I texted Josh to let him know that there’d been people outside our front door all day. The Emmaus group is here this weekend, along with a church group from Decatur, plus a Girl Scout group that’s not been here before. I said I should be getting paid for door/office service, or at least getting the HSA family raise I requested. It was all a bit passive aggressive, I admit.

Sometimes I just feel like he needs to know what goes on around here. One of the ladies whose money I took said she had just been on the phone with him. While I was in the middle of texting him a man walked into our house and said, “Hello?” I never know whether to say hello back or to say as I am coming around the corner, “Oh, this isn’t the office.” I said hello, and he said in a way suddenly timid and shy, “Oh. This isn’t the office is it.” No it’s not, but that’s okay. People do this all the time.

“Lock the door”, he said. Always the man coming up with the solutions. I guess it’s not just men who do this. The other day in our group therapy class my professor interrupted my heated and overly zealous biblical exposition saying, “You are really intent on fixing this for her”, the her being the classmate whose personal issues we were discussing. I was intent.

They decided today to officially bring my father-in-law home on hospice care. They’ve discontinued his oral chemo drugs and gave him the option to begin more infusions in St. Louis. The infusions came with side effects and could be risky with his weakened health. They would also require him to be there for monitoring for up to ten days at a time per infusion. None of us felt like that was the right thing to do. It is the hope to have everything set up and ready so he can come home this Tuesday.

I’ve been feeling compelled to talk to my own kids more about what is going on. When people ask they ask how Josh and the kids are doing with everything. I share my answers, but in so doing, I realize I am needing more information myself. I have one child who is more emotional. The others are quieter. But we are all in agreement that this was not what we wanted.

There really needs to be some kind of award or automatic email or something that goes out whenever you get your kids’ paperwork turned in. Like, every step of the way when you’re making the appointments, actually remembering to make them with the doctors, the dentists, the eye people. But it’s not enough if you can’t actually keep track of the papers for a month or two and until it’s time to actually turn them in.

Or when your womanly time of the month comes upon you and you haven’t just been in a huge fight with your spouse. Like, these are things to celebrate and be thankful for. To reach out your hand and do some kind of tender-hearted fist bump and hear someone say when that happens, “Nice job”. Oh I write it down in my journal and thank God.

This feels like such a full and busy season. Last night before class I was talking to the mom whose son went away to college last year. I feel like this is something moms talk about more, but she mentioned feeling like we are able to talk about babies and toddlers, but as your kids get older, you can’t talk about the struggles as openly. I mean, there really are all kinds of us moms out there. You just read through the reel comments in your Instagram search feed if you need to know you’re not alone.

During the day I’d been trying to decide whether or not I was bothered or hurt that he hadn’t texted me back from the five hours before when I told him his package was supposed to get there today. But when I was talking to the other mom he texted to say that Adam Wainwright was retiring from the Cardinals. He recently won his 200th game as a pitcher and it had taken him basically everything he had to get to that point.

I had recently been wondering about the whole Adam Wainwright thing. The Cardinals basically stink this year. I was wondering if he ever regretted not retiring last year with Albert Pujols and Yadier Molina, the greats who he had the honor of playing with. They were the three who’ve been on the team this whole time, minus the ten years Albert Pujols left to play elsewhere. I feel like the Cardinals fans forgave him for that.

I didn’t tell him any of this. Instead I said something about Wainwright having a great career and having a lot to be proud of. And how the first time I ever saw him play was when he pitched as the 2006 World Series closer. Ethan was only a toddler then. But it was playoff season in Hoyleton and they were huge Cardinals fans there. Since it was the World Series we figured we probably should watch.

He didn’t say anything after that. It’s fine. Some of the acorns are really squished up now and I wouldn’t have thought we had enough cars for that. There’s a tree just off the road that always turns yellow in fall and I always thought it was a some kind of oak. But today it looked more like there were pecans falling around it. The other day when I was at the swings with one of the boys I noticed the squirrels hopping from tree to tree.

