Today was the first day I’ve ever been chewed out by a patient. I’m not sure if chewed out is the right term. It was more like a laying into about her anger and extreme displeasure regarding something I would not do. I went out into the office area to ask if the interim supervisor was available. She was not in today. I asked if any other counselor was open at this time to see if I could find someone else to come in and be a witness. One of the office women went and got one of the other managers.

I felt like she had seen my deep distress and gotten help. So I was grateful for that. It’s too much to go into but basically I felt like I was caught inside an ethical dilemma. This woman has caused me to tear up one other time in a one-on-one session because she is the only person I’ve ever worked with to this point who possess zero insight into her own flaws. If you can’t see your flaws…I didn’t even know how to handle that.

So that was extremely disturbing. Before our sessions she asks me to pray so I do and did this time too. With her I always ask that the Holy Spirit would guide our sessions. So I know too that he was helping me to be peaceful and loving during the time with her. She had also brought her husband unexpectedly. I had to keep going and do an intake after that and then another individual session. The angry woman ended up leaving early and I think I’ve decided to tell her I’m not going to see her anymore.

I suppose it doesn’t do
any good
to keep writing

I know it does
as much as
I hate it sometimes

Hate is such a strong
word and I cringe
when I hear it

I missed you today
and somewhere fooled
myself to thinking

to being sure
in fact that you
missed me too

Not all couples come to therapy in crisis. Many have just simply gotten snagged on a pain point or fighting pattern that they’ve been unable to move past together. Sometimes I am just there as an overseer to make sure things don’t get out of control and to add my two cents here and there as they’re going. The experience of being able to talk things out can be healing. Today I sat in awe of these four sets of human lovers who truly have so much love, desire, and ability to work things out.

And boy did it stir things up in me. I came home and wanted again to put all of my clouded thoughts behind me. To connect as we are meant to because despite the suffering and difficulties, like so many others, we can’t not be together.

There is a meet in Beardstown tonight that won’t get over till late. It doesn’t feel like I have energy right now for another one, and I know we don’t have to go. There’s a bigger one on Friday that I’ve already taken off some of work for. The one on Thursday I said I was going to have to miss. You hate to say anything to these coaches who are more or less volunteering their time that the schedule they’re putting out is too much. I honestly don’t understand how people have the energy for this.

I was at Thrive again this morning and the people there are doing better. The one finally got back to a place of 10 days sober which took another trip the emergency room to get there. Realistically I can’t see how I could add a fourth day of doing the counseling work. When I do not get the recovery time it feels like too much to be with this many people. I know things can change and have been changing. I still don’t understand why I feel like this even when I am seemingly not doing very much.

I was thinking during a session that you really have to be mentally astute to be a counselor. It was kind of affirming to realize that. I do pray every day that God would help me to be keen. When I do remember the place where I was at several years ago it does seem unfathomable that I can even do this much. So I really do have to remember that.

Elianna sent me pictures of Zorro playing in the creek. We had some down pours throughout the day and the creek had turned into a wide lagoon of running water. I was both impressed by the pictures and the pops of water and color, and also worried that Zorro was going to be carried away by the currents. I saw the video where she called to him when he got too close to the deep part. He swims in the lake but I don’t know how different it is for dogs when the water can be deceiving.

We were on our way home from having dinner with the Trinity pastor and his wife. It’s a long story but after several weeks of trying to work out details we finally had a plan to meet for a camp tour and then drive back into town to eat Cancun. We scratched the camp tour because it was also downpouring and very dark at our house. There was running water on multiple places along the road and the poor farmers are probably going to have to replant. They were already inside.

The four of us were the only ones there. Our phones started going off with tornado warnings and everyone needed to do a check on their kids. They had one at home and another at play practice. It was a nice time and we were there for about two and a half hours. We talked about a lot of things beginning with the stories of how we met.

Earlier in the day I was sitting in the Thrive parking lot waiting for the supervisor. We were supposed to meet at 10 and I thought I had given him plenty of time to be late. But at 9:52 he texted saying he was running way late. The storms had made his power go out and his alarm had not gone off so he had just woke up. I wasn’t going to be exactly on time but I was arriving pretty close so I decided to go to McDonalds and get a coffee to warm mine up. I sat in the storms and wrote in my journal.

By 10:24 or something like that he was pulling in. I had texted him last about wanting to talk about what it would look like to be more on board with this somatic stuff I am wanting to try. He recently went and looked at small office several blocks down. Group has shut down and that has given him a lot more time. I told him if he officially decides at some point he is going to move locations and close down the business there could he please let me know so it is not a surprise? That’d be it for me.

We went to late service this morning. Our friend Danny is looking for a different place to go to church so we picked him up so he could try out Trinity. He said he gave it an A+. They had a guest preacher today so I didn’t pay as close attention. He did have a part where he was talking about Jesus calling Lazarus out of the grave and I had actual chills listening and imagining what that would have been like and inwardly rejoicing in Jesus’ power. I’m so glad that Jesus is able to do that.

I made two solid meals for Dad and the boys today. They’re all kind of tired and worn out from the meets. For two and a half months our minds are focused on track so we entertain the ideas of how state could happen and who could go in this relay and the thoughts are different depending on who the person is thinking them. It used to bother me more but now I’ve learned this is part of it. I try to tell them that they don’t need to PR every time and that even being able to run the same time but have it be easier would be considered improvement.

It was a nice Sunday resting. There were walks outside and the boys playing chess and grown ups taking naps. It wasn’t quite warm enough to swim. I feel like it’s going to be harder to get in the water this year because it seems like each year I am more afraid of the animals. I used to imagine a cheetah or a jaguar or something with its head swimming toward me. This time I’m worried about the beavers that are the length of a six foot man. Even the swimming seems far away sometimes.

