The younger boys and I played Scrabble tonight. The bigger kids were all out doing things. Two of them were at a local Lutheran church youth group. Ethan was meeting Laura for supper. Dad had a voter’s meeting. I probably should’ve gone but at this point I’ve kind of mentally checked out of that almost done position (not saying that’s right). I wrote my report and gave it to Josh to read. I was thankful he was doing that for me.

I feel like all I’ve been saying for the past two years is “I have this paper that’s due this weekend” “I have a paper I need to be working on”. I think my definition of paper has changed. “Paper” means anything that has ten or more pages. If it’s smaller than that then it’s only an assignment. Today I was working on my Multicultural paper which has to be 20-25 pages. The other one I have to do has to be 20. I found four more sources.

Today I decided that I’m not going to try super hard on this paper. I’m going to type things, get my required amount of pages, and turn it in. I think I still am a little hurt from the last one that I did try hard on. I’m not the only one who felt this way. I was talking with another classmate about our thoughts this afternoon. Something about this teacher makes us uncomfortable and it’s because our own issues are getting stirred up.

I remember feeling this way another time trying to write. Toward the end, I kept turning things in and it wasn’t right. No problem, I thought, I just need to be open and learn and be humbled. These people, after all, were smarter than me. I remember one piece I had submitted and resubmitted so many times that by the time I was on my last attempt to get it right I didn’t recognize it. I couldn’t remember what I had once wanted it to be.

And then it finally occurred to me that maybe this really isn’t about grit or determination or humility or grace. Maybe it was time to view this all from a different vantage point, from the view that a door had been purposely closed and the reason it had been is because God was moving you elsewhere. Maybe they really just didn’t want you. Maybe this really just wasn’t good enough. Maybe it was time to let go of that place.