My sister-in-law flew in today to stay with my mother-in-law for about a week. The hospice program provides a nurse or an aide to stop by the house 4-5 times a week. It’s nice because they deal with my medicine changes or communication with doctors. Up until it’s been my mother-in-law on the phone, leaving messages, and waiting sometimes days before anyone calls her back.

She has been a faithful wife to her husband. There is a special kind of beauty that is so plain, so inspiring, it makes you hurt and tear up when you see it. I have watched their marriage over the years as I’ve known them and there have definitely been things that I don’t understand and wouldn’t choose for myself.

But they came from that generation where you stick things out. I stand over my father-in-law’s bed when I’m there and wonder why this is happening to him. Caregiving is difficult and is in it’s way it’s own burden, but he is the one dying. He has visibly and verbally moved from the stage of wanting to fight the illness to looking forward to where this illness is taking him. Into Christ’s arms.

At first I thought everyone was just in denial about this. He never was though. The day he was diagnosed a little over a year ago he looked the doctor in the eye and asked if he needed to sell his business. “Let’s not get too carried away”, he said, but he was also honest in saying up front that his prognosis was grim.

But I think instead of denial it’s been a simple living of what is real. Bad things happen, but not only bad things. If Christ is not real for us in times like this then what was the point? But he is there. He is real. And so is the peace that passes all understanding. In the peace of God there is hope and strength to continue on to the next day. This plain and inspiring beauty has a name. It’s called love.

Our presentation last night was a bit of a flop. Basically we ran out of time at the end. We had not practiced except for once in the hour before class. There was a strict 15 minute time limit and we were told ahead of time that when time was up the presentation was over.

That’s exactly what happened. In addition, throughout the presentation the slide kept coming on and off of the big screen. You would be talking and saying your part, guided by what you were seeing on the screen, and then the screen would go blank. So then you had to look down at the other computer and continue on as of nothing out of the ordinary was happening. At one point the teacher told us to pause the time clock and we all fiddled with the computer cord. But after that it we just dealt with it.

I had previously mentioned being concerned about the time. The other group rocked their presentation and finished with a full three minutes to spare. The rubric had said that typically the presentation focuses on either the literature review or the therapy plan. I knew both of those parts had been included in the slides. I was wondering if I was the only person who had read that. We had each made slides for the parts of the paper we’d written. I spent almost two days reading through and editing to make things flow and fit together so I felt like I was very familiar with the material. I also felt like the part with the group plan was the bulk of the paper and included most of the information we needed to present.

But somewhere in that span of time I did not have the brain power to turn what I was reading into some kind of coordinated administrative action on my part where we discussed how we wanted to do this and what parts we might need to leave out of the slides. Mad is nowhere near the right feeling word, but I felt a lesser and duller version of mad that it seemed no one else had had that either. There was no discussing it afterward to process. No comforting or reassuring words from the podium. There was just going back to our seats and having the regular class lecture begin.

So anyway, that could’ve gone better but it didn’t. Today was another full day between being at my in-laws and being out again more for a few other things. I brought the boys home after lunch for some afternoon time at home. The pastors have been up at a pastor’s conference this week so I subbed today for our pastor who for this year teaches band and choir at the high school. I enjoyed doing that and seeing my kids in the hallways. Josh is staying the night with his parents to be support and an extra hand for his mom if needed.

I decided not to go to my earlier group class. I said the thing about feeling good but now I am actually very tired today. I laid down and realized I needed to stay here for a while. Josh has been talking about hiking the Grand Canyon or training to climb Pike’s Peak in a couple years with the boys. In a couple of years I think I could probably do it.

We finished our presentation slides today. It’s worth 30% of our grade so it’s kind of important. I’m still wanting to get straight A’s in my classes which I’ve done with the exception of an A- last quarter by only like a couple of hundredths of a percent. I know it isn’t what truly most matters. They say that sometimes in order to get an A in life you need to get a B in class. I agree but don’t always live by that.

Tim and a man who volunteers came over this morning to put new windows in the front of the house. Later this week they’re supposed to work on the back ones. I still want to get updated siding at some point but am happy for these. Josh and his mom are doing the pickups today. Last night we ate supper at their house and had a nice time.

The kids and I spent the evening at my in-laws house tonight. After practicum this morning I picked up the boys from school. Even with the busyness and added stressors I’ve thankfully been feeling pretty good as of late. I did take the afternoon time to rest until it was time to leave to take my son to cross country practice. My daughter’s team was practicing at the old high school campus, so after dropping him off we drove to the school and waited for about a half hour for the other kids to show up.

My heart feels blessed to have so many people it knows and loves. At one point today I had three children running at the same time in three different places. The whole thing of being a mom continues to be an exercise in trusting God. I used to think my mind had been completely wrecked because of being a mom. It seemed and can still seem at times like you carefree days are completely over, that is, your ability to simply be happy without the burden of worrying about people you now are responsible for.

It felt like there could never be peace. But today I had peace. Or at least I tried to again to practice the way of peace which comes again in the letting go. It’s weird. With my son being away you would think I would be praying for him more often than I actually do. But praying for a person is another way of thinking of a person, and it feels like I am supposed to not be thinking of him so much, that when I think of him I think of God, and know that God instead is thinking of him for me. I have peace in that.

My father-in-law was discharged from the hospital this afternoon. It feels so good to have him back at their house again. They have a hospital bed set up for him there. The hospice nurse was there for several hours today. Two of my husband’s aunts were also there to help get things settled. While they were out in the living room I was in his room and we talked. This is why we wanted him here. Because we could be with him and give him experiences and care we could not have given if he wasn’t close by.

I don’t understand this life we are called to, a life that sometimes seems so unfair. I think it to myself, but I don’t say it to God. I don’t need to, he already knows what I think. He already knows every thought, song, and mystery that confounds me. My heart is not lifted up, my eyes are open before him, and I have nothing to say because he has taken my words. I love you, I love you, I want to say back to him, and I say it to him quietly without saying anything. His banner over me is love and fulfillment.

My daughter and I went grocery shopping this afternoon. The woman at the lone check-out aisle had turned her light off, but thankfully when she saw our cart she said we could come to her. We had a pretty full cart full of lunch, breakfast, and snack-type items. This is how I think I want to do this now. It’s too much to shop for everything at once. Breaking the shopping up into parts seems to make it more doable.

I don’t have much to say tonight, neither do I feel like saying much. I tried to write a poem and called it “Silence”. It didn’t work. So I put the computer away and was going to do something else. I have this thing though where I don’t like to let the first day of the month pass by without posting. It feels like I’ve missed an important day if I do.

The paper that was due last week has to be a presentation now. It’s the harder teacher so she gave all kinds of thorough and depressing feedback. I really like school, but the projects and assignments can feel like a nuisance when so many other things are going on in the meantime. If I had unlimited money I would keep going to school and keep getting degrees. No PhDs though. I haven’t even the faintest desire for that.