Easter Sunday was nice. Elianna and Grandma said we didn’t have to bring anything and they kept it simple themselves with ham, mashed potatoes, baked beans, rolls, and deviled eggs. They also made five different pies for dessert and we all went around and sampled them. No one has said this out loud that I’ve heard, but I think this side of the family is doing their best lately to really try and increase the quality of the time we are spending together. More games. More intentional talking.

I wished Ethan and Laura a happy first Easter. I knew they weren’t coming home but I did feel the absence of the changes. I finally went outside and went for a walk and called my sister. Even after decades of being part of a different family I need to hear those familiar voices and have one of those different, eternal conversations. On the way home from Nebraska I called another sister and she had experienced a similar thing after all of the executive action of running three kid services.

She just wanted to go and sit with my sister at her house. She had her own stress and issues going on but it didn’t matter. Back at my mother-in-law’s house, my mind had latched on to the idea of going for Ethan’s track meet. The problem was the 7 hour drive two days in a row followed by my first week of three days at Hope. The only solution I could think of was to leave that evening and get some of it out of the way while I still had sunlight and energy. I just wanted to get another one in.

I left Chillicothe around 9 and found Laura in the stands a little after 1. She likes to talk and had a lot to talk about while we watched and still had a little while before the race. I wondered if Ethan ever had a hard time with it, or if she ever feels lonely wishing he was more enchanted with it. They’re supposed to register for fall classes this week and she was still trying to figure out what she’s going to do with the baby coming. I want her to finish and if she has good support and care it’s doable.

Ethan ran his race and did well. He’s still trying to get his sub 2 which I really hope he can do at some point. After his race he came up and sat with us and I still have to deal with nerves when he’s around catching his breath. He said he’s been sick and coughing the past week and then he coughed about once every two minutes for the rest of the time he was sitting with us. We watched a few more races and then Laura and I went back to the apartment to start on supper. The later 4×800 was scratched.

It was only going to be two Concordia teams and lots of the runners weren’t feeling it today. Ethan wasn’t one of them but I was relieved he wasn’t going to run again feeling sick. Laura only had seven lasagna noodles instead of nine and so we improvised and made a layer with her leftover tortellini which would not have been enough to use for a meal. She showed me her wedding pictures and the photo album she’d made with the free Shutterfly prints. We have one like it that sits on our piano.

She said she wished she’d had more pictures of the bachelor party and I told her I had several from when I’d gone stalking them. She hadn’t even thought to ask me. So I airdropped those to her and she has enough blank pages she is going to move them all over so she can fit these ones in. She knows all the teammates now so it was fun for her to see again who was there. After supper we Facetimed with Grandma to watch the races in Riverton. I left after that to drive a little more home.

We went to the sunrise service at Trinity. Dad had bought the boys new shirts for this year and also a shirt for himself. I wore some flowery dress pants I’d forgotten I had but bought when I was trying to find clothes for Hope. They were comfortable and it felt like I had tried to make an effort to dress different for Easter. The pastor had a good sermon and we talked about it on the way from church to breakfast. I wish I had more people to gab with at these church things but it’s fine. I do like it.

Katrina arrived on Saturday but didn’t stay very long. She drove through the night from Fort Collins Colorado after asking a man she knew for money. He filled up her gas tank and gave her$100. Around Hannibal Missouri she was texting me and another camp girl that she was almost out of gas and money. She texted back a little later and said she’d found a buddy. Some guy had filled her tank for her. I know it’s not the most ideal way to do things but this is what you’ve got to do sometimes.

Gosh. So I went to Dollar General to get and a few things for her and the dog. I was actually quite astonished and maybe in inspired by how far she had driven. She sent videos throughout the night which thankfully were not waking me up each time. I watched the little dot travel across Nebraska and then Missouri and then reach Illinois. It was hard when she came back from a walk around the lake and said she still felt too contained. She couldn’t stay any longer. She needed to keep going.

I did try to talk her out of it, or help her regulate, or whatever you want to call whatever it was I tried to do. Her demons tried to throw a fit and made a little show and dance. It didn’t freak me out but the conversation made me realize I wasn’t going to be able to force her. She said she could tell I was sad and wanted to give me a hug. I hugged her quick and then she kept trying to hug me differently, pulling back my hair from over my chest, moving her sweatshirt away from hers. I didn’t want her to.

