There is a meet in Beardstown tonight that won’t get over till late. It doesn’t feel like I have energy right now for another one, and I know we don’t have to go. There’s a bigger one on Friday that I’ve already taken off some of work for. The one on Thursday I said I was going to have to miss. You hate to say anything to these coaches who are more or less volunteering their time that the schedule they’re putting out is too much. I honestly don’t understand how people have the energy for this.

I was at Thrive again this morning and the people there are doing better. The one finally got back to a place of 10 days sober which took another trip the emergency room to get there. Realistically I can’t see how I could add a fourth day of doing the counseling work. When I do not get the recovery time it feels like too much to be with this many people. I know things can change and have been changing. I still don’t understand why I feel like this even when I am seemingly not doing very much.

I was thinking during a session that you really have to be mentally astute to be a counselor. It was kind of affirming to realize that. I do pray every day that God would help me to be keen. When I do remember the place where I was at several years ago it does seem unfathomable that I can even do this much. So I really do have to remember that.

Elianna sent me pictures of Zorro playing in the creek. We had some down pours throughout the day and the creek had turned into a wide lagoon of running water. I was both impressed by the pictures and the pops of water and color, and also worried that Zorro was going to be carried away by the currents. I saw the video where she called to him when he got too close to the deep part. He swims in the lake but I don’t know how different it is for dogs when the water can be deceiving.

We were on our way home from having dinner with the Trinity pastor and his wife. It’s a long story but after several weeks of trying to work out details we finally had a plan to meet for a camp tour and then drive back into town to eat Cancun. We scratched the camp tour because it was also downpouring and very dark at our house. There was running water on multiple places along the road and the poor farmers are probably going to have to replant. They were already inside.

The four of us were the only ones there. Our phones started going off with tornado warnings and everyone needed to do a check on their kids. They had one at home and another at play practice. It was a nice time and we were there for about two and a half hours. We talked about a lot of things beginning with the stories of how we met.

Earlier in the day I was sitting in the Thrive parking lot waiting for the supervisor. We were supposed to meet at 10 and I thought I had given him plenty of time to be late. But at 9:52 he texted saying he was running way late. The storms had made his power go out and his alarm had not gone off so he had just woke up. I wasn’t going to be exactly on time but I was arriving pretty close so I decided to go to McDonalds and get a coffee to warm mine up. I sat in the storms and wrote in my journal.

By 10:24 or something like that he was pulling in. I had texted him last about wanting to talk about what it would look like to be more on board with this somatic stuff I am wanting to try. He recently went and looked at small office several blocks down. Group has shut down and that has given him a lot more time. I told him if he officially decides at some point he is going to move locations and close down the business there could he please let me know so it is not a surprise? That’d be it for me.

We went to late service this morning. Our friend Danny is looking for a different place to go to church so we picked him up so he could try out Trinity. He said he gave it an A+. They had a guest preacher today so I didn’t pay as close attention. He did have a part where he was talking about Jesus calling Lazarus out of the grave and I had actual chills listening and imagining what that would have been like and inwardly rejoicing in Jesus’ power. I’m so glad that Jesus is able to do that.

I made two solid meals for Dad and the boys today. They’re all kind of tired and worn out from the meets. For two and a half months our minds are focused on track so we entertain the ideas of how state could happen and who could go in this relay and the thoughts are different depending on who the person is thinking them. It used to bother me more but now I’ve learned this is part of it. I try to tell them that they don’t need to PR every time and that even being able to run the same time but have it be easier would be considered improvement.

It was a nice Sunday resting. There were walks outside and the boys playing chess and grown ups taking naps. It wasn’t quite warm enough to swim. I feel like it’s going to be harder to get in the water this year because it seems like each year I am more afraid of the animals. I used to imagine a cheetah or a jaguar or something with its head swimming toward me. This time I’m worried about the beavers that are the length of a six foot man. Even the swimming seems far away sometimes.

It’s been great not having to worry about school. I didn’t feel like it was super stressful but I didn’t realize how much time it was taking up in my life. My online somatic class is finished and the certificate is in the mail. I used to think and dream up what I could do to go back for more school. But I don’t even have the faintest desire right now. What I want to do right now is putting the things I have learned into use. More school right now would only be a way to avoid any movement forward.

It is weird though because it some ways it feels like I haven’t any goals. With nothing to actively work on what am I supposed to do to keep busy? There’s a part of my brain that feels so fried and I don’t know if it’s from doing the school, or social media, or just being a dull person with not much to write or think about. Social media is pretty boring to me and I don’t really spend that much time reading.

Like I said, I have taken in a lot, I am ready to process it and use it. I feel like I am getting to do that now with my job. A lot of it is simply being brave enough to try.

