The flu has finally entered the house. I’d just been thinking how we hadn’t been sick much this winter. One of the boys came home from school and went straight to the couch and he has been there ever since. A few weeks ago another one had some kind of lung infection that caused him pain when he laughed or would take a deep breath. They know the protocol is rest, fluids, and whatever else I bring to them.

Zorro had an incident, worse than anything he’s had since coming back from the trainer. My son walked over to pet him and he kind of went nuts. We keep trying to find the common factors of when he does this, but it doesn’t seem predictable enough to nail down. It’s very upsetting for Elianna who is trying her very hardest to keep and have a good dog. I don’t know enough about dogs to know what the answer is.

Sometimes it really does seem like there aren’t any answers. The kids told me that Legolas actually does despair once as evidenced by his line to Aragorn when he says, “Forgive me, I was wrong to despair”.

The weather has been impeding my walks. Hopefully now we’re moving back into the double digit temperatures which are much more manageable as far as steps are concerned. My aunt sent out a congratulatory conclusion text to our Whole30 group yesterday, as she had started a day later. I had some celebratory pizza and a piece of coffee cake in the morning with my coffee, but I plan to continue with the intentionality.

I can live without gluten, sugar, and cheese being part of my diet on a regular basis. My aunt lost 8lbs, my sister lost 12, and I was down 10 to return to my normal high range. I would say there is at least another easy ten to go, and after that it’s just a matter of staying within the range of reasonable fluctuation while toning and strengthening long neglected muscles. Believe it or not sitting for long periods can trigger aches and pains.

Today we went to Trinity again, first to Bible class then to church. Bible class was taken up with the pastor giving time for people to ask questions and have discussion regarding recent events. The parishioners took advantage of this opportunity. Many questions came up such as whether or not to publicly pray for fallen pastors, and how can we as a church and people more proactively pursue a sexually pure and decent life.

So that was all pretty interesting. We continued to have long conversations in the car and after church and during lunch and even later. Elianna and I went to a church plant launching service in Athens. Some of the people in Miles’ church have been planning this church plant for over three years. They have three practice services over the next three months and then on Easter Sunday they will change to weekly evening gatherings.

Dad and the boys and Elianna went down to the lake to play broom hockey. I would’ve gone but that was during my nap time. Zorro napped in his kennel. Sometimes it’s hard to find the time to write in between the different schedules and interruptions and giving my brain a chance to stay, a little while, in one place. It hurts sometimes because I can’t write like I want to but at the same time I am happy to finish now and get ready for bed.

My heart sunk this morning when I walked into the kitchen to have my husband tell me that he had some bad news. I thought he was going to tell me a cat had frozen over night. Two of them have been staying outside in the garage when we can get them there. Instead it was that the district president had been arrested and charged with a serious crime. Never in a million years would’ve I have imagined anything like this.

The whole thing serves as a strong reminder of who I do and do not want to be. I want to be a person of integrity who does not shame the name of God. “Isn’t there anyone who is righteous?”, is the question that rings through my mind. How can we be saved, how can we have knowledge of such great things, and still so grievously sin against God in such ways? How is our flesh so weak that even as children of the day we still cannot overcome it?

The devil is cunning and active. The only hope I have is that God is too, the active part. God is far more than cunning, he is all-knowing and wise. He does not turn the sinner away but welcomes him or her to his kingdom where there is freedom from slavery and heavy burdens.

One time I walked outside and found the boys in the highest level of the CGC pine tree. According to them, there were fourteen levels. They terrified me this way more than once, and even when I wanted them to be free to explore, my preference was to have them on sturdier ground. They’d be up on the roof or making swings in the clearing.

It was all very nice but it gave me anxiety. It’s a shame how much time I have spent being anxious but it never seemed to be something I could control. One of the boys now wants to buy and have a chainsaw and I’m wondering why I have to keep growing and stretching like this. I know everyone has to learn somehow and start somewhere.

I aometimes feel like I don’t have energy to parent anymore. I used it all up. But I can’t show up that way for long and feel satisfied with the way I’m living. I have to spend time with them and facilitate quality time and connection. That is when I feel the fullest and happiest with life and how I’ve chosen to live it, when the gifts have been enjoyed again.

It was another good day at work. I have to keep saying that to get used to it. For the first two hours I worked on the treatment plans and got caught up with my “to-do’s”. The next two sessions were the couples and I continue to be amazed that I am actually doing this. One of the Gottman interventions they teach is called Dreams Within Conflict. It’s for when couples are gridlocked on an significant issue and cannot agree.

So I am going to go back and review that. They brought that up so many times. I started imagining a person and how when anyone is disagreeing we’re often starting with our reasons. But often our reasons are deeper. So then you move down from the head to the heart and that is the place where you will find your desires. Even deeper than the heart would be your gut level values which are the parts of you that cannot be changed.

The point is not to solve the problem but to get them talking about it in a deeper way, to move “from gridlock to dialogue”. They (the Gottmans) talk a lot about “honoring each other’s dreams”. So while our deepest values are more likely to be fixed and immovable, it does not mean that new values cannot be developed and added, so that eventually part of your values in partnership is to know and honor each other’s dreams.

According to my patient list, I am up to six couples. I laugh when I say it. Two of them come tomorrow for their initial assessment sessions. The way they do it, which is common from what I’ve seen, you only get paid per client session. So anytime I’m doing notes or the more upfront work of completing the assessments and writing a treatment plan, you don’t get paid for that. They say they factor it into the hourly session pay rate.

I currently make more money at my nurse job, but it’s close. It’s close enough for me to feel satisfied that I am making enough money. Having a set wage is nice instead of a certain percentage of the insurance reimbursement, especially in this case when I am seeing more couples. No one seems to know why, but insurance companies typically reimburse around 30% less with couples than what they pay with an individual session.

