

The boys had their sectional race in Elmwood this morning. I was the early driver this time and we left around 7:30 so they could be there by 9:15. Earlier in the morning Ethan had texted me around 3:30 to say that he was on his way. He decided last weekend that he wanted to try to come and surprise the boys for their race. I don’t think he’s actually ever seen one in person before today.

He arrived before the rest of the family did. So we met up in the middle of a the field and walked over to the tent. It took the boys about ten minutes to notice because they were focused on their spikes. But they were surprised and happy he was there. He was going to drive back after the race but Laura told him he should just stay overnight with everybody and then go back in the morning.

Dad and everyone else arrived about fifteen minutes before 11. The team finished 10th which is what they were ranked going into the meet. In order to make state they needed to be top six so they didn’t make state but I think they were okay. The bigger thing was making sectionals and doing so as a team. The boys did well and had their second and third best times. No one tried to beat the other.

So they were six seconds apart. The race was kind of a blur because although there are some good spectator spots, to get a good variety of views you have to sprint across the golf course. I had been really nervous beforehand which is pretty typical. My older son was reading in the Bible the part about the death of Samson. I assume he was asking God to give him strength for one last race.

But I didn’t ask him. After the race we went to Avanti’s in Peoria and had a sit down lunch with Grandma also. Laura had dressed up Lila in a fun purple ballerina costume that one of the camp friends had given her. We came home and I took a long nap and woke up after it was dark. So that was nice to have the kids together and for the boys to have gotten this bonus race in the postseason.

I am always so tired at the end of the week which is one of those things I am hoping can change. I continue to meet some very sweet people including this younger man who is wanting to not play video games for the entire day. These are the kinds of things I am wanting to help people with. I’m meant to have relationships with people and be able to work with them for a while. I told my one Thrive girl who came to Hope that I’m moving again. Thankfully she’s very accepting of everything.

Correction: I’m not going to talk about this anymore.

Thanksgiving is coming up and people are talking to me about details. Since my sister had her wedding I considered cancelling it this year. I’m still not quite ready to begin to think that far ahead. For the wedding my brother’s friend volunteered to board all the family dogs. He’s the one who helped with Zorro who is continuing to do well. The boys run in sectionals tomorrow which is wearing me out. A couple of years ago I couldn’t walk very long or far and had to stay in the car a lot.

(meant to type Discovery but I liked it better this way)