My mind is needing to detox from all of the work things. I had intentions on what to write about but was distracted by the boys out running after dark. One is now home and the other is still out there apparently running seven miles. I could feel the rage simmering under the surface but when he walked in and I saw him I suddenly softened, not that I would’ve let that part of me touch him. I said, in what I thought was a loving voice, “That’s not going to happen again”. The being out after dark.

But how to distract myself in the meantime. The state fair is happening now. Somehow they always manage to get fairly famous country singers. This year I think it’s Lainey Wilson and I already mentioned once they are having Matchbox 20. They are having a tribute band do a Fleetwood Mac tribute where one night they’re playing all Fleetwood Mac songs. I really don’t like the fair and do not really enjoy going. I also don’t understand wanting to take your kids to Disney World for vacation.

It’s just never appealed to me. If my aunt was still alive and still had her lifetime passes to Disney World, I would definitely take her up on her offer to share them at some point. But when we were down there I always wanted to be with my grandparents as much as possible. The other one is back now. There isn’t much else to say. I almost had an inkling earlier to start the planning for Thanksgiving. With this one I said, “Judah dear…” and something about keeping the running before dark.

I’ve been dreaming up ideas for when I have my own business someday. My product would be counseling, coaching, or therapy services at an affordable rate. I would not use insurance and therefore would not have to go through the lengthy and cumbersome credentialing process or keep and submit the records that are a part of that deal. It’s something I am able to get started on now, with the continuous working toward my hours, and the organizing and solidifying of all the ideas.

They say you have to have a niche if you’re going to be able to sustain a practice that is filled with only self-pay clients. To me the niche would be the affordable pricing combined with the wide variety of services offered. This would all have to be sorted out and described in a website. That’s another thing I can work on in the margins of my time, because you can do all of that without it ever being live and you don’t make it public until it’s ready. The somatic practitioner course came with an additional “master” level course that includes a whole business section that I am trying to take more seriously and not skip or rush through it.

I keep thinking about how I’ve done nothing to the schoolroom. I did buy some back-to-school window clings in Aldi when I browsed the random “stuff” isle. You have to do that too because not all your ideas can be internally generated. They have to come from somewhere else that either sparks or inspires it. I’ve been working on my schedule so I have more time to fit in school.

I finally had a better day at Hope after some discouraging weeks of cancellations, dud intakes, and overall frustrations of how my time was not being spent. It was good to feel productive again and to reconnect with some people who’d been out for summer travel. The mix of doing couples and individuals is the perfect fit for me. The longer I do couples the more I think I need to put together a handout of the top five things people need to learn and will learn no matter what from counseling.

So at the very least, if they can do these five things, things will generally go better. Most of them have to do with navigating conflict and repairing after arguments. One of them is the “do-over” which we learned from the intensive. The idea is you have a fight or tense interaction and one of the people takes the step to say something like, “I don’t like how that went and I am wondering if we can have a do-over. XYZ is not how I want to show up. Can we try this (conversation/interaction) again?”

Many people are reporting being tired and I am with them. I think it must be something with the midwestern air. I’ve been awake since 3:30 and am definitely ready to fall asleep. I would say I don’t remember grown-ups being this tired but I do. My grandma was resting. My mom was resting. I come home from work or the store and go to bed to recharge. School gets started late this year so we’re in that in-between time when camp is over and everyone is awkwardly not as busy as we all were before.

It’s amazing how much of a difference it makes downstairs with the new carpet. It doesn’t smell at all anymore. Between the new carpet smell and not having any litter boxes down there being used it just feels like a fresh and cleaner place. We thought we were going to have to kick certain cats outside but instead what we’ve done is just kept the upstairs door to the basement closed so the cats can’t go down there. It’s worked really well so far. I do feel slightly sorry for the displaced ones.

It’s really only one but she’s dealing. Yesterday was Ethan and Laura’s anniversary. I can’t hardly believe it’s been a year since that beautiful day. There really are days that live in your mind as perfect days and that is one of them. Often joy can be mixed with sorrow but on this particular day there was no sorrow, only joy. I felt a similar way on my own anniversary this year with any unhappiness being the farthest thing from my mind or even existent. I was at total peace.

