I’ve been tripping over heart strings that have been needing to be cut. Luckily those things seem to have a way of taking care of themselves. I’ve been trying to get him to come with me to this South Dakota meet for four years, with this being the last one. We had it scheduled early in the year even with the baby being due. I’ve had it marked on my calendar for months. Somewhere in the blur of life it was talked about that this was something that needed to be cut out of the plans.

I’ve been fine until things came closer and started up again with trying to figure this out in my head. I could break up the 10 hour trip over three days, stopping along the way at a different sister’s house. We had a conversation on the way to my mother-in-law’s house after Auburn. “It’s not logical”, I said, at least being able to see that much. But why these fantastical actions for just this one and nobody else? Why defy my limits and exert such a force for something that does not add up?

So that was enough to get through some of them there. The rest of them were taken care of when I told my son I for sure wasn’t coming. We had a conversation about the understanding of the matter. That would’ve been a ridiculous amount of driving, he said. I typed out some words about how this isn’t about me or us anymore, that he’s not three anymore and still my mind finds it hard to switch gears. He reminded me that I have another son in his senior year and another running too.

I feel in some way like I have been redirected. And I’m tired of being the one who bears the burden of the emotions and the people who don’t understand them. I am tired of feeling alone, like my force and my love is so unseen or unknown. I wish someone would see my passion, my strength, my perseverance, love, and tenacity and gosh dang it, what good did wanting this ever do me? So I don’t know, that was actually pretty rough even though I know that this was being said in love.

But anyway. Today was kind of a recovery day, at least for me. We went back to the beach in the afternoon and this time Dad came with us along with Zorro. We played for a while. The boys came home from school and we had supper. All of this happened after supper so I have still been adjusting and just letting all this settle. But I do get it, driving up to Minnesota tonight, staying overnight in South Dakota tomorrow, and driving back the next day is more than what is needed now.