Over the weekend my husband commented that I’m getting more robust. I am worn out tonight, but it’s the tired that comes from having had a busier day. My parents came up for the morning and a little bit this afternoon. I’d asked my mom if she’d be free some day to come up and help me clean and organize our pantry and storage areas. The pictures I sent her are absolutely hilarious. The pantry especially was a disaster.

I just keep finding things to clean, though looking around you still wouldn’t be able to tell. I’ve definitely lost my laser focus and the cleaning has just spread now to anywhere and everywhere there needs something being done. As mom reminded me several times, “You don’t need to make a decision about that today”. The books and clothes are enough to keep me busy, and those I haven’t don’t anything with for days.

Two of the boys had physicals this afternoon. That’s another thing that’s been keeping me busy, the paperwork and ins and outs of getting things lined up for college. Most of my focus has transferred over to here. I opened a separate bank account that I’m affectionately calling the college fund. Up until now I have not had to borrow money for school, but this year I am needing to take out a loan, some for me and the rest for him.

I had an email today that our summer intensive class material was ready to be accessed. I printed out the syllabus and most of the rubrics. We have two decently easy-ish papers due before class starts. This one is called Integrating Spirituality into Counseling. There are only four of us taking this class and we have each been assigned a particular religion to present on. I was excited to see I had to counsel a Buddhist.

The pantry looks a hundred times better than it did. Just the order of it is enough for me. I’m definitely looking forward to camp being over but I’m also just trying to take advantage of the time. Someday I’ll tell the story about lying in the boys room and staring out at the closet. I was either going to have to move out or clean up, because the way things were was making me ill. The thing about this kind of cleaning is that it lasts.

The past few Sundays have been different from usual. The kids and I went to a different church a couple of weeks ago. I originally wanted to go to the bigger Christian church in town, Westside Christian. Not a single one of them liked that idea. My kids have been raised very differently than I have when it comes to church. I had exposure to a variety of denominations and church styles. They have been Lutheran their entire lives.

So we ended up going to another Lutheran church in town. I wanted to let the kids sleep in, as several of them were coming off a week of night owl. I feel I might be getting my facts mixed up, like I’ve lost track of the weeks and what happened when. Nevertheless it was a nice time and a nice service. I was glad we ended up going to the Lutheran church instead of the other one. It ended up being the right thing to do.

Afterward we stopped by my in-law’s house. Since my father-in-law’s surgery and extended hospital stay, we haven’t been going out to lunch like we usually do. He is still very much in the recovery phase from his surgery. He’s also just more weakened in general these days. Last weekend Josh did not have to preach somewhere, so we all went to the Saturday night service of another one of the Lutheran churches in town.

This Sunday again we did not go to church. Over the weekend our camp hosted what they call a Luther Ball Tournament. Three surrounding Lutheran camps came and participated. Josh did a Saturday night service in the outdoor chapel which made it possible for the various camp staffs to leave earlier Sunday morning, as they all had several hours of travel before them. I like having Sunday mornings off sometimes.

We went over to my in-laws house around lunchtime. Last week we brought lunch to them. This time my mother-in-law had ham, scalloped potatoes, and sweet corn. My father-in-law sometimes plants potatoes that he gives us bags and bags of in the summer, but this year he planted corn. I’m thankful for this family tradition we’ve had and that their home has been a consistent place of familiarity in all of our lives.

Before returning to camp we drove out to the farm. Several of the kids had not yet seen the latest progress on the house they are building. They had originally hoped to be moved in by Christmas but they’re not sure that’s going to happen now. The latest update I have heard is maybe sometime in the spring. In spite of the circumstances they’ve continued on with the plans. It’s sad to me that it’s having to happen like this.

But right now no one really seems focused on that. It comes up in conversation every once in a while but then we go back to talking about the other things. I’m really just a passive observer in this except for the occasional nursing input. There is a common understanding that family is important and things like this make that understanding even stronger and strengthens our faith in the process. Truly he will keep your life.

The downstairs room is basically finished now. All but one of the kids switched rooms, and the one who didn’t now has his own dresser. What I’m learning about teenagers is that there’s a differentiation that has to occur. As kids grow they become more and more their own person. For us that was signified by giving the oldest kids their own rooms. The one who’s already had her own room moved to a different room that has a closet where she can hang her clothes and organize her things.

Obviously people in third world countries who live in one room huts live differently. They find their own ways to do things when it comes to raising their families. Right now we’re blessed with a fairly large house with lots of space. It may have been messy, but it’s never felt cramped to me. If we ever did need to house family members or refugees there actually would be plenty of room to do so. I would just like to continue making the space we’ve been given as usable and as pleasant to be in as possible.

Something I need to remember about my kids working at camp is that when I worked at camp I rarely ever went home. On the weekends I was happy to stay where I was. I didn’t have a car until I bought one from our neighbor. Before that if I went home it was because someone from camp would bring me, usually my now husband. I don’t remember if he did his own laundry or if his mom did it. It seems to me God blesses most with the gift of having at least one chore we don’t mind doing.

