The kids made cookies this afternoon. Between the chilly temps and the falling snow, it seemed to them a cooking making kind of day. This morning they watched another snow documentary, which they ended up telling me later they had already seen. I had to leave this morning to go to a chiropractor appointment. The documentary was shown in honor of the snow, but also to fill the half hour space between when I had to leave and when dad would be home. I’m thankful for the presence his job has allowed.

This present “season” has put a little more space between me and the kids. It’s not something I sought or even necessarily felt like I needed, but rather has become a practical necessity in dealing with my various appointments and needs. I have to say, it was rather abrupt, and something I didn’t have the energy to process, fight, or even worry too much about. If it weren’t for the still small voice saying, “Trust me”, I might have been or might still be a little more upset about it, the way it happened so fast.

I’ve moved out of the phase of waiting for 100% to return tomorrow. 100% may look different from now on, meaning there might in fact be a new normal for me. It’s not just a physical difference I notice in terms of limitation, it’s an emotional one. It’s like an entire layer in my range of emotion has been shaved off. With frustration. With sadness. Physically I can’t get too excited. From my bed, I was FaceTiming with my mom and sisters. Personality wise the energy, elation, and laughter is there, but it’s almost like my body cannot contain it. My legs were shaking the entire time we talked.

That being said I’m still feeling and seeing improvement. It’s just been slow. Last month at this time it’d been a little bit over a week without Xanax, something that a month before would’ve seemed possible only in the presence of God and miracles. The journal entries gradually morphed from “7:30AM-Yuck” and “2:00PM-Crazy awfulness” to “made it till 11AM without a pill” to “4PM-still doing alright”. This month I attended the Easter vigil service and watched my son get confirmed from the cry room. I went to my son’s first baseball game last Monday and watched from the car. I haven’t been back.