I heard the birds this morning again. The concert went well and I actually feel better and less tired than I did the day before. The boys had a youth group event in Auburn as they have started with the fundraising for the next national youth gathering. The woman who runs the youth group there is just always going. It makes my brain hurt just to think about all the things she organizes and plans. She’s a very wonderful lady.

My will has sort of taken a hit when I was mildly derailed by an emotional setback. It can take 2-4 weeks for me to recover when that happens and I continue to be amazed by the loss of personal productivity that occurs for these reasons. I was sitting in the Auburn pew watching all the nameless faces lining up for communion. I turned to Laura’s mom and asked, “Do you know all these people?” She smiled and said yes.

Sometimes I think church is one of those things where I think I have accepted that it’s never going to be the church I had when I was five. The kids served breakfast after church so that was nice. I liked sitting at the table with everybody. We came home and I stayed in bed until about an hour before we left to watch the Super Bowl at Grandma’s. I brought stuff to do but ended up being okay with the game and company.

I had energy to clean for about 30 minutes. We pulled the chairs into the living room and the boys worked on decluttering. Dad volunteered to go pick up the paint color I’d found online that was supposed to be a creamy off-white to go with wood with red undertones. The boys helped wipe down baseboards in the kitchen and dining room with the warm soapy water. Another wiped down the sliding glass door windows.

I have that feeling that comes now when I’m doing something new and have to adjust. Elianna called this morning when I was in the middle of crying about the boys to see if I wanted to go to a concert this evening with her and my mother-in-law. They’d ended up finding cheap tickets. So I was excited to make plans for that even though I’ve been in bed for most of the day. This morning I caught myself starting to feel a little bit down.

And it was over the so called gaps that I perceive to be in my life. I have been adjusting for a while to life as is, and I do think it is possible to live a deep and fulfilling life. And not just possible but happening. Do I look around and see areas where there could probably be more? I do. But the last thing I am interested in spending my time on is missing out on the life that is right in front of me. I’ve got way better things to do.

I am realizing how much the boys have filled a deep need for closeness that is changing in time as they are growing and getting older. I thought with the first one I had made some kind of mistake, that I had pushed him away with my…I don’t even know.

Yes you do, he would say. It drove me nuts because it forces people to keep talking. I thought with the first one I had pushed him away with my frustration and paranoia and just overall dysregulation and inexperience as a mother. But that isn’t the case now.

I think it’s just them getting older. I used to think, “It isn’t like this with the other boys, but they haven’t hit puberty yet.” Why does normal life development have to change so many things? I love you, boys. I love you doesn’t even come close to describing it.

(*Bobs: Some silly thing they made up)

Uncle Glenn walked into the house while I was working on my notes. I’d heard a knock at the door and knew Dad and my son were down at the lake, so I came out from my room right as he was walking in. He’d texted me the day before to let me know he was coming, and I had meant to text him back to let him know that we’d be home and it was fine to stop by, but I forgot. I said everyone else was down at the lake.

So we decided to go down there too and by the time I had put on my coat and gloves they were back. But by this time I had already abandoned my other task and determined in my mind that this was what I was going to do. So we walked down to the lake. Uncle Glenn brought his camera and took some pictures. When I asked him if he wanted to see the lake he said he’d seen the frozen Mississippi. I said but that is not the frozen lake.

Casper came with us. He still looks pretty white compared to the snow. We’ve been talking about what to do regarding moving some of the cats outside. One day I was ready to put them all in the garage. Dad was walking around with spray and paper towels and I’m still hoping one day to get my new carpet downstairs. Dad said there was no point in trying to do it now, we might as well wait until winter is over.

Today was another day at the Hope office. I’m still really liking the work so far. My current patient list consists of 8 couples and 4 individuals. With the individuals I have seen them all but I am still getting introduced to the couples. The individual sessions serve as a nice mix-up and break from remembering two people’s names. I’m still just kind of in shock that I’m doing this even though it mostly feels very natural to me.

I’m trying to figure out what kind of therapist I am. I have to be different levels of firm and tough love-ish depending on what is going on in the session. I have refrained from tearing up with those who have done so even though it came close. That is one thing that is different with couples that goes over better when it’s two instead of one. You have to interrupt the speakers at times and overall they seem fairly okay with that.

As in you can’t be a pushover. It’s a fiercer side of compassion where you can care about the couple but you aren’t going to waste anybody’s time. I can’t really think of anything else to mention there except that I just really enjoy the sessions. It’s still early and every once in a while in a calmer moment or comparatively milder dynamic I wonder if I’m actually connecting with the people. I’m just grateful for the chance to do this.