I told her I didn’t want to be forced either. I said why don’t you get your car and I will help you pack up since she had already unloaded her bed for the dog. While she was getting the car I loaded up her laundry basket with the items I’d picked up from dollar general, minus the dawn dish soap which was for me. I had to let her parents know she had left. At some point later in the afternoon I was in my room releasing all this and doing my moves for a feeling I was having in the middle of my chest.

Her parents called which pulled me out of my tears. They were at least grateful she’d made it out of Colorado. She had made that happen and took those steps for herself. The rest of that day was pretty low key though Josh and I both were more down about it all. He got the food ready for when Grandma, Elianna, and Miles came over for our lamb meal we typically have at some point during Holy Week. After church on Sunday we came home and rested before heading to the farm for lunch.

It was a nice day there. My sister and law was there with her family and Uncle Glenn was also there. I’d had it in my head to possible come out for Ethan’s track meet which had gotten switched from Holy Saturday to Easter Monday. I did pray with Katrina before she left. I’d been back and forth about whether or not to go because of the drive but I finally decided to go. Josh took me back to the house and I packed up my stuff and drove to Chillicothe. It was a good drive and I was grateful again.

Overall the month went really well. I did not experience those pains I know so well and felt stable in times when I usually don’t. As I type I am still not positive whether or not this Katrina woman is going to be arriving at the camp sometime this weekend. It’s gone from renting a truck to having no money to driving her own car to being $60 over-drafted. If she can get here we will house her and her dog in one of the buildings.

Even with the minimal dealings I’ve had with people with major attachment disorders, where people try to give them love and it turns out to be this terribly draining, crushing thing, I still think, “Well, maybe loving her will help.” You see it with adoptions. I’ve seen it with a couple who inherited their damaged adopted grandson after being molested by his adopted father, their son. You see it with addicts who have everything there.

The food. The support. The willingness to understand. And it’s still not enough to heal whatever damage that’s happened. People ruin their lives for things like this or end up feeling like their lives have been ruined. I’m hoping at some point that she can be reunited with her parents who I do think would take her back. But anyway, first she needs a tank of gas. I told her to go to the gas station and ask someone if they’d fill her tank.

That’s what we did in Hoyleton with the beggars because you never know if they’re using money for drugs. She says she isn’t on any. I would like to believe her, that the little girl whose face is looking up at me from my waist is somehow telling the truth. Everyone she asks there says they have nothing to give her. I think how hard is it to find $50 to fill your gas tank? Or to find a single soul or will pay the money to fill it for you?

How do that many people have not even that much money? And how does one person have no more resources, nothing left? The unemployment was supposed to come through today but didn’t. But she says she cannot wait another day. I don’t know what to tell her other than that I will be here and if she can get here I will work with her and we will help her however we are meant to do so.

I talked to my nursing boss this morning and asked if I could still stay on PRN even though I was not able to meet the monthly requirement. I told her even one shift every two months would be better. She had to talk with the rest of the nursing team to see what they thought and a few hours later she said they said I could stay on. I asked if they came up with anything in terms of requirements and she said not really. Just to make sure I try and pick up 1-3 shifts over the next few months.

So that was nice that I didn’t have to completely give that up. It really was just the every other weekend I didn’t want anymore and did my last regularly scheduled Saturday a few days ago. The one who is getting my spot is one of the older nurses who does weekend doubles. I was glad it was her because I always felt a little guilty that I was on the easier floor while she was the one on the hard floor. She always talked about how awful it was and there was always something going on.

I was at Thrive in the morning seeing my regular people. One of the women I’m seeing has entered into a major relapse that seems like a spiral she is not going to come out of. The signs were all there and I could see them coming for months. It’s hard because I wanted to say something like “get your butt to a meeting” or “tell this boss she’s not respecting your boundaries” when she kept asking her to work more and more. She’s been to the hospital, a detox facility, and still came home and drank.

It’s hard to know where that line is between timidity and compassion. But I know what overthinking is so I just try not to do that. I was having countertransference (when their issues trigger something in your issues) once home because I was mad that she was out on the roads where my kids are. I did not tell my supervisor that because when he was a teenager he was the driver in a wreck that killed his friend. My oldest son’s track team had a teammate who was recently killed by a drunk driver.

