Today was not a great day. The boys had a meet in Pittsfield and both of them were sick. One is on the tail end getting over it and the other was in the early part just beginning. Viruses are terrible and will drain every ounce of your energy to where it doesn’t even have to be all that much energy expenditure and you’re wiped.

So that’s the kind of race one of them had. Pittsfield was the place where I felt in love with cross country but even with that I wasn’t feeling it. I took my videos to hopefully compile. I took a few pictures of the atmosphere to use as well. I walked around to my standard places and avoided the tent area until the one no longer looked like a ghost.

People ate their picnic food. I eventually went back to the car because I also was drained and needed to sit down away from people. The medals had been sent to the wrong place so after a while of waiting for the medal ceremony everyone was told to go home. The boys got their medals though, so that made me happy.

Thank the Lord for fall weather that feels like refreshment. We underestimate the positive effects of four season climates where predictability and change keep our stagnant selves from becoming too unimpressed with our surroundings. Another day of sitting down, as is my habit, and typing something here that feels so bland and insignificant but still continues to keep me anchored in a place of wonder and thankfulness.

“Have I ever told you that I don’t like your driving, Mom?”, my son said to me on the way to shop for a suit. He hadn’t ever told me this, and I wanted to know what about it he didn’t like. “Are you sure you’re ready for this? All my critiques?”, he asked. Even the way he said it made me love him more for his sensitivity and openness. “Yeah”, I said, cautiously proceeding with open ears. I’m tailing this van ahead of us. I don’t use my turn signals (??) I drive too close to the shoulder, I brake too last minute.

I feel like I can never relax when you’re driving. I think he sensed that he had reached the heart point of feeling some pain, because then he said, “Well, anyway…”, and that was the end of that part of the conversation. I was grateful he had told me. The not breaking soon enough had always been an issue. The others I wouldn’t say I was aware of. I pulled into the turn lane to be ready to turn right onto the road toward Kohls.

“See?”, he told me, “you didn’t use your turn signal there.” But I had a perfectly reasonable reason. I merged into the turn lane as soon as the lane opened up to the right. There would be no one behind me to signal to, and we moved on. And I could not resist this unjust accusation with the reminder that the one who does not use turn signals is dad.

How he tries to switch lanes and gets mad at the people who are not getting over. You have to use your turn signal, I’ve told him. To communicate with the drivers your intentions to move. “Really??”, my son said, “I’ve never seen him do that”. It’s his one driving flaw, I said just to clarify, and we moved on. On the way home from shopping I was messing with my phone and looked up just in time to see a man on the shoulder who I, Lord, have great mercy, did not hit and kill.

We left Nebraska after church. I’ve been blessed enough to see Lila three times in almost three weeks, and according to our schedule now, it’s going to be at least another three weeks before I get to see her. I really hope they move back close so I can help to take care of her. I can’t imagine how these families do it where they are multiple states away from their grandparents or parents. I would watch Lila every day and raise my children all over again. I’m making wild and outrageous claims.

So I’m supposed to go back to normal life now knowing this person is in my heart. The equilibrium of my life has been irreversibly altered and I do not imagine this a bad thing. If I could speak any more boldly, it would be to say that this motherhood endeavor has made me forever unselfish. If I had stayed out I was, what an absolute pity that would’ve been. But I was given the gift of being turned inside out.

Deep breaths…So we left Nebraska after church and made it home a little before 7. We stopped by Hannibal again and walked around campus for a little bit with Miles. I stayed behind them more so that I wouldn’t be intruding. Dad and the boys were ordering pizza and saved me two pieces for when we were home. Josh had been up in the early morning and written me a letter which was nice. To think how we could’ve missed out on all of this, and yet how we didn’t. I would not redo anything.

Today was a good day. Elianna and I woke up and went to breakfast and eventually went out into the streets to exercise. It felt good to have that feel good feeling. After that we met Laura at the apartment where Ethan was getting ready to go to a get together at one of his teammates apartments. Since they didn’t have a meet they had decided to get together with several teammates and make pancakes. Elianna and I got to work on the meal prepping while Laura folded clothes.

It was a nice time of hanging out while also being productive. Eventually we got to a stopping point where Lila was pretty settled and we could pause with the food making. We took Lila out for another outing and got lunch, browsed two town square stores, and then went back to Walmart after the girls had been inspired to make Ethan an ice cream cake to celebrate his birthday early. I had already brought him a card to put money in.

Lila slept the whole time. I forgot to mention that the pump goal was accomplished and Laura tried it out that morning and I got to give her first bottle, which she took. She peed through her carseat so we took that apart to wash that. I remembered that I usually put some kind of cloth diaper in the seat to absorb those sorts of things. Ethan was at work for a little while before he came back home. We had a really nice evening of visiting and having supper and ice cream cake. It was a tiring day.

My daughter told me that when we were with Miles and Graham it was like I just clicked and went back in time twenty years to become college kid like the rest of them. I had felt that myself in the moment, like these are just my friends and I’m talking to them like I would any other friend or person. I told her I was just being myself. It’s easier when we are all the same ages and place range. I feel the same way sometimes with Elianna and Laura, like these are just my girlfriends for a day.

And one of your friends has a baby so we are all playing house. We went to Walmart for Lila’s first grocery trip today. For all the times I have buckled a baby into a carseat, there was still that sense of “I better let mom have a look at this”, in the way that mom has the bond that is wired for protection and looking for threats. With what for me would’ve been “good enough”, there were position and strap adjustments that needed to be made. It doesn’t take long and they are growing out of it.

So at some point before I had to try, to push my mind back into things and switched back over to grandma. Grandmas are supposed to be homey and aged and grown up. So my mind formulated a menu and list of meals to prepare and leave with them for the rest of the week. Grandmas also buy things and help support their less financially established children. I reminded Laura, “I am a mom. I have to do this” and paid the money to restock the gatorade mix, detergents, diapers, eggs, etc…