The man came in and hadn’t done his homework. This is what he does, his wife explained. She tried to talk to him about it one night which resulted in him turning over and going to sleep without a word. About the homework, naturally I wondered, “Why didn’t you do it?” and I asked him. He looked at me and answered with a cold stare, “No excuse”. I thought it was an interesting choice of words. I could understand having no pathetic statement of explanation that would make it okay.

But what was your reason? Why was it hard for you to check in with your wife? These couples have me stumped at times. Because on one hand I feel the urgency and the pent up anger from too many years of not enough. And then there is him who can hardly emotionally function. So the first issue has to be tabled because the one will not be fixed without first dealing with and addressing the other. In the back of my mind it seems unfair because her issue and pain is the reason they’re there.

Not always. Sometimes it’s the man who said maybe we need to talk to someone. For one couple she’d been asking for ten years and then more intensely asking for five years. I have to get over that fear of her thinking, “Why is this suddenly all about him? About his emotions and pain when I’m the one who’s been suffering? When I’m the one who’s been wronged here?” And I have to be careful not to favor and start to get lost in too much deepness. I wonder what traumatized men so much.

They say you’re supposed to ask for what you need when it comes to your partner. I like the word partner better than spouse which I have explained at least once before I remember several years ago. It can feel kind of degrading wondering why I still am even having to ask. But here goes nothing so I just went for it in the morning when I was out for a walk and thinking about who knows what all else. “Can you be mindful of my emotional needs as things shift again? My heart needs to be fed.”

It’s against the better wisdom to try to communicate deeper or harder things over text, which is hard for me because it helps to write it. But anyway that all went well and by 9:15 I was out the door. I’ve been feeling really emotional since everything at conference, or maybe the emotional things lined up with the races. I had four couples today plus two individual sessions. I keep wanting to narrow things down more and more, to have a takeaway I can say and say and they can remember.

“Present and kind”, that is the goal. Through the discomfort, through the discussions, and practicing that again and again until it starts to feel better. Today with the couples we did a lot of practicing and using what was coming up in real time. I think this is the kind of emotional processing that I wasn’t quite getting to in my internship videos. To be fair it does seem easier to get there with two people where you know that the emotions and internal experience is so much of what is going on.

I have to say when I envisioned doing couples I was picturing Christian couples who were married. That would be about half of them. The other ones are non-Christian, some not even married and are still pretty young. Some of these things are just universal like the woman wanting to feel like she is loved and a priority. And the man saying something like, “empathy is hard for me”. But the amazing thing is is that they do open up. And sometimes very rarely there’s a departure from the patterns.

I emailed the boys and texted Ethan about conference and texted Josh on my lunch break to see how the day was. I usually do that because I’m missing them both. They had lunch for the staff today so that was nice because I didn’t have to pack anything. I miss the homeschooling and am feeling that continued growing and separation but he’s still doing well and our thing right now is playing chess. I’m still learning. My rooks keep getting sniped by bishops from all the way across the board.

The boys weren’t quite able to pull out a win at conference. They were definitely close. Ultimately it came down to a few things that they needed to go well but didn’t, basically the former track runner they’ve recruited a few times to be able to run two relays and two sprints. He sprained his hamstring in the first 4×1 so he was out after that. The other former teammate they recruited to come run did do really well and it was fun to see him run again. From “couch to track” his mom and grandma said.

The guy who ran the 49 last week is good in any event you put him in. He tried the 300M hurdles for the first time last week to see if he could do it and he won by what looked like 50 meters and was only a second off of the state qualifying time. So he ran both hurdle races today, plus did long jump and triple jump and won every event. He could’ve been in any event and won which is so amazing to me. I just love seeing those people that God has blessed with incredible talent and special abilities.

Our boys did good in their events. Judah won his 800, got third in the 400, and they won in the 4×400. John had a great leg in the 4×8 and the three first runners were able to get enough of a lead so that Judah was able to comfortably run at the end and save energy. So they won that. John also got fourth in the 3200 out of five runners which is what he needed to do to earn points and keep the team who eventually won at bay. Our other 2 miler stayed with the two lead guys and won that race.