Another one was seriously injured and will likely never run again. Josh went to a visitation this evening for a friend of camp who was killed in a car crash going to church. He was the man who would donate several hogs each year for our hog roast. I stayed home and made supper from the squash that’s been hanging around on the counter. The boys came home from practice and were very hungry and Dad had said not to wait for him.

I’ve been working all day on trying to finish my class. I finished my book report, the final exam, and am almost finished with the session notes from the practicum sessions. I’ve got until April 20th or so to do it so I’m hoping to get it done this week. It will good to not have completely wasted $1,200 and to not have the pressure of a deadline to get the second class done. I’m still wondering how exactly it is I’m going to use this. I still can’t tell if the being at Thrive dream is something real or a fantasy.

This Katrina woman has been texting non-stop throughout the day. I told her I cannot reply to them all but I am seeing them. We are looking into trying to get in touch with her parents. Today was a decent day weather wise and I went out for several walks. I almost texted her pictures of camp but I decided against it. I walked barefoot in the sand and tried to get a little sun. Walking up the road I still do get that short of breath feeling like I’m fighting the gravity. It’s nowhere near what it was though.

I’m grateful for this little life. My son and I played several games of chess today plus a card game called Monopoly Deal which we played with Dad as well. I didn’t think my brain could handle learning the game rules but it was easy to catch on. Elianna picked up Zorro today and baked banana muffins before she left. The boys came home from practice and we had supper. God is very good and deserves the credit for the many ways he works in our lives. There are too many to number.

Today was Palm Sunday at church. It didn’t really feel like Palm Sunday for some reason. We went to the early service to avoid confirmation at the 10:30 service. They’re still talking in Bible class about moving the two services to one in the summer and more people voiced support. I feel too new to really give my opinion. I do like the idea of having one service and having less of the consumer church mindset. Here you go, we offer 10:30 or 8:00. Take your pick on what works best for you.

One of the men who wasn’t supportive said he at least thought we should not have to have three pastors at every service in the summer. There are three pastors and three services every weekend and he didn’t think they needed to have all of them there. It would lighten their load. The pastor shot himself in the foot when he said it wasn’t a big deal to do two services in the morning since he’s already there. That wasn’t the point. If I were his wife I would’ve been like yeah but to be with you…

After lunch I took a nap. While I was sleeping and waking up I heard my phone buzzing with texts and I wondered who it could be. When I picked up my phone it was an unknown number with texts saying that this was an old camper from when Josh and I were both counselors. There was this sense this was a complicated thing and I was hesitant to answer but felt that I should. Long story short she says she doesn’t want to die and has become very sick and needs a place for healing and to just be.

So that was all pretty strange and I didn’t know what to do. I went and told Josh about it and he agreed to meeting her over Facetime in the morning so we could talk more about whatever is going on and come up with some sort of game plan. After that I took one of the boys to Sierra since he’d been asking me about needing some basic necessities. Another one asked if I could pick him up another package of socks. I went ahead and just bought him two so he could feel that abundance.

Ethan had a track meet in Kearney today. He was in the 800 and 4×400 and this was their first outdoor meet. I don’t get worked up about his times much I just let it all go. We paid to watch the webcast but it was hard to get a good view. Thankfully Laura had video recorded his split so she sent that to us and we all watched from my phone. The boys wanted to watch another race we had missed. So they pulled that up on Youtube. It was fun watching the races and just being a family.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever read the same way again. I can’t seem to get into books enough to finish them. I also definitely do not have the appetite like I did when I was homeschooling. Books were both the intellectual and social stimulation. The non-fiction fed my mind and the memoirs fed my soul. Books were how I survived and found joy. People would ask me where I found all the time to read and honestly it wasn’t that hard. I read a lot while the kids were playing and happy together.

There was a younger man in session today who got me thinking about favorite memories. I texted me oldest son when I came home and asked him what his favorite memory was of me and him when he was little. He said off the top of his head it was when the two of us went to a Cardinals playoffs game together. I then wondered what mine was. I told him off the top of my head it was anytime he was a baby and also the Cardinals playoff games. I then asked two of the other boys.

One said standing in the kitchen and helping me washing grapes. That was his chore. The other said having story time and snack time in the pillow corner. I think all of mine would’ve started with anytime you were a baby and then added on another thing, which man, to choose is hard to do. But for the grapes one the answer would be just being home with him. And for the story corner one it would be definitely the story times too. I didn’t ask the other, but we were texting indoor state times.