There are some days I would wish to never remember. Today wasn’t one of them, but I’ve had so many. It’s a pain so familiar, so a part of who I am, that there is no day now, no certain time of the every month when it comes. It’s just a wound that heals and stops hurting until the next time.

So when the good days come I rejoice in those. Today was a good day. What made it good was the many interactions with others. My son and I cleaned a little more downstairs. For another I was able to turn dirty clothes into clean ones and drive him down to the beach to get his watch.

Another mom drove out to bring the gluten free kids cookies. She handed me her signature decaf iced coffee right as I was getting ready to give one of the camp cooks a ride. She needed to go to Sam’s, the great store of abundance. There surely were more, but these ones now come to mind.

My son and I went to Lowe’s this morning to try again with the accent wall. The original color I wanted was called Open Seas. It was the color I was drawn to, plus I liked the name. But then I started looking at greens and went with the color called Contented. I was hoping that the name of the color would magically produce in me a contented state when we were done. But it was too light, too dull for my liking. That’s when we went back and tried to darken it to the Coastal Plain.

This time we chose the color Manitou Blue. I guess I sort of learned from my mistake, because after seeing the shade of the original Contented, I knew the Open Seas would likely not be bright enough. Manitou Blue was a shade darker, but not too dark. I told my son I thought it was pretty and he agreed that it was. He said he felt like it had more life to it and I felt the same way. We brought the paint home, hopeful it could work. We both loved the color as soon as we started painting.

So that wall is done now. That’s about all I did today as far as the rooms go. For as much as I’ve gotten rid of, we still have so much, and I haven’t even touched the actual downstairs storage area. I keep seeing it whenever I am down there switching laundry and then I wonder why I ever decided to keep any of it. I’ve always kept a china set that a seminary wife gave me after Josh and I helped them move. It was from her first marriage and didn’t end up fitting in their moving truck.

It was super nice, one of the nicest things I felt like we owned, so I always kept it. We never registered for dishes for our wedding. My mother-in-law gave me her old plates and bowls after she’d replaced hers when they redid their kitchen. When we moved from Hoyleton a friend gave me her set of white plates, bowls, saucers, and coffee mugs. I don’t know why we didn’t register for dishes. I guess I figured we didn’t need them. I’ve never really missed not having had new ones.

I’m starting to feel like I’ve been too much in my head with all this. Like it’s having that you’re starting to go back to your crazy ways kind of feel. I went to Target and Ross today to look for curtains. They didn’t have what I was looking for. I did find a couple of clothing items at each of those places. A dress, three shirts, and two pairs of clearance pants that I thought I could put in my collection I’ve been meaning to start of nicer clothes for when I’m supposed to look more put together.

Today ended up being more of a low energy day. I couldn’t tell if I was tired or just needed to do something. Piano lessons were thankfully canceled today. Again I hadn’t practiced much. My son who’s here and I decided to go down to the lake for swimtime. Dad was already paddle-boarding, so I just joined him and we paddled around in the lake for a while. He dropped me off in the swim area and I swam for a while.

That was nice, but didn’t revive me. On most days I feel energized after being down at the lake. I tried to clean some more in the schoolroom but didn’t accomplish too much. It was pretty clean again not too long ago but then the boys had a LEGO war over the weekend. I still don’t know what I’m going to do with all the LEGOs. I actually started an ebay account in order to sell stuff but so far I’ve only tried listing some of my textbooks.

I rested for a little while before supper. They had mini subs, veggie straws, apples, and brownies tonight. To me that is one of the best camp supper meals, and it’s nice for the cooks and dishwasher because there aren’t a ton of dishes. For some reason I was getting emotional while sitting in the dining hall. I’m not really sitting around thinking about my son going to college, but for months now if I think or talk about him I’ll start to cry.

Not always, but sometimes. The weird part is I can’t really talk about it with him. He doesn’t understand and I don’t think he’s supposed to. I actually won’t be going along when it comes time to take him. I have a summer intensive that starts the same day he is supposed to be in Nebraska. When I first found that out I thought the obvious thing to do was to drop the intensive. Obviously a child going to college is something I wasn’t going to miss.

But then I thought, “You know? He’s going to be okay.” He doesn’t really need me to go with him, and like he already said when I asked him about it, me not going with to take him would most likely be harder on me than for him. So I’ve been at peace with that decision and with the circumstance that led to it. He doesn’t need me there and he will be okay without me. He will be getting a phone and I’m hoping we can keep in touch that way.

The baby raccoons are still eating their food. I’ve been putting it out there twice a day, once in the morning, once in the evening. There still are four of them hanging around. They’re usually spotted in the athletic field or across the camp road heading into the woods. Most times when I come out the food is gone and they’ve eaten all of it. It makes me happy when I see that it’s gone.

