Long story short Elianna and I are in the hospital where she was admitted for 24 hour observation to monitor a ruptured ovarian cyst. I never wrote about this, but two and a half years ago we had a similar incident like this where she woke up in the middle of the night in severe pain and was in the bathroom. She hunched up sitting on the side of the tub with a white face. I politely excused myself and went back into the back office and called 911 at 3am. They came to the house and everything.

But by the time they had gotten there she was starting to feel better. So they drove us in the ambulance and dropped us off at the hospital. After sitting in the ER for about half an hour we decided to just go home and make a doctor’s appointment in the morning, which is what we did. She had work ups done and that was a cyst too but a smaller one. This time was different in that the pain had been going on for about five hours and was not going away. So we took her to the ER.

After getting there around 1:10AM we got into a room around 4:30AM. It truly seemed like an eternity. I did what I could and told them she was in too much pain to just sit there like that. So they let us take her to the car and we sat out there and checked every half hour until they finally called us in. So they did a CT scan and an ultra sound and this time the cyst was 5-6cm and there was fluid in the abdominal cavity. Apparently blood greatly irritates the greater omentum which causes pain.

The greater omentum is the inner lining that covers and holds the internal abdominal organs. Right around noon we were admitted to the room. So we have mostly just hung out here and dozed on and off and this evening she is doing a lot better. Josh and the kids were at my mother-in-law’s 70th birthday party which was also today. Uncle Glenn came up to visit and so did Josh and Miles. Grandma and my sister-in-law took the boys, my niece, and Zorro home after the party was over.

So this has kind of sucked and was a struggle for a while. The hospital is a completely different world in the middle of the night. Right now I’m just thankful that everything has settled down and that she’s feeling better than before.

This evening was the Detweiller race in Peoria. The boys have been working hard over the summer to get ready for this race where they have different races for different levels and age groups. Ethan got 30th or 31st in the college and post-collegiate open race. He PR’d by nearly half a minute from his 3-mile race from two years ago and was happy with that. John got 17th in the open high school boys and girls race and was the only one from our family or school group who medaled.

Judah got 294th or something like that in the high school boys varsity. His leg was bothering him and he’d just gotten done with night owl week with an altered sleep schedule. I didn’t see him a single time in all the places I tried to see him, so that was a little disappointing. They didn’t run until 10:15PM so it was late and also dark. Each race had hundreds of runners in it and I think at some point I started to feel like the there were just too many runners in one place.

It was a very late night and I wish I could’ve stayed up long and processed more with the boys. Elianna had started feeling pain in her lower abdomen at some point during Ethan’s race. By the end of the night she could hardly walk because of the pain. At first it seemed like it was getting better and so I had somewhat forgotten about it until it was time to go home. We wanted to go to bed but neither one of us was able to sleep and for the rest of the night we really didn’t very much.

I saw the new for the first time in board daylight. We were walking to the dining hall and Josh nodded in her direction and said, “There’s your cat.” She was sitting on the edge of the woods watching people at main camp. I knew it was too early but I tried anyway to get closer to her. She ran away into the woods. I have not seen the kitten but one of the boys said he saw the mom and the kitten on the beach trail heading down from the retreat center. The mom could be a kitten.

This evening I went to a coed book club at a church member’s house. They study a C.S. Lewis book every other Thursday. I’ve been wanting to go to this and give it a chance but it falls on one of my longer work days and hasn’t worked out. I arrived ten minutes early only to be slightly shocked and partly horrified to find out that the first half hour from 7-7:30 is dedicated to casual conversation. I sat there thinking of all the things I could’ve done before I came. A nap. A very much needed walk.

I ended up leaving at 8:45. I need to process this because a lot was going on. We didn’t end up talking about the book much at all, which was partly a relief because I had not read the chapters. I was about ten years older than any person in the circle and besides the ones I see who are in church every Sunday, I knew none of the others. We had to go around the circle and say our name and how we know about mythology. I said that I didn’t know much and am not much of a fiction reader.

The book is TIll We Have Faces which is supposed to be this great book. I did read a google summary during one of my breaks. The hostess gave me a book to read which is titled With All Her Mind. It is a collection of essays written by mostly Catholic women. One time I was friends with an author who was compiling a collection of essays by Lutheran women. There were something like 14 chapters in the book. I remember being totally devastated when she did not ask me to write something for it.