Today reached a high of over 90 degrees. It wasn’t humid so it did not feel that hot. Already though a front has blown through the area and dropped the temperature into the 50’s. I wasn’t home much today because UIS was having a conference for social workers and counselors. The Hope supervisor told me about it when we were talking one day in supervision. I left the house soon after the boys and made it to the campus before 8:30 so I could park and have a half hour to figure things out.

It was nice to have a table of people to sit with since there were a few other people from Hope there. I’d seen from the presentation list that one of my LCU professors was going to be there. I saw him once I’d sat down and we must’ve known each other around the same time. I pointed him out to my supervisor as he was standing up and walking over. He prefers not to hug women so I didn’t hug him. At that same time another woman from LCU came up and the three of us had a reunion.

It was so great to see them. As soon as we all went back to our tables another girl from LCU came over and said hi to me. This one I hugged as well as the other one. The UIS professors made such a big deal over how this must be such a grief, etc. I didn’t feel it at the time but I felt it then when I saw them. The only thing I never missed about Lincoln was the later night classes. I know it all worked out but in the moment I was sad and remembered how great these girls were and that I loved them.

I also saw my Thrive supervisor and the other teachers from UIS. The one I had last semester does give hugs and so I hugged him. I saw another girl who’d been a classmate at UIS so I sat with her for a while. Arya came over to say hello while we were in the lunch line. It was just kind of crazy how each of these classmates was from a different cohort and different era. I feel like I’m still reserved with the Hope people and getting to know them more. We went for a walk during the lunch break.

There was this weird part of me thinking look at me, I know all these people. And then there was a part who didn’t have capacity to engage with strangers. But for the most part it was just me happy to be there and being slightly disappointed or frustrated with some of the presentations.

I had a slower morning since I didn’t have any appointments until 11. Several weeks ago I’d blocked off the first two hours of my schedule today, I think still thinking I’d leave it open for group. This was the last week I had done that so I just kept it that way. It worked out because I was able to be home with my son while Josh had chapel in Altamont almost two hours away. He could’ve gone with but that would’ve been an very early morning. By the time I left he was almost home.

I had a new couple today and they seem like more of a harder one. I actually gave them my break time for next week because it would’ve been weeks before they could come back again otherwise. I felt they needed to come back asap, but I don’t want to be making a regular habit of that either where I am proactively pacing the day and then fill it in a moment of sympathy. One couple is taking a break now that planting season is about to start. Another was on their 3rd of 6 sessions.

That’s going to be the way it goes I think. God will work out all the timing for the various needs. After Hope I met Dad and the boys at Trinity for church. The mom’s group was serving a pasta dish with salad and cookies. We walked right past the salad dressing so went and sat down with just the lettuce on our plates. We figured we had missed it but didn’t both getting up to go hunt any down. We went to church after supper. It was good to be home and play another close chess game.

This morning the three of us walked down to the cabins. Last year the state inspector said the beds in the cabins were not up to the latest code. Every set of bunks must be at least 30 inches apart. At the time of his visit there wasn’t time to go into every cabin and try to change it, but this year he is wanting to see what has to be done to make it work. It essentially comes down to removing one bunk set in each cabin. There have been a few rants today about bureaucratic ridiculousness.

For lunch I heated up the potatoes, cabbage, and sausage from the night before. It’s very filling. For whatever reason I’ve had more of an appetite the past several days. We ate our lunch in the living room and watched a video of a chess game breakdown. I like watching the videos and it’s bringing back some old skills while also teaching me new ones. It isn’t something I’ll spend much time on but it’s been nice to refresh. Some things are not like riding a bike. You can lose skills without practice.

We went to Aldi to get groceries. He’d forgotten the list but between the three of us we all remembered what was on it. I asked my son if he ever feels self-conscious about being out and about during the day and not at school. He said he’s never thought that. I don’t remember which one it was who was worried about that once. There have been sweaters and jeans to wash from the pile on the floor. I’m trying to be better about keeping up my spaces but its hard to be consistent.

This evening I met with a friend to keep on working through the Unwanted book. She texted to say she’d be able to meet me at 5. It was 4:42 when she texted and for some reason I’d had it in my head that we were meeting tomorrow. So I had to tell her I’d be a few minutes late and hurry up and get out the door. It messed up our supper plan because I was going to make supper while Josh picked our son from practice. I was in the mood to cook and make a nice meal for everyone.

But it all worked out.