“‘Shall I bring to the point of birth and not cause to bring forth?’ says the LORD; ‘Shall I, who cause to bring forth, shut the womb?’, says your God.”
~Isaiah 66:9~

After a while the womb can become hostile and no longer provides the conditions necessary to sustain life. Essentially, the time expires. I am certain that God does not need me to explain this to him. Or that the longer the baby stays in there the bigger the baby gets before inevitably having to pass through a very narrow path to the world. And for this to happen involves, okay, he knows all of this.

This whole thing is starting to get me more deeply anxious and yearning, like I just want the process to be over and to have mother and baby having been safely brought through it.

The boys had their opening meet in Clinton tonight. We took two vehicles. Dad and the boys went early since they had to be there approximately two hours before race time. Elianna was working in the kitchen so after she was done with that then she and I plus Miles and the littlest rode over and arrived about a half hour before the boys’ race. This invitational has grown significantly since the last time I was here three years ago, having missed the others because I was working or likely too tired.

The boys did great again, this time each shaving off 74-77 seconds from the race they ran a month ago. The younger one shocked everyone by running sub-17 and placing third on the team over the two seniors, including his older brother. Both of the boys have beat out their oldest brother’s high school xc PR now. He had a race this morning as well and did not do what I know he can do but just can’t seem to unlock for some reason. He’s got five scheduled races left in his college running days.

The night had perfect running conditions. I’ve decided to keep with the memory making and see if I can figure out how to make capcut videos of the meet and running footage. It doesn’t have to be fancy. Before the meet I had taken two afternoon naps, the first being ineffective but the second really helping. The family is attending a Cardinals game in St. Louis on Sunday afternoon. I have to save my energy for whenever it is this baby comes. It was incredible and wonderful to have the energy for tonight.

I saw the baby deer over by the indoor chapel this evening. There are three of them that have been hanging out together for months. They are just about the cutest things and I always say, “Hi babies” when I see them. Today they didn’t run away until I got to the edge of the grass. I’ve been trying to walk at least once a day but just cannot seem to move much more than that. I am grateful to have gotten through this week without having to cancel any sessions or call off any work days.

Today I had a man confess romantic feelings for me. For some reason I was not surprised. They talk about how we are supposed to handle this in school. You’re supposed to, as always, be understanding and under no conditions shame them for it. This is supposed to be one of those opportunities where you can work in the here and now and explore their emotions, to ask more about how his analytical side says one thing and his emotional side says another.

We haven’t seen the kittens around for over a week now. I suspect they have moved on to other grounds off of camp. The other gray and white cat has been around more recently and was found sleeping on our deck on one of the mornings. He was fed a couple of times but it has been a couple of days now.

Something has wounded me at work and I don’t know how to explain it. It started with a couple who had a very emotional session at the beginning of the summer. There was a plan for next steps including a visit again in two weeks. When that time came the appointment was cancelled. I waited a little while before reaching out to them both, eventually two times via email. As time went on I reached out to him via text as the listed client in the records. Then via text I reached out to her.

I have a text line specifically for work correspondence. None of those times produced any response. Nothing to say they were not coming back. Nothing to update me on the outcome of this particular situation. Nothing to provide me any feedback on what had or had not happened. And all summer long I’ve had repeated versions of this in one form or another, a steady trickle of disappearances slowly wearing away invested parts of my heart and soul. So I don’t know. I can’t keep going like this.

I’ve changed the way I do my intakes. When we get to the informed consent section where we say that having a good fit and feeling comfortable with your therapist are important parts of the process, and when we tell them that they are always able to end at any time or leave or request to find a different therapist, I now say that we just ask if you’re going to do that you let me know and communicate with me your intentions. I know this is a job but I say that we are also people too.

So we’ll see if that helps. I never did feel like individual therapy was my strong suit but I do still feel the calling with couples to get better though the thought right now makes me feel slightly down and physically ill. I want to keep moving on from the severed ties with the former supervisor and throw up the toxicity that was my mind hooked on him. I almost asked him to explain to me why he didn’t hire me last summer and blindsided me instead with another girl. I knew then that wound was fatal.

