I am trying to move forward in my life as a healthier person. These past several years have involved being in a hell hole of misery as I have had to deal with certain things about my life that should’ve been dealt with a long, long time ago. Most of it has hardly been talked about here. I don’t know why certain things have taken so long.

There is a narrative being shaped that I am not forming. It bothers me when I write here sometimes because it feels like I am trying to push my own story, like I’ve already got my life figured out. I absolutely do not. This isn’t some grand redemption story about God healing me personally so that I can then go out into the world and heal others. That’s what I want it to be. That’s how I’d want the story to go if I was writing it.

I do not feel like I am healed. For several months I’ve had this shooting pain in my left arm, radiating tingling and numbness, sometimes more of a burning. The left side of my neck is currently sore. My body has these bouts of feeling feverish when its not. These are all things that make me stop and wonder, “Now what?” I want to feel normal again. I make references to the mind-body connections of things, but sometimes there are no explanations. Sometimes you are simply too tired anymore to try and find any.

This isn’t meant to sound hopeless, this is just where I’m at. I am weary from traveling the same old roads. A couple of classes ago we talked about how it is not enough for a person to have emotional release either through venting, crying, or just expressing themselves. You’re supposed to come back and say to that person, “What was that like for you to share that?” They have to be able to put their feelings back into a story.

All I can say is that I have grown tremendously as a person. I don’t think I’ve ever had period of time where I have learned so much and been able to process so much. I am grateful for that time I’ve had, not that it’s completely over, but I’m feeling less inclined to examine and analyze certain things from my past. I am wanting a forward motion, not stuckness. There will always be here new problems to be had, new joys to live in.

Yesterday was a bad day, and today kind of was too. A bad day does not define your life. They happen, they pass, the world keeps spinning. I know that God’s ultimate will for us is flourishing, that is, for his people to flourish in love and community. We will feel and know this fully at the end of time when God returns from heaven to make all things new. And here we know in part. We are given glimpses of our sure and certain hope.

After church we drove out to the farm. We had to get the dolly from the shed that we needed in order to move the two refrigerators in my in-laws garage. They decided to build the ramp in there, and it’s supposed to be getting done sometime this week. Before that we had gone out to eat with my mother-in-law at MCL. We enjoyed our meal and got caught up with pictures of meets and floors. The house has drywall up now.