Ethan and Laura are in Houston for a family wedding. They flew out Friday morning from St. Louis after her parents switched their tickets from Thursday evening. All of these wedding travel expenses they have covered for them. Laura’s newly married brother and his wife from Brazil are doing great and flew in Friday from California. Laura’s sister from Indiana came in with her boyfriend who we are becoming those people who keep asking if there are any known plans for them to get engaged soon.

Laura is the only one who didn’t go into Lutheran churchwork. Right now Ethan is still doing secondary education with an emphasis in math. I’m happy with this except with the wondering of how they will financially support themselves. On a pastor’s salary including this one it was always enough because we had a bump for housing which included a house where we pay none of the house bills. This week there is a guy who is scheduled to come and look at the basement leaks.

The closer it gets to the due date the more emotional I am getting. Not like in an excessive unmanagable way. I’m scared of everything that could go wrong of course. It seems like fear has always been a part of my life, extremely more than anger or sadness. Like it can just bring me to tears at times, but apparently so can talking about it. After camp we’re planning to bring a car load with the rest of the baby stuff so she can have time to get it set up and organized before the birth.

The boys and I went out to pick up the pizza for supper. I was in a worship and praising mood. Josh had ordered everything so all we had to do was make the rounds. First stop was the gas station where we found a pump that worked and roasted in the car while we went from E to F. Then we stopped by Ricco’s to pick up my salad. I drove down the road singing Wes King and Mercy Me. I tried to remember songs that I used to belt when I was in high school or college.

I love singing when the songs are precisely in my range. I had them play Bless the Broken Road by Rascal Flatts because even though it’s a song about earthly love (I assume) to me it’s always been about God and the love we have with him. I felt so joyful and free. When Katrina was driving from Colorado to here she kept sending videos of herself singing and belting praise songs. She had an incredibly beautiful and powerful voice. I was thinking of her and felt like her.

I really ought to do that more, the singing and not just the listening. I just love not caring what people think and being bold to love in the way it feels right to me which many times is through feeling almost like a child in the things I say and the way I sing. It reminded me of simpler times when the boys were smaller, before the days of running hundreds of miles and driving tractors. It wasn’t ruined by me going with them or driving. To them it had been merely a chore.

If only I’d been an alcoholic, I would’ve had so many options of meetings to attend when I was looking for groups. It still blows my mind to think that all that time there were meetings happening every day, multiple times a day, all around Springfield. At one point you could have your choice of over a 100 meetings a week that were offered. All that was needed to attend was a desire to stop drinking.

He never relapsed. That has to be hard when you’re surrounded by people who can’t even get through a week or a day. Or get through for months and then give up or give in. One time he told me and whoever else was in there that all it takes is one pretty waitress batting her eyes and all of a sudden they’re getting married and having kids and all she was doing was just doing her job.

So I know men experience these kinds of things too. I think what I miss most is his gaze. There was something so soft and lingering about it that I would notice when he would not look at me and I eventually wondered if it was because he was trying to avoid the at least five day involuntary internal memory and disruption. There a difference between being deliberate and being intentional which I never did.

One of the receptionists was fired today for being a difficult person. I guess multiple staff members and clients had complained. It is kind of weird that so many people have either left or now been fired since I’ve been there. I thought she was nice and didn’t have any problems with her. One of the counselors is now back from maternity leave and is only going to work two days a week instead of four. This made me happy because it means they’re being flexible. I feel like this is a good job for a mom.

Today I saw a weekly couple that I inherited from another therapist. They are both so miserable I have no idea how they’re still together. Today we talked about forgiveness and canceling the debt. Even though their problems are deep they are not difficult to be with. I kind of feel inspired by their persistence and dedication and feel like if they’re willing to keep coming then I am willing to keep trying with them. It’s like we’re in this for the long haul and might as well just settle in and get comfortable.

