I talked to my supervisor about leaving Hope. I feel relieved and kind of excited about it. This really isn’t anything against them. I’m seeing this more as a consolidation. If I’m dreaming really big I see it as a way of also freeing up time to be able to watch Lila if she ever moves back here. Ethan has gotten an email from the Lutheran High principal as well as an inquiry from one of the local Lutheran grade schools. Over the winter as things are building I could keep cleaning the house.

So if I’m leaving at the end of the year I need to get him a resignation letter and start to make a transition plan. The only thing he asked is that I did try to direct at least some clients back to in-house counselors. So now I have to deal with telling everyone else but that will have to come with time. This was one of my later work evenings so I did not go to discipleship tonight but did get to FaceTime with Lila. She slept for almost eight hours last night and is doing well so far at school.

They have eight different people helping to watch her during Laura’s different classes. They take turns sitting with her or pushing her in the stroller. So far she hasn’t had to use her bottle. We’ve heard from my sister a few times who is down in Cancun for her honeymoon. We had to start a whole separate chat without her so that we could keep talking without bothering her. The trees are not as bright this year but they’re still pretty and turning colors and that’s all that really matters.

Today I saw two teenage girls at my other job. I have really been itching to talk to my supervisor and tell him that I am officially wanting to leave Hope. More flexibility. More money. More time for me to have with people who I care about. One of the girls I see always hates being there at first. I have had to get past my stubbornness to not want to play games and the idea that therapy is a waste if we are not somehow actively doing something more therapy-like. There a lot of kids who need help.

She tells me I need to get fidgets and squishies. I still have so many ideas for an office. It’s the equivalent of setting up a classroom. You know where things are and everything has an intended purpose and use. Both of the girls like being on the floor which is a welcome change from the constant adult sitting. Everybody needs to be moving more, but baby steps.

I’m really trying to foster contentment and not be moving around like this all the time. It’s like the stone needs to be rolled back in front of the mind cave so that there is no way to get back in. The mind cave is where I went because it was just easier to die in there. But now I like leaning against the stone instead of needing to go all the way in. I can still rest there, but without anything to fall into, and the sun is still there and the hard ground which I like because it’s solid and holds me up.

With every family event like this, life becomes a little more real. It’s amazing how God constructs a life and a heart so that they can be satisfied. It doesn’t take much and yet the abundance is everywhere.

We arrived home sometime around and before 8pm. After hotel checkout we drove over toward Rockford where my sister’s son was having a birthday party at an outdoor park place. It was a nice time and again the weather was comfortable and beautiful for a late October day. We played a round of mini-golf which was a nice recovery activity after a long and busy day the day before. We took turns riding on the go-karts which was also very fun. We had pizza again on the way home.

The wedding was just one of those things where there was just too much there to even begin to write about it. We were soaking in the moments and enjoying the people and surroundings. My sister’s now husband comes from a wealthier family and they were in charge of putting on the reception. There are such things as fancy receptions. Now all of a sudden I’m regretting that I did not do more to help my daughter get ready. I didn’t even care myself. I just put my dress on, tried to shape my eyebrows just a tad, brushed my cheeks and that was it. It just wasn’t a big deal.

We were not the main people. Like, just because people have natural beauty doesn’t mean it’s not still fun or good to try to make that beauty stand out, not even for the sake of other people seeing or noticing, but just to be true to who you most are. But anyway the wedding was truly beautiful and the reception very fun and just a lovely time. It seems like the more life you live the more time you want for the things in life that truly matter, like spending time with the people you care about.

We partied into the night, or at least until the time of day was officially almost over. The whole day leading up to it seems like almost a blur now except I did just remember. I told everyone I was not going to be able to visit or be social until I’d gotten through the morning cross country races. Dad and the boys were in Williamsville and Ethan was running his cross country meet in Ashland, Nebraska. I knew this was supposed to be his final cross country meet for his college career.

I guess this entire time he had been trying to make conference. In order to do that you need to be in the top ten. He finished 11th again after beating out one of the regular top ten runners. But one of the teammates who has been battling with an injury this year did really well after several races of dying out. He finished even before Vaughn and so that put Ethan back at 11. I don’t think he is seeing how much of an accomplishment this is after so many times of finishing in such other places.

So coach told him that it was between him and another guy for alternate and he went with the other guy because the other one has consistently scored in the top ten the whole season. To me I think this is great, but…anyway the boys did well at regionals and advanced to sectionals next weekend. Both of the boys had PR’s, one by 13 seconds and the other by almost 40. They again finished very close together, this time being only four tenths of a second apart. Elianna and I watched both races.