I saw the new for the first time in board daylight. We were walking to the dining hall and Josh nodded in her direction and said, “There’s your cat.” She was sitting on the edge of the woods watching people at main camp. I knew it was too early but I tried anyway to get closer to her. She ran away into the woods. I have not seen the kitten but one of the boys said he saw the mom and the kitten on the beach trail heading down from the retreat center. The mom could be a kitten.

This evening I went to a coed book club at a church member’s house. They study a C.S. Lewis book every other Thursday. I’ve been wanting to go to this and give it a chance but it falls on one of my longer work days and hasn’t worked out. I arrived ten minutes early only to be slightly shocked and partly horrified to find out that the first half hour from 7-7:30 is dedicated to casual conversation. I sat there thinking of all the things I could’ve done before I came. A nap. A very much needed walk.

I ended up leaving at 8:45. I need to process this because a lot was going on. We didn’t end up talking about the book much at all, which was partly a relief because I had not read the chapters. I was about ten years older than any person in the circle and besides the ones I see who are in church every Sunday, I knew none of the others. We had to go around the circle and say our name and how we know about mythology. I said that I didn’t know much and am not much of a fiction reader.

The book is TIll We Have Faces which is supposed to be this great book. I did read a google summary during one of my breaks. The hostess gave me a book to read which is titled With All Her Mind. It is a collection of essays written by mostly Catholic women. One time I was friends with an author who was compiling a collection of essays by Lutheran women. There were something like 14 chapters in the book. I remember being totally devastated when she did not ask me to write something for it.

It was supposed to be Lutheran women sharing wisdom with Lutheran sisters. It really did hurt, I was surprised even by me. I was never really into the prissy Lutheran writing anyway. I do think I have gotten less bitter about things over the years. I notice that I can watch Biblical womanhood reels by women who I think are way too snotty and negative toward other women and I do not feel all that triggered and can refrain from the urge to comment. Now feeling love, that is still a stretch.

This morning we experienced an welcome change in the weather. Yesterday at the beach the air smelled faintly of fall. I’m not sure how temperature can have a cooler smell but it does. It hasn’t even been too hot this summer but it’s still nice to have the windows open and it still be comfortable inside. I can tell that I haven’t been to the beach as much with my new schedule. I haven’t had the same summer weight loss that naturally happens. Josh wants to do whole30 starting in August.

That was his idea not mine. He’s on a fitness kick where he feels like he has to work to maintain his muscle mass. They have an extra weight room area set up in the garage. I’d bought a carpet a while ago that didn’t end up working out for the space that I bought it for. So it ended up in the garage where someone unrolled it for this little weight space. I’m just glad it’s getting used. The old mattress from the guest bed that the boys broke from plopping onto to the bed a few years ago is also there.

We tried to buy a new mattress that actually fit our bed frame. The one he bought before to surprise me ended up being a full sized bed even though he’d ordered a queen. We didn’t catch that in time to return it, we’ve just lived with this bed frame that sticks out about four inches on one of the sides and at the foot. So then we gave Ethan and Laura’s bed our double mattress and it fits like it’s supposed do there. But the new mattress that I ordered is too hard and I cannot seem to like it.

So I’ve been sleeping on this twin mattress in our room on the floor. It’s actually really comfortable. We told the kids when they moved in to not be alarmed if they find me sleeping in some other place. The rooms are taken up but the extra mattress from the boys’ bunkbed was free. So I don’t know what we’re going to do about that because obviously that isn’t a long term solution. Thankfully the mattress wasn’t super expensive so if we have to get a different one we won’t be out all that much.

It’s times like this when I feel like how are we not even adults yet. I still can’t even figure out how to get a right bed. Back in the day people went and tried them out at the mattress stores. But anyway it’s been fine and I miss my times of having more time to clean. We moved the bookshelves back to their wall in the basement and it feels more put together. I like when a project stays done like when I organized the shelves. Sometime I’ll spray off and air dry the area rug from my Grandma’s house.

