It’s been a busy past few days. Last night we were all at a cross country bonfire. We had a good time and stayed at least a couple of hours. I don’t know what it is, if it’s the lack of sleep more lately or what, but my day to day recall memory just isn’t very good. If I do not write down what did on the day we did it then I seem to have trouble remembering what went on. I was relieved to be home and put on my pajamas but I couldn’t tell you what any of us did. I do faintly remember doing our prayers.

Today the boys helped me clean. One of the boys went with Dad to drop off old and leftover chemicals and the other two stayed here and we cleaned up the living room and did a medium deep clean. The urge came upon me to do something major get rid of two of our pianos. There was no way to get them out of here so we didn’t end up doing that. I was going to get rid of my Barnes & Noble classics collection but I couldn’t end up bringing myself to do that either. I dusted my bookshelf.

We had this chicken that had to get eaten so I made that for lunch. I love eating chicken skin. Before that the boys erased their summer miles and made a new board for winter. I recorded this really precious video of them slowly erasing the remainder of the board and it was just so funny and sweet. It’s kind of emotional thinking about all those miles they ran. One of the camp staff stopped by during lunch to pick up his pictures and say hello and said he’s thinking about going to UIS to run track.

Elianna came over with Zorro after lunch. It was such a nice day we took a walk down to the beach and sat on the dock for a while. I had taken a shower after lunch and so it was nice to let my hair airdry in the sun. I wish it never had to end. We sat there for what felt like a long but good time and then went back to the house because Dad and I needed to get ready for a wedding. Two of the joyful hearts campers have been in love for several years. There service was at a park and was a sweet time too.

After that I went to a bonfire get together for work. We drove separate cars and after the wedding Josh went home and I went to the gathering. I figured it was good for me to try to be social. The gathering was nice and I didn’t count but I would say about half of us were there. I came home and people were hanging out including Ellie. After putting away the food I’d brought home from the party, I went out to the bonfire to say hello to the two of them. Lila has been starting to wear her fall clothes.

Today during a marriage session a woman asked me why I thought it was that people’s first tendency while trying to listen is to get defensive. She was reporting how her husband had done something different and listened to her without defensiveness. Sometimes people ask me things and I have to pause for a moment and think about what to say. But with this question the answer came to me almost instantaneously. I said it was because we are naturally self-centered.

And suddenly it was like it was all making sense. When we hear things, we hear it through our perspective. Everything people say is being filtered through the experience of the self. She said it wasn’t just him who does it, but that she does it too. I said that yeah typically in counseling we’re addressing in the man first because the woman is the one who brings up most of the problems. But I have seen it in sessions too that if he brings up a problem she does the same exact thing.

I made the mistake again of asking a couple during an intake to talk about why they were there, before getting to my other questions. It was back and forth in the most predictable fashion. One said something but then the other had to explain, which continued into an even further explanation and on it went until I had to say again that we needed to finish the other questions. I hadn’t done that in a while but I was wanting to switch it up and just see what would happen. if it’d be any different.

But back to the self-centeredness. I was completely shocked at myself that I had said this so easily. I wasn’t trying to make it softer or even say that being self-centered was understandable. And they shook their heads in full on agreement and told me that I was the one who made sense. The woman explored her own continued examination, that even when you try to understand the why behind what you do what you do, that is still focused on yourself and your own experience. Yes, exactly.

So what then is change? Change is to focus on the experience of the other person. What they were feeling. What they were thinking. And to eliminate the self-interpretation. It sounds so harsh though and I don’t know if there is softer or better way to say it. There’s nothing to defend when this is not about you. There’s nothing to be threatened when you are not even there, when your self is not in the way. It’s like a miracle undoing for all human relationships, this profound “other” orientation.

Tonight we went to the Wednesday evening discipleship classes. We’ve been talking about going and other nights it just hasn’t worked out. They have something for all ages including two adult studies. One is on the Book of Concord and the other is on the book of Ephesians. They have an Evening Prayer service beforehand which I did not feel like going to since I had just come home from work and needed some down time before turning around to drive back into town. I was excited to go.

I thought Josh was going to be in the Bible class but he was in the Book of Concord class. I looked around to find the Ephesians room and it was just the pastor and one other guy in there. He said they usually have about six or seven but they were missing a lot of people. I had this flashback of my grandpa with his Bible open and with another man also with his. I felt like I was intruding on some time they needed to have so I told them I would let them have their special time.

So then I went into the room where they have the services. I had to curb my disappointment that I wasn’t going to the Bible class. I sat down next to Josh and the teacher was in the middle of explaining one of the sections. I tried multiple times to pay attention but it was like I couldn’t keep from zoning out. There were twenty people in the class not including the teacher. I couldn’t understand what the big deal was but I gave the teacher credit for his smartness and earnestness.

Somewhere the hornet’s nest got stirred up and it became this whole fiasco. I was searching and filling out apartment applications and he was reaching out to a pastors Facebook group asking for prayers for his family because his wife had said she wanted to leave him. Suddenly three of my sons were trying to talk sense and inspiring words to me including one typing me paragraphs. Our history of dealing with this is so long and extensive, it can seem like there really aren’t any more options.

But anyway, all of that settled.

We woke up in Seward after driving to Nebraska after the meet to see Laura and Lila. It’d been three whole weeks since we’d seen her and she had doubled in age. She doesn’t fit on my lap anymore to do the lap photos I was doing at first. We hung out in the evening at Ethan and Laura’s apartment. We’d had sandwiches in the car after stopping by Hyvee and buying some supplies. I’d made a Walmart order the day before so we picked up that to have the ingredients to make supper.

It didn’t feel like I saw Lila that much. I held her while everyone ate and then switched for eating and clean up. Everyone was tired so we didn’t stay too long past 8. Something I remember is how important it is to have that nuclear family time. When I want to help Laura and do things for her this is one of the things I am able to do. Extended family time is good but you also need that time to connect especially after the stretch of a long day.

Dad, the boys, and I went back to the motel room. I don’t even remember what we did, if there was a baseball game on, I know some people went out and walked. I’m pretty sure I went to bed. This time we had a couch so there enough beds for everyone. It was still the same lady checking us in and making us breakfast in the morning. Last time when I stayed there she was opening the rooms and clearing out garbage. I almost wish that I could help her and have a little business like this.

If it wasn’t so far away I would do it. We went to early service and sat in the left back pews like last time. The choir wasn’t singing so it wasn’t nearly as crowded. Ethan and Laura found us and Lila was awake in her infant seat. Laura asked if I wanted to hold her since she was awake. I definitely did. She was awake but kind of fussy so I took her out to the back of the church and into the hallway and common areas. She has this grumpy face when she’s tired and uncomfortable but still looking around.

So I got to spend more time with her then and it made it feel like I had gotten my time with her. It was the time we needed to get acquainted and make some memories. I wrapped her up in her blanket and experimented with different ways of holding her. Laura had said it was okay to take her out. She liked to be walking more than sitting but once she was officially asleep it was okay to go in and sit back down with her. We sang a song in church and I listened to them sing and it was beautiful.