And it is a similar feeling now. Like I am stumbling along and will be able to last a little longer. But something about the summer, with other things, has made an irreversible and lasting altering. It’s pretty to awful to think that this can happen with people in therapy too. I do not want to wound people, and I am not talking about those kind of necessary wounds that we all must experience if we’re ever to walk straight again. I mean things that hurt people in ways that didn’t have to happen.

No baby tonight. I’m trying not to be a pain bugging Laura about it but I told her maybe bathing in the moonlight would help. She was already out for a walk as well but their moonrise is later than ours so she couldn’t yet see it. I still have very little energy these days so I have enough to go to work and that is about it. I am trying to rest up for the eventual traveling and thankfully have been getting good sleep.

The Lutheran High School sent out an email that they received a $6 million gift from one of the local churches. Me and my negative mind, my first thought when I read the amount was “that’s it?” I don’t know all of the exact details, but somewhere around 20 years or so ago a man donated money to a church to be used to build a school there. We’ve known about this money since college because it’s been tied up in a specialized fund that hasn’t been able to be used for anything else.

So it’s just been building up interest all this time. I know they have at least double that but I’m trying to see this as a positive thing. I can’t even imagine all the money that is just sitting out there. But anyway that was something. The boys had a parent youth group meeting tonight so came home from practice, ate supper, and turned around toward Auburn. My son and I went for a short walk and talked.

Today was the first day of school for the boys. Their grades are 12th, 10th, and 8th this year. The older boys left around 7:20 to be there a little earlier with it being the first day. After they left Elianna started packing her bags and car to head back to my mother-in-law’s house. Before she left Josh and I sat down with her and talked about something that had been on our minds. We told her if she decides at some point that she wants to go to school somewhere that we would keep keep Zorro here so she’d be more able to do that.

My son and I did our homeschool things for the rest of the morning. I plan to work with him or next to him on the days I am here. This year the subject I am doing with him is reading. I bought the workbooks to also go through the 8th grade reader Where Roads Diverge.

This morning the story was about a boy who went out with his dog to clear brush and trails. He was bit by a rattlesnake when he reached out his arm to block the snake from biting his dog. He had just had a conversation with an older male character who had taught him to cut his arm and suck out the venom if he or his dog would ever get bit by a snake.

We haven’t had a chance to discuss the story. It ended by the boy telling the man he didn’t want to go out again to where the brook was because of the snakes. But the man told him he couldn’t let his fear get control of him. It made me pause because I didn’t know if the boy was being fearful or simply learning or becoming wiser because of his experiences. So the man wouldn’t let the boy be afraid and they were going to go out again the next day and clear out the snake den.

The other part of the lesson started with reading Robert Frost’s poem The Road *Not Taken*. One of the questions asked if we thought the sigh at the end of the poem was a sigh of regret or a sigh of pleasure. I had to go back and read it again. I ultimately decided that it was a sigh of relief after having looked into the future and believing that he would ultimately come to a place of seeing that the outcome and destination of the road he took would be worth it.

My mind has shifted with the baby stuff to getting through the rest of the week. I have a full three days of client sessions and after that then the baby can come. I know it isn’t up to me at all but I do feel like I’ve settled in to being able to think about something else and have it feel like if it happens next week that is not that far away. My laundry is caught up and the groceries are purchased.

Tonight we watched The Princess Bride. We’ve had this planned for a couple of days wanting to make sure we do it before school starts. Last night it was too late to start a movie and I was not in the mood so I asked if we could switch to tonight. Instead I watched a Stevie Nicks/Fleetwood Mac documentary. She seems to have had a really sad life and they used a lot of drugs.

Josh and the kids think The Princess Bride is great. They insisted I try to watch it again. I tried to explain that I don’t really like it because for some reason I can’t take the movie seriously. Something about it seems like a joke. I tried to have an open mind, but in the end my opinion remained largely the same and I gave it a 5/10. It did serve the purpose though of having us spent time together.

