My cleaning sprees have slowed for a time. My sister is visiting with her girls for the evening. I have a guest tomorrow as well who is also bringing her son along. She wanted to bring him down here for something to do.

There are four baby raccoons hanging around camp. They’ve been spotted all together, and also in groups of one, two, or three. Today I fed them blueberries and cat food up by the garbage area closer to our house.

I am worried about how things are going right now. It is why I have gone more silent again. Today I did clean the kitchen counters and shelves above the sink. They needed dusting and decluttering. I threw a bunch more away.

Today I took a break from the downstairs and kids rooms and schoolroom and spent some time in mine upstairs. My projects often get detoured like this, but as long as I’m getting something done I don’t mind. My side of the closet is now so much cleaner, having got rid of nearly two-thirds of the clothes and thrown away several boxes worth of junk. You can also see the floor now.

My mom suggested I organize the hanging clothes first by length and then by color, so that’s what I did. I agree it looks better that way. Throughout the cleaning process I’ll either text my mom or sisters pictures. They don’t have to say anything, it’s just a place for me to put and see the progress and it works to keep me motivated, which I have been throughout most of the month.

I still can’t believe that I’m actually cleaning my house, as in cleaning it the way I want it to be cleaned. I’ve only been able to stay this focused because I’m pretty much not doing anything else. Every so often I do have to spend some time making sure that the college preparation and paperwork boxes are being checked. I did go down to camp twice just to see everybody.

Somebody please tell me that I won’t actually be teaching myself Arabic anytime soon. It’s too much, all of the things that I’m longing to do, or have longed to do in the past. I have plenty to do, right here, right now, and it’s enough to keep me busy for the next couple of years at least.

There was some deep emotional processing that came through today, early in the morning when I was texting my sisters. I wish I could write it out here because it was actually very profound and coherent. Sometimes you read things that heal you and other times you write things that do.

I’ve not been learning constellations this summer because by the time the sky is dark enough for stars I’m in bed. I did not consider that at all when I figured I would just slowly learn the main ones as the seasons changed. So I am a little behind with that now but I am not going to stress about it.

“Sure on this shining night
of star made shadows round
kindness must watch for me
this side the ground”
~Morten Lauridsen~

When I started doing yoga back in 2021 I often did a video called Yin Yoga for Anger. I liked this particular girl because she included affirmations along with her videos. Whenever you changed positions she would say a new affirmation you were supposed to repeat. The anger one included lines such as “I am a calm and loving person” and “I allow feelings to flow through me without attachment.”

But the one that would always stand out to me most was the one that said, “I let go of old past hurts with ease”. Every time I said it my body would shake. I thought it might have been a protesting demon. You had to lay on your back in be in a half “happy baby” position. It was a shake like a jolting shock-wave trying to get all of the crushed up leaves out. It would shake as if to say, “Here’s what your problem is.”

Along with the anger I also did one for grief. I don’t remember as much about that one other than that I was always sore the next day. I would alternate between days, one for the anger and one for grief. I guess in ancient Chinese medicine, grief is stored in the lungs and anger stored in the liver. Whatever it was, it helped in some very hard times. It may not be a cure, but can still help with management.

Today didn’t feel quite as productive. One of the boys and I were talking and we think it’s because there’s a lot to do in the second bedroom. For the first time since we started I felt overwhelmed. It’s better tonight though. We just kept finding things to throw away or put into piles. One of the beds was taken out and the blankets run through the washer. There are no more beds in there now.

No one wants to read about this, but somehow I still find it interesting. The details of people’s lives are interesting to me. I get tired of listening though like everyone else. Some friends from high school got together on Tuesday and one of the girls talked for nearly a half hour straight. I don’t understand that, like how it doesn’t seem to occur to people to give others a chance to also talk.

We have so many LEGOs here it’s truly insane. There are currently no more surfaces to set them, no more drawers left to store them, no more milk crates left to display them. I told the boys it could maybe be a winter project where they match the book with the set and try to see it “as is”. No guarantees for all the pieces but it might still have the close enough of what you are looking for.

The first room in the bedroom project is basically done now. Tim came and finished up the floor this morning. During the morning hours Dad and the kids moved the bigger things upstairs from the downstairs. The bunk bed was taken apart and put back together. The dresser came in parts to make it easier for carrying. I worked on laundry while they were doing all that.

As I’ve been going along I’ve also been noticing other places around here that need attention. I also can ignore them, unbothered by the clutter. I feel a steady patience, not rushed or hurried. The schoolroom is going to end up getting cleaned out again along with the bedrooms. This time I had the boys clean out their desks and surrounding areas. I can get rid of those now.

We really do attach emotional meanings to our things. I don’t know why we do this but it’s definitely something we as human beings do. We have a fairly large house so there is room to store more. It also makes it easier to justify keeping more. I still have two storage tubs of cloth diapers that I kept after getting rid of many more. My son was often with me while I bought them on ebay to clean, flip, and make money.

I always thought maybe we could do a homeschool business project together where he helped me sell them online as a practical life-lesson. I kept my favorite ones in case we ever had to house refugees or family members with an infant. If I had a baby now I would use disposable ones without question. Now I’m wondering if maybe I could still sell them in different lots and make something–$50?–to put toward his college.

