Today we had the preliminary races for the state track meet. They got 19th place overall and PR’d by finally making the state qualifying time by .1ish seconds. The race itself was kind of a blur and went by fast. Judah had been in a funk all week being very quiet and full of dread. I tried to tell him that he’d already done the big hard thing by getting to state. I was glad when it was all over too because my nerves did hit once they started lining up. Later after the race he was back to his normal self.

Two of the boys and I arrived by noon to watch the 4×8’s. We hung out under some trees and squinted through the banners which were covering the fence to the track. Those were not part of our viewing plan and had not been there before several years ago. We had planned to also watch the miles and 800’s but ended up being caught up with the team tent activity of everybody staying shaded to avoid the sun and heat. A friend from Hoyleton met us there and she and I visited.

Dad and the rest of the crew came around 3. The boys ran around 4:15 and we watched from the stands. There is something super cool about being at state. We drove home in our respective cars and I told the boys we can come back for state for the next three years now. One restarted the playlist that we’d listened to on the way there and another re-watched some of his races from their YouTube channel I stared. When I was uploading them I thought, “gosh, I should’ve been doing this (getting videos from our life) the whole time.”

I’m rethinking a couple’s session where the guy was falling apart and using words like “anguish”. It really makes the concept of being secure make more sense. But how do you explain that to somebody, and even more so, how do you help someone start to become more secure? In other sessions when I’ve tried to describe it I’ve used words like “being secure means that you know it in your heart”. What did the one today need to know? Something like, “I’m okay. I’m not bad.”

So if I could go back I wish I could say something like, “Let’s try to find something sure to go back to. What truth can each of you return to during times when you feel this hopelessness and despair?” About themselves. About their relationship. And then they can practice remembering and returning to those truths. Instead I ended up giving two takeaways. The first was being able to mutually hold each other’s pain. To grow their capacity to sit with the other’s feelings without it being so personal.

The other was to find those little things like he had mentioned, the hug from her that felt amazing. Or for her, the family time. Being secure helps when it comes to dropping defensiveness. You don’t have to fight to be fill-in-the-blank because you can know in your heart that it’s true. In this case, these people truly are dear and loved.

I’m super excited about my Strava account. My Garmin watch came in the mail this afternoon so I got that all set up and then tested it out in the water. All my kids have black ones so I decided to get aqua. I’m not planning to wear it all the time because I only really want to use it for workout tracking purposes. Today I did a mile in the lake and two miles on land. I noticed my walking pace was pretty slow and tried to speed it up to get it under a 20 minute mile pace. It felt like super speed walking.

It just helps to see these things sometimes. Today I was at Thrive in the morning and saw three people again from 9 to noon. I told another one that I was leaving and that my official last day there would be the 19th. Hopefully I will be done before then. I do feel bad about some of this and like I probably hurt the Thrive supervisor’s feelings. I don’t know if there will be another point or chance to try to smooth things over with him more, but today wasn’t that day. I didn’t see or talk to him.

I woke up at 4:45 in the morning feeling lonely and dissatisfied. Every couple of months I have to wake him up to tell him all the ways that I’m unhappy. I am usually thinking about it from my perspective but this time I was thinking that if I could go back then I wouldn’t choose or want to put him through all of this either. I think I have finally figured it out. If I can have a day or two where I can tell him that I’m unhappy, and at least not have to keep it all inside, I can genuinely be happy again.

There are things that are hard sometimes about being married to a person. But there are also things that are easy. For some reason after ten years of doing summer camp we decided we needed to plan an evening a week to get away from being here. It’s fine most of the time but sometimes it’s nice to have that tangible reminder and break that we do have a life together outside of camp. We went to chick-fil-a and then to Sam’s to pick up berries and juice for the boys and whoever else.

The last mouse said goodbye in the night. I ordered Elianna an Amazon card with three little mice on it and a blank space where I thought I could write a Scripture passage about God caring for animals. I forget exactly what I googled but I think the one I settled on was Psalm 50:11, “I know every bird of the mountains, and the creatures of the field are mine (Christian Standard Bible).” That way she’ll have something to remember them. She can keep it on a shelf or use as a bookmark or something.

One of the baby mice died in the night. Whatever happened to them yesterday must have been too much for them because they weren’t the same in terms of movement and liveliness. After a typical non-work day morning of starting laundry and tidying rooms, we packed up the car to go to Grandma’s house for lunch. Dad had some trees that he wanted to plant. He has this idea to plan trees every year so that our grandkids can come and pick Christmas trees. We started with four.