My grandma used to tell me that I had the spiritual gifts of giving and mercy. It never occurred to me to ask her how she knew this. She was one of those people who seemed knowledgeable and spiritual so I just trusted her. Later I figured out she must have at one point been exposed to and become familiar with one of those spiritual gifts tests that people sometimes work through in church as a study or a group activity. For a long time I wondered why Lutherans don’t do those things.

I know some of them do, but in general it isn’t really a thing. I don’t really wonder that anymore either. But today in church the Epistle reading was from Romans 12 and the part where it talks about the body of Christ and the different functions that we have as members. I thought of my grandma again when we got to the part where it says, “…the one who does acts of mercy, with cheerfulness (Romans 12:8).” That’s not the first time I’ve thought of her there.

After church we stopped by County Market to get food. We’re still doing our diet but have still been having some cheat times. The afternoon was spent with everyone doing their own thing and enjoying the beautiful day with the windows open. I’ve been meeting with each of the kids to have a “state of your life” meeting, for wanting to know what is going on and discussing things. Elianna told one of her former teachers in church this morning that she quit school when the teacher asked how school was going.

I told her that was good. She might as well just rip the bandaid off and say it. I haven’t had her meeting yet but the boys are all done. The biggest thing for me seems to be making sure there is food in the house for breakfast and lunch and also keeping up with supper. Elianna went to the store again and got food for the week so that was nice. Because it was so nice, the kids played baseball outside while Dad and I walked and sat on the picnic table waiting for Ethan and Laura.

We had made plans to talk in the evening. So then we went back inside and called them. Realistically it could still be a week and a half before the baby comes. I can’t even fathom that long of a wait. She wasn’t going to go to school in person but since the baby isn’t here she is going to go for the first few days. She said she’s cleaned the house for the last time she doesn’t know how many times. I told them I would text them a first day of school text tomorrow so that will keep me busy for a short while.

Today was a productive day of rest and leisure. In addition to those things we also worked on some normal house things. I spent the afternoon still trying to tidy our room. I started in one corner and hung up all of my clothes that I was keeping. Several items I finally decided to part with since they were pieces I didn’t like or wear often enough. I found two dresses from China that I’d ordered from Amazon when I was trying to find a dress to wear for Ethan’s wedding. They’d never been opened.

I finally tried them on just to see. The one I wore was definitely better. So I hung both of those up to donate to Goodwill sometime. I got about halfway through the room including the laundry. I wanted to make sure I had underwear and all of my clothes clean to be ready to go to Nebraska. I found a Gottman therapy I’d printed off when I took my class but had never done anything with it. So I took the hole puncher and found a 3-ring binder and put that together in an orderly fashion.

We went to the bike trail again before supper. I hadn’t much energy to walk and needed to stop once to rest. After supper we moved our television downstairs to turn the basement into the tv area. The idea was that there was more room for us to have evening time together where we could also work on our projects or other things if we wanted. I folded laundry and we all spread out on the couch and the carpet. I feel it’s good to go back to the basics and have an attitude of gratitude.

It was another busy week, or full one at least. The kids would likely not agree. They haven’t had much to do other than start with their cross country practices. Most of the area schools have started back up but for some reason ours doesn’t start until Tuesday. I’d planned to swim the lake with Elianna after work but got home and had to cut that plan out in order to rest in bed for four hours before we went to the Muni again to redeem our unused tickets. It was the last Lion King show.

They did great. We also sat with Laura’s parents and ate supper with them beforehand. I had learned from a client in a session the day before that the junior shows (kids only cast) were only an hour and a half long instead of close to three. The one we were seeing was a junior show, so all of the adults were incredibly excited and relieved to hear that. We had some time to visit and continue to wait for any baby happenings. Laura was hoping she’d be born before school starts Monday.

I’m starting to pray now that the baby comes soon. It’s so hard to wait for them. She’s not even due until Wednesday but your mind has this way of convincing itself that she could really be born any time now starting several weeks ago. On the way to the Muni we found out that my sister was officially miscarrying her baby. So we turned off the Cardinals game and rode there the rest of the time in the somber quiet. On the way home we talked about the show and all it’s interesting parts.