I’ve still been staying pretty close to home these days. I did go down for lunch today to say hi to the kids. I ended up sitting together with four of them and we looked at the college track schedule for the fall. I told my son that Dad and I had already marked it on the calendar and were planning to come and visit him for fall break. There’s a track meet in Des Moines that would be drivable too. It said it was only five hours.

We went down to the beach for a little bit today. I’m trying to be intentional about getting down there. My father-in-law has been in the hospital since the end of May and recently was discharged to a local rehabilitation facility where he can get continued physical therapy. Dad and the kids went to visit him this afternoon. I stayed here and rested, taking a nap. When I woke up it was almost time for supper. They got back in time to head down to the beach for the cookout.

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this dedicated to a project. Today I thanked the Lord for giving me the energy and resources to work on it. My husband and I were talking about the schedules we keep and how very different they are. Mine changes and varies. His does too but he overall keeps the same, more predictable routine.

I’ve been thinking more again about marriage lately. It’s been a little over two years since the marriage intensive we attended. I know I’ve said it was impactful, but I’ve never really gotten into the specifics of what exactly it was that we did or learned there. I have written more about it in almost every paper I’ve written for school.

I did order a new marriage book to read. This one is called The Meaning of Marriage by Tim and Kathy Keller. I’ve heard good things about it for years so I thought I’d finally read it for myself and see what I think. I thought it was supposed to come today but with the holiday there wasn’t any mail. If I can I might try to write about it more.

The kids have generations camp this weekend. Generations camp is when kids age 4-4th grade can come to camp with a parent or grandparent. Sometimes moms and dads come together and other times it’s mom or dad with one or sometimes two kids. Our kids are old enough to go to regular camps now but either Josh or I would take the younger boys for their time.

Most of the kids were gone at camp this past week. Whether they’re going to camp or not, they spend much of their time there. We saw another fawn on the way home from lunch. This one was sleeping in front of a tree. I tried to get closer but it then ran away. It made me think about the way we’d come so near to the other one and how peculiar, how uniquely different that was.

This evening I went out and talked with some of the parents while they took a break from capture the flag. It really is still crazy to me how much can accumulate in a house over years. There’s a difference between resignation and peace and I like the feeling of peace much better. Resignation is giving up hope altogether, while peace is at rest with the Lord doing his work.

I’ve forgotten how much I don’t like shopping. You go into a store thinking you’re just going to look at area rugs. Next thing you know, on your way out, you walk back through the rest of the aisles where you notice a wreath. The Lenten cross still hangs on the door, and you think this would be a pretty replacement. The price is reasonable.

And then you remember you never replaced the welcome mat for the house front door. People are coming in and out these days, more than normal with the summer activity. You ask the girl straightening shelves if the store carries welcome mats. You notice how young and pretty she looks and want to tell her, but that would be weird.

There isn’t much selection to choose from. This time of year they’re all picked over. They have a rainbow and a dark or light brown. You go for the light brown because it matches part of the colors in the wreath. This price isn’t all that much either. To finish it off you return to the garden section with the plants. You want something yellow.

The ensemble wasn’t quite as striking and coordinated as I’d hoped, but I do like the wreath. The woman in line behind me even told me she liked it. Back when I used to shop a lot more I eventually decided that I wasn’t going to buy anything, a shirt, a house item, a decoration, etc, unless I truly “loved” it. I remember that now.

The interview went well today. I liked the place and felt comfortable with the overall setup. Today we finished pulling up the carpet and painting. The dumpster truck was supposed to come today but sometimes it takes a few times of calling. That’s one of those things I don’t mention anymore. I used to notice it every time I walked by.

The next phase in my schooling journey is finding a practicum site for the fall. I had actually hoped to do it this past spring and had a site lined up at a drug rehab facility. The professor in charge of approving our paperwork wanted me to find a different site because students had recently had negative experiences there with not being able to get enough supervision hours. The practicum requires 100 hours total of observation, documentation, and face-to-face client time.

I have an interview this Wednesday with Memorial Behavioral Health director of the partial hospitalization program. It’s for people who come for the structured environment and therapy sessions during the day, but are able to return to their homes on evenings and weekends. Something I am interested in is group therapy, which is commonly done in outpatient or step-down programs like this one. It is a way of fostering and experiencing healing in community.

The bedroom cleaning project is coming along slowly but surely. I’m still in the first room, so the early stages of what I hope to get done. I feel as though I’m experiencing a sort of reverse form of nesting. I have gone into a self-imposed time of solitude where I am not interested in anything but what needs to be done here. Part of me says not to delude myself, that I’ve attempted projects and fizzled out on them before, that it’s pointless because it’s just going to get messy again.

About three in the afternoon I suddenly ran out of energy. I rested in bed, which I’d already done and fallen asleep in the later morning. I didn’t fall asleep the second time but wished that I would have. It takes away the sleepiness from my eyes and resets my body. Sometimes I get a second wind in the evening but I don’t think that’s going to happen today. I was telling my sister the other day, maybe back when we were at state, that my bed has become my favorite place in our house.

At least it is when I’m tired. For all the hours I’ve spent in the school room you would think that it’d be organized and spic and span right now. It’s currently become one of the temporary holding spaces for various things I’m moving around. Nothing heavy. Housework is something I really do enjoy even in the midst of all of these years of wondering how it is I’ve spent so much time here and still find myself surrounded by closets and rooms needing straightened. I cherish the mystery.