I am always so tired at the end of the week which is one of those things I am hoping can change. I continue to meet some very sweet people including this younger man who is wanting to not play video games for the entire day. These are the kinds of things I am wanting to help people with. I’m meant to have relationships with people and be able to work with them for a while. I told my one Thrive girl who came to Hope that I’m moving again. Thankfully she’s very accepting of everything.

Correction: I’m not going to talk about this anymore.

Thanksgiving is coming up and people are talking to me about details. Since my sister had her wedding I considered cancelling it this year. I’m still not quite ready to begin to think that far ahead. For the wedding my brother’s friend volunteered to board all the family dogs. He’s the one who helped with Zorro who is continuing to do well. The boys run in sectionals tomorrow which is wearing me out. A couple of years ago I couldn’t walk very long or far and had to stay in the car a lot.

(meant to type Discovery but I liked it better this way)

The kitten has been hanging around the house a lot more. Yesterday it was staying around the front and today it has been exploring the back. The other cats don’t like it but they are going to have to adjust and learn to accept this. It amazes me that they can feel such dislike and distrust over a kitten. I would like to name him Lucky but the boys were not fully onboard. He has a spot on his nose that looks like a clover. He does not let us get close enough to pick him up but hopefully soon.

This afternoon I had another teenage girl which so far has been an interesting and enjoyable demographic. She was so nervous or traumatized that she did not talk more than a few words for an entire 30 minutes. So we were back on the floor again and she was very excited to do that. I need to keep taking these opportunities to practice and these kinds of more somatic interventions because this is an area where I want to be better. I am truly hoping to have more time to research and read.

Maybe someday I will have more words to make sense of the learning process that this past year working has been. But right now I’m just glad that part is over.

I talked to my supervisor about leaving Hope. I feel relieved and kind of excited about it. This really isn’t anything against them. I’m seeing this more as a consolidation. If I’m dreaming really big I see it as a way of also freeing up time to be able to watch Lila if she ever moves back here. Ethan has gotten an email from the Lutheran High principal as well as an inquiry from one of the local Lutheran grade schools. Over the winter as things are building I could keep cleaning the house.

So if I’m leaving at the end of the year I need to get him a resignation letter and start to make a transition plan. The only thing he asked is that I did try to direct at least some clients back to in-house counselors. So now I have to deal with telling everyone else but that will have to come with time. This was one of my later work evenings so I did not go to discipleship tonight but did get to FaceTime with Lila. She slept for almost eight hours last night and is doing well so far at school.

They have eight different people helping to watch her during Laura’s different classes. They take turns sitting with her or pushing her in the stroller. So far she hasn’t had to use her bottle. We’ve heard from my sister a few times who is down in Cancun for her honeymoon. We had to start a whole separate chat without her so that we could keep talking without bothering her. The trees are not as bright this year but they’re still pretty and turning colors and that’s all that really matters.

Today I saw two teenage girls at my other job. I have really been itching to talk to my supervisor and tell him that I am officially wanting to leave Hope. More flexibility. More money. More time for me to have with people who I care about. One of the girls I see always hates being there at first. I have had to get past my stubbornness to not want to play games and the idea that therapy is a waste if we are not somehow actively doing something more therapy-like. There a lot of kids who need help.

She tells me I need to get fidgets and squishies. I still have so many ideas for an office. It’s the equivalent of setting up a classroom. You know where things are and everything has an intended purpose and use. Both of the girls like being on the floor which is a welcome change from the constant adult sitting. Everybody needs to be moving more, but baby steps.

I’m really trying to foster contentment and not be moving around like this all the time. It’s like the stone needs to be rolled back in front of the mind cave so that there is no way to get back in. The mind cave is where I went because it was just easier to die in there. But now I like leaning against the stone instead of needing to go all the way in. I can still rest there, but without anything to fall into, and the sun is still there and the hard ground which I like because it’s solid and holds me up.

With every family event like this, life becomes a little more real. It’s amazing how God constructs a life and a heart so that they can be satisfied. It doesn’t take much and yet the abundance is everywhere.

We arrived home sometime around and before 8pm. After hotel checkout we drove over toward Rockford where my sister’s son was having a birthday party at an outdoor park place. It was a nice time and again the weather was comfortable and beautiful for a late October day. We played a round of mini-golf which was a nice recovery activity after a long and busy day the day before. We took turns riding on the go-karts which was also very fun. We had pizza again on the way home.

The wedding was just one of those things where there was just too much there to even begin to write about it. We were soaking in the moments and enjoying the people and surroundings. My sister’s now husband comes from a wealthier family and they were in charge of putting on the reception. There are such things as fancy receptions. Now all of a sudden I’m regretting that I did not do more to help my daughter get ready. I didn’t even care myself. I just put my dress on, tried to shape my eyebrows just a tad, brushed my cheeks and that was it. It just wasn’t a big deal.

