It’s hard for me to believe we’re in November already. When I think back on this year, I’m amazed at how time has moved. There were months where I barely got out of bed, and when I did, it was to go rest on the couch or in front of the sliding door. This afternoon I sat in a rocking chair on the back deck, trying to soak up sunlight for my body to use and store for the winter. The sun produces almost an instant calm.
I had a rough day physically. Or a good day, I don’t know. I went to the Y for the first time since the end of last year. I wasn’t expecting to be able to do much, but I wasn’t expecting to slowly swim four lengths of the pool and be done. I don’t think I’ve ever tried to swim longer than 45 minutes, but 45 minutes was easy. This wasn’t even five. At the same time, I was there. Such a thing would’ve been unimaginable months ago.
This health journey has been going on long enough for me to know that I have days like this. I can be going along feeling seemingly normal for whatever the new normal is, and then I’m confronted with my physical limitations again. I’m reminded of how not normal I am compared to what I was before. I cry about it for a few minutes, and then move on. It’s like I’m aware that this is a time of transformation, but it is peaceful, not chaotic.
I wish by now I had the valuable lessons from this to pass along. I will say, that having gone through difficult times before, this time feels much more peaceful internally. There isn’t a ton of wrestling with God. There have been times of deep prayer and a few instances of frightening doubt and crippling fear. But those times pass. I haven’t felt that sense of abandonment by God, almost the total opposite. I feel his nearness.