I saw the kitten this evening. I walked down to main camp and he/she was sitting on the concrete pad in front of the girls’ staff bathroom. He leapt and ran into the woods and I turned around to go back to the house to tell the others and get food. Dad and the boys were heating up leftover brats from the homecoming lunch. There were only four paper plates left and I told the boys one of them was going to have to give me their plate. We put some food on it and one of them came with me.

It was this great little adventure where he could see the mom over by one of the cabins and I just had to believe him. So we walked over there and eventually found her and she came close enough to where he could show her the food and she eventually ate it. Then I saw the kitten again over by the Trading Post benches. So we stood there and watched them for I don’t even know how long.

So that was exciting. Josh and I left Seward around 11:40am. We hung out in the morning and helped them do a little putting together of baby items and shower gifts. Laura had already gotten a lot done by the time we arrived around 9:15. As I was walking up to the door Ethan called and asked where we were at. I told him in front of his door. He said “oh” and hung up. When we opened the door he said he was going to ask if we could bring him some food since. I hadn’t even thought of it.

He’d run 10 miles in the morning, which I knew he was going to do, but I had completely forgotten that they had basically no food in the fridge or their cupboards. That was one of the things we were originally going to do before the times were adjusted. So in my head I was like “Oh” as in I was surprised that I had not thought of this sooner. So we turned around and found him some food.

And then brought it back. We’d had a slow morning which included me taking advantage of the motel breakfast. Laura said she was fine and didn’t want anything. There were a few leftover snacks from the trip. For lunch Josh and I stopped in Nebraska City at this nicer truck stop that has really great bathrooms. We’ve never done this before, but we just got gas station food (truck stop food) because we thought it would be quicker and they had a good variety. Then we were driving again.

We listened to a 3-hr podcast of Flame telling the story of how he became Lutheran. About halfway through I asked if we could pause it so we could talk and connect more. Eventually I started to space back out and he said, “Is it okay if we turn this back on?” and I said “Sure”. Later I said we should play a game and he said “what game?”, confused because it didn’t seem like a realistically doable thing.

I said we could play truth or dare and he laughed. He wasn’t going to do any dares. I was thinking we would just have to do truths but I never pursued it because something about the whole game feels not right to me, like it isn’t my good side that plays it. So we just talked instead and it really was nice. There was still some processing that had to be done about the summer and the fact that it now was over. There is a mild bittersweetness but mostly just a happiness that the time together was lovely.

I did cry once we got home. I texted Ethan and Laura and said we were home and Laura texted me an emotional paragraph and I texted her one back and that’s when I cried. I guess I did cry in the car once after I’d reread the google doc of the book I wrote to Ethan for his wedding. I feel like I’m proud of and still stand by what I told him. We discovered a new Walmart in Cameron which was very cool.

We made it to Seward a little before 6:30. On the way out I called and made a reservation for the night. it’s a cute little family owned motel place so they asked what time I thought we would be there and I said it would probably be after 6:30. So we were early. They have three different buildings and this time we are in building three which I’ve never been in before. This one is more newly renovated and modern in its decoration. It still has that new smell when you walk into the long hallway area.

Two of Ethan’s teammates came over for supper. We sat in their living room and arranged the four dining room chairs so we were sitting in a circle. Laura and I sat on the loveseat. We talked about them being seniors and how for them some things had gone by fast but others had not and how so much had happened. They both had super cute personalities and adorable smiles. Ethan and Laura were glad to be home and back in their place where they can get ready for the next things.

We were in bed by 9pm. I told Josh I had that feeling where it feels like I’m almost too tired to sleep. He said he’s never felt that before. I can’t remember what else we talked about but I kept the light on and dozed on and off until eventually I saw that Ethan had gotten back from his run and posted his workout on Strava around 10pm. The teammates said they think they will be shocked by all the free time they have when all the running is over. I turned out the light and we slept until morning.

We had a labor false alarm toward the end of the night. After making the lasagna to bring along with us for the next day’s trip, Laura said she needed to talk to me about something. She felt like she had been leaking fluid for several days and today there had been more. None of my labors ever started this way so I called my sister who used to be a birth doula and who was on her 18th anniversary overnight outing with her husband. She didn’t answer. So then I called my sister who has six kids.

And is also pregnant with her seventh. She didn’t answer either. So I called my mom and she answered. She helped me talk it through to where the plan was to go have Laura call the numbers for the after hours call lines. She called the one in Nebraska and the midwife on call told her it was not a good idea to wait until getting to Nebraska which we were supposed to do the next day. This was upsetting to Laura because she had really been hoping and planning to have the baby there.

So then she called the on call number for the place where she’d been going this summer. They told her to come and get checked out to see whether or not the leaking is actually amniotic fluid. I know that’s what we were going to have to do but it was a matter of getting the official instructions on what to do and also where and how to go. Thankfully when you’re an established pregnant patient you get to bypass the ER and go straight to the OB floor where they can evaluate everything there.

