The weirdest thought came to mind somewhere in the early morning. I starting thinking about a show I’d watched when I was little about Siamese twin girls who were joined at the head. I remember thinking how completely awful that would have to be. And then I started thinking about my son out in Nebraska and how it’s almost like my head needs to be closed up somewhere.

The thoughts of him are always in the left side of my head. It is becoming more common now for therapists to say things like, “Tell me what is coming up for you in your body” or “Where in your body do you feel that?” I’ve never really noticed, however, where in my head my thoughts are.

Whenever I have ailments like this it’s always the left side that’s affected. And now I’m imagining myself with those bandages around my head like the separated twins had. When I was sitting in class last week I started wondering where my daughter was. I hadn’t heard from her lately.

And then I thought, “Dear God, no, I’m not doing that again.” The constant fearing, wondering, worrying. It doesn’t even have to be constant, even a little is enough to drive you insane. I’m not saying as parents we’ll never worry. I’m saying that in that moment I felt power over my thoughts.

I know it isn’t right for me to compare my life with others. When I picked up the younger boys today, who are still going half-days, I felt guilty when we were walking away like I was deserting the teachers. I did last year too. The seventh and eight grade homeroom teachers supervise noon recess.

On the sidewalk and driving away, it’s like I’m getting away with something that I should not be getting away with. Why I am not involved more? Why isn’t it me helping? They’re going to have to go to school full-time at some point, but right now it still is working out both money-wise and time-wise.

God calls us to the lives we live and he equips us to live those lives in the moment. The life that I am called to as a mom is ever changing. As we pass through more of those seasons I see it. Babyhood, childhood, homeschool, it was a wonderful and special time but wasn’t meant to last forever.