The boys were off school this morning for election day. It was nice for everyone to wake up and not have to focus on getting out the door. Somehow we started talking about how we needed to take another vacation to Florida. I told my cousin after the wedding that I needed to come down there and see what this Disney thing was all about. My aunt loved Disney and all of them love Disney. Every time we’ve gone down there they ask us about going but we have always declined.

So we told Dad our idea and before we knew it he was marking it in his calendar. We were talking about going in February or March before track season and he said it would have to be on a week when he didn’t have a chapel visit scheduled. I said that it’s early enough beforehand that he could still reschedule or cancel it. But thankfully during the boys spring break in March there weren’t any chapel visits scheduled. I told Elianna that we’d have to figure out something to do with Zorro.

I made the boys their sectionals video tonight. I’ve gotten lazier with the video making and sometimes things are out of order or the song and the pictures do not perfectly line up at the end. But it is what it is and hopefully they still appreciate them. The conversations have already switched over to track already so quickly. Josh made a really great supper–I love when he cooks. It was like every other day of trying to savor the moments and never quite feeling like you’re catching them all.

I’m looking forward to feeling like I have breathing room again. I know I have to sound like such a wimp to so much of the world, but this working schedule just…isn’t for me. I’ve lived too much life to be able to handle those requirements. Two and a half days would be my ideal. But who really cares what my ideal would be or what does that even matter? I’m starting to get that feeling like what I say does not hold all that much weight anymore because what I say so often or eventually changes.

There’s nothing to write about.

It’s November now. The sky has that November look. Josh said he had at least three reels in his Instagram feed saying that if your wife decides it’s time to put up the Christmas decorations, just to let her do it. He said he felt some camaraderie. I’m tired of my Instagram feed and hardly read that stuff anymore. My sister is back from her honeymoon and flew into Chicago today. Elianna drove out to Nebraska to spend the week there. She watched Lila several times today and did some dishes.

We feebly struggle, They in glory shine…

If my brain felt this good all the time it’d be great. Dad called while I was out on a walk to see how things were going since we hadn’t talked much at the wedding. I told him I’d call him back since I was walking with a church friend. He called back ten minutes later to say he and mom were heading into Litchfield to run errands but that he’d be back after that. We played phone tag a few more times. The next two times he called I was in full on focus mode working on old treatment plans and notes.

But we eventually talked. I’d been…mad isn’t the right word…but I’d been eventually worn down into leaving the rehearsal dinner after-party and going to bed after standing and listening to him talk for quite a while about all of the different things going on in his mind. I picked up a few more artificial rose petals from the tables and called it a night. Back on the phone he wanted to hear about how my counseling job was going but first I did want to hear about the wedding more and their versions.

Dad had danced with my sister, which according to my other sisters, was the first time he’d ever done that at a daughter’s wedding. We didn’t even have a daddy/daughter dance or mother/son dance at ours. I had figured my dad was more comfortable talking and so gave him the job of giving a speech which he did at this most recent wedding too. I pulled out my phone and recorded the speech and then later recorded the dance with him and my sister. Something told me to record it.

It was a very emotional time because I realized what I was watching was my dad facing his long-standing fears and creating this beautiful moment with my sister. Apparently the reason he’d never danced before was because he was petrified of going out there. He had two left feet, he was too clumsy, he didn’t know how to dance, all the reasons. But he ended up doing amazing and they even did spinning moves throughout the poignant and lovely Cinderella song by Steven Curtis Chapman.

We were 45 minutes into the conversation when my dad interrupted my mom’s turn of the versions to say that he did really want to hear how work was going. I told him that just today I’d written a letter a resignation for the Christian counseling place. I gave him several of my reasons. It surprises me how quickly my words can turn into a heated rant when given the chance. After that I sent them pictures of the kitten and my dad said to welcome him and I had that mild thought “I know, Dad”.

The boys had their sectional race in Elmwood this morning. I was the early driver this time and we left around 7:30 so they could be there by 9:15. Earlier in the morning Ethan had texted me around 3:30 to say that he was on his way. He decided last weekend that he wanted to try to come and surprise the boys for their race. I don’t think he’s actually ever seen one in person before today.

He arrived before the rest of the family did. So we met up in the middle of a the field and walked over to the tent. It took the boys about ten minutes to notice because they were focused on their spikes. But they were surprised and happy he was there. He was going to drive back after the race but Laura told him he should just stay overnight with everybody and then go back in the morning.

Dad and everyone else arrived about fifteen minutes before 11. The team finished 10th which is what they were ranked going into the meet. In order to make state they needed to be top six so they didn’t make state but I think they were okay. The bigger thing was making sectionals and doing so as a team. The boys did well and had their second and third best times. No one tried to beat the other.

So they were six seconds apart. The race was kind of a blur because although there are some good spectator spots, to get a good variety of views you have to sprint across the golf course. I had been really nervous beforehand which is pretty typical. My older son was reading in the Bible the part about the death of Samson. I assume he was asking God to give him strength for one last race.

But I didn’t ask him. After the race we went to Avanti’s in Peoria and had a sit down lunch with Grandma also. Laura had dressed up Lila in a fun purple ballerina costume that one of the camp friends had given her. We came home and I took a long nap and woke up after it was dark. So that was nice to have the kids together and for the boys to have gotten this bonus race in the postseason.

