This morning the three of us walked down to the cabins. Last year the state inspector said the beds in the cabins were not up to the latest code. Every set of bunks must be at least 30 inches apart. At the time of his visit there wasn’t time to go into every cabin and try to change it, but this year he is wanting to see what has to be done to make it work. It essentially comes down to removing one bunk set in each cabin. There have been a few rants today about bureaucratic ridiculousness.

For lunch I heated up the potatoes, cabbage, and sausage from the night before. It’s very filling. For whatever reason I’ve had more of an appetite the past several days. We ate our lunch in the living room and watched a video of a chess game breakdown. I like watching the videos and it’s bringing back some old skills while also teaching me new ones. It isn’t something I’ll spend much time on but it’s been nice to refresh. Some things are not like riding a bike. You can lose skills without practice.

We went to Aldi to get groceries. He’d forgotten the list but between the three of us we all remembered what was on it. I asked my son if he ever feels self-conscious about being out and about during the day and not at school. He said he’s never thought that. I don’t remember which one it was who was worried about that once. There have been sweaters and jeans to wash from the pile on the floor. I’m trying to be better about keeping up my spaces but its hard to be consistent.

This evening I met with a friend to keep on working through the Unwanted book. She texted to say she’d be able to meet me at 5. It was 4:42 when she texted and for some reason I’d had it in my head that we were meeting tomorrow. So I had to tell her I’d be a few minutes late and hurry up and get out the door. It messed up our supper plan because I was going to make supper while Josh picked our son from practice. I was in the mood to cook and make a nice meal for everyone.

But it all worked out.

This morning I texted my nursing boss and told her I needed to put in my two weeks notice. I told myself I needed to do it by noon so around 11:15 I finally did it. We exchanged a few words and that was it. I actually am not even wanting to think or talk about it. It was one of those things where you had to just rip off the bandaid.

My son has been playing more chess these days. So we played several games when he was finished with school. I used to be good at chess and could legitimately beat my dad. But any more I usually lose except I did win once this morning. I folded laundry and signed a few checks and I don’t even remember what else I got done.

When I was considering what to do, it did make me feel better to remember that this will free up more time to work at camp. There’s always something to be done and I can do it with my family close and around. I think I’m going to like it better this way and am looking forward to not having to worry about leaving them anymore.

This morning we went to church. After that we went to Bible class. I look forward to the donuts they have because they have my favorite kind. For decades I simply skipped the donuts and it wasn’t much of a sacrifice. They just seemed like empty calories for not much of any positive gain. But with the ones I like I feel like they are worth the enjoyment and they do deliver in terms of the lead-up. All the boys go to the high school class which has the two pastors kids and one other track teammate.

The pastor took a break from Genesis to do a series on church governance. There are some changes he is wanting to make in how the church does things. All we did this time was go through prooftexts (his words) of Bible passages supporting the point he wants to make about servant leadership and what it means to be a leader. He then had three verses showing how the word elders (plural) shows up multiple times with the word church (singular). He wants to equip more people to be leaders.

Servant leadership will practically feel like servant service. He sometimes used the word slavery but I thought that was a little extreme. Josh and I really like this pastor. He is humble and seems like he truly wants to do things and lead people into being more of a body. He proposed combining the two Sunday services into one on any month where we had a fifth Sunday. I think it went better than he could’ve ever imagined when a lady raised her hand and proposed we combine them for summer.

Before she said that (it wasn’t me), she said she was going to throw out a grenade and then back up. It’s funny and I understand the joke, but it’s also kind of sad that we need to be so careful in bringing up things that make complete and total practical sense on multiple levels. People seemed to like the idea so that will give the elders some more things to talk about. When class was over we drove home and let Zorro out since he was staying with us. Elianna was gone on a day visit to see a friend.

Dad had to help with Bible Bowl at camp a little later in the afternoon. There were seven teams this year which I thought was a good turnout. He texted me that one of the pastor’s wives from our old circuit was there. I told him I’d be down there and literally got out of bed and skipped my nap to go see her. We figured out we’ve known each other for almost 20 years. I couldn’t believe it’d been that long. Later we all went out to County Market for ice cream since it was the last night of spring break.

We woke up a little before seven in the downtown Inn. The camp gave us $3,000 to go on vacation so we decided instead to split it up into overnight dates. That way we could spread the money out instead of using it in one place. Once a month is probably too much but maybe every couple of months we can go somewhere. The kids stayed with Grandma and we met some traveling friends for supper in Athens. We hadn’t seen them in several years and spent three hours catching up.