I’ve felt a similar way with the baby’s due date approaching. Like the fears have evaporated and I am simply just waiting now. Eager but also still and quiet. Maybe that is one way being a grandparent is different from being a parent. I’m still waiting to get and build up more clients at the new place but I’m thankful for the ones I have been seeing and that steadiness, plus the new girl. I’ve been in the position of waiting before and know there are needed and valuable lessons to be learned there.

Something else that stood out during Bible class yesterday was when the pastor said something about how any time there is a blessing it is the opposite or undoing of a curse. He said that basically the ability to enjoy life at all is only because God’s blessings come through to overpower where the curse is. I took that to mean that people would be miserable all the time if it weren’t for the fact that God is merciful and wants to give goodness, peace, love, and happiness to human beings.

It changes your perspective to think the good thing is the abnormal thing. My memory is so bad these days and my sleepiness so great that I cannot remember the morning activities of today. In the afternoon Elianna and I went to the grocery store in the new van. We had a conversation about meal planning and how she doesn’t mind doing it and wants to do it. I just didn’t want her to feel like I am pawning off work that I would rather not do. That was something, we made a meal plan.

In the afternoon I worked on minor work things. By the later afternoon I fell asleep and did not wake up until it was time for supper. I do remember going for a walk and getting stopped by Tim not long after starting. Any time that happens it is at least a ten minute addition to your walk time. He did tell me though that he saw the kitten and the mom cat on Friday. While we all were sitting in the living room this evening we saw another different cat by the yard fence. He was white and grey.

Today we went to church in the morning. They’ve switched back the service times to 8AM and 10:30. I can’t believe I’m one of those people who actually prefers it the split way. This way there is a choice on what the good thing you’re choosing is. You can sleep in and go for Bible class and church, or you can go early for church and Bible class and then also get out early with a little bit left of your morning. Today we chose the sleep in route mostly for the boys but we appreciated the sleep time.

Bible class had some interesting insights that I haven’t gone back to take a look at. We were in the Genesis chapters where Jacob tricks his father to obtain the blessing. The pastor was talking about how Isaac was basically clueless, not just physically blind but also spiritually blind. He also mentioned how one of the points was that Isaac and Esau were both ruled by their stomachs which I had never heard anyone say before. He mentioned how all of Isaac’s senses failed or betrayed him.

He said how that basically being ruled by his stomach and being overtaken by his passions had made him unable to discern reality. I get what he was saying but I’d never heard anyone say that before so it made me wonder if he wasn’t reading too much into it. But anyway after church we came back and made lunch using leftover and whatever we could find in the fridge. I told everybody I would go grocery shopping tomorrow, and straighten the living room, and those Monday things.

Josh and I went to the beach in the afternoon. This is the first anniversary in several years where there hasn’t been a ton of things going on. So we just enjoyed the day and hung out together. It was a perfect beach day again where there is a slight breeze and warm enough weather. We were out on the swimming dock and I asked him what he thought the worst part about marriage had been. He said probably our communication problems. That was basically my answer too in different words.

Then I asked him what the best part was and he said probably having kids and making them. That was basically my answer too, keeping in mind that this was specific to us and that other marriages might have different answers. The two of us went to Chili’s for supper while the kids stayed home and had something we’d bought them from County Market. It was a really nice day and I genuinely felt happy for the occasion and 23 years knowing this whole time we really truly did love each other.

I told the boys we’re entering a new era and we’re going to have a clean car now. It was more of a declaration than it was a direct order. We went back to the car place this afternoon and paid the money to buy this van. I had tightness in my chest for much of the day and wrote these emotional texts to my son about the history of our car purchases and how much of a huge blessing it was to have Papa giving us cars through the years. I was passing things along as he was also starting out.

The tightness passed when it was all said and done. I’ve been tempted to jog just to see if I could sustain it for any longer length of time. The boys completed their 1000 mile challenge today that they’d made up for themselves. This was the summer to do it as there will likely not be another summer where enough of them are running enough to make those kind of miles. It was wear and tear on my nerves but I am glad we stuck it out.

Josh took the kids to see The Odyssey this afternoon before the car trip. I stayed home to clean our room and made decent progress. I was distracted by the journals on my dresser that I had purposely set out so I would read them more often. They are the ones Josh wrote to me when he was in Seward and we were apart. Something about them makes me feel light and happy. Luckily I also remembered to drive in and pick up the keys for our car in the shop and to play with Zorro.