It’s been great not having to worry about school. I didn’t feel like it was super stressful but I didn’t realize how much time it was taking up in my life. My online somatic class is finished and the certificate is in the mail. I used to think and dream up what I could do to go back for more school. But I don’t even have the faintest desire right now. What I want to do right now is putting the things I have learned into use. More school right now would only be a way to avoid any movement forward.

It is weird though because it some ways it feels like I haven’t any goals. With nothing to actively work on what am I supposed to do to keep busy? There’s a part of my brain that feels so fried and I don’t know if it’s from doing the school, or social media, or just being a dull person with not much to write or think about. Social media is pretty boring to me and I don’t really spend that much time reading.

Like I said, I have taken in a lot, I am ready to process it and use it. I feel like I am getting to do that now with my job. A lot of it is simply being brave enough to try.

The boys had a meet in Rochester tonight. Judah was running in the 4×8 at 5 o’clock so we left a little after 4 to be there in time to park, pay, and find our seats. The relay team was running their 4×4 boys to try and break the school 4×8 record. The one who can run anything had not yet run an 800 during this season and he ended up running a 2 minute split. The other boys did well too and they were able to get the record by 8 seconds with an 8:42. The four of them also ran the 4×2 and 4×4.

John ran the mile and 800 and had big PR’s in both. I think the mile was 5:10 and the 800 was 2:21. He said during the third lap he heard Roger the coach yell out at him “John! You got more!” and so he thought about it and ran faster. This meet is huge and I have heard has somewhere between 20-30 teams. The Auburn boys were there and won the 4×8 at 8:13. Nobody was surprised. They also won the 4×4 with a meet record of 3:22 something. Our boys got 4th with a PR of 3:33 something.

The meet was over at 10PM. There’s a set of parents who have a freshman boy and they are always there to watch him run. They used to leave when he was done running but I can tell they are starting to catch the bug and have been staying for the rest of the meets now. It really is something fun that people get into. His dad is always cheering for him whenever he runs by. Something about that makes me emotional to see and hear. I still got to cuddle with one under a blanket toward the end.

Because it was so long I liked to walk around from time to time. I found Elianna at the camp and so sat with her for a little while. I had video recorded the 4×8 so she watched it while we were sitting there. Ethan had a meet at the same time so that’s why I videoed instead of Facetimed. Another time walking by I watched his 800 run with John and Judah and he didn’t do as well as the last time. I took turns stopping by the camp and then they would come up to the stands and sit for a while.

One of the really fast Auburn boys does not have a dad. His mom was in the military and came back pregnant without a father. He came up and sat close to where we were sitting and leaned up against his mom. I wondered if he ever wonders what his dad would think of him. His mom is another who is always there. One of the boys came and sat with me while I was in my solitary filming station. He’d heard I had videos. At least I think that’s why he came up. I rubbed his back and lungs a few times.

The man came in and hadn’t done his homework. This is what he does, his wife explained. She tried to talk to him about it one night which resulted in him turning over and going to sleep without a word. About the homework, naturally I wondered, “Why didn’t you do it?” and I asked him. He looked at me and answered with a cold stare, “No excuse”. I thought it was an interesting choice of words. I could understand having no pathetic statement of explanation that would make it okay.

But what was your reason? Why was it hard for you to check in with your wife? These couples have me stumped at times. Because on one hand I feel the urgency and the pent up anger from too many years of not enough. And then there is him who can hardly emotionally function. So the first issue has to be tabled because the one will not be fixed without first dealing with and addressing the other. In the back of my mind it seems unfair because her issue and pain is the reason they’re there.

Not always. Sometimes it’s the man who said maybe we need to talk to someone. For one couple she’d been asking for ten years and then more intensely asking for five years. I have to get over that fear of her thinking, “Why is this suddenly all about him? About his emotions and pain when I’m the one who’s been suffering? When I’m the one who’s been wronged here?” And I have to be careful not to favor and start to get lost in too much deepness. I wonder what traumatized men so much.

They say you’re supposed to ask for what you need when it comes to your partner. I like the word partner better than spouse which I have explained at least once before I remember several years ago. It can feel kind of degrading wondering why I still am even having to ask. But here goes nothing so I just went for it in the morning when I was out for a walk and thinking about who knows what all else. “Can you be mindful of my emotional needs as things shift again? My heart needs to be fed.”

It’s against the better wisdom to try to communicate deeper or harder things over text, which is hard for me because it helps to write it. But anyway that all went well and by 9:15 I was out the door. I’ve been feeling really emotional since everything at conference, or maybe the emotional things lined up with the races. I had four couples today plus two individual sessions. I keep wanting to narrow things down more and more, to have a takeaway I can say and say and they can remember.

“Present and kind”, that is the goal. Through the discomfort, through the discussions, and practicing that again and again until it starts to feel better. Today with the couples we did a lot of practicing and using what was coming up in real time. I think this is the kind of emotional processing that I wasn’t quite getting to in my internship videos. To be fair it does seem easier to get there with two people where you know that the emotions and internal experience is so much of what is going on.

I have to say when I envisioned doing couples I was picturing Christian couples who were married. That would be about half of them. The other ones are non-Christian, some not even married and are still pretty young. Some of these things are just universal like the woman wanting to feel like she is loved and a priority. And the man saying something like, “empathy is hard for me”. But the amazing thing is is that they do open up. And sometimes very rarely there’s a departure from the patterns.

I emailed the boys and texted Ethan about conference and texted Josh on my lunch break to see how the day was. I usually do that because I’m missing them both. They had lunch for the staff today so that was nice because I didn’t have to pack anything. I miss the homeschooling and am feeling that continued growing and separation but he’s still doing well and our thing right now is playing chess. I’m still learning. My rooks keep getting sniped by bishops from all the way across the board.