So that was great. We decided to go to breakfast early to give us more time to get ready. After packing up and dropping off keys we left for Grandma’s house to pick up the boys by 10:30. There was an indoor meet in Mt. Zion today and the 4×4 team was trying to qualify for state. As I have said before I have fully embraced the groupie lifestyle. We dropped off our son at the school and had some time to spend with the younger boys walking around a beautiful park with trails and a pond.

They didn’t qualify but were able to shave off three seconds from any of the indoor times they have had this year. When they were done we drove back and talked about track and the races. My son wanted Culvers so we stopped there once we were back in town. He asked if anyone wanted to come in with him so I went inside since no one else volunteered. He looked at me and smiled and said, “So you ready for outdoor?” and I said yes. I enjoy going around to the meets. They are fun.

The social media beauty industry has gone completely insane. The latest trend in my algorithm is for there to be a reel that starts with a picture of a celebrity woman nowadays. Over the picture are the words, “Mom, tell me what you were like in the 90’s”. From there the song Iris by GooGoo Dolls starts playing, and syncing up with the beat of the song come flashes of pictures of the woman 30 years younger. Cute ones, casual ones, sexy ones, you name it. I’ve seen it countless times now.

First of all, kids don’t ask those kinds of questions. The kids nowadays do not even realize the 90’s existed. Their sense of time does not acknowledge that decade and their sense of their parents lives does not really seem to include the fact that they were anything other than parents. I don’t mean this facetiously. In terms of wondering about when they were young, it’s more likely to ask your grandparents those kinds of questions because there is more of a contrast with young and old.

Well so anyway. And then you’ve got the endless filtered faces with Botox, fillers, red light therapy, and everyone saying how they do or do not do these things. Honestly anymore, in the current moment, I am fine with the lines on my face and the way things are moving and drifting in that area. What else is it supposed to do?? I am grateful for the years of physical beauty that God gave me, but like Bible says, beauty is fleeting. Why do I want to spend that much time on a false presentation?

I hope that doesn’t sound self-righteous. I’m not saying there aren’t things you have to process along the way. Beautiful women come and go. Someone else can have their turn and in the meantime this doesn’t have to be an all-consuming thing. Pluck the chin hairs, embrace the grays, do whatever you need to do. Don’t brush your hair or comb it out if you want to. I actually found a great shampoo lately called “Love Beauty and Planet” in the Murumuru Butter & Rose scent.

You can wash your hair one day and the next day it still feels light and freshly washed. I don’t know how the people on Survivor ever made it with not being able to wash their hair throughout the show. There had to be some way they were allowed to keep up with it. But it really annoys me when this is such an obsession. Honestly I don’t care what people looked like in the 90’s. In the 90’s I was dreaming about being a mom someday and buying Jane foundation at Walmart. It was all a season.

Yesterday I texted Josh from work and told him I didn’t think I was going to go to church that evening. “Too tired?”, he asked, and I said yes. I could just tell from the way I was feeling that I was going to need to stay home. The day had been a little rougher though nothing out of the ordinary. There’s a couple who is so massively triggered by the other that it’s difficult to get words in or to slow it down enough to do some therapy. I asked them if we could meet individually the next time.

So I’ll see her by herself first and then I’m going to see him. I have an idea of what each person needs to work on. Not all the couples are like this. Many of them are very pleasant. This particular couple I like too. It does feel easier and less pressured once I’ve spent a few times with them and get a feel for what they’re looking for. I know marriage is work but I think once you’ve worked on and worked through a few things there isn’t as much work as there used to be. It can get and be easier.

I came home and they left. I went for a walk around camp to get movement. I had been rushed in the morning due to poor clock watching on my part so I did not have a solid breakfast or something more substantial for lunch. So I stood at the fridge and at turkey and cheese with crackers until I felt I’d had enough. I don’t know how I ended up there but eventually I was on the floor in the guest room having one of the strongest shaking episodes I have had in a long time. It went on for awhile.

I kept saying, “I release_____, I release ______….” and on the names went down the lineup for the day. Like I was needing to clear it all out of my body. More names kept coming and I kept saying the names and repeating “I release _________” until it finally all stopped. I cried and grabbed the carpet with my nails. I’d been on my stomach but now was more on the side. It was all pretty awful to be honest but I knew also that was what was needing to be done. I had to renounce my working flesh.