We had a good lunch with my sister-in-law’s family who was still there. There really is something going on where they seem to be taking more advantage of the time. They come up so much now. I’m not complaining it’s just not the way it’s been for so long. Moving closer has definitely helped I’m sure. Between their jobs and kids’ schedules I don’t know how they have the energy to keep going without having more down time. But I am trying to embrace more the time together we have too.

We finally made it to the lake today. Laura came with us along with the younger boys. I joined Strava and bought a Garmin watch so I can track my swims and be more motivated to post things. My son told me after I bought it that the watch isn’t going to be good for swimming in the lake because of something with the satellite. Paddleboard routes work better. So I am going to have to figure that out because the whole point was to track swims. I can also do biking or walks.

Today was a good kick off to camp day. We had the hog roast and there was a good turnout with lots of good help in the kitchen and elsewhere. We had a service out at camp and then the meal followed afterward. My sister in law and her family were here so that was nice. I am at the parenting stage now where I do not have to wonder where my kids are or try to keep track of them. I just cannot even believe that we have been here for ten years and that they are basically all grown up now.

After everything was over Ethan and Laura went home to change and get ready for the beach. They came back down with the container where the mice had been staying. They said they walked in and found the oven door all the way open. We’d been keeping them in the oven with the door cracked open in order to keep them away from the cats. But Laura found one of the mice on the kitchen floor with its head gone. Another one she found in the living room still alive after she heard it squeaking.

We figured the other one had been eaten (there were three). I felt so bad for Elianna since she’d worked so hard to keep them alive. I wasn’t really sure what to expect with them but after they were lively and still doing fine after a few days, I figured they must be getting enough food and warmth. When we came back inside one of the cats was sitting next to the garbage can staring at the paper bag in the corner. It’s turns out one of them was over there. So there are now two of them in a cupboard.

Everything was going fine until I wanted to get a card for one of the Auburn runners. One of the parties we were going to was a joint party for five of the Auburn boys, one of who we are related to through my mother in law’s family. So we had our cards for all the parties and I wanted to get this boy a card. I knew it was risky to even suggest it. But sure enough, when I brought the card over to the group, they said no and that was weird and that this person didn’t even know who I was.

So after a while of standing there they talked me out of it. I hung my head and put the card back in the holder and to the entire group said something like, “You’re just diminishing my heart like you always do”, and I left the store choking back tears and stood at the car door until they all came back from buying the cards. It’s been a while, but this one hurt for some reason. Once I was in the car and out of the public eye I could let out my tears and blow my nose and try to explain what this was.

It was heartbreaking when Ethan did not win that race. At the time, I had been stressed about it and relieved when the entire six-month affair was over. The researching shoes. The Christmas gift of getting them. The looking up training plans. The obsessing over times. The winter months of actual running and training. The kid who won had a 3 second PR that day. Ethan’s legs started to give out where he was wobbling and did not seem in control the last 25 meters. He fell over the finish line.

I wasn’t there. I’ve picked up bits and pieces of the story as its been told. He was trying to make state also in triple jump and was three centimeters away from the state distance. So he kept trying to give it one more jump, for a total of five. Because of this he did not warm up and had given more significant use of his legs. He went from triple jump to 800, the race he was really hoping to win. But Barth won instead and even after three more years of running he never ran another 800 that fast.

So what else was I supposed to do but be bondedly fascinated with this freshman kid who ran sophomore year, then junior year, and now is almost done running his senior year. If I couldn’t hate the kid I might as well get him a freaking card. I never said anything else about it, but I saw at the party that Ethan had given him his own card. I scanned the table with all of his medals but didn’t look too close for that one. They’re ranked first in the state in the 4×4 this year. I hope they win.

Dad and the kids went to go see fireworks in town tonight. Miles’ parents invited us. I came home from work today and ate something then laid down. I stayed there through supper which was down at the dining hall for the camp staff. Today was a good day but the weeks are still tiring. My favorite part about my job, if I had to pick today, would be getting to use my mind. My second favorite is being hospitable to the people who come especially when they bring a friend or family member.

We have graduation parties tomorrow so I am saving my social energies and stayed home from the outing. I was going to start reading in this somatic therapy toolbox book I’ve been wanting to dive into. I did read some of it. Zorro is outside so I will take him for a walk. But it’s late already and I am ready to settle down and go to bed. Earlier in the evening I cleaned up the laundry room and entry way spaces to get a head start on the Saturday cleaning since we will only have the morning.

