I think I’ve started making my exit plan for leaving Hope. If someone asked me now, I’d say the biggest reason is because I am not built to cycle through that many people. I have met some really great ones who I think would come over with me to my other place. But three and a half days of doing this is not sustainable the way it’s going. I could work half the time and make just as much money, or I could at some point if I wanted work the same amount of time for twice the money.

This hasn’t been a total waste. Like I said, I’ve met some really great clients and built good relationships with those people. I’ve seen relationships improve and become more steady and stable. Whatever the issue was with my original NPI number uncovered a whole slew of other issues that they’ve been working for months to get straightened out. I’ve met some really neat coworkers which I think is going to be the hardest part about leaving there. I don’t want to try to do both.

So I think I’m going to tell them I’m going to be done at the end of the year. I know I’m fickle and change my mind about things but I feel pretty sure I want to do this. I want more time to be at home, to not be tired, to be able to spread my time out more to go on walks or be involved more at church or with kids or with grandkids. Right now I’ve been using a certain office at the other place but I’m considering asking if I can have the other student office with the window. I’d like the light.

Today was a really nice day. We heard from Ethan and Laura that Lila had her first day of school. They pushed her in the stroller from their apartment to the campus. Laura had a few friends sit with her outside of the classroom to be in charge of tending to her if she needed something. She slept most of the time and I imagine them pushing her around the school building with her in her stroller but I don’t know that for sure. I’m glad they are making it work so they can keep going to school.

The boys had a meet this afternoon at the new school property. People keep asking about when they are going to rebuild. I tell them that the insurance coverage was no different or more than the insurance amount that is designated for a house. So some people have this happen with the mine subsidence and they get a brand new house with enough money to pay it off and have more leftover. Our school received their $750,000 insurance reimbursement which is not enough to build a new school or pay off the still outstanding mortgage of the school that no longer exists.

So I never really sound that optimistic when I talk about it. But anyway, the boys had their conference meet and won conference. My two boys finished within a second of each other which made me tear up because I don’t like when one is doggedly trying to beat the other. I wish they could just let each other win and be happy for each other which for the most part they are with the happy part. With my own issues I decided I wasn’t going to be upset and just be happy that we were okay now.

It was another afternoon of sitting in the district president’s office. I don’t and didn’t even want to talk about it. It’s like I’m sitting in the middle of an episode of “How is This Even Your Life?” I am supposed to be a counselor now who has moved on from this episode and is now helping other people. There’s supposed to be all this redemption and learned lessons and hard earned wisdom to share with others so they do not repeat your own mistakes or end up like I very unfortunately did.

It is not even worth recounting all the times I’ve asked for help. Why now in 2026, five years after I first reluctantly went to a district president, almost six years from when I disappeared from our life due to being crippled and permanently injured and utterly crushed in my spirit, why people are finally getting wind that there was something not right, I’m not even angry anymore. That’s a lie, I’m still mad, but it’s like a diffused kind of mad. I’m not resembling a bomb anymore. I just inhale.

And eventually exhale. He made us pray for each other at the end of our meeting. He went first. Once it was my turn it was like I was mute or had a lump in my throat that did not want to move. I told him I would eventually get it. After I don’t know how much longer I apologized to God for having to pray for myself first, for him to increase my hope and my faith that this is all still for our good. I thanked God for my husband and for all of the wonderful qualities that God has imprinted upon his soul that has allowed him to love us so well in such wonderful ways. It was the God’s honest truth.

This morning we picked up Danny for church. He had texted me the day before to tell me that he had something special for me. When we pulled into his driveway he was sitting in his chair as usual, but this time he was holding a store bought bouquet of flowers. I stepped out of the passenger seat and he handed the flowers to me. He said they were because he could see I hadn’t been happy lately and he wanted me to be happier. I gave him a hug and climbed into the middle van seat.

I held the flowers in my lap all the way to the church. They did make me happier. Later when we dropped him off I thanked him again for the flowers and asked him what made him think of me. He tried to explain it in the best way he knew how and said it’s because he sees things and that he had a feeling. His mom changed the battery in the garage door opening system and ever since then he’s been able to get back into his house just fine. I cut the stems and put the flowers in a mason jar.