The carpet guys came today to put in the carpet. When I left this morning they were starting and when I came home this afternoon they were done. I really like it and am kind of in shock. The staircase is exactly what I wanted and it all looks wonderful. The open space by the open wall does not even bother me. When I was downstairs taking it in I had flashbacks to the first time I turned the corner of the stairway into the room and fell in love instantly knowing I would homeschool there.

Today I ran into a woman at work who used to work at Hope but now has her own practice. She said that she had just met with the Hope director the other day for over two hours just talking. She asked if they knew I was moonlighting over here. I didn’t even know what that word meant so I had to look it up. My supervisor knows but I haven’t said anything else to anyone else there. It’s not a secret though. I wrote the other two bosses an email saying that I’d moved from my school site to here.

I was feeling really overwhelmed today but I’m just tired. It’s when the margin is taken up too much with many different things. Laura’s mom and another friend came over to swim in the afternoon. It was a perfect day for lake time. We had our date night in the evening and have been consistent no matter the distractions or reasons to put it off this time. Today is the 23rd anniversary of a camper dying after the swim test. He had an enlarged heart and they named an outdoor chapel after him.

My mom called while I was out on the lake. I was testing out my waterproof phone bag again and it’s working well. I like feeling like I have some kind of handy gadget. I can wear it around my neck so you don’t have to worry about it falling into the water and sinking to the bottom of the lake. My is in charge of my sister’s bridal shower in a couple of weekends and was wondering if it was really necessary to have prizes for the games. I told her it wasn’t and that no one goes for those things.

Before that Elianna and I had gone to Ross for clothes. She was looking for dresses and I browsed for anything that might be nice to wear as well. The girl at the checkout counter was very stressed and the fitting room girl faintly smelled of marijuana. This week is night owl week so two of the boys are gone. It’s always hard to drop them off. I had a lot of the day to myself besides the things I mentioned. I was able to get my Relias videos done and let my boss know the hours for payroll.

A girl at the dock said I had a bug on my shirt. I was sitting on the dock watching the night owl swim tests. She then realized it was a spider and asked me please not to kill it. I said I only would kill it if it was a tick. She carefully picked it off of my shirt until it fell onto my shorts and then I was able to gently brush it to the dock. Another girl came up later and said I had a wasp on my back. We need to get some wasp killer and spray it down there. They have plenty of places to build their nests.

It’s been a little while since anyone has seen the cats. We think she might have found a home across the street with the widow neighbor. She was walking that way once while we were driving into town. She saw our van and crouched down in the grass and flattened herself like they do when they’re hiding. One of the boys had captured some footage of her eating in front of our house after walking up from camp one day. Other than in a video from the dining hall, I have never seen the kitten.

Today marks the last full week of the camp season. It really does go by pretty fast. I have a lot of work this week with getting ready for a birthday party and catching up on notes and Relias videos for my jobs. My sister has a bridal shower and I want to make sure I have a decent gift with a bag and tissue paper and all of that. I still haven’t had a conversation with my mother-in-law but it’s coming back to me again as something I really need to do.

I have missed my own grandmother a lot. Today would’ve been her and my grandpa’s 74th anniversary. This is also the 27th year anniversary of Josh and I meeting. I can’t remember if I’ve ever written about it, where he was washing dishes in a purple apron. It’s kind of crazy to think we were meant to get married, have kids, and now grandkids. I miss my grandpa too who was a very gentle and funny man. It’s interesting how the various generations get forgotten and also remembered.

Tonight we went to the Muni to watch The Prince of Egypt performance. It ended up raining and getting cancelled. The blankets we brought to sit on ended up getting soaked from the downpour. It was a nice idea it was just one of those things that didn’t work out for whatever reason. So instead of watching the show we decided to watch the movie at home. It was late by the time we got home but I thought I needed to make the exception and stay up later instead of just going to bed.

Before that it’d been a pretty good day. We spent the morning moving things around in the basement because they’re supposed to come on Tuesday and put new carpet downstairs. The basement guys came and had several suggestions but none of them seemed like something we wanted to have them do. So for now the plan is to carpet the downstairs but to not replace the carpet in the area on the wall where it leaks and floods. They can figure this out at some point.