We were not the main people. Like, just because people have natural beauty doesn’t mean it’s not still fun or good to try to make that beauty stand out, not even for the sake of other people seeing or noticing, but just to be true to who you most are. But anyway the wedding was truly beautiful and the reception very fun and just a lovely time. It seems like the more life you live the more time you want for the things in life that truly matter, like spending time with the people you care about.

We partied into the night, or at least until the time of day was officially almost over. The whole day leading up to it seems like almost a blur now except I did just remember. I told everyone I was not going to be able to visit or be social until I’d gotten through the morning cross country races. Dad and the boys were in Williamsville and Ethan was running his cross country meet in Ashland, Nebraska. I knew this was supposed to be his final cross country meet for his college career.

I guess this entire time he had been trying to make conference. In order to do that you need to be in the top ten. He finished 11th again after beating out one of the regular top ten runners. But one of the teammates who has been battling with an injury this year did really well after several races of dying out. He finished even before Vaughn and so that put Ethan back at 11. I don’t think he is seeing how much of an accomplishment this is after so many times of finishing in such other places.

So coach told him that it was between him and another guy for alternate and he went with the other guy because the other one has consistently scored in the top ten the whole season. To me I think this is great, but…anyway the boys did well at regionals and advanced to sectionals next weekend. Both of the boys had PR’s, one by 13 seconds and the other by almost 40. They again finished very close together, this time being only four tenths of a second apart. Elianna and I watched both races.

I haven’t traveled enough to know if there is such a thing as fancy hotels. It seems like hotels are one of those things that either end up exceeding my expectations or completely missing the mark with them. The ones that exceed my expectations are ones like the one we stayed in a few weeks ago when all we needed was a place to crash for the night. It was a very expensive but comfortable 12-hour stay. And then you have times where you’re supposed to be hanging out for two days.

We’re on the tenth floor of a hotel where the only working elevator is a small service elevator off to the side somewhere. The stairwells are dark and metallic, but I have made two trips down and one trip up so far. The room that was 87 degrees when we walked in has made its way down to 75. I think your body just gets used to the heat after a while because it feels so hot when you first walk in and then it’s like you hardly even notice it. They did at least get the air conditioning working.

We had my sister’s rehearsal dinner tonight. Elianna and I came up while Josh and the boys stayed behind. They have their regional meet tomorrow and are hoping to make sectionals. I miss them and wish that either they were up here or that I was with them. I’m sore and tired tonight so do not have much to put toward being downstairs. I’m sure I’m not the only one I just feel like I need to go to bed. I could pray for the weekend and for God to bless everyone and everyone’s time here.

I came home from our meeting the other day and lo and behold the kitten from the summer was sitting in front of our house. We haven’t seen him (her?) for close to two and a half months since camp ended and then he was just there. I stayed in the van and took a picture of him and then recorded him making his way from the corner by the woods toward the other side of the house where I imagine he was heading toward the food. I sent the video out to everybody instantly.

Before he could get to the food another cat scared him away and he ran back into the woods. I haven’t seen him since but none of us could believe he was still around. I had a talk with my Hope director this afternoon and told her that I was basically fairly sure that I was needing to leave there. I said the best way I could describe it was that I had a head reason and a heart reason. Conversations like this are never easy to have. It wasn’t an official notice it was just letting her know where I was at.

I’m really upset about it but I also feel peace. I am also wanting to fully let go of my nursing job. I was trying to hold onto it and wanted to make it work but I just have too many other things that I am wanting and trying to do, and I don’t need it anymore. I made it to my five year mark which is something that I wanted. I will keep up my nursing license but I do not have a desire to do that job anymore. I’ve been enjoying the cooler weather and bright blue skies which come this time of year.

I think I’ve started making my exit plan for leaving Hope. If someone asked me now, I’d say the biggest reason is because I am not built to cycle through that many people. I have met some really great ones who I think would come over with me to my other place. But three and a half days of doing this is not sustainable the way it’s going. I could work half the time and make just as much money, or I could at some point if I wanted work the same amount of time for twice the money.

This hasn’t been a total waste. Like I said, I’ve met some really great clients and built good relationships with those people. I’ve seen relationships improve and become more steady and stable. Whatever the issue was with my original NPI number uncovered a whole slew of other issues that they’ve been working for months to get straightened out. I’ve met some really neat coworkers which I think is going to be the hardest part about leaving there. I don’t want to try to do both.

So I think I’m going to tell them I’m going to be done at the end of the year. I know I’m fickle and change my mind about things but I feel pretty sure I want to do this. I want more time to be at home, to not be tired, to be able to spread my time out more to go on walks or be involved more at church or with kids or with grandkids. Right now I’ve been using a certain office at the other place but I’m considering asking if I can have the other student office with the window. I’d like the light.