This evening we had a meeting at work to discuss things that have happened lately with people leaving. The three counselors who left have started a private practice together and today was the first day of them launching their business. It seems like there are so many therapists in our area I don’t know how people stay full or how there are this many people needing therapy. But pretty much every private practice therapist has their patients and don’t have trouble staying full.

They introduced the new clinical director who is coming back after leaving the agency a little less than two years ago. He seems young which I know doesn’t disqualify people but at the same time does make you wonder about their experience. He seems to have a decent amount and definitely more than I have had at this time. It was one of those buddy buddy reunions that felt exclusive since I was not in on the group that had been there while he was previously there. It’s really fine.

For the most part I just feel like I am there to do my job, do it the best that I am able, and be polite and appreciative to staff and coworkers. It was brought up in the meeting that the board needs to consider raising the salary of the counselors. This was a big reason behind the other counselors leaving and the person who spoke up thought it was only inevitable that more people would leave if the situation was not remedied. Right now it works for me but I have ideas for future options.

Honestly though I am just happy where I am. Leaving the nursing has been a huge relief and I was thinking today of making that into a question for someone I am seeing next week. What in your life would feel like the biggest relief to let go of? I have a feeling I know what she’d say but I’ll wait and see what she does. I am basically at full capacity with my schedule with room for maybe two or three more. I haven’t talked to the interim supervisor yet but I am not planning to see that lady anymore.

As of last week there were five on the marriage waitlist. I do feel bad for them but what you don’t want to do is take people on to where there are too many that you can only book them every 3-4 weeks. People usually want appointments more often than that. I guess their leaving bothered me more than I was letting on, but it wasn’t because they left, it was more the reminder that things are impermanent. But even so, you try to still settle into a place and build those new relationships.

It’s been a long weekend of travel and confirmation parties. Yesterday we drove to St. Louis for my nieces confirmation party at my sister-in-law’s house. It was one of those things that we definitely needed to be there for. It was a nice time and we stayed for a while after everyone had left. This morning my son had a church visit assignment so he and I went to major megachurch in town. It really is an enormous church. The pastor preached on patience and how God develops it in us.

After that we came and waited for the others to be home as well. I stayed in bed until it was time to go to another party which we also would not have missed. We didn’t plan to stay too long but the boys got playing and the two of us got talking to various people at the party. One was a pastor’s wife who I used to be friends with. I have nothing against her now but our lives kind of took different turns when I was sick and no longer had the ability to hang out. It took too long to get better.

Once we came home I spent most of the day in bed resting. I’ve been thinking a lot about Thrive and whether or not I am meant to work there. During the meeting last week the action step for me was to write a bio and a more detailed website explanation. It’s taking a long time to write because I don’t even know myself all that I am wanting to do with this. I think the worst part is being afraid of putting myself out there and risking failure. I really would just have to have no strings attached.

I don’t know if I have ever gone this far into a desire that has required something more of me. At least in this way. I am having to grow toward something that is unclear in my mind. I am also being forced to actualize my ideas into a seeable place which requires me to apply myself in a way I’m not used to because it moves me beyond the “could be” point into actual risk. I could’ve been a piano player. I could’ve been a better runner in high school. I could’ve been more developed in writing.

Well anyway I feel like I at least need to try and do that. If it doesn’t work out it doesn’t work out and I will know at least that I followed through and didn’t leave it as one of those incomplete things.

Last night the boys had a meet in Carlinville. It’s one of the bigger meets on the schedule so the kids plan to try and do their best in their main events. Sometimes at smaller meets they will run different things for the experience. Elianna came back from the team camp saying the 4×4 team was in shambles. Judah was sick with another cold. One was nursing a bruised heel. Another hadn’t brought anything warm and was huddled up under one of those super thin foil survival blankets.

The coach had also given him his sweatshirt. They want so bad to go to state but have not yet run the state qualifying time and even if they do, it would only count if they can do it at sectionals. The top two places in every sectional event go to state. They already know they will not make the top two which is how Ethan’s team was able to go when they went and came in second to Auburn. I never saw that race but thankfully Miles’ mom had recorded it and put it on his YouTube channel.