I don’t know. I’ve kind of lost my motivation and enthusiasm for the project. On the weekends I like to try and dedicate effort toward the mealtimes. Everyone was going to be home so I planned out the meals for lunch and supper and also lunch for after church. We made up the casseroles so that they are ready. I don’t mind the cooking because I know the effect is a happy family. It also makes me feel somewhat productive and on top of things. We also went to the beach which was nice.

Most of the time I drive away from work still thinking about the various people. The two couples I had are still in the early phase of meeting where this was only our second session. Another was an also new pregnant woman approaching the year anniversary of an infant loss. The other was a younger man I’ve met with almost weekly since he started coming. There was an another new couple earlier in the week who within the hour showed me we needed to do the sessions separately.

If he even comes back. This is exactly the kind of experience I was hoping to get. Another woman usually waits for me to initiate leading with questions. That’s not the way things usually go but with her it is. For her ideal self she wanted peace. I asked if she ever connects her peace to the existence of God. She said thoughts of God don’t enter her mind unless someone else happens to bring it up first. I truly was not even able to imagine.

She started going to church because she needed a church to cover her sessions. They say with couples therapy that the relationship is the client. I’m not sure that I agree. At least that’s not how I think about it and that’s not what I tell them. I think of them both as the clients who are in a relationship that is not going to be able to work without either one of them. Sometimes the parts of the relationship that need attention are the people themselves. I think that’s more how I would say it.

It had been awhile since my friend and I had gotten together for our book study. My being immersed in summer has contributed to my not reaching out. I had purposely saved my appetite so that by the time I got there I was good and hungry. We enjoyed our food and talked about our latest chapters.

Work had been a decent day, described to Laura as two hard ones and two easy ones. Two of my days I only had half days after I blocked my schedule after certain cancellations. It’s a math thing for me. My time is important and if I’m not getting paid I’m not going to be there for hours and hours.

I think a big temptation in the (lifelong) process of grief is to think the final destination is a radical acceptance of the brokenness of the world. The intolerable situation. The thing that can’t be changed. It’s a lot to get even there. But it helps me also to see that the ceasing of the fighting is better than the struggle. The peace is so magnanimous and so pronounced, to where to go back to the entryway, to go back to the starting point of all of our days truly seems an obvious fools errand.

Laura is somewhere around 34 weeks. Tonight we sat on the couch and she showed me her birth plan. The midwives make all the patients fill one out. It’s mostly just a communication tool to help the staff understand more about the patient and any particular beliefs or preferences she has in regard to her birth. I looked it over and told her the only main thought I had was that if they want to put an IV in her hand or arm that is not too big of a deal. They put it in in case of emergencies.

That way everything is ready to go if they would need it. So that was kind of nice to sit and talk for a while. I never really have been into the whole talking about birth thing. It’s one of those things you do and it’s so intimate and personal and yet nothing special because half the rest of the world does it (I’m just throwing out numbers). Personally I was always glad when it was over and everyone was fine. It seems like one of those things you could brag about except that so much of it is not you.

So those are my thoughts. I am content to let baby stay there, as in I am not in a rush, because I know soon enough the baby will be here. And with the birth will come many cares. I was out on a walk this evening thinking about pushing the boys in the double stroller. It was part of our routine every day to go on a walk and I walked much faster then even with the additional weight and effort. I do think motherhood is very underrated, but it isn’t something I have to talk about anymore now.

I had a new client today at Pepper Brown. It seems like I just started but it’s been over a month. It’s been nice to have my familiar clients while also waiting for other ones. I am not in a huge rush and she does not seem pressured to have us working or producing. These are the ins and outs that I am learning. The girl I saw is younger after I told the boss there that I was open to seeing kids. She is a kid therapy person and gets a lot of referrals for seeing children which is a hot market these days.

So I enjoyed meeting with her and we will see how it works out. I tried to give an impression with mom that I make no promises with this but that I’m also willing to give it a try. I am only there on Tuesdays and if that’s not going to work then this is not going to work. She will have to come afternoons after summer and while that is not my current preference I am open to things changing to where that can be arranged. Insurance is a pain but it’s going to be nice to be getting paid now.