Before my father-in-law came home on hospice, he asked if we thought he was doing the wrong thing by giving up. We were up in his hospital room with the boys. There hadn’t been any decisions made about not going to St. Louis, but we had all expressed feeling uneasy about sending him there. I didn’t know what to say to him and fumbled out something about him not really giving up. Later I texted my mother-in-law with more clear thoughts and feelings.

In the days following his death, my mother-in-law kept saying how she had no regrets. She’d always believed in fighting for him, and doing what needed to be done for him. In his final days he was home and he was comfortable. In the earlier days he was awake and talking and was just like himself. After weeks and months of him being in and out of the hospital, it felt so good to all be back in the house again where we have lived and spent so much time together.

I do have regrets, two at least. The first is that I didn’t visit him more. I had rubbed his belly with oil and advocated for his admission, but after that I didn’t go back, not as often as now I wish that I would have. I wasn’t really thinking in terms of limited time. Once everything was figured out, stabilized, once he was strong enough to come back. But things kept happening and he didn’t get better. He wasn’t getting stronger. He never did get to use his ramp.

The second regret I have is that during one of the earlier nights before we left, I was in with him for a while by myself. I wanted to tell him thank you for everything he’d done for me. There really is a phenomenon that happens where your entire life with that person begins to flash before your eyes. You start to remember things you’d forgotten about. The major times you spent together stand out. I realized how much I loved him and how much he had loved me.

I don’t know why I didn’t say anything then. But my mom ended up telling him for me several days later. My parents came up on the Saturday before he died, which was one of the last times I saw him truly awake and talking. He and my dad were talking about heaven and seeing each other there. My mom told him thank you for loving me, for treating me as his own, and for being there so much for our family. He and my dad shook hands. Mom kissed his forehead.