Dad and Elianna went to the store this evening to get the snacks we’re supposed to bring for the school kids tomorrow. I spent most of today doing wife and mom things. I cleaned our room, vacuumed, even wet-mopped the floor. There was laundry to start, fold, and put away. I deep cleaned the bathroom, cleaned the kitchen, and thawed a chicken for supper. Earlier in the morning I noticed that one of the outdoor cats had gotten inside again. Silly Tom.

When I started having panic attacks again a couple of years ago there words that would come to mind that I did not want to say. I don’t know what panic attack means or feels like for others, but for me it always feels like I am dying. There is no other explanation for the sudden and bodily chaos. Thinking you are dying makes it worse. Saying you are not dying doesn’t make it worse, but it doesn’t necessarily make it any better. I thought I was dying in my sister’s bed and that I wasn’t going to make it home to be with my family.

It was in that moment that I discovered that the hardest but most peace-bringing thing was to say, “Lord, if it is your will to take me home, take me home. Otherwise, help me to live.” If I was dying there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop it. And if it was time for me to die there was absolutely no point in fighting it.

People used to say things that would drive me absolutely crazy. I’m talking about the things people would say about marriage whenever you would read the books or blogs. “Only God can meet your deepest needs.” It all sounded absolutely miserable, crazy, or weak. My deepest needs for what? Love? Faithfulness? Companionship? No. You master skills. You compromise. You figure out how to have a happier marriage so you don’t need to say such wicked things. You mitigate the pains of life so that now you don’t need so much from God.

“Only God can meet your deepest needs” was code for “I actually couldn’t figure out how to have a strong or happy marriage, ” which was a statement that was absolutely unacceptable to me. I could not handle that there were so many unhappy marriages out there, that this could be even be such a semi-common saying.

Why we have to be so dependent on God is something that bothers but also comforts me. I sometimes think that I have lived my life, I don’t need any more. I have done the things I wanted to do, namely, get married, have kids, be around at least for a significant amount of time for me to raise them. Life was good. Life was hard. Life sometimes felt like death, but all that did was make me want to be near God, to be okay with a life that lasts forever because in forever there will be no crying or tears. To be in need is to be okay.

“We discover each other by following the same vocation and by supporting each other in the same search. Therefore, the Christian community is not a closed circle of people embracing each other, but a forward-moving group of companions bound together by the same voice asking for their attention.”
~Henri Nouwen, Reaching Out:
The Three Movements of the Spiritual Life~

Earlier this afternoon our paper group met for a video chat meeting. There seemed to be some miscommunication regarding what parts everybody was doing, or rather, things were getting done in a way that were different from how I thought they were getting done when I sent out our paper document with all of the headings. Last I knew we split the rubric up in thirds, two parts each. But now words were showing up that had their own headings and were not part of what I thought our original plan was.

I was a little stressed but not horribly. These things get done, they always do. I’m finishing up on my part tonight and feel like I should be able to get most of it done. In a perfect world it would be amazing if everyone has their parts finished up by noon tomorrow, and the rest of the day can be spent putting together the final draft. This paper could be done an entire day ahead of time. I would hope for the teacher to have some leniency on an assignment like this.

I texted my son this morning to see how his blisters were doing. He said they were alright. I said I was unsure on whether or not to check in about them or if I should just not worry about it. I want to make sure they are healing okay and that he’s doing what he can to take care of them well. But I also don’t want to bother him if he’s doing fine. He said they were okay and he’d let me know if something goes wrong. I said okay and felt okay about that. And I did feel better. I didn’t understand how hard this can be.

You can never quite think of everything. When packing things for Nebraska I knew I wanted to bring a blanket. That was one of the things I’d forgot to pack and send along when they left last month. At first I was going to bring the Cardinals fleece one I made for his bed. But if he hadn’t thought to bring it himself, maybe he didn’t want that one. Maybe I would just send a generic blanket and leave the Cardinals one here.