They lost by 33 points, 18 of those were because the winners had the only pole vaulters which scored them 18 points. So all in all I thought they did really well and even though they didn’t win they all did great. I forgot to mention that our runner who won the 2 mile also also got second in the mile after getting beat at the very end. Another freshman and runner in our 4×8 also got fourth. By the time the meet was over it was close to 9PM. They all still seemed to be in good and decent spirits

We packed up Grandma’s car and then Josh, myself, and the youngest drove home in the dark. For the second time in three days we were almost side swiped on the interstate when a car was changing lanes and we were apparently in their blind spot. They half hour ride went fairly quick and Dad pulled into the McDonalds drive-way. I didn’t want anything but our son did. My mood dipped a bit from McDonalds to home and I was quiet and sad. I went to bed and Dad waited up for the boys.

We left Seward a little before 8 in the morning. Ethan and Laura had to get to class and we wanted to get on the road. It was an uneventful drive back with the boys and I taking several period of time to sleep and/or rest. I didn’t sleep in the car but moved to the back seat to have a different posture for a while. Once we were home I did finally sleep. The boys went to practice and Josh made supper even after we’d stopped at Hardees for lunch in the afternoon. We did end up being hungry again.

I’m not sure how we’re already over halfway through April. That’s almost halfway through the year even though I feel like we just started. At this point I just feel like it’s going to be summer before I’m moving again. This job has increased my need for walks while also decreasing the time I have to take them. And then the energy has to be there. It’s just always in the back of my mind that seasons are more rapidly now becoming years. I need my hips and knees to hopefully keep working for a while.

Ethan and Laura are supposed to be moving back in less than a month. We have worked down there but it is nowhere near ready in terms of hosting a pregnant daughter-in-law. Elianna is moving back too to work at camp. There aren’t a lot of set ups these days where you encounter situations that maintain the feel of a family business. That’s not what we are, but it does take the family to run it, or at least we all participate somehow. The trees and grass seem extra green this year. Very pretty.

We got into Seward a little after 4pm yesterday. We stopped by Walmart to pick up food to make supper and then headed over to Ethan and Laura’s apartment. Two of the boys had never been there. They played chess while Dad and I and Laura made food. After supper we went to the campus to play frisbee where the boys could run around more. I kept thinking that Zorro would’ve loved to be here for this. We dropped the boys back off at the apartment and then retired for the night.

We met everyone at church in the morning. They had a pretty full service and I’ve always thought this church was busy and large, which it is. Somewhere around the prayers, which is where I always start to feel this, I was thinking how do people do this every Sunday with hardly any variation or chance to talk about anything that is going on in your life. I had this feeling like why am I Lutheran and how have I been Lutheran so long? Josh must have sensed my distress because I looked over at him and he put his arm around me until the prayers ended.

Ethan had his meet and we left from here around 4. We’re so used to these track meets that they really don’t seem boring at all to me anymore. You can just kind of zone out and enjoy the weather while watching the events. It was a great day for running with comfortable temperatures and low wind. Elianna wanted to Facetime so I did that with her. Ethan was in a heat with the fast guys so his first lap strategy was to stay with them. By the last 100 he said it was just to keep a pulse.

I don’t know how I’ve not learned this lesson but this afternoon I was sitting on the couch and said I should probably make a reservation. He said that would probably be good. So I looked up the motel we like and they didn’t have any vacancies for the dates I put in. I looked up another one and they didn’t either. I called the lady at the bed and breakfast and she also was booked. So I called the first place just to see if by any off chance they had something that was available but not listed online.

Praise the Lord Almighty she did. They have this king suite that’s not attached to the other building and I said I would take it. So we reserved that for two nights. I told Laura we’d stop by the store and pick up some food to make supper. There was originally supposed to be a meet on Saturday but it was changed due to weather. So the meet was spread out to Wednesday, Thursday, and Sunday.

The boys are coming with and we were discussing what to do in the car. We didn’t come up with many suggestions. One of them mentioned listening to all of the Mumford and Sons albums and then deciding which one is best. So then we just talked about that without listening to them. I like Mumford and Sons but something about their music now feels hollow to me like it’s missing something. I had all day at home so that was nice for odds and ends like walking, laundry, and naps.

The boys had a meet in Petersburg this evening. They were very efficient with the meet and kept the events moving. The field events started at 4 and while they were doing those they ran the 3200. They also combined the boys and girls for the mile which probably could’ve used their own separate race. We were done around 7:30 and then packed up to come home. We had supper in the crockpot and Grandma stayed to eat with us before heading back to her house. Elianna stayed overnight.