I am always so tired at the end of the week which is one of those things I am hoping can change. I continue to meet some very sweet people including this younger man who is wanting to not play video games for the entire day. These are the kinds of things I am wanting to help people with. I’m meant to have relationships with people and be able to work with them for a while. I told my one Thrive girl who came to Hope that I’m moving again. Thankfully she’s very accepting of everything.

Correction: I’m not going to talk about this anymore.

Thanksgiving is coming up and people are talking to me about details. Since my sister had her wedding I considered cancelling it this year. I’m still not quite ready to begin to think that far ahead. For the wedding my brother’s friend volunteered to board all the family dogs. He’s the one who helped with Zorro who is continuing to do well. The boys run in sectionals tomorrow which is wearing me out. A couple of years ago I couldn’t walk very long or far and had to stay in the car a lot.

(meant to type Discovery but I liked it better this way)

The kitten has been hanging around the house a lot more. Yesterday it was staying around the front and today it has been exploring the back. The other cats don’t like it but they are going to have to adjust and learn to accept this. It amazes me that they can feel such dislike and distrust over a kitten. I would like to name him Lucky but the boys were not fully onboard. He has a spot on his nose that looks like a clover. He does not let us get close enough to pick him up but hopefully soon.

This afternoon I had another teenage girl which so far has been an interesting and enjoyable demographic. She was so nervous or traumatized that she did not talk more than a few words for an entire 30 minutes. So we were back on the floor again and she was very excited to do that. I need to keep taking these opportunities to practice and these kinds of more somatic interventions because this is an area where I want to be better. I am truly hoping to have more time to research and read.

Maybe someday I will have more words to make sense of the learning process that this past year working has been. But right now I’m just glad that part is over.

I talked to my supervisor about leaving Hope. I feel relieved and kind of excited about it. This really isn’t anything against them. I’m seeing this more as a consolidation. If I’m dreaming really big I see it as a way of also freeing up time to be able to watch Lila if she ever moves back here. Ethan has gotten an email from the Lutheran High principal as well as an inquiry from one of the local Lutheran grade schools. Over the winter as things are building I could keep cleaning the house.

So if I’m leaving at the end of the year I need to get him a resignation letter and start to make a transition plan. The only thing he asked is that I did try to direct at least some clients back to in-house counselors. So now I have to deal with telling everyone else but that will have to come with time. This was one of my later work evenings so I did not go to discipleship tonight but did get to FaceTime with Lila. She slept for almost eight hours last night and is doing well so far at school.

They have eight different people helping to watch her during Laura’s different classes. They take turns sitting with her or pushing her in the stroller. So far she hasn’t had to use her bottle. We’ve heard from my sister a few times who is down in Cancun for her honeymoon. We had to start a whole separate chat without her so that we could keep talking without bothering her. The trees are not as bright this year but they’re still pretty and turning colors and that’s all that really matters.

Today I saw two teenage girls at my other job. I have really been itching to talk to my supervisor and tell him that I am officially wanting to leave Hope. More flexibility. More money. More time for me to have with people who I care about. One of the girls I see always hates being there at first. I have had to get past my stubbornness to not want to play games and the idea that therapy is a waste if we are not somehow actively doing something more therapy-like. There a lot of kids who need help.

She tells me I need to get fidgets and squishies. I still have so many ideas for an office. It’s the equivalent of setting up a classroom. You know where things are and everything has an intended purpose and use. Both of the girls like being on the floor which is a welcome change from the constant adult sitting. Everybody needs to be moving more, but baby steps.

I’m really trying to foster contentment and not be moving around like this all the time. It’s like the stone needs to be rolled back in front of the mind cave so that there is no way to get back in. The mind cave is where I went because it was just easier to die in there. But now I like leaning against the stone instead of needing to go all the way in. I can still rest there, but without anything to fall into, and the sun is still there and the hard ground which I like because it’s solid and holds me up.

With every family event like this, life becomes a little more real. It’s amazing how God constructs a life and a heart so that they can be satisfied. It doesn’t take much and yet the abundance is everywhere.

We arrived home sometime around and before 8pm. After hotel checkout we drove over toward Rockford where my sister’s son was having a birthday party at an outdoor park place. It was a nice time and again the weather was comfortable and beautiful for a late October day. We played a round of mini-golf which was a nice recovery activity after a long and busy day the day before. We took turns riding on the go-karts which was also very fun. We had pizza again on the way home.

The wedding was just one of those things where there was just too much there to even begin to write about it. We were soaking in the moments and enjoying the people and surroundings. My sister’s now husband comes from a wealthier family and they were in charge of putting on the reception. There are such things as fancy receptions. Now all of a sudden I’m regretting that I did not do more to help my daughter get ready. I didn’t even care myself. I just put my dress on, tried to shape my eyebrows just a tad, brushed my cheeks and that was it. It just wasn’t a big deal.

We were not the main people. Like, just because people have natural beauty doesn’t mean it’s not still fun or good to try to make that beauty stand out, not even for the sake of other people seeing or noticing, but just to be true to who you most are. But anyway the wedding was truly beautiful and the reception very fun and just a lovely time. It seems like the more life you live the more time you want for the things in life that truly matter, like spending time with the people you care about.