Today I felt very little motivation to work on the bedroom. The accent wall was a flop, and so I didn’t have to go back and buy any more paint, I ended up painting over the green with the neutral white we painted our bedroom last summer. It was basically the same color as the white that I used on the other three walls down there. I do enjoy the look of open, freshly painted walls.

My kids are mostly gone again this week. The camp weeks go by so long when they’re gone. I know it’s every mother’s dream to have time alone to get things done. I’m basically just burying myself in my work, or something similar to what people must mean when they say that. I have drinks in the fridge that I said they could come in any time and get. It’s my way to still be there.

Most of the time I don’t actually see him take the drinks, but I will hear the fridge open, and then later go and see another drink that is gone. So then I refill them, putting the warm ones in the back so the cold ones are still in the front ready to go. Maybe every six months or so it will come up stronger that I feel unappreciated, but I can go a pretty long time like this and be basically okay.

As a wife though I definitely need appreciation more than every six months. So I will bring that up every so often here and there. I’ve kind of become a bit of a relationship junkie in terms of reading about relationship dynamics between people with differing attachment styles. I think my favorite marriage metaphor is that of caring for a plant. You have to regularly tend to it or else it dies.

After a few days off I’m back to working on the bedrooms again. The first two are as done as I can get them for now. The third one is the one that probably needed the most work, and was the bedroom that flooded earlier in the year but never quite got the full needed attention, or rather, deep cleaning. The kids and I went to the paint store today. I felt embarrassed again remembering the ungodly number of paint gallons I’ve bought over the years.

I’ve been thinking here and there about all the money I’ve spent. I am positive that had I been operating with a sense of frugalness and thriftiness even fifty percent more of the time than I did, we could easily have had enough money to pay for at least the first two years of college. They say when you’re going through the process of getting rid of things you can’t let the money you spent on something be the reason you decide to keep it.

The paint I bought I was not happy with. The boys wanted a color on one of their walls, so I tried to honor their request of not having something too plain. But I am currently past the accent wall paint phase. I actually went back to Sherwin-Williams a second time today to have them try to add to the color to darken it up. The first gallon worked, and is the neutral I’m painting most of the room with. The current accent wall with “coastal plain” I still don’t like.

So I took a break from painting and did some more book sorting. It’s happening in three different rooms right now. The living room, my bedroom, and the schoolroom. These are just my books and have nothing to do with the back office where my husband keeps his own whole collection of books upon books. This evening I was indecisive over a group of 4th and 6th grade science and social studies textbooks. I still think it would be fun to read them.

Those went back on the shelf. There were several others I was able to get rid of which went to the goodwill pile. I’m currently trying to organize them by subject, but a few subjects, like science, have more books that fit in one square shelf cubby space. It’s funny because science wasn’t even a subject we did that much of. I counted our nature walks and being in the woods as science. It was one of my favorite subjects though, just like they all were.

My sister-in-law and her family came to swim this evening. On our way down to the beach she updated Josh and I on my father-in-law’s latest cancer scans. She had gone with my in-laws to St. Louis today for his appointments. The spots on his lungs are still staying the same or shrinking, but he has new spots growing in his leg where the original tumor was. He had been on a trial chemo drug but that is over now. His doctor is switching him over to an oral chemo pill now.

After swimming we came back up to the house to change. This is probably going to sound completely ridiculous, but I was kind of excited to have them inside where I could direct them to the back corner of the house with the freshly cleaned bathroom and the two coming together bedrooms that are not quite done but are looking like I can tell that work’s been happening in there. I was proud of how my house looked, as in, I wasn’t ashamed to have people around.

I think that’s the way it’s supposed to feel. We’ve reached the point of summer where it’s beginning to feel long. Writing later at night I’m sure has something to do with it. By evening time I’m definitely ready for bed. Everyone is home from chapel now, getting ice cream, playing the piano, getting ready to watch a show. They’re watching a comedian who is actually pretty funny. I’ve watched this show before though so I’m probably just going to head to bed and call it a night.

Last night we went and watched fireworks in the Menards parking lot. We had really great seats where there weren’t a ton of people on either side of us and the soybean field was the only thing in front of us. It’s crazy how many people come out for these shows. People fill the various parking lots. They also park on the road including the interstate ramps. I don’t think you’re technically supposed to do that but I’ve never seen anyone get in trouble for doing it.

My sister-in-law and her family are visiting from Texas. We usually try and get together with them a couple of times when they are here. My son invited one of his camp friends to join us. He came and brought the two other camp people who were also back at camp and hadn’t made any plans. This didn’t bother me but it did get me thinking. The days of things being just “our family” are pretty much over and they have been for a while. This change occurred very slowly.

This idea of family that I’ve had, that is, a mom and a dad and their kids together as a unit living under roof, this is the definition of family that has made me most happy. This is what I have worked hardest to preserve and keep in my life. I feel like God is saying it is time for me to let that go, to let my idea and definition of family expand. After the fireworks show it was dark enough to see stars. I used my SkyView app briefly, content knowing I’ll get back to them soon.