When I started having panic attacks again a couple of years ago there words that would come to mind that I did not want to say. I don’t know what panic attack means or feels like for others, but for me it always feels like I am dying. There is no other explanation for the sudden and bodily chaos. Thinking you are dying makes it worse. Saying you are not dying doesn’t make it worse, but it doesn’t necessarily make it any better. I thought I was dying in my sister’s bed and that I wasn’t going to make it home to be with my family.

It was in that moment that I discovered that the hardest but most peace-bringing thing was to say, “Lord, if it is your will to take me home, take me home. Otherwise, help me to live.” If I was dying there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop it. And if it was time for me to die there was absolutely no point in fighting it.

People used to say things that would drive me absolutely crazy. I’m talking about the things people would say about marriage whenever you would read the books or blogs. “Only God can meet your deepest needs.” It all sounded absolutely miserable, crazy, or weak. My deepest needs for what? Love? Faithfulness? Companionship? No. You master skills. You compromise. You figure out how to have a happier marriage so you don’t need to say such wicked things. You mitigate the pains of life so that now you don’t need so much from God.

“Only God can meet your deepest needs” was code for “I actually couldn’t figure out how to have a strong or happy marriage, ” which was a statement that was absolutely unacceptable to me. I could not handle that there were so many unhappy marriages out there, that this could be even be such a semi-common saying.

Why we have to be so dependent on God is something that bothers but also comforts me. I sometimes think that I have lived my life, I don’t need any more. I have done the things I wanted to do, namely, get married, have kids, be around at least for a significant amount of time for me to raise them. Life was good. Life was hard. Life sometimes felt like death, but all that did was make me want to be near God, to be okay with a life that lasts forever because in forever there will be no crying or tears. To be in need is to be okay.