The boys had a meet in Rochester tonight. Judah was running in the 4×8 at 5 o’clock so we left a little after 4 to be there in time to park, pay, and find our seats. The relay team was running their 4×4 boys to try and break the school 4×8 record. The one who can run anything had not yet run an 800 during this season and he ended up running a 2 minute split. The other boys did well too and they were able to get the record by 8 seconds with an 8:42. The four of them also ran the 4×2 and 4×4.

John ran the mile and 800 and had big PR’s in both. I think the mile was 5:10 and the 800 was 2:21. He said during the third lap he heard Roger the coach yell out at him “John! You got more!” and so he thought about it and ran faster. This meet is huge and I have heard has somewhere between 20-30 teams. The Auburn boys were there and won the 4×8 at 8:13. Nobody was surprised. They also won the 4×4 with a meet record of 3:22 something. Our boys got 4th with a PR of 3:33 something.

The meet was over at 10PM. There’s a set of parents who have a freshman boy and they are always there to watch him run. They used to leave when he was done running but I can tell they are starting to catch the bug and have been staying for the rest of the meets now. It really is something fun that people get into. His dad is always cheering for him whenever he runs by. Something about that makes me emotional to see and hear. I still got to cuddle with one under a blanket toward the end.

Because it was so long I liked to walk around from time to time. I found Elianna at the camp and so sat with her for a little while. I had video recorded the 4×8 so she watched it while we were sitting there. Ethan had a meet at the same time so that’s why I videoed instead of Facetimed. Another time walking by I watched his 800 run with John and Judah and he didn’t do as well as the last time. I took turns stopping by the camp and then they would come up to the stands and sit for a while.

One of the really fast Auburn boys does not have a dad. His mom was in the military and came back pregnant without a father. He came up and sat close to where we were sitting and leaned up against his mom. I wondered if he ever wonders what his dad would think of him. His mom is another who is always there. One of the boys came and sat with me while I was in my solitary filming station. He’d heard I had videos. At least I think that’s why he came up. I rubbed his back and lungs a few times.

The man came in and hadn’t done his homework. This is what he does, his wife explained. She tried to talk to him about it one night which resulted in him turning over and going to sleep without a word. About the homework, naturally I wondered, “Why didn’t you do it?” and I asked him. He looked at me and answered with a cold stare, “No excuse”. I thought it was an interesting choice of words. I could understand having no pathetic statement of explanation that would make it okay.

But what was your reason? Why was it hard for you to check in with your wife? These couples have me stumped at times. Because on one hand I feel the urgency and the pent up anger from too many years of not enough. And then there is him who can hardly emotionally function. So the first issue has to be tabled because the one will not be fixed without first dealing with and addressing the other. In the back of my mind it seems unfair because her issue and pain is the reason they’re there.

Not always. Sometimes it’s the man who said maybe we need to talk to someone. For one couple she’d been asking for ten years and then more intensely asking for five years. I have to get over that fear of her thinking, “Why is this suddenly all about him? About his emotions and pain when I’m the one who’s been suffering? When I’m the one who’s been wronged here?” And I have to be careful not to favor and start to get lost in too much deepness. I wonder what traumatized men so much.

They say you’re supposed to ask for what you need when it comes to your partner. I like the word partner better than spouse which I have explained at least once before I remember several years ago. It can feel kind of degrading wondering why I still am even having to ask. But here goes nothing so I just went for it in the morning when I was out for a walk and thinking about who knows what all else. “Can you be mindful of my emotional needs as things shift again? My heart needs to be fed.”

It’s against the better wisdom to try to communicate deeper or harder things over text, which is hard for me because it helps to write it. But anyway that all went well and by 9:15 I was out the door. I’ve been feeling really emotional since everything at conference, or maybe the emotional things lined up with the races. I had four couples today plus two individual sessions. I keep wanting to narrow things down more and more, to have a takeaway I can say and say and they can remember.

“Present and kind”, that is the goal. Through the discomfort, through the discussions, and practicing that again and again until it starts to feel better. Today with the couples we did a lot of practicing and using what was coming up in real time. I think this is the kind of emotional processing that I wasn’t quite getting to in my internship videos. To be fair it does seem easier to get there with two people where you know that the emotions and internal experience is so much of what is going on.

I have to say when I envisioned doing couples I was picturing Christian couples who were married. That would be about half of them. The other ones are non-Christian, some not even married and are still pretty young. Some of these things are just universal like the woman wanting to feel like she is loved and a priority. And the man saying something like, “empathy is hard for me”. But the amazing thing is is that they do open up. And sometimes very rarely there’s a departure from the patterns.