That’s what I did. So now the Cardinals blanket can be tied with home. I don’t know if he’ll use the other blanket or not, but it was chillier in his room and this way he will at least have it if he wants or needs it. We we got home the Cardinals blanket was still on our bed from when I had switched it out with the generic blanket I decided to take instead. So now I’m using the Cardinals blanket as a pillow to rest my head.

He’s newly 19, an official Nebraskan adult. He’s a different person now, a separate person. For my own sanity I can’t think of everything. And for my own protection, my own healing and growth. We spent the early evening and night time together. We drove around town and the five kids sang songs. We stopped by Dairy Queen. We went our separate ways until the morning. We met up in Crete and left after the meet.

Today was a busier day again. This isn’t like the badge of honor type of busy that I’m meaning. I don’t like being busy, but I do like the things that I was busy today doing, most of them. In the morning I was at my practicum site. I’ve really enjoyed the time I have spent there so far. After that I picked up the boys and swung by my in-laws house to pick up some things my mother-in-law wanted to send along to Nebraska.

I came home and took a nap before heading out for another meet. I know we don’t have to go to every event our kids are in but somehow it’s become something we try to do when we can. When we first started doing this my mother-in-law said she enjoyed the days when my sister-in-law was in sports and she misses attending and watching the games. I understand what she means. She was able to come to the meet today.

At the meet I saw a woman who is on the church board of directors with me. She asked if I was going to the meeting tonight. I had thought it was supposed to be next week. Last months meeting I completely forgot about and if it weren’t for that then I probably would not have gone tonight. I don’t like feeling like I can’t really give myself in the ways that I’d like to. I’m planning to bring my paper and homework along for the ride.

This evening one of the boys and I walked down to the dining hall to look for suppers. Josh had gotten a text from one of the cooks saying she’d left us some chicken wraps and chips in the staff fridge. I have all this meat still from when I went grocery shopping and have yet to make a meal with any of it. Yesterday everyone ate with some family friends at the meet. The night before that I’d used chicken that we already had and was needing to be used.

I put the meat in the freezer so it wouldn’t go bad. Dad came home with other boys from the regular pickups and running a few other errands in town. He and I ate at the table and the boys ate in the living room. We caught up briefly before he had to leave for a school meeting. The high school is still trying to figure out what to do with their old and mostly un-usable land. As of now there still isn’t much direction as to how or where to build a new school.

Last night no one else had begun their paper sections either. For some reason I’m not all that worried about it. I worked on my sections for a decent portion of the day and got the title page and skeleton typed and sent to the other two in my group. I’ve kind of taken it upon myself to make sure this gets done and also gets done semi-decently. That’s at least the role I was playing today. I’m okay with my group and feel comfortable working with them.

Today I am still really missing my kids. My daughter stays busy and is often gone late for practice and sometimes later for youth group or doing something with Miles. She goes to his house which I’m fine with because I also know his mom. Of course I still miss my older son all the time but haven’t been crying every day since he left. It’s just this thing I’ve accepted that this is how it’s got to be and is another thing where slowly you will find the new normal.

I took this picture because I was trying to get a picture of the acorns. This is the time of year when they drop. It makes you watch your step more when walking on the camp roads because you don’t want to step on one and accidently roll your ankle. For some reason the air felt more humid today even though the humidity was only 48%. I wish we could’ve had more beach days this summer but every year is different. That’s just the way the seasons go.

This morning I dropped the younger boys off at school. Yesterday I picked them up a little later than normal. Josh had texted and said his dad was getting moved to the ICU because of tremors and other symptoms they were wanting to look into. They were worried about an infection which with cancer patients can cause more problems because of their immunocompromised state.

He’s supposed to go back to a regular room sometime today. This’ll be different than the rehab, so I’m not sure where that puts him for the current rehab he was getting. They do have the ramp built and ready at the house now. He has been in the hospital since August 9th and his health has continued to slowly decline. It is discouraging for everyone that he has not been able to come home.