I feel like I need to say this and then just keep moving forward. But I have felt a big relief since breaking away from the Thrive thing. Nothing was going to fix the frustration of not having a legitimate outlet to channel my feelings. And I was tired of feeling miserable for it. I’m just grateful to have had like I said, that sudden burst of clarity and total change in what I wanted. The Matthew Perry book helped. It made me realize that years of wasted love was not what I wanted for my life.

I don’t even know what to write about. I was gone for most of the day at work and so was not around to be aware or part of the activities. Staff training has started so people were busy doing that. There were some really nice “ah ha” moments in counseling today. It’s really great when that happens and you have that sense of things connecting. It balances out the times when your supervisor lets you know that one of your couples partners complained about you to the director.

I wasn’t hearing her enough. I do feel a little bad feeling like I have hardened in some ways. You really do have to be secure for this. But I am not going to bend over backwards to accommodate immature behavior or get people to change their minds about me. I think I have decided that it is at least worth trying to work something out if someone has a problem with you or if you have a problem with them. But you can kind of get a feel if things are going to go one way or the other. Sometimes a relationship just doesn’t work out.

Or never forms, whatever the case is. As I used to hear certain people say, “I’m not for everybody.” I did forget to ask today whether it’s normal or how often it happens to have interpersonal conflicts with clients. One would hope that it’s not very much. I really do love getting to know people and becoming familiar with their various lives and stories. It doesn’t feel one sided to me. It just feels like you were able to lend a hand or offer yourself in some way that caused you to grow.

The boys made state in their 4×4 race. What happened was that the number 3 seeded team in the state ran an unusually slow third leg which allowed our third person to pass him and gain a significant lead. Then our anchor took off and the number 3’s anchor who on his best day can run a 1:51 800 had enough of a gap to make up that he was not able to catch up. Our first two boys did really great. So they ended up getting 2nd which was enough to give them a place to go to state.

So nobody knows what happened to the number 3 team’s third runner who ran about a minute time for his split. Our team was .4 seconds off of the state qualifying time but they tell me if our anchor had had to run his hardest then they would’ve beaten that. But there wasn’t the pressure because he had a comfortable second. PORTA who was also ranked ahead of us and lost on their senior night last week while we were there also had an off night and ran ten seconds under their seed time.

So that’s how it goes sometimes. Enough stars align and it works out. I’m tickled for them that they made it. Once Judah had gone and I could relax more I just kept thinking, “where are all the fast teams??” They were in second or third the whole time. The team who won was also ranked very high in the state (5th??) so no one imagined making state because of place. But anyway. John got 5:06 in his mile which wasn’t sub 5 but was still a four second PR and he was happy with progress this year.

We drove two cars to the meet. The boys had to be their earlier so I took them. Josh came later with the rest of the family. I took a nap in the backseat and walked around and called my sister since I didn’t have any money to get in. I caught her up on my Thrive woes which were troubling me as I recounted the long and exhausting story. I do not take it for granted that I have sisters who I can talk to about things. I did tell him at the end that I wish this (our conversation) would’ve gone differently.

One of the boys brought his chess set along so we played in the stands. Elianna had three baby mice she was feeding after Ethan found them while he was cleaning out the meat cookers for the hog roast this weekend. I saw a woman from marriage counseling so I politely tried to not make contact. After the meet we went to find the team and get pictures. The 4×8 Concordia team was running in nationals so we stopped to watch that. I followed the lead car home through remote country roads.

Today was a weird day at Thrive. The first three hours I had a conversation with each of my clients and told them how I was leaving Thrive and that we had to figure out what that meant for the future of our meetings. I did not give any explanation. I sort of made promises that felt too early to know if I’d be able to keep. I have not signed on or started onboarding with this other group practice but I was presenting this like it would be a potential option, even if one not available at the current time.

And then I had to meet with the supervisor after that to further discuss this email that I sent to him and the sudden change of plans. I didn’t really feel like I had anything more to tell him and when I tried he said I was being very vague. He said he can’t read my mind and if I was needing more time from him in terms of professional guidance and willingness to be available for questions, then we just had to schedule it. I said it’s just you and me here. He said so you’re wanting a bigger team?

All of this was happening while he was on hold with an insurance company to remove a therapist who is transferring sites to go somewhere else. I tried to tell him there were things about the way he did things that were different than how many people say we’re supposed to do them. At one point he told me he had never in his entire time doing this had an experience like this where he was met with what seemed like so much entitlement. I wondered if I had a blind spot he was showing to me.

Well anyway. In all of this I have tried to make it work because there’s still that part of me that feels in some way that I’m supposed to be in this person’s life for some reason. I have no interest in breaking rules with this person or keeping myself tied to there because of some faulty belief system on my part.