She asked if she could take a shower and I said yes. If you’re going to be giving in a different place several weeks before you were expecting it the least you can do is take a shower and feel more comfortable that way. This all was happening at a much slower place and from the time when she first said something to when Laura and Ethan plus Josh and I were walking up to the labor floor labor floor at ten past midnight it had been a little over two hours. They went back to a triage room.

The nurse was nice and told us that we didn’t have to go back down to the patient waiting room on level 2. Unless they got super busy, it was okay for Josh and I to wait in the patient waiting room next to the triage rooms. Ethan send us texts that the amniotic fluid looked good on the ultrasound. Eventually he said they were able to go home and things were fine. We decided instead of leaving at 7:30 we would leave closer to 10 in the morning. Everyone was back home and in bed by 2:30am.

Josh said he was trying not to but he’d been excited to hold the baby. I had more been contemplating the ever present truth of needing to be fluid with our plans. Before that we had had a very good and busy day of going to church in Auburn where they were acknowledging workers from camp, swinging by Laura’s house to pack up their baby stuff (her parents are currently on a 2-week vacation traveling Route 66 and were in Arizona or California where they are also visiting their son).

We went to the beach in the afternoon. I didn’t expect them but the kids are very good about coming down when they sense I’m trying to have a family time thing. One of the boys was trying to talk to and figure out words to type to a girl he’d met at camp. After the beach we had some rest time before going to supper to meet my mother-in-law in town. We got to have my family game time downstairs in the basement where I’d been wanting to have a time where we used the new carpet.

The girls and I had a good time at the shower. We left around 7:40 in the morning and were back around 6:15 in the evening. It was nice to see my family including a few aunts who I haven’t seen since my grandpa’s funeral five and a half years ago. I met my sister’s future mother-in-law for the first time as well. My brother and I were the only ones she hadn’t met. I didn’t realize all my mom was doing to put on this shower and she had tried very hard and succeeded to make it nice.

While we were on the way home I gave Laura some advice. I felt like I needed to at least give her some words about motherhood before she left to go back. I broke it down into three categories. Herself, her marriage, and her baby. The first was to keep something in her life that helps her feel like herself. Going on a walk. Having a little job on the side. Going out with friends. Whatever that thing was for her that would help fill her cup. Once I learned that I appreciated its importance.

The second was just a heads up that at some point it might start to feel like his life hasn’t changed as much as yours has, and not to get mad at Ethan if/when these certain things about motherhood feel unfair. If I could go back I feel like there’d be better things I could spend my energy on. The final thing was to have fun with the baby. I feel like this is something that I did try to do. That was my more personal way of trying to say to her “enjoy it”. It’s crazy to think we’re in August again.

This afternoon after work the boys had their annual 4x400m relay. They had their baton this time so that was good. The track where we usually do it is under construction so we went to the SHG high school and used their track. According the to the boys, SHG doesn’t care about their track team which is why their track has no stands on anyway on the side to sit. Instead of filming from the middle top of the stands I was at the start line and filmed from there. I think they were happy.

I’m still thinking about one of the patients I saw today and it is not uncommon for me to think about him for the rest of the day. I feel like today was the farthest I’ve gone with trying to incorporate my somatic tools and be brave enough to teach it to somebody else. It just takes me getting over this hump and not holding back when I think there is something that could actually help someone. There is a balance between talking and simply being in the moment without feeling like I need to explain.

He’s very handsome but it isn’t like that, even though there is some kind of felt longing where I am wanting to connect but in an unexplainable, pure way. After the relay the girls and I went to Target to finish finding gifts for my sister who is having her bridal shower tomorrow. It’s a bit of a drive to get up there but I would not want to miss it. Tonight we watched the brothers 4×4 videos from the past four years so that was fun. It’s kind of silly to watch them but it is a way to bond as a family.

Today the family went to Knight’s Action Park. It was the perfect day for it weather wise, not too hot and not too cloudy. I wasn’t going to be able to go until the intake appointment I had at noon cancelled. So then I was able to go and meet up with them since I didn’t have anybody else until 3. It’s been super dry at work in terms of waitlists and call-ins/cancellations. I actually wrote an email asking a certain entity to not reschedule until they could be more committed to keeping appointments.

So after walking Zorro and playing with him for a few minutes, I left for the water park. Everybody was already eating in the pavilion where my mother-in-law had brought in Subway sandwiches, fruit, and chips for lunch. My appetite still was basically non-existent and I ate a few bites of my six-inch sub and then gave it to Judah when he asked if there was anyone who hadn’t finished all of their sandwich. We packed up lunch and then headed into the park to the table with all of our stuff.

While we were there I made everyone get a picture and there wasn’t going to be any waiting until later. Then we moved as a group over to the lazy river where we rode to the hill slides. Somehow Dad got left behind when he was putting away the keys and phones. So we went down the hill slides twice and then the boys and Elianna and Miles went over to the tall slides. Laura and I went back to the lazy river and floated until it was time for me to go. It was a super fun time just being around.