I emailed the boys and texted Ethan about conference and texted Josh on my lunch break to see how the day was. I usually do that because I’m missing them both. They had lunch for the staff today so that was nice because I didn’t have to pack anything. I miss the homeschooling and am feeling that continued growing and separation but he’s still doing well and our thing right now is playing chess. I’m still learning. My rooks keep getting sniped by bishops from all the way across the board.

The boys weren’t quite able to pull out a win at conference. They were definitely close. Ultimately it came down to a few things that they needed to go well but didn’t, basically the former track runner they’ve recruited a few times to be able to run two relays and two sprints. He sprained his hamstring in the first 4×1 so he was out after that. The other former teammate they recruited to come run did do really well and it was fun to see him run again. From “couch to track” his mom and grandma said.

The guy who ran the 49 last week is good in any event you put him in. He tried the 300M hurdles for the first time last week to see if he could do it and he won by what looked like 50 meters and was only a second off of the state qualifying time. So he ran both hurdle races today, plus did long jump and triple jump and won every event. He could’ve been in any event and won which is so amazing to me. I just love seeing those people that God has blessed with incredible talent and special abilities.

Our boys did good in their events. Judah won his 800, got third in the 400, and they won in the 4×400. John had a great leg in the 4×8 and the three first runners were able to get enough of a lead so that Judah was able to comfortably run at the end and save energy. So they won that. John also got fourth in the 3200 out of five runners which is what he needed to do to earn points and keep the team who eventually won at bay. Our other 2 miler stayed with the two lead guys and won that race.

They lost by 33 points, 18 of those were because the winners had the only pole vaulters which scored them 18 points. So all in all I thought they did really well and even though they didn’t win they all did great. I forgot to mention that our runner who won the 2 mile also also got second in the mile after getting beat at the very end. Another freshman and runner in our 4×8 also got fourth. By the time the meet was over it was close to 9PM. They all still seemed to be in good and decent spirits

We packed up Grandma’s car and then Josh, myself, and the youngest drove home in the dark. For the second time in three days we were almost side swiped on the interstate when a car was changing lanes and we were apparently in their blind spot. They half hour ride went fairly quick and Dad pulled into the McDonalds drive-way. I didn’t want anything but our son did. My mood dipped a bit from McDonalds to home and I was quiet and sad. I went to bed and Dad waited up for the boys.

We left Seward a little before 8 in the morning. Ethan and Laura had to get to class and we wanted to get on the road. It was an uneventful drive back with the boys and I taking several period of time to sleep and/or rest. I didn’t sleep in the car but moved to the back seat to have a different posture for a while. Once we were home I did finally sleep. The boys went to practice and Josh made supper even after we’d stopped at Hardees for lunch in the afternoon. We did end up being hungry again.

I’m not sure how we’re already over halfway through April. That’s almost halfway through the year even though I feel like we just started. At this point I just feel like it’s going to be summer before I’m moving again. This job has increased my need for walks while also decreasing the time I have to take them. And then the energy has to be there. It’s just always in the back of my mind that seasons are more rapidly now becoming years. I need my hips and knees to hopefully keep working for a while.

Ethan and Laura are supposed to be moving back in less than a month. We have worked down there but it is nowhere near ready in terms of hosting a pregnant daughter-in-law. Elianna is moving back too to work at camp. There aren’t a lot of set ups these days where you encounter situations that maintain the feel of a family business. That’s not what we are, but it does take the family to run it, or at least we all participate somehow. The trees and grass seem extra green this year. Very pretty.

We got into Seward a little after 4pm yesterday. We stopped by Walmart to pick up food to make supper and then headed over to Ethan and Laura’s apartment. Two of the boys had never been there. They played chess while Dad and I and Laura made food. After supper we went to the campus to play frisbee where the boys could run around more. I kept thinking that Zorro would’ve loved to be here for this. We dropped the boys back off at the apartment and then retired for the night.

We met everyone at church in the morning. They had a pretty full service and I’ve always thought this church was busy and large, which it is. Somewhere around the prayers, which is where I always start to feel this, I was thinking how do people do this every Sunday with hardly any variation or chance to talk about anything that is going on in your life. I had this feeling like why am I Lutheran and how have I been Lutheran so long? Josh must have sensed my distress because I looked over at him and he put his arm around me until the prayers ended.

Ethan had his meet and we left from here around 4. We’re so used to these track meets that they really don’t seem boring at all to me anymore. You can just kind of zone out and enjoy the weather while watching the events. It was a great day for running with comfortable temperatures and low wind. Elianna wanted to Facetime so I did that with her. Ethan was in a heat with the fast guys so his first lap strategy was to stay with them. By the last 100 he said it was just to keep a pulse.