Today during a marriage session a woman asked me why I thought it was that people’s first tendency while trying to listen is to get defensive. She was reporting how her husband had done something different and listened to her without defensiveness. Sometimes people ask me things and I have to pause for a moment and think about what to say. But with this question the answer came to me almost instantaneously. I said it was because we are naturally self-centered.

And suddenly it was like it was all making sense. When we hear things, we hear it through our perspective. Everything people say is being filtered through the experience of the self. She said it wasn’t just him who does it, but that she does it too. I said that yeah typically in counseling we’re addressing in the man first because the woman is the one who brings up most of the problems. But I have seen it in sessions too that if he brings up a problem she does the same exact thing.

I made the mistake again of asking a couple during an intake to talk about why they were there, before getting to my other questions. It was back and forth in the most predictable fashion. One said something but then the other had to explain, which continued into an even further explanation and on it went until I had to say again that we needed to finish the other questions. I hadn’t done that in a while but I was wanting to switch it up and just see what would happen. if it’d be any different.

But back to the self-centeredness. I was completely shocked at myself that I had said this so easily. I wasn’t trying to make it softer or even say that being self-centered was understandable. And they shook their heads in full on agreement and told me that I was the one who made sense. The woman explored her own continued examination, that even when you try to understand the why behind what you do what you do, that is still focused on yourself and your own experience. Yes, exactly.

So what then is change? Change is to focus on the experience of the other person. What they were feeling. What they were thinking. And to eliminate the self-interpretation. It sounds so harsh though and I don’t know if there is softer or better way to say it. There’s nothing to defend when this is not about you. There’s nothing to be threatened when you are not even there, when your self is not in the way. It’s like a miracle undoing for all human relationships, this profound “other” orientation.

Tonight we went to the Wednesday evening discipleship classes. We’ve been talking about going and other nights it just hasn’t worked out. They have something for all ages including two adult studies. One is on the Book of Concord and the other is on the book of Ephesians. They have an Evening Prayer service beforehand which I did not feel like going to since I had just come home from work and needed some down time before turning around to drive back into town. I was excited to go.

I thought Josh was going to be in the Bible class but he was in the Book of Concord class. I looked around to find the Ephesians room and it was just the pastor and one other guy in there. He said they usually have about six or seven but they were missing a lot of people. I had this flashback of my grandpa with his Bible open and with another man also with his. I felt like I was intruding on some time they needed to have so I told them I would let them have their special time.

So then I went into the room where they have the services. I had to curb my disappointment that I wasn’t going to the Bible class. I sat down next to Josh and the teacher was in the middle of explaining one of the sections. I tried multiple times to pay attention but it was like I couldn’t keep from zoning out. There were twenty people in the class not including the teacher. I couldn’t understand what the big deal was but I gave the teacher credit for his smartness and earnestness.

Somewhere the hornet’s nest got stirred up and it became this whole fiasco. I was searching and filling out apartment applications and he was reaching out to a pastors Facebook group asking for prayers for his family because his wife had said she wanted to leave him. Suddenly three of my sons were trying to talk sense and inspiring words to me including one typing me paragraphs. Our history of dealing with this is so long and extensive, it can seem like there really aren’t any more options.

But anyway, all of that settled.

We woke up in Seward after driving to Nebraska after the meet to see Laura and Lila. It’d been three whole weeks since we’d seen her and she had doubled in age. She doesn’t fit on my lap anymore to do the lap photos I was doing at first. We hung out in the evening at Ethan and Laura’s apartment. We’d had sandwiches in the car after stopping by Hyvee and buying some supplies. I’d made a Walmart order the day before so we picked up that to have the ingredients to make supper.

It didn’t feel like I saw Lila that much. I held her while everyone ate and then switched for eating and clean up. Everyone was tired so we didn’t stay too long past 8. Something I remember is how important it is to have that nuclear family time. When I want to help Laura and do things for her this is one of the things I am able to do. Extended family time is good but you also need that time to connect especially after the stretch of a long day.

Dad, the boys, and I went back to the motel room. I don’t even remember what we did, if there was a baseball game on, I know some people went out and walked. I’m pretty sure I went to bed. This time we had a couch so there enough beds for everyone. It was still the same lady checking us in and making us breakfast in the morning. Last time when I stayed there she was opening the rooms and clearing out garbage. I almost wish that I could help her and have a little business like this.

If it wasn’t so far away I would do it. We went to early service and sat in the left back pews like last time. The choir wasn’t singing so it wasn’t nearly as crowded. Ethan and Laura found us and Lila was awake in her infant seat. Laura asked if I wanted to hold her since she was awake. I definitely did. She was awake but kind of fussy so I took her out to the back of the church and into the hallway and common areas. She has this grumpy face when she’s tired and uncomfortable but still looking around.

So I got to spend more time with her then and it made it feel like I had gotten my time with her. It was the time we needed to get acquainted and make some memories. I wrapped her up in her blanket and experimented with different ways of holding her. Laura had said it was okay to take her out. She liked to be walking more than sitting but once she was officially asleep it was okay to go in and sit back down with her. We sang a song in church and I listened to them sing and it was beautiful.

Today was a very long day after a very long day the before of driving. Ethan had a meet in Sioux Center Iowa. It took about 8 hours before you counted the various stops. We left around noon since once of the boys had to go to school for a work day he couldn’t skip. It was a long day of crossing states and zig zagging up to the town. We managed to find a room with two queen beds which meant one of the boys had to volunteer to sleep on the floor. Everyone went to bed fairly early.

I told the boys it wasn’t an official road trip unless you’re scrounging and getting by at some point. So we brought our homemade sandwiches using the camp leftovers from the various meals they’d had that week. For supper we ordered Casey’s pizza and picked it up long enough to use the bathroom, buy napkins, and get back into the car. So that was actually not too bad and it’s a break from the money spending on fast food. The next morning we ate from the hotel breakfast.

The races were divided into a Gold division and Black division. The Gold race has the top ten runners from each team and the Black division race had everybody else. It keeps the course from becoming too crowded. Ethan had a strategy to not use his watch and just try to keep up with the front place runners from his team. He ended up getting first on his team out of almost twenty runners. It was the fastest time and highest place he’s ever had so that was special to be able to see.