Today was a better day. I was at Thrive in the morning and stayed in bed in the afternoon. Dad and the boys were at the March for Life downtown. There’s no way I would’ve wanted to go but I was happy for them to be getting that chance. It was such a nice day that I finally made it outside. I didn’t have any shaking today so that was nice. Everything felt tired but calm and peaceful. I came inside and made supper but had an upset stomach so didn’t eat. After that I went back to bed with water.

I think there are times in life when God gives us special graces. When I say graces I mean special powers or abilities to do something that you otherwise without him would not have been able to do. I think it was a special grace God gave me during the years I was homeschooling all of our kids. Not only for the opportunity to do it, but the ability and stamina to actually do it, to be with my kids all day everyday and oversee the subjects and learning for each of them.

It was absolute bliss in my memory. But every so often I peruse an old journal and remember that in fact it was not always so blissful. I had my moments and I’m sure they did too. But then at some point he takes away the power, and the grace is removed, stored away for another time when he will then give it back in new form for the next life’s purpose. I think being home with my kids when they were young was another grace. It was an earlier version of the coming one.

The list could go on and on but those are the big ones. He gives us grace to withstand trials or ongoing struggles, as well as grace to no longer have to talk about the former things. Sometimes the trial itself is the grace. However it presents it’s always tied to God’s hand. You think your dreams have come true, your wish has been granted and then somehow there’s more. In his mercy comes more.

I deleted Instagram and Substack from my phone at the beginning of Lent (I put Instagram back on). I can’t really say I’ve noticed a difference in my mind. Some people notice drastic changes when they come off social media. The biggest thing I use my phone for, I think, is texting, Apple Music, and looking up words. There’s a guy on Instagram who truly annoys me because I feel like he’s trying to be Jordan Peterson. The difference is that he (name??) says a lot but doesn’t actually say anything.

Like he is trying to be insightful but when he explains things it’s just, ug. Anyway…But there is the deep work that happens when you do give yourself the time to focus, which is what I did today with my class. I decided that I would like to have an elephant in my office as a stuffed animal that people can hug and look at and talk about. I was thinking that elephants were associated in some way with intelligence but when I looked it up it was actually more like memory, compassion, and empathy.

So that seemed appropriate. I want one of the big ones where you can actually hold it and feel it next to you. The kids are on spring break so the boys had a good day sleeping in and playing chess. Dad and I went to the grocery store and restocked for the week. This weather with the snow seemed a little out of place now that warm days have been here but there it was. I think people would like the elephant thing and it would almost be like having a pet in the room. Oli would be a cute name.

Something brought me comfort today regarding not learning the constellations. I was imagining a conversation with Jesus after he had remade the world. At first I thought that I would maybe not even remember that there were stars in the first world. That did give me a little bit of comfort because it is the sight of the stars today that makes me miss them and wish I knew them.

But then I thought too that I could ask Jesus to tell me about them. I could say, “Jesus, I did not have time to learn the constellations of the northern hemisphere like I would’ve loved to. Either I wasted the time I did have, or I got involved with other things”, or now I’m starting to notice that I cannot even see the stars in the same way that I could before. The letters, the stars, the faraway things.

To be honest I don’t know what Jesus would say to me. It wasn’t so much what he said that gave me comfort. It was the fact that I could talk to him later about it if I wanted to, and that by then the chance would likely be that I might not even remember them. It did not make me sad because by then there would be something so much better, and just as delightful with even more “time”.

He could teach me later.

Camp had a workday and pancake lunch. Dad and the boys left to be down there by 8. Laura and Elianna were at Hae’s meeting for coffee before they returned to be back by 9 to start cooking. Laura brought me back two peanut butter balls after asking if there was anything I wanted. The day before, the three of us had met Meijer so we could walk around the store. It had been recently updated and seemed like a mix between Target and Walmart. Easier on the nerves than Walmart.

And still significantly cheaper than Target. I don’t know. I’ve always considered myself more of a boy mom, but I am trying to be better. I stayed at the house in my pajamas and coffee. There were things to be done. I started laundry, worked on my class, folded laundry, did a few dishes, and washed the counters. Before work I’d assembled supper so it was ready on the stove to be placed into the oven. The three older boys came home around 10 to get ready to leave for the track meet.

Ethan drove them and they were gone for most of the day. Laura left after the pancakes were over and spend the evening with her mom. I left for work around 2:35 ready to walk in and tell the nurse who always works before me that I was quitting. But then we started talking and by the end of report I wasn’t sure again. It is going to happen sometime, I just don’t know when. Thankfully the night went smoothly and I came home to everyone in bed except Dad who was waiting up for me.