I stayed up for a while to hang out in the living room with the four kids. Dad was exhausted and had gone to bed 9:30. The boys had good races and one of the teammates ran 49 second 400 which was a PR for him by 2 seconds. So everyone was excited about that. Their 4×4 team shaved off 6 seconds from their time which also made them excited. John was excited that he was beating his brother’s freshman year times. I still was Facetiming with Ethan for all the races which still cracks me up.

So it really is a family thing that goes on here. The Hope clients were a little more stuck in my head again this time. I really do have a lot of compassion for what they go through. I tell them all in the beginning that I will do my best to tie things up and send them out in an okay place where they aren’t wounded and then have to deal with it for however long. Sometimes though it happens where they leave with the couple upset and I feel like you just have to trust God that he still is working.

Today was a good day at Hope. I love them all, but I really like working with the couples and having those different experiences. I started the day telling people I was in a very affirming mood and so I was thanking them for taking time out of their days to make time for each other and for doing this work. One of the wives was very emotional (crying) throughout most of the session and it did not occur to me until later to have them move closer together on the couch and give/receive comfort.

If each of them were willing. I have noticed that part of my style is to zero in on the emotional experience of each person, like we’re taking a magnifying glass at looking closer at what’s happening. That and slowing the entire process down. A theme of the past week in the education has been giving your partner feedback in bite-sized amounts. This way you aren’t overwhelming the hearer. And then having the hearer knowing the importance of staying present even when it is hard.

But you don’t want it to be too hard which is why I am regularly checking in. At least in the beginning when all this is new and your nervous systems are adjusting to having a different experience. I have to remember all of this myself when I am talking about bite-sized and want to keep giving information and skills. And also some hope and encouragement that even when progress feels clunky and slow the slowness is also working to help instill permanence.

The boys had a meet in Pawnee this evening. They both did well in their events. Judah did triple jump, 800, and 4×400 and John did the 800, 1600, and B team 4×400. The boys are trying to figure out if there is any way that they can mathematically win conference. The other evening coach told Judah that if Ethan had any ideas she was open to hearing them. He texted her a picture and said they were already working on it which they were in that moment.

I’d been texting Ethan letting him know our plans for our trip to come visit. I didn’t want Laura to worry about food for the weekend and that we’d somehow take care of it. It was taking him a while to respond and then I said I was just rambling and was this making any sense? He said it was. I went out in the living room and he was talking to John on discord about Jordan Walker hitting another home run. Then I went into the office and he and Judah were working on conference.

Laura texted in the morning to ask if I knew what our plans were for the weekend, so I told her. I had to be at Thrive in the morning so Dad took the littlest to chapel with him at the high school. They’ve all been getting over a cold again which somehow I still did not get this time. They don’t really get man colds when they get them. Their way of processing is giving updates of where they’re at with their various symptoms. They have memorized all of the cold phases.

Today was a good and busy day. This morning I got together with a girl from our church who had invited me over before Holy Week and we set this date. She also used to be a camper but it doesn’t seem like that now because we’re both married and have kids. We chatted on her porch and then later in her living room while her two small boys played and needed her. It brought back many happy memories of when my own boys and kids were small and we’d have play dates.

Her husband has a government job and so they have an enormous lake house. She says she tries to use it to have people over including larger groups from church. One of the things she does is host a C.S. Lewis book club every other Thursday. They used to have 30 plus people who would come and then they all started having kids or more kids to where that wasn’t really doable for most people anymore. They still do it, it’s just smaller. That sounds like something that would be fun.

She was so cute and I commented on how her vocabulary was advanced. She was using words that I can’t even remember what they were now. She said she was a nerd which I could tell already since she has a PhD from Harvard and talked about how she hires a sitter so she can work on academic writing. She’s teaching a course this fall for UIS and had to write a syllabus and also uses the time to read. She was telling me how much she loves school and I told her that I love school too.

I talked with two classmates from UIS today. Arya was wondering about a job offer she’s had from another private practice she’s been hoping to join after graduation. Another one asked if I was going to the commencement next month and I told her I was not. I can’t remember if I said or not that they don’t have December commencement ceremonies and I so if I wanted to officially walk I’d have to do it in May. I asked her if she knew where she was working and she said she did not.

I told her about Hope but that she had to be a professing Christian to work there. She said she was born again. So I gave her more information since she is wanting to do marriage, couples, and family counseling and we could use some more help. So I don’t know if that’ll happen. The rest of the day I rested and caught up on notes. We had leftover banquet food for supper which was nice. After that Dad and I went to Auburn for a planning meeting. I’m still tired but am starting to feel better.