I’ve almost used all of my $100 bills from the past three or four Christmases and birthdays. They’ve gone fast lately with one going to Elianna to buy groceries when she was out visiting Ethan and Laura. Another I gave to her to use toward purchasing a $135 10-class yoga card. Somehow we were talking and it got me thinking about needing to do some kind of regular body work practice like the heated yoga flow classes I used to love. I am 100% positive she is going to love them too.

Then one needed money because he’s been spending all of his on dinner dates with his girlfriend. It’s like every weekend sometimes twice and even during the week when they are getting together. I told him her family might actually want to still spend some time with her. So I gave him another one but he had to use some of it to stop by Dollar General and buy dad and I coffee since we’re out. You would think we would have some savings or something but whatever we had is now gone.

So I have one more left now. They’re rolled up in an old Xanax bottle on my dresser. I can’t remember the last time I’ve taken one or needed one. It became more difficult once they kept insisting that I couldn’t get my $3.18 refill without coming in and spending $120 on a co-pay for a $400+ doctor’s visit. It’s like, I’m a mom who needs pills to cope with my nerves at the track meets sometimes. All these rules that don’t actually serve or help the people who need medicine.

The college XC team had their conference meet in Iowa today. Vaughn was back to getting first on the team and finished fourth overall. He is one of the friends who watches Lila and I feel an incredible awe that my granddaughter gets to be watched by a superstar. He’s very humble about his abilities and is one of the nicest people you’ve ever met. He has a childlike personality that seems very innocent. I like to talk about Vaughn like I actually know him even though I don’t.

I’ve just met him a couple of times and seen videos he’s made and put in the team chats. It’s crazy how God makes people like that. Not only do they have the gift of the talent but then they also have the gift of the gentle and unassuming spirit. It makes me in love with them all of the more. Now I’m just getting awkward but I don’t care, it’s true. I found this song today called The Earth and Us by William Augusto. It reminds of the theme song in A Beautiful Mind which makes my heart ache.

I told you
I love you
in a dream

But you keep
asking for a sign
I was real

Now I’m back to feeling like I want to talk about work all the time and all these interesting people. At the other place I do not think about the people as much but at this one I do. Today I was more caught up in all of the heart reasons I am leaving. I would categorize it into three groups and I do apologize for any cringe terms or language. But there are the ones where I feel like we have bonded very deeply and significantly. That is the smallest group. The biggest group is mostly everyone else.

And then there are the ones where I had bonded to them and they left. I feel like I will always have in my mind these beginning people and those initial sessions of trial. But I also do not feel the need to dwell to much upon that. With the exception of possibly last year we are at the lowest we’ve ever been for money so this isn’t exactly the time to be spending hundreds of dollars on therapy office supplies and set up. So I’ve only spent about $40 so far. I talk about the office issue too much too.

It’s not really that big of a deal. I really can adapt and be content in a lot of environments. I still want a blanket warmer and bolster pillows and oversized throws and weighted Indian blankets. So we’ll see. Whenever I do these three in a row five minute meditation practices it almost always has me dreaming about somatic therapy and very rarely some sort of task such as schedule an appointment with the chiropractor. I realized I kind of ghosted him and never used all my purchased sessions.

Zorro and I walked down to the lake before work this morning. Dad and the littlest were at a chapel visit in Champaign so they had left earlier in the morning. All of my appointments showed up today which was nice. It’s gotten better since the summer but the damage was done and it went on long enough that the other choice became more appealing and made too much mathematical sense.

I didn’t mean for it to go this way. The Hope supervisor says I have nothing to be sorry for or to feel bad about but I do feel bad and I do feel sorry. I’m sorry it didn’t work out. I’m sorry that I basically just got there and now I am leaving. Today it was announced in the Teams chat so the rest of the staff knows now. I told my nursing boss that I was not able to keep up with ongoing requirements.

So that’s officially over now too. I need to remind myself though that being with one person at a time for 4-5 hours a day is much more doable and enjoyable than being responsible for 14 patients on a wing for eight straight hours. A part time job can be 15 hours a week and still bring in significantly more than if I worked two 8-hour shifts. One I could do for at least two more decades.

The boys were off school this morning for election day. It was nice for everyone to wake up and not have to focus on getting out the door. Somehow we started talking about how we needed to take another vacation to Florida. I told my cousin after the wedding that I needed to come down there and see what this Disney thing was all about. My aunt loved Disney and all of them love Disney. Every time we’ve gone down there they ask us about going but we have always declined.

So we told Dad our idea and before we knew it he was marking it in his calendar. We were talking about going in February or March before track season and he said it would have to be on a week when he didn’t have a chapel visit scheduled. I said that it’s early enough beforehand that he could still reschedule or cancel it. But thankfully during the boys spring break in March there weren’t any chapel visits scheduled. I told Elianna that we’d have to figure out something to do with Zorro.

I made the boys their sectionals video tonight. I’ve gotten lazier with the video making and sometimes things are out of order or the song and the pictures do not perfectly line up at the end. But it is what it is and hopefully they still appreciate them. The conversations have already switched over to track already so quickly. Josh made a really great supper–I love when he cooks. It was like every other day of trying to savor the moments and never quite feeling like you’re catching them all.