Everything I say right now

doesn’t feel appropriate

Like I am meant to

wait it out

And keep on in the meantime

The flu has finally entered the house. I’d just been thinking how we hadn’t been sick much this winter. One of the boys came home from school and went straight to the couch and he has been there ever since. A few weeks ago another one had some kind of lung infection that caused him pain when he laughed or would take a deep breath. They know the protocol is rest, fluids, and whatever else I bring to them.

Zorro had an incident, worse than anything he’s had since coming back from the trainer. My son walked over to pet him and he kind of went nuts. We keep trying to find the common factors of when he does this, but it doesn’t seem predictable enough to nail down. It’s very upsetting for Elianna who is trying her very hardest to keep and have a good dog. I don’t know enough about dogs to know what the answer is.

Sometimes it really does seem like there aren’t any answers. The kids told me that Legolas actually does despair once as evidenced by his line to Aragorn when he says, “Forgive me, I was wrong to despair”.

The weather has been impeding my walks. Hopefully now we’re moving back into the double digit temperatures which are much more manageable as far as steps are concerned. My aunt sent out a congratulatory conclusion text to our Whole30 group yesterday, as she had started a day later. I had some celebratory pizza and a piece of coffee cake in the morning with my coffee, but I plan to continue with the intentionality.

I can live without gluten, sugar, and cheese being part of my diet on a regular basis. My aunt lost 8lbs, my sister lost 12, and I was down 10 to return to my normal high range. I would say there is at least another easy ten to go, and after that it’s just a matter of staying within the range of reasonable fluctuation while toning and strengthening long neglected muscles. Believe it or not sitting for long periods can trigger aches and pains.

Today we went to Trinity again, first to Bible class then to church. Bible class was taken up with the pastor giving time for people to ask questions and have discussion regarding recent events. The parishioners took advantage of this opportunity. Many questions came up such as whether or not to publicly pray for fallen pastors, and how can we as a church and people more proactively pursue a sexually pure and decent life.

So that was all pretty interesting. We continued to have long conversations in the car and after church and during lunch and even later. Elianna and I went to a church plant launching service in Athens. Some of the people in Miles’ church have been planning this church plant for over three years. They have three practice services over the next three months and then on Easter Sunday they will change to weekly evening gatherings.

Dad and the boys and Elianna went down to the lake to play broom hockey. I would’ve gone but that was during my nap time. Zorro napped in his kennel. Sometimes it’s hard to find the time to write in between the different schedules and interruptions and giving my brain a chance to stay, a little while, in one place. It hurts sometimes because I can’t write like I want to but at the same time I am happy to finish now and get ready for bed.

My heart sunk this morning when I walked into the kitchen to have my husband tell me that he had some bad news. I thought he was going to tell me a cat had frozen over night. Two of them have been staying outside in the garage when we can get them there. Instead it was that the district president had been arrested and charged with a serious crime. Never in a million years would’ve I have imagined anything like this.

The whole thing serves as a strong reminder of who I do and do not want to be. I want to be a person of integrity who does not shame the name of God. “Isn’t there anyone who is righteous?”, is the question that rings through my mind. How can we be saved, how can we have knowledge of such great things, and still so grievously sin against God in such ways? How is our flesh so weak that even as children of the day we still cannot overcome it?

The devil is cunning and active. The only hope I have is that God is too, the active part. God is far more than cunning, he is all-knowing and wise. He does not turn the sinner away but welcomes him or her to his kingdom where there is freedom from slavery and heavy burdens.

One time I walked outside and found the boys in the highest level of the CGC pine tree. According to them, there were fourteen levels. They terrified me this way more than once, and even when I wanted them to be free to explore, my preference was to have them on sturdier ground. They’d be up on the roof or making swings in the clearing.

It was all very nice but it gave me anxiety. It’s a shame how much time I have spent being anxious but it never seemed to be something I could control. One of the boys now wants to buy and have a chainsaw and I’m wondering why I have to keep growing and stretching like this. I know everyone has to learn somehow and start somewhere.

I aometimes feel like I don’t have energy to parent anymore. I used it all up. But I can’t show up that way for long and feel satisfied with the way I’m living. I have to spend time with them and facilitate quality time and connection. That is when I feel the fullest and happiest with life and how I’ve chosen to live it, when the gifts have been enjoyed again.