For the past couple of years I’ve been operating under and finding comfort in the assumption that God is drawing me out of something old and bringing me into something new. Whatever we’re going through, whatever situation or pain we are currently in, somehow whatever it is seems bearable as long as we know it is not for nothing, that there is something better on the other side.

I suppose this is the thinking I’ve been questioning lately. People with cancer often undergo brutal chemotherapy treatments in hopes these treatments will extend their life, halt the disease or even cure it. For some, complete remission comes about, and for others, the disease progresses. It’s not a perfect analogy but it illustrates the pains a person will willingly endure if there’s a reason.

I’m still thinking about the track meet and all it entailed. When my sister’s fiancé Brandon died, we had a get-together here at camp on the day that was supposed to have been their wedding. It was me, my sisters, my mom, and a few of my sister’s friends who were also going to be bridesmaids. It rained on and off that day and I took it as a sign that God was crying with us.

It was during that weekend that I had a contentious encounter with my mom. It was also during that same weekend that I suffered a terrible feeling of regret, realizing that life was far too short to keep rehashing the past and clinging to resentment and unforgiveness, though I wouldn’t have been able to name it then. It wasn’t worth it. It wasn’t worth missing out on any more time.

I do remember learning that lesson then, and I do think it changed the way I think about my family. It made me not want to be so slow at learning lessons, to be a freer person unbound by things that didn’t need to bind me anymore. And even though I’ve tried to be a devoted, kind, supportive, and loving mother to my kids, I still have had to ask them many times for forgiveness and still do.

Yesterday was graduation. My son gave his co-valedictorian speech, which he wouldn’t have been able to do if they made the finals. As senior class president, he was also the one who led the tassel movement ceremony for his classmates. I actually barely cried at all, shedding all my tears along the way and even now. My parents, in-laws, and my sister and I sat together in the seats.

We went to a friend’s graduation party afterward. His grandmother saw me when we walked in, and she waved. I went over to her and we reminisced about the good times we’d had while we were living in Hoyleton. I’d take the kids with me to the nearby town garage sales. This woman’s garage sale was one I frequented each year, finding boy shoes and coats to store away for new seasons.

I remembered the 4×4 finals were supposed to be happening around this time. I pulled it up on my phone while eating my snacks and brought my phone over and we watched it together, decidedly rooting for the team of the town we were currently standing in, that had beat them in sectionals and every other time. Auburn ended up finishing third. “Man, we would’ve gotten smoked”, he said.