I have no idea if writing about any of this is a violation. I really hope it’s not because I don’t want to get in trouble. Our teachers used to talk about clients all the time but never did use their names. I should clarify and say the teachers at Lincoln used to do this. It was one of my favorite parts about class when they’d tell their stories. The UIS professors very rarely talked about their personal counseling experience. But the Lincoln professors were older and had decades of experiences between them.

In the Wind
sung by Lord Huron

You’ve been gone for a long long time
You’ve been in the wind, you’ve been on my mind
You are the purest soul I’ve ever known in my life

Take your time, let the rivers guide you in
You know where you can find me again
I’ll be waiting here ’til the stars fall out of the sky

When you left I was far too young
To know you’re worth more than the moon and the sun
You are still alive when I look to the sky in the night

I would wait for a thousand years
I would sit right here by the lake, my dear
You just let me know that you’re coming home
And I’ll wait for you

Years have gone but the pain is the same
I have passed my days by the sound of your name
Well they say that you’re gone and that I should move on
I wonder: how do they know, baby?

Death is a wall but it can’t be the end
You are my protector and my best friend
Well they say that you’re gone and that I should move on
I wonder: how do they know, baby?
How do they know? Well, they don’t

I’m currently reading parts of the book Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson. She’s supposed to be one of the best couples therapists in the entire world. The hard professor at Lincoln was very private about personal information but the ones who took her intensives were told that she uses Sue Johnson’s Emotionally Focused Therapy with her couples. And that’s what she was modeling to us so many times in our group and family classes. Something about all this therapy lately has got me spooked.

I had a really weird experience last week where a couple came in that I did not know. Except because of another couple I’d seen before (it was not a referral), I felt like I knew them. They were characters in a story that had suddenly come to life. They had bodies and faces and a similar story with real emotions. Because my filter is not really there I told my supervisor that I didn’t think I could work with this couple, because I already knew too much about them that they did not tell me.

It would come out somehow, I was certain of it. So they’re supposed to get transferred to the new lady who has come on to help with the marriage clients, which I am happy for now. I was just feeling kind of overwhelmed and vulnerable about the whole thing. You notice the ones who cancel repeatedly (more than once) and it doesn’t feel particularly uplifting if they’re also one of the ones you don’t feel an easier connection with. At some point people will figure out and know who I am.

And that will make them uncomfortable and the whole thing will be weird. It may have already happened at least once with a mom who was in a homeschool group where we had mutual friends (“friends”, more like acquaintances). Anyway, this is a small enough town where people know people and I really don’t want to turn into this hermit who’s afraid to go out places because I don’t want to see people. It’s been like that at several events this summer. Part of that is just the needing space.

I feel like It is time to be switching gears into “almost August”. August means school is starting again, camp is over, and we’re looking ahead into the fall. The plan is to homeschool the youngest again, have two at the high school, one finishing up his senior year of college, and I’m still not sure what Elianna is doing. Her credits from the online program do not transfer to the community college which has removed any sense of intent or motivation to try and finish up a two year degree.

I partly blame myself for this for not being more involved in the process. With the first two kids I have this dance, where I keep trying to figure out where my say is and how much of it I have. With the others they just hear it and there is no overthinking or even too much resistance. Whether it’s missing registration for AP tests or not being on top of certain scholarship applications, there are just parts of this college thing with kids that I would definitely do over or learn to not do again.

Raising children is difficult. I don’t know if justified is the right word, but for a long time it’s like I felt justified in my ignorance when it came to anything related to being a grown-up. If I didn’t know it’s because nobody taught me. If I was behind it’s because I didn’t have the help that other people had to help them get ahead. I could get tangled up in the loss of this but what it leads me instead to do is to keep walking humbly before God and others, however much you can use that word purely.