Later in the afternoon I went down to the lake. There were several Mennonite boys playing and fishing on one of the docks. Eventually all of them left except for one. I was there to read and get some sun but did not feel threatened or bothered by his presence. He came over to the dock where I was reading and cast his line several times before I looked up at some point and realized he was gone. I’d thought about telling him to try moving closer to the shade but I didn’t want to disturb him.

It’s been a busy past few days. Last night we were all at a cross country bonfire. We had a good time and stayed at least a couple of hours. I don’t know what it is, if it’s the lack of sleep more lately or what, but my day to day recall memory just isn’t very good. If I do not write down what did on the day we did it then I seem to have trouble remembering what went on. I was relieved to be home and put on my pajamas but I couldn’t tell you what any of us did. I do faintly remember doing our prayers.

Today the boys helped me clean. One of the boys went with Dad to drop off old and leftover chemicals and the other two stayed here and we cleaned up the living room and did a medium deep clean. The urge came upon me to do something major get rid of two of our pianos. There was no way to get them out of here so we didn’t end up doing that. I was going to get rid of my Barnes & Noble classics collection but I couldn’t end up bringing myself to do that either. I dusted my bookshelf.

We had this chicken that had to get eaten so I made that for lunch. I love eating chicken skin. Before that the boys erased their summer miles and made a new board for winter. I recorded this really precious video of them slowly erasing the remainder of the board and it was just so funny and sweet. It’s kind of emotional thinking about all those miles they ran. One of the camp staff stopped by during lunch to pick up his pictures and say hello and said he’s thinking about going to UIS to run track.

Elianna came over with Zorro after lunch. It was such a nice day we took a walk down to the beach and sat on the dock for a while. I had taken a shower after lunch and so it was nice to let my hair airdry in the sun. I wish it never had to end. We sat there for what felt like a long but good time and then went back to the house because Dad and I needed to get ready for a wedding. Two of the joyful hearts campers have been in love for several years. There service was at a park and was a sweet time too.

After that I went to a bonfire get together for work. We drove separate cars and after the wedding Josh went home and I went to the gathering. I figured it was good for me to try to be social. The gathering was nice and I didn’t count but I would say about half of us were there. I came home and people were hanging out including Ellie. After putting away the food I’d brought home from the party, I went out to the bonfire to say hello to the two of them. Lila has been starting to wear her fall clothes.

Today during a marriage session a woman asked me why I thought it was that people’s first tendency while trying to listen is to get defensive. She was reporting how her husband had done something different and listened to her without defensiveness. Sometimes people ask me things and I have to pause for a moment and think about what to say. But with this question the answer came to me almost instantaneously. I said it was because we are naturally self-centered.

And suddenly it was like it was all making sense. When we hear things, we hear it through our perspective. Everything people say is being filtered through the experience of the self. She said it wasn’t just him who does it, but that she does it too. I said that yeah typically in counseling we’re addressing in the man first because the woman is the one who brings up most of the problems. But I have seen it in sessions too that if he brings up a problem she does the same exact thing.

I made the mistake again of asking a couple during an intake to talk about why they were there, before getting to my other questions. It was back and forth in the most predictable fashion. One said something but then the other had to explain, which continued into an even further explanation and on it went until I had to say again that we needed to finish the other questions. I hadn’t done that in a while but I was wanting to switch it up and just see what would happen. if it’d be any different.

But back to the self-centeredness. I was completely shocked at myself that I had said this so easily. I wasn’t trying to make it softer or even say that being self-centered was understandable. And they shook their heads in full on agreement and told me that I was the one who made sense. The woman explored her own continued examination, that even when you try to understand the why behind what you do what you do, that is still focused on yourself and your own experience. Yes, exactly.

So what then is change? Change is to focus on the experience of the other person. What they were feeling. What they were thinking. And to eliminate the self-interpretation. It sounds so harsh though and I don’t know if there is softer or better way to say it. There’s nothing to defend when this is not about you. There’s nothing to be threatened when you are not even there, when your self is not in the way. It’s like a miracle undoing for all human relationships, this profound “other” orientation.

Tonight we went to the Wednesday evening discipleship classes. We’ve been talking about going and other nights it just hasn’t worked out. They have something for all ages including two adult studies. One is on the Book of Concord and the other is on the book of Ephesians. They have an Evening Prayer service beforehand which I did not feel like going to since I had just come home from work and needed some down time before turning around to drive back into town. I was excited to go.

