It’s been quite the unusual week to say the least. Josh left this evening to spend the night with his dad in the hospital. After another ER trip, and then yet another, they finally were able to get him admitted. I didn’t have a chance to write it all down then. This was supposed to be our family vacation week. It was blocked out long enough before we knew any of this other stuff was happening.

There really are times when life just feels heavier. This is one of those times, or at least in moments it is. The boys have pretty much been doing their own thing. I keep apologizing to them that the plans keep changing and that we haven’t really been able to do the fun things we planned. I am operating at nowhere near my full capacity. I keep thinking the business will all be over soon.

I’m not upset. This is just what happens, and for whatever reason seems to be the particular cross I bear in this life. My dad says we all have hands we’ve been dealt. I told him that in the Lutheran world we refer to them as crosses. Sometimes others can be there to support us, but ultimately the hands we are dealt are here to make us more like Christ. It’s the work God wants to do in us.

And yet I am upset a little. Not the kind of upset that is a waste of my energy, but the kind that says, “Lord, I need you here too.” So many others need you and I want you to be there for them in their needs. Tend to them first, but don’t forget about me, Jesus. I know when this comes it isn’t sympathy I need, or other people to think I’m strong. It’s the Lord himself, whatever he alone can give me.

When babies are born they teach you to breath through painful contractions. I don’t think I ever was good at that part. I’d get tense in the rocking chair and forget to relax. But relaxed or not there was no getting around what happens inside you. It has to happen, just like our pain does. It’s how he births us, how he frees us to where we can truly say just walk with me, Lord. That’s all I need.