My boss says she thinks it has to do with couples or family therapy not being medically necessary, which when you’re billing insurance, you have to prove with your note. The whole thing seems so overly complicated and cumbersome, but for now I am just grateful that there is someone there to manage it. All I have to do then is focus on them. I wasn’t at Hope today, I was at Thrive. I had an empty hour from a cancellation.

I wanted to clean the bathroom. In fact I was all excited that I had some extra time to do it. But then for whatever reason I decided not to. I need to remember to bring a spray or something I can use for baseboards and walls. I came home and Elianna was here to clean out the moldy parts of the fridges. She noticed down at main camp that whatever food was still in there was growing mold so she made some plans to come clean that.

Zorro was here for the past two days. He had a moment of rumble growling when I tried to put on his leash. So we didn’t go for a ride but he went outside for a while. Other than that he was completely fine and we went for walks and he played outside with the boys in the snow. The boys had a snow day yesterday due to ice, cold, and snow. We took one of our cats to the vet and he was given medicines for a recent onset of a UTI.

This afternoon we saw Return of the King. I was surprised that the theater wasn’t that full, which I am assuming had either something to do with the weather or the fact that it was the second showing after last weekend’s opening. For a moment I felt bad for Peter Jackson, like that he had worked so hard on this film at one point, and now who really cares? It was over four hours long from start to finish and was a wonderful time.

To me the most detestable character was Denethor, followed maybe by Gollum. Wormtongue would’ve been up there but he redeems himself at the end by stabbing Sarumon, the evil wizard, in the back. In both of the battles, I kept wondering why Gandalf didn’t have more wizard magic he could use. He was the one with seemingly the most goodness and powers. It used to be that Sam was my favorite of all of them.

I think he still is but this time I liked Legolas. Miles said he’s too pure and doesn’t have any flaws. But that’s why I liked him. He was confident in his archery and not self-important. I do not think he once despaired, like several of the others at various times. He had an invincibility and perseverance to him in a way that came off as not even having to try. I’ll never understand why Frodo wasn’t able to just throw the ring in.

I want to get back
to my city by the bay
~Lights, sung by Journey~

One of the reasons I chronicle my happiness is because I need solid reminders in times when I am faced with my inevitable pain points. For whatever reason I’ve been finding love and peace in Journey with their passion and soulfulness and Steve Perry’s perfect voice. I asked my Dad what his favorite Journey song was and he said it was the entire Infinity record along with the song Happy to Give. So I read the words and listened to it.

I’m right here, I thought. Ugh, I’m right here. We pulled into the movie theater and parked by the light post. Elianna and Miles were already inside. We walked inside and confirmed out tickets. The boys had a gift card to get popcorn. We arrived in the middle of Peter Jackson’s into that he’s been doing for each of the movies. The first time I saw him I leaned over and whispered, “Is that Merry?” I didn’t recognize the person.

“That’s Peter Jackson”, who I knew was the director, and suddenly the person talking made so much more sense. This time we watched The Two Towers. It used to be my favorite of the three but this time I did not feel as moved. I think it’s because it was the extended version with which I was not as familiar. But not feeling as moved did not mean I didn’t like it. I did. I really enjoy these movies and their immaculate production.

It was a good first day of work. Everyone has been super kind and supportive. The people there seem to like each other and get along for the most part. The transition from intern to non-intern feels pretty seamless so far. You’ve basically doing what you’ve already been doing except it’s in a different place. I saw my first couple today and I think it went alright. That was the weirdest part, the nearly ten year age gap.

I felt young in comparison, and like they wondered if someone like me could really help. This was my first time having to get history from two people at once, but not the first time in trying to keep the session moving and on point with time. There’s often so much they want to jump in and talk about. I have learned and learned again today that you do not ask what brought them in until you have asked the rest of the needed questions.

The hour goes fast. I am feeling something but cannot necessarily pinpoint what it is. I think it has to do with the nature of this professional revolving around forming relationships with many people. These people come in looking for help and with hope that something in their life and ways of experiencing being alive can change. I am not afraid to suffer with people but I am in some ways afraid of what it takes to get there.

Because it takes time and getting comfortable with people. It takes love and attunement and caring more about what people say. It takes trusting the process and not getting caught up in your head about doing things right or saying things wrong. In school we talked a lot about here and now counseling and it was mostly just a term to me. But I can see how that is needed guide. You attend to what is coming up in the moment.

With couples especially I feel an extra pressure to make “progress”. But I think if I can concentrate on making the hour a good experience, on helping the couple feel and experience connection during the time there, then maybe that will be enough to keep those hours working for them. I am a very cerebral person and not always quick to enter into what I’m feeling. It’s a mix of sweet and bittersweet, gratitude and hoping.

Tomorrow is my first day of seeing clients (that word…). I think patient is actually a better word but I have now been reprogrammed. There hasn’t been much to report these days as all I’ve been doing is sticking to the basics of my simple routine. The housework did get done this morning which was sweeping, tidying, and vacuuming the living room. This evening I did laundry to make sure I had the long socks I wanted.

Several area schools have cancelled tomorrow because of cold. The boys are hoping their school cancels but no one is holding their breath. We have plans to go see Lord of the Rings this weekend since they are re-releasing the trilogy in theatres. Last Friday we saw the first one and Saturday and Sunday we’re supposed to see the second and third. There are supposed to be several inches of snow Sunday morning before the show.

Today we had a mandatory in-session for nursing staff. They had to review the areas that state had tagged us on. It’s normal to have a few tags and the directors were pleased with the results. I can’t remember if I’ve said this but I am grateful now to have a different way to be employed and make money. At first I was feeling bad that I wasn’t jumping right in to full time work, but thinking about it longer I think this way is nice too.