I thought Josh was going to be in the Bible class but he was in the Book of Concord class. I looked around to find the Ephesians room and it was just the pastor and one other guy in there. He said they usually have about six or seven but they were missing a lot of people. I had this flashback of my grandpa with his Bible open and with another man also with his. I felt like I was intruding on some time they needed to have so I told them I would let them have their special time.

So then I went into the room where they have the services. I had to curb my disappointment that I wasn’t going to the Bible class. I sat down next to Josh and the teacher was in the middle of explaining one of the sections. I tried multiple times to pay attention but it was like I couldn’t keep from zoning out. There were twenty people in the class not including the teacher. I couldn’t understand what the big deal was but I gave the teacher credit for his smartness and earnestness.

Somewhere the hornet’s nest got stirred up and it became this whole fiasco. I was searching and filling out apartment applications and he was reaching out to a pastors Facebook group asking for prayers for his family because his wife had said she wanted to leave him. Suddenly three of my sons were trying to talk sense and inspiring words to me including one typing me paragraphs. Our history of dealing with this is so long and extensive, it can seem like there really aren’t any more options.

But anyway, all of that settled.

We woke up in Seward after driving to Nebraska after the meet to see Laura and Lila. It’d been three whole weeks since we’d seen her and she had doubled in age. She doesn’t fit on my lap anymore to do the lap photos I was doing at first. We hung out in the evening at Ethan and Laura’s apartment. We’d had sandwiches in the car after stopping by Hyvee and buying some supplies. I’d made a Walmart order the day before so we picked up that to have the ingredients to make supper.

It didn’t feel like I saw Lila that much. I held her while everyone ate and then switched for eating and clean up. Everyone was tired so we didn’t stay too long past 8. Something I remember is how important it is to have that nuclear family time. When I want to help Laura and do things for her this is one of the things I am able to do. Extended family time is good but you also need that time to connect especially after the stretch of a long day.

Dad, the boys, and I went back to the motel room. I don’t even remember what we did, if there was a baseball game on, I know some people went out and walked. I’m pretty sure I went to bed. This time we had a couch so there enough beds for everyone. It was still the same lady checking us in and making us breakfast in the morning. Last time when I stayed there she was opening the rooms and clearing out garbage. I almost wish that I could help her and have a little business like this.

If it wasn’t so far away I would do it. We went to early service and sat in the left back pews like last time. The choir wasn’t singing so it wasn’t nearly as crowded. Ethan and Laura found us and Lila was awake in her infant seat. Laura asked if I wanted to hold her since she was awake. I definitely did. She was awake but kind of fussy so I took her out to the back of the church and into the hallway and common areas. She has this grumpy face when she’s tired and uncomfortable but still looking around.

So I got to spend more time with her then and it made it feel like I had gotten my time with her. It was the time we needed to get acquainted and make some memories. I wrapped her up in her blanket and experimented with different ways of holding her. Laura had said it was okay to take her out. She liked to be walking more than sitting but once she was officially asleep it was okay to go in and sit back down with her. We sang a song in church and I listened to them sing and it was beautiful.

Today was a very long day after a very long day the before of driving. Ethan had a meet in Sioux Center Iowa. It took about 8 hours before you counted the various stops. We left around noon since once of the boys had to go to school for a work day he couldn’t skip. It was a long day of crossing states and zig zagging up to the town. We managed to find a room with two queen beds which meant one of the boys had to volunteer to sleep on the floor. Everyone went to bed fairly early.

I told the boys it wasn’t an official road trip unless you’re scrounging and getting by at some point. So we brought our homemade sandwiches using the camp leftovers from the various meals they’d had that week. For supper we ordered Casey’s pizza and picked it up long enough to use the bathroom, buy napkins, and get back into the car. So that was actually not too bad and it’s a break from the money spending on fast food. The next morning we ate from the hotel breakfast.

The races were divided into a Gold division and Black division. The Gold race has the top ten runners from each team and the Black division race had everybody else. It keeps the course from becoming too crowded. Ethan had a strategy to not use his watch and just try to keep up with the front place runners from his team. He ended up getting first on his team out of almost twenty runners. It was the fastest time and highest place he’s ever had so that was special to be able to see.