John was trying for a sub 5 mile but ended with 5:09.7 and won his heat. There was a super fast guy in the 800 who was trying to run a 1:50. I kid you not he ran a 1:55 and blew everybody out of the water. I remember him from cross country and I think he won a distance title somewhere in the past year or so. Josh said while I was filming him, “Can you imagine if there was some girl I was obsessed with….”, something like that. I have thought before that I really need to be obsessed with him more.

It’s kind of become the joke that there’s always some high school runner I’m crushing on. I said, “I don’t know. It’s never happened so I don’t know how I’d respond.” Since he’s not really the outgoing type I’ve never worried about him cheating. I had my youngest son be the Ethan Facetimer this time so I could video the boys’ races. I’ve told the boys we should make a YouTube channel so we have somewhere to put these. I of course have zero videos of Elianna running which now as I am typing that out makes me sad. I didn’t realize how much I would miss it and wish I had been there more.

Elianna and John went to Dairy Queen before the 4×4 race. I didn’t think they’d be back in time but they were. They boys ran well but were three seconds slower than Rochester. The one without warmth ran almost the whole lap without a shoe after it had flown off after starting. They got second so that was still good. We packed up the cars and found the boys and then began the trip home. I left one use my phone to play chess but I was too tired to play with him. By midnight we were home.

Today was the first day I’ve ever been chewed out by a patient. I’m not sure if chewed out is the right term. It was more like a laying into about her anger and extreme displeasure regarding something I would not do. I went out into the office area to ask if the interim supervisor was available. She was not in today. I asked if any other counselor was open at this time to see if I could find someone else to come in and be a witness. One of the office women went and got one of the other managers.

I felt like she had seen my deep distress and gotten help. So I was grateful for that. It’s too much to go into but basically I felt like I was caught inside an ethical dilemma. This woman has caused me to tear up one other time in a one-on-one session because she is the only person I’ve ever worked with to this point who possess zero insight into her own flaws. If you can’t see your flaws…I didn’t even know how to handle that.

So that was extremely disturbing. Before our sessions she asks me to pray so I do and did this time too. With her I always ask that the Holy Spirit would guide our sessions. So I know too that he was helping me to be peaceful and loving during the time with her. She had also brought her husband unexpectedly. I had to keep going and do an intake after that and then another individual session. The angry woman ended up leaving early and I think I’ve decided to tell her I’m not going to see her anymore.

I suppose it doesn’t do
any good
to keep writing

I know it does
as much as
I hate it sometimes

Hate is such a strong
word and I cringe
when I hear it

I missed you today
and somewhere fooled
myself to thinking

to being sure
in fact that you
missed me too

Not all couples come to therapy in crisis. Many have just simply gotten snagged on a pain point or fighting pattern that they’ve been unable to move past together. Sometimes I am just there as an overseer to make sure things don’t get out of control and to add my two cents here and there as they’re going. The experience of being able to talk things out can be healing. Today I sat in awe of these four sets of human lovers who truly have so much love, desire, and ability to work things out.

And boy did it stir things up in me. I came home and wanted again to put all of my clouded thoughts behind me. To connect as we are meant to because despite the suffering and difficulties, like so many others, we can’t not be together.

There is a meet in Beardstown tonight that won’t get over till late. It doesn’t feel like I have energy right now for another one, and I know we don’t have to go. There’s a bigger one on Friday that I’ve already taken off some of work for. The one on Thursday I said I was going to have to miss. You hate to say anything to these coaches who are more or less volunteering their time that the schedule they’re putting out is too much. I honestly don’t understand how people have the energy for this.

I was at Thrive again this morning and the people there are doing better. The one finally got back to a place of 10 days sober which took another trip the emergency room to get there. Realistically I can’t see how I could add a fourth day of doing the counseling work. When I do not get the recovery time it feels like too much to be with this many people. I know things can change and have been changing. I still don’t understand why I feel like this even when I am seemingly not doing very much.