We had a good fourth of July. It was nice to make a bit of a bigger deal out of our nation’s 250th birthday. We had balloons and an evening feast complete with our traditional American flag sugar cookie fruit pizza. The girls were very helpful in helping to prepare things and the boys cooperated with what they were asked to do. We packed a picnic lunch to take to the beach. It was forecasted to rain around 3PM so the plan was to eat down there so we could have more time on the cowboy hat.

I think my favorite part of the day was the picnic. I’d forgotten how fun it is to eat in the sand with no official way of doing things. We’d remembered to bring a garbage bag so the minimal garbage we had was not a problem. We had community watermelon where everyone just used their hands to take their pieces. I served the food to mom and dad who were also there for much of the day. My dad decided he didn’t want to swim after all and there was nothing I could do to convince him.

Supper was good too. My sister had everyone go around and say something that we liked or appreciated about living in our country. Many things were said such as the way of life, the freedom of speech, the sports, the food, the wide array of geographical features, the way our government was set up, etc. My mom and I said similar things which had to do with the freedom with which we can share our faith and worship openly. We all sat in the living room in a tight but comfortable circle.

There was a point when we were considering if we really wanted to go to the fireworks. It’s been a lot of late nights and people were obviously tired. My sister asked her former foreign exchanged student how important seeing fireworks were for her on a scale of 1-10. She said 10. So that was pretty much the thing that woke us up and made us realize we definitely needed to go see the fireworks. We went to the ones in Sherman park which were closer and the show was really great.

It was a little stressful getting out of the park. But then we drove home and Josh dropped the kids off and the two of us drove down to the dining hall to see if that cat food had disappeared from the plate. I was surprised to see that the cat food and the plate were gone. I finally did see the mother cat for myself. She has white on her face. Elianna says the mother one is almost the same size as the kitten because she’s so tiny.

A mama cat and her kitten have been spotted on the camp grounds. She’s supposedly been up by the boys cabins and has eaten the food left there at least once. I couldn’t believe there was a kitten also. So later in the evening I took a walk to see if I could see or find them. Elianna says I just want the kitten but that isn’t true. I want to adopt them and have them know where they can come and get food. I’m not actively trying for more but would take them if they came.

Casper went to the vet today. He’d had an appointment Monday but I ended up cancelling because I thought his eye was getting better. By the end of the week it was weeping again and red around the rim so I just took him in. Since he’s been there, I told the woman at the desk, his name has mostly changed to Dipstick. I call him Dippers most of the time except when I am asking someone about him, “Have anyone seen Dipstick?” The veterinarian kept calling me mom.

It’s a cultural thing I think. My sister and her girls and her former foreign exchange student from France who is here for a month are visiting for the weekend. You can tell she speaks a lot better English now. I had all kinds of questions about how things are in France. The camp kids somehow still have energy and we were all up for a while at the lookout tower hill watching one of the brothers shoot off fireworks from the dam. The bugs were really bad down there.

I seem to be the only one who doesn’t thrive in the summer season. It did get to the point where I thought and then said that I might have one more summer in me and after that I’m going to have to move on to something else. And if I’m done then everyone also has to be done. It’s hard for me to write on the nights when the kids are all out in the woods. They all think it’s great. I’m up here asking when the ending bell is going to be and could he please text me when everyone is accounted for.

It doesn’t seem like it ought to be that hard (my part) but every year it seems to get a little bit harder even with having the perspective. So it is what it is. It’s part of living here and housing anywhere else is not exactly cheap right now. I honestly can’t imagine ever buying a house or us both having jobs where a house would even be affordable. I saw so many people this week where there was no fixing or changing it they simply had to hear that it was okay to be where they were at in the moment.

Thankfully it was a short week because of the fourth of July. Right now I am sitting with Zorro because he will not go in his kennel. I keep trying to put him in there and he won’t go. So now I’m must mediating between him and one of the cats. I know he has to be tired because this is at least an hour past his bedtime. Josh just came back and put him in his kennel so now he is in bed. I feel like this would be a good night to read or go to bed at a decent hour. My eyes are too tired for one of those.