It was supposed to be Lutheran women sharing wisdom with Lutheran sisters. It really did hurt, I was surprised even by me. I was never really into the prissy Lutheran writing anyway. I do think I have gotten less bitter about things over the years. I notice that I can watch Biblical womanhood reels by women who I think are way too snotty and negative toward other women and I do not feel all that triggered and can refrain from the urge to comment. Now feeling love, that is still a stretch.

This morning we experienced an welcome change in the weather. Yesterday at the beach the air smelled faintly of fall. I’m not sure how temperature can have a cooler smell but it does. It hasn’t even been too hot this summer but it’s still nice to have the windows open and it still be comfortable inside. I can tell that I haven’t been to the beach as much with my new schedule. I haven’t had the same summer weight loss that naturally happens. Josh wants to do whole30 starting in August.

That was his idea not mine. He’s on a fitness kick where he feels like he has to work to maintain his muscle mass. They have an extra weight room area set up in the garage. I’d bought a carpet a while ago that didn’t end up working out for the space that I bought it for. So it ended up in the garage where someone unrolled it for this little weight space. I’m just glad it’s getting used. The old mattress from the guest bed that the boys broke from plopping onto to the bed a few years ago is also there.

We tried to buy a new mattress that actually fit our bed frame. The one he bought before to surprise me ended up being a full sized bed even though he’d ordered a queen. We didn’t catch that in time to return it, we’ve just lived with this bed frame that sticks out about four inches on one of the sides and at the foot. So then we gave Ethan and Laura’s bed our double mattress and it fits like it’s supposed do there. But the new mattress that I ordered is too hard and I cannot seem to like it.

So I’ve been sleeping on this twin mattress in our room on the floor. It’s actually really comfortable. We told the kids when they moved in to not be alarmed if they find me sleeping in some other place. The rooms are taken up but the extra mattress from the boys’ bunkbed was free. So I don’t know what we’re going to do about that because obviously that isn’t a long term solution. Thankfully the mattress wasn’t super expensive so if we have to get a different one we won’t be out all that much.

It’s times like this when I feel like how are we not even adults yet. I still can’t even figure out how to get a right bed. Back in the day people went and tried them out at the mattress stores. But anyway it’s been fine and I miss my times of having more time to clean. We moved the bookshelves back to their wall in the basement and it feels more put together. I like when a project stays done like when I organized the shelves. Sometime I’ll spray off and air dry the area rug from my Grandma’s house.

The carpet guys came today to put in the carpet. When I left this morning they were starting and when I came home this afternoon they were done. I really like it and am kind of in shock. The staircase is exactly what I wanted and it all looks wonderful. The open space by the open wall does not even bother me. When I was downstairs taking it in I had flashbacks to the first time I turned the corner of the stairway into the room and fell in love instantly knowing I would homeschool there.

Today I ran into a woman at work who used to work at Hope but now has her own practice. She said that she had just met with the Hope director the other day for over two hours just talking. She asked if they knew I was moonlighting over here. I didn’t even know what that word meant so I had to look it up. My supervisor knows but I haven’t said anything else to anyone else there. It’s not a secret though. I wrote the other two bosses an email saying that I’d moved from my school site to here.

I was feeling really overwhelmed today but I’m just tired. It’s when the margin is taken up too much with many different things. Laura’s mom and another friend came over to swim in the afternoon. It was a perfect day for lake time. We had our date night in the evening and have been consistent no matter the distractions or reasons to put it off this time. Today is the 23rd anniversary of a camper dying after the swim test. He had an enlarged heart and they named an outdoor chapel after him.

My mom called while I was out on the lake. I was testing out my waterproof phone bag again and it’s working well. I like feeling like I have some kind of handy gadget. I can wear it around my neck so you don’t have to worry about it falling into the water and sinking to the bottom of the lake. My is in charge of my sister’s bridal shower in a couple of weekends and was wondering if it was really necessary to have prizes for the games. I told her it wasn’t and that no one goes for those things.

Before that Elianna and I had gone to Ross for clothes. She was looking for dresses and I browsed for anything that might be nice to wear as well. The girl at the checkout counter was very stressed and the fitting room girl faintly smelled of marijuana. This week is night owl week so two of the boys are gone. It’s always hard to drop them off. I had a lot of the day to myself besides the things I mentioned. I was able to get my Relias videos done and let my boss know the hours for payroll.