There is a paper due next Tuesday which I am hoping to get started on tomorrow and finish Sunday. We’re supposed to travel to Nebraska this Friday and Saturday for another meet. I texted this morning with an update on Papa and to give a heads up that plans could change but as of now we’re still intending to be there. Cross country is in Pittsfield tonight. It was a pretty drive home.

I am trying to move forward in my life as a healthier person. These past several years have involved being in a hell hole of misery as I have had to deal with certain things about my life that should’ve been dealt with a long, long time ago. Most of it has hardly been talked about here. I don’t know why certain things have taken so long.

There is a narrative being shaped that I am not forming. It bothers me when I write here sometimes because it feels like I am trying to push my own story, like I’ve already got my life figured out. I absolutely do not. This isn’t some grand redemption story about God healing me personally so that I can then go out into the world and heal others. That’s what I want it to be. That’s how I’d want the story to go if I was writing it.

I do not feel like I am healed. For several months I’ve had this shooting pain in my left arm, radiating tingling and numbness, sometimes more of a burning. The left side of my neck is currently sore. My body has these bouts of feeling feverish when its not. These are all things that make me stop and wonder, “Now what?” I want to feel normal again. I make references to the mind-body connections of things, but sometimes there are no explanations. Sometimes you are simply too tired anymore to try and find any.

This isn’t meant to sound hopeless, this is just where I’m at. I am weary from traveling the same old roads. A couple of classes ago we talked about how it is not enough for a person to have emotional release either through venting, crying, or just expressing themselves. You’re supposed to come back and say to that person, “What was that like for you to share that?” They have to be able to put their feelings back into a story.

All I can say is that I have grown tremendously as a person. I don’t think I’ve ever had period of time where I have learned so much and been able to process so much. I am grateful for that time I’ve had, not that it’s completely over, but I’m feeling less inclined to examine and analyze certain things from my past. I am wanting a forward motion, not stuckness. There will always be here new problems to be had, new joys to live in.

Yesterday was a bad day, and today kind of was too. A bad day does not define your life. They happen, they pass, the world keeps spinning. I know that God’s ultimate will for us is flourishing, that is, for his people to flourish in love and community. We will feel and know this fully at the end of time when God returns from heaven to make all things new. And here we know in part. We are given glimpses of our sure and certain hope.

After church we drove out to the farm. We had to get the dolly from the shed that we needed in order to move the two refrigerators in my in-laws garage. They decided to build the ramp in there, and it’s supposed to be getting done sometime this week. Before that we had gone out to eat with my mother-in-law at MCL. We enjoyed our meal and got caught up with pictures of meets and floors. The house has drywall up now.

The boys and I went grocery shopping after picking up my son from the bus. He gets carted around a lot, either up to the hospital after getting picked up, or over to the other brother’s school to wait for practice to be over. Josh was at a camp fundraiser most of the day so I did the pickups. Normally we are able to split them up and it works out fine.

I forgot the grocery list at home. I really get so tired of writing sentences like that, and I suppose I could leave them out, but they seem like relevant details. Before going to Aldi we stopped at Culvers to get him some food. He’d forgotten his lunch, a rare occurrence. Thankfully a friend at school had shared but I still wanted to get him something.

They got rid of most of the normal check out aisles in Aldi and replaced them with those tiny self-checkout stations. Those come handy for situations, but not when you’re buying an overflowing cart full of food. It’s been a while since we’ve done this all together as the four of us. They always are a help, though today were a little more wild than usual.

Thankfully they still have one regularly staffed checkout aisle. There wasn’t a line when we start but by the end there were two guys waiting behind us. You get more assertive as time goes on, and with that comes less concern with others are thinking. The lamb code wasn’t working and it took a few minutes to figure that out. Part of life is learning to wait.

Aldi doesn’t have cat food anymore for some reason. So my daughter and I went out after supper tonight to get a bag. It’s pumpkin and mums season now. The pumpkins looked nice displayed outside of the seasonal corner shop and the mums were lined up outside of Country Market. I had no desire to buy any. We had a nice day mid-September.