I was thinking during a session that you really have to be mentally astute to be a counselor. It was kind of affirming to realize that. I do pray every day that God would help me to be keen. When I do remember the place where I was at several years ago it does seem unfathomable that I can even do this much. So I really do have to remember that.

Elianna sent me pictures of Zorro playing in the creek. We had some down pours throughout the day and the creek had turned into a wide lagoon of running water. I was both impressed by the pictures and the pops of water and color, and also worried that Zorro was going to be carried away by the currents. I saw the video where she called to him when he got too close to the deep part. He swims in the lake but I don’t know how different it is for dogs when the water can be deceiving.

We were on our way home from having dinner with the Trinity pastor and his wife. It’s a long story but after several weeks of trying to work out details we finally had a plan to meet for a camp tour and then drive back into town to eat Cancun. We scratched the camp tour because it was also downpouring and very dark at our house. There was running water on multiple places along the road and the poor farmers are probably going to have to replant. They were already inside.

The four of us were the only ones there. Our phones started going off with tornado warnings and everyone needed to do a check on their kids. They had one at home and another at play practice. It was a nice time and we were there for about two and a half hours. We talked about a lot of things beginning with the stories of how we met.

Earlier in the day I was sitting in the Thrive parking lot waiting for the supervisor. We were supposed to meet at 10 and I thought I had given him plenty of time to be late. But at 9:52 he texted saying he was running way late. The storms had made his power go out and his alarm had not gone off so he had just woke up. I wasn’t going to be exactly on time but I was arriving pretty close so I decided to go to McDonalds and get a coffee to warm mine up. I sat in the storms and wrote in my journal.

By 10:24 or something like that he was pulling in. I had texted him last about wanting to talk about what it would look like to be more on board with this somatic stuff I am wanting to try. He recently went and looked at small office several blocks down. Group has shut down and that has given him a lot more time. I told him if he officially decides at some point he is going to move locations and close down the business there could he please let me know so it is not a surprise? That’d be it for me.

We went to late service this morning. Our friend Danny is looking for a different place to go to church so we picked him up so he could try out Trinity. He said he gave it an A+. They had a guest preacher today so I didn’t pay as close attention. He did have a part where he was talking about Jesus calling Lazarus out of the grave and I had actual chills listening and imagining what that would have been like and inwardly rejoicing in Jesus’ power. I’m so glad that Jesus is able to do that.

I made two solid meals for Dad and the boys today. They’re all kind of tired and worn out from the meets. For two and a half months our minds are focused on track so we entertain the ideas of how state could happen and who could go in this relay and the thoughts are different depending on who the person is thinking them. It used to bother me more but now I’ve learned this is part of it. I try to tell them that they don’t need to PR every time and that even being able to run the same time but have it be easier would be considered improvement.

It was a nice Sunday resting. There were walks outside and the boys playing chess and grown ups taking naps. It wasn’t quite warm enough to swim. I feel like it’s going to be harder to get in the water this year because it seems like each year I am more afraid of the animals. I used to imagine a cheetah or a jaguar or something with its head swimming toward me. This time I’m worried about the beavers that are the length of a six foot man. Even the swimming seems far away sometimes.

It’s been great not having to worry about school. I didn’t feel like it was super stressful but I didn’t realize how much time it was taking up in my life. My online somatic class is finished and the certificate is in the mail. I used to think and dream up what I could do to go back for more school. But I don’t even have the faintest desire right now. What I want to do right now is putting the things I have learned into use. More school right now would only be a way to avoid any movement forward.

It is weird though because it some ways it feels like I haven’t any goals. With nothing to actively work on what am I supposed to do to keep busy? There’s a part of my brain that feels so fried and I don’t know if it’s from doing the school, or social media, or just being a dull person with not much to write or think about. Social media is pretty boring to me and I don’t really spend that much time reading.

Like I said, I have taken in a lot, I am ready to process it and use it. I feel like I am getting to do that now with my job. A lot of it is simply being brave enough to try.