A girl at the dock said I had a bug on my shirt. I was sitting on the dock watching the night owl swim tests. She then realized it was a spider and asked me please not to kill it. I said I only would kill it if it was a tick. She carefully picked it off of my shirt until it fell onto my shorts and then I was able to gently brush it to the dock. Another girl came up later and said I had a wasp on my back. We need to get some wasp killer and spray it down there. They have plenty of places to build their nests.

It’s been a little while since anyone has seen the cats. We think she might have found a home across the street with the widow neighbor. She was walking that way once while we were driving into town. She saw our van and crouched down in the grass and flattened herself like they do when they’re hiding. One of the boys had captured some footage of her eating in front of our house after walking up from camp one day. Other than in a video from the dining hall, I have never seen the kitten.

Today marks the last full week of the camp season. It really does go by pretty fast. I have a lot of work this week with getting ready for a birthday party and catching up on notes and Relias videos for my jobs. My sister has a bridal shower and I want to make sure I have a decent gift with a bag and tissue paper and all of that. I still haven’t had a conversation with my mother-in-law but it’s coming back to me again as something I really need to do.

I have missed my own grandmother a lot. Today would’ve been her and my grandpa’s 74th anniversary. This is also the 27th year anniversary of Josh and I meeting. I can’t remember if I’ve ever written about it, where he was washing dishes in a purple apron. It’s kind of crazy to think we were meant to get married, have kids, and now grandkids. I miss my grandpa too who was a very gentle and funny man. It’s interesting how the various generations get forgotten and also remembered.

Tonight we went to the Muni to watch The Prince of Egypt performance. It ended up raining and getting cancelled. The blankets we brought to sit on ended up getting soaked from the downpour. It was a nice idea it was just one of those things that didn’t work out for whatever reason. So instead of watching the show we decided to watch the movie at home. It was late by the time we got home but I thought I needed to make the exception and stay up later instead of just going to bed.

Before that it’d been a pretty good day. We spent the morning moving things around in the basement because they’re supposed to come on Tuesday and put new carpet downstairs. The basement guys came and had several suggestions but none of them seemed like something we wanted to have them do. So for now the plan is to carpet the downstairs but to not replace the carpet in the area on the wall where it leaks and floods. They can figure this out at some point.

I don’t know. I’ve kind of lost my motivation and enthusiasm for the project. On the weekends I like to try and dedicate effort toward the mealtimes. Everyone was going to be home so I planned out the meals for lunch and supper and also lunch for after church. We made up the casseroles so that they are ready. I don’t mind the cooking because I know the effect is a happy family. It also makes me feel somewhat productive and on top of things. We also went to the beach which was nice.

Most of the time I drive away from work still thinking about the various people. The two couples I had are still in the early phase of meeting where this was only our second session. Another was an also new pregnant woman approaching the year anniversary of an infant loss. The other was a younger man I’ve met with almost weekly since he started coming. There was an another new couple earlier in the week who within the hour showed me we needed to do the sessions separately.

If he even comes back. This is exactly the kind of experience I was hoping to get. Another woman usually waits for me to initiate leading with questions. That’s not the way things usually go but with her it is. For her ideal self she wanted peace. I asked if she ever connects her peace to the existence of God. She said thoughts of God don’t enter her mind unless someone else happens to bring it up first. I truly was not even able to imagine.

She started going to church because she needed a church to cover her sessions. They say with couples therapy that the relationship is the client. I’m not sure that I agree. At least that’s not how I think about it and that’s not what I tell them. I think of them both as the clients who are in a relationship that is not going to be able to work without either one of them. Sometimes the parts of the relationship that need attention are the people themselves. I think that’s more how I would say it.

It had been awhile since my friend and I had gotten together for our book study. My being immersed in summer has contributed to my not reaching out. I had purposely saved my appetite so that by the time I got there I was good and hungry. We enjoyed our food and talked about our latest chapters.

Work had been a decent day, described to Laura as two hard ones and two easy ones. Two of my days I only had half days after I blocked my schedule after certain cancellations. It’s a math thing for me. My time is important and if I’m not getting paid I’m not going to be there for hours and hours.

I think a big temptation in the (lifelong) process of grief is to think the final destination is a radical acceptance of the brokenness of the world. The intolerable situation. The thing that can’t be changed. It’s a lot to get even there. But it helps me also to see that the ceasing of the fighting is better than the struggle. The peace is so magnanimous and so pronounced, to where to go back to the entryway, to go back to the starting point of all of our days truly seems an obvious fools errand.