Technically there still is day camp until Friday but as of today the overnight camp season is over. I told you it goes by fast and it some ways it hardly even seems like we had summer. We had a dinner in the dining hall where Josh bought everyone their favorite drinks and then he ordered chicken strips, garlic toast, and a few other things from a chicken place in Springfield. While we were standing in the food line one of the out of town counselors asked if I could cut his hair.

I was a little hesitant just because it’s not like I have a ton of experience. It’s one thing to cut your own boy’s hair. Ethan was a few people ahead in the line and overheard this conversation. He did some kind of cut motion and told the counselor that was probably not a good idea. My feelings were instantly hurt and in some kind of weird slow motion but still moving normally way I turned around and left the kitchen and didn’t eat any food for the rest of the evening. I did drink my drink.

He doesn’t even realize that his information is outdated. The other boys let me cut their hair and ask me to do so. I don’t know where things went wrong between us to where this is the way that he sees me. Well anyway so I didn’t cut the counselor’s hair. We had to go around the table and say what the most shocking part about the summer was from our perspective. Mine was that two new cats had been spotted on the property. We haven’t seen the baby in a while but the mom is around.

My bank ledger keeps showing payments for WordPress renewals. It’s the time of year when all of those renew automatically unless for some reason the card on file has changed due to expiration or fraud alerts that lead to the issuing of new cards. I thought of this because I am struggling with feeling like there is nothing to write. Nothing that is appropriate or proper for where I find myself.

One of the worst things in writing is when I feel like I cannot truly be honest. About how heartbroken, miserable, or unhappy I am and how much I long for a world where I no longer have to pretend or push through. I will just be happy because there is nothing else that can be had or felt in this place that I have heard so much about but never fully experienced.

Sometimes life just seems like way too much to hold onto. I don’t mean taking my own life but more like being okay with dying. I was following an Instagram mom who recently died of stage four cancer. I just keep thinking, “What the heck?? Why??” It seems like such a waste of powers. No one in this life matters. It’s like that is what God is trying to get us to say, and then actually live by those promises.

Today was a pretty laid back and chill day. Not laid back in terms of temperatures but as far as being around the house. I’m really loving the new carpet and going downstairs and it not smelling either when I do laundry or when I walk down the stairs. The plan is to just keep the cats out of the basement. One has been really struggling with displacement and not knowing what to do. Ethan and Laura said she’s spent most of the summer down on their bed. I found her on mine the other day.

I did some laundry and cleaned the bathrooms. For breakfast I went down to the dining hall but forgot it was a bigger week for the camp side and there is also a high school cross country team here. By the time it got to me and Laura they were tearing pancakes in half to make sure there were enough. It was fine for the little kids but the older kids probably would’ve wanted to have more than one. The rest of the meals I just stayed up here and still haven’t had much of an appetite anyway.

Uncle Glenn called to check on Elianna. He said we all need a job like Joshua’s where we only need to work three months of the year. I said we really do, or actually I don’t even know what I said. It was nice of him to call and he had stopped by as well on Saturday evening after the party. My son and I were playing a game. In the evening me, Dad, Elianna, and the littlest watched a show but I couldn’t, I had to try to read something. It’s called The Dance of Intimacy by Harriet Learner. It’s pretty good.

Elianna and I are home from the hospital. Josh came back and picked us up around one. He and the kids had come by after church to visit in the morning and spend some time. I’m still trying to regain my bearings after this and sort it out. She is supposed to take a week off work and take things easy which is not something that naturally runs in her nature. She came with me up to El Paso to drop off my niece with my brother in law. My niece was a trooper and was flexible with all the changes.

When we were at Detweiller and I was moving around from place to place during the races, I had a moment where I remembered that several years ago this would not have been possible. My first cross country season as a parent I ran. I became enthralled with the sport that was just as much a sport for me than it was for them. The first season was the last time that ever happened, but a few nights ago at Detweiller was the closest it’s ever been to being that way again where I was running.

Because it wasn’t just one race, it was three races of watching my kids plus another whole race moving and cheering for a kid who wasn’t mine. It absolutely would’ve been unheard of. And there was gladness and a much more frequent gratitude in my steps while I was doing so, but at the same time there was also a fear. What is this going to cost me and how long will it take to recover from doing this, on a weekend where there were back to back to back days of extra scheduled activities.

I know that God can take away strength where there was some. I also want to acknowledge that he can give and did give me strength this weekend when there was very little. Like actual physical strength and alertness to not be suffering through weakness. Once the hump was over and we were actually in the room things started to move and did not feel long again. My peace somewhere did eventually return and the psychological pain that can so often plague me subsided into a renewal.

Laura was curled up in a picnic blanket on the ground, growing a baby. After Ethan’s race she stayed sitting down, or lying down, or sleeping. When we were cheering for Lydia and it was me, Ethan, Elianna, Abigail, and John. I said to John, “I need a picture of you with your medal”, and his glowing, happy face. It was dark but we were under lights. He said how about after the race. I knew I shouldn’t have listened to him but I did it anyway. He said that way we can get one with everybody.