The kids and I spent the evening at my in-laws house tonight. After practicum this morning I picked up the boys from school. Even with the busyness and added stressors I’ve thankfully been feeling pretty good as of late. I did take the afternoon time to rest until it was time to leave to take my son to cross country practice. My daughter’s team was practicing at the old high school campus, so after dropping him off we drove to the school and waited for about a half hour for the other kids to show up.

My heart feels blessed to have so many people it knows and loves. At one point today I had three children running at the same time in three different places. The whole thing of being a mom continues to be an exercise in trusting God. I used to think my mind had been completely wrecked because of being a mom. It seemed and can still seem at times like you carefree days are completely over, that is, your ability to simply be happy without the burden of worrying about people you now are responsible for.

It felt like there could never be peace. But today I had peace. Or at least I tried to again to practice the way of peace which comes again in the letting go. It’s weird. With my son being away you would think I would be praying for him more often than I actually do. But praying for a person is another way of thinking of a person, and it feels like I am supposed to not be thinking of him so much, that when I think of him I think of God, and know that God instead is thinking of him for me. I have peace in that.

My father-in-law was discharged from the hospital this afternoon. It feels so good to have him back at their house again. They have a hospital bed set up for him there. The hospice nurse was there for several hours today. Two of my husband’s aunts were also there to help get things settled. While they were out in the living room I was in his room and we talked. This is why we wanted him here. Because we could be with him and give him experiences and care we could not have given if he wasn’t close by.

I don’t understand this life we are called to, a life that sometimes seems so unfair. I think it to myself, but I don’t say it to God. I don’t need to, he already knows what I think. He already knows every thought, song, and mystery that confounds me. My heart is not lifted up, my eyes are open before him, and I have nothing to say because he has taken my words. I love you, I love you, I want to say back to him, and I say it to him quietly without saying anything. His banner over me is love and fulfillment.