I feel like I have so much more I want to write but it’s stuck in my heart somewhere. I just keep giving these nonsense reports about kittens and we did see three baby deer on our walk this evening. I have not seen the kitten or the mom cat since the night when John and I were down at camp. I was walking around with Zorro feeling like my heart felt raw and thinking this can’t be what it feels like to keep on living like your heart is just out there.

We ordered takeout for dinner. We took a trip with the boys into town to pick up the food and bring it back. We were eating quietly for a moment and one of the boys commented on it being weird that it is just us again. Elianna was at a wedding with Miles. It technically wasn’t part of our diet but we are allowing ourselves some cheat days which I don’t want to do anymore, at least not with the takeout or Blizzards. It still just seems like there’s not enough time in a day to get everything done.

Somehow in the conversation of today it came up that one of our vehicles needed over $3,000 worth of repairs. It’s getting to that point where you wonder if it’s worth the money or is it better to be looking for a different vehicle. Two of our vehicles are currently having this issue. I suddenly was wondering how we somehow have gone almost 23 years of marriage with probably less than a year of car payments that whole time to now having to potentially take on two payments for new cars.

Different ones, not new. So we decided to take a drive to one of the dealers north of here and look at vans. Look was the key word. Long story short I thought I was making myself clear with the saleswoman that we were not here to purchase a car today, that we were at least going to sleep on it. And somehow still she was asking what price they could come down to that would lock in a purchase before we left. Josh was even looking at me like he’d be fine with us buying it now.

I don’t know how that works, where it’s “always” the opposite. So we didn’t get the van but I have been thinking about it for most of the rest of the day. It has just over 100,000 miles on it and was much more comfortably within our price range, and still was nice and in good condition. Even if we can get something to last us the rest of the school years, and something more reliable and still comfortable for longer car rides. I did really like it and especially liked the price compared to others.

The rest of the day was kind of a blur. It was one of those out of my routine/what day is it kind of days. I kept thinking it was Saturday. Ethan and Laura checked in and said they finished a 1000 piece puzzle they’d been working on for several days. I have a plan to pack a labor bag as well so that if there does come a time when there’s a call about a baby coming then that is already done and I won’t have to worry about finding clean clothes or thinking through it. I’ll feel better at least.

Tonight we drove into Springfield for Dairy Queen blizzards. We’ve been doing our little staycation things here and there.

Today I’m just exhausted from I don’t know what. It was a good day at Hope through and I felt like every session was meaningful and fulfilling. Yesterday I was kind of in a bad mood about everything once I got home. I was feeling really used and forgotten and just plain mad about specific things there. Today was not like that at all. It brings me back into balance to remember that God has put me there and allowed me to be there after wanting and hoping that this place would work out.

Dad and the kids went to see Spiderman in the theater. When I got home dinner was literally on the table and everyone was sitting down. Elianna had made a meal plan and gone to the store. She did the meal plans for the kitchen this summer so she has been used to it. She plans to move back to my mother in law’s house at some point despite my wishes that she would stay here. I think she and Zorro are happier here and have more to do. But I know it isn’t up to me and she has her wishes too.

Josh and the high school boys left shortly after supper to attend an evening fall sports meeting. They’d had a dietician there telling the importance of good nutrition for athletes. He also came home and said that one of the girls in of the boys’ class was pregnant. It was a whole big mess with the family and I felt frustrated that our human sexuality has to cause people so many problems. All in all though it was a good day and Elianna and the littlest and I went for a walk to the pine forest.

Last night I had a dream that I had started my time of the month and was bleeding through my clothes. I could feel it coming and leaking through and I was trying to find a bathroom so I could manage and contain everything and then figure out what I was supposed to do. The only other dream was of me in the Thrive office seeing my supervisor walking back and forth in his work clothes. I was trying to talk to him or get to him somehow but the dream was not allowing it.

This morning was a time to get back to work day at Hope. I need updated liability insurance and I filled out a PTO request form for Friday. I had taken the day off back when we scheduled to drive back with Ethan and Laura’s stuff, just to balance things out. Josh took the week off to have a recovery week after camp. We counted Monday as our overnight for the month but we still want to figure out something since our anniversary is coming up. This year is 23 years which I am happy for.

Tonight we walked an intentional mile. We’re supposed to start this modified whole 30 in August but we pushed it back until camp was over and we were done with the early month traveling. While we were in Seward I made reservations for two weekends in September. One was the potential baby baptism weekend and the other was the next weekend for a cross country meet in Lincoln.