This evening we went to my mother-in-law’s house for supper. Jessica and the girls are up for Christmas break. She and her husband have different break times this year so she went ahead and came up earlier, with him being scheduled to arrive sometime later tomorrow evening. I had another day of training for my new job today but felt alright enough to go along afterward. The day was good and there wasn’t nearly the amount of mental clamor as there had been before.

The kids helped my mother-in-law put up her Christmas tree. She didn’t want to do the big one this year. There are extra pieces of furniture in her living room that are waiting for homes in the new house which is getting closer to being completed on the inside. Something happened with the original lights so they restrung it using whatever they had. The top part of the tree has blue lights and the bottom part has clear lights. I liked that it was a little unconventional.

Before we eat everyone usually takes a minute to find their own drinks. There is usually some kind of tea in the fridge, along with a variety of sodas, water, or other canned or bottled drinks from the garage. On my way out there I caught a glimpse of my father-in-law’s sweatshirt that was hanging on their back hallway hook rack. It hasn’t always been there and I’ve always thought it looked nice. I noticed the sweatshirt along with several of his hats which looked strangely so real.

My sister-in-law was in the garage and I asked her if it was her sweatshirt or his. It was from Concordia Chicago where she went to school. I knew he had a sweatshirt from there but I thought maybe she had brought one up on her recent trip and hung it there. She said it was his and then we both had a moment of needing to maintain our composure. I wanted to cry then but we were getting ready to sit down and I didn’t want to make a scene. I wished we could’ve.

She said she thinks her mom is going to keep them there and hang them in the mud room entryway in the new house. We walked back through the tinier kitchen hallway that had at one time been widened when they did their remodel. I am going to miss the old house as it is the last house remaining from earlier years of my life. We had a nice supper around the table. The girls had helped make a couple of casseroles, with salad, rolls, and pumpkin cake for dessert.

This is one of those evenings where I open the computer and think “what in the world am I going to write for three paragraphs?” Sometimes things just aren’t as obvious. This morning I took the boys to school and then spent some time cleaning up in the kitchen. I made breakfast for myself and for my son who was the only one home with me but still asleep. Dad was doing a chapel service farther away.

After cleaning up the kitchen I laid down on the couch. I stayed there for probably two hours and fell asleep. Dad and the boys came home a little after 11. By then I was up again and had straightened up the living room, shaken out the tree skirt, and swept the dust and Christmas tree needles from the floor. I found the Christmas puzzles from last year and moved our card table into the mud room.

Then I drove to spend some time with a pastor’s wife and her children for the afternoon. It was nice to spend some time in their home. I smiled at the overflowing garbage and marks of young ones in every room. Her husband was in and out a few times dutifully busy with all the small town Advent pastor things. Dad and the kids went to church this evening but I decided to rest some more and stay home.

Today I had my first day of training on the floor. I think it went okay. Around the three hour mark (10AM) I was questioning whether or not I was really cut out for this work. As much as I love hospitals, there’s no way I could handle right now the pace and workload or even ever. One of the reasons I chose this place was because I was hoping it was something that’d be a little slower pace and less stressful.

It’s basically a nursing home that’s trying really hard not to be. But it is, and the part where I am training especially is, though I still would consider it within the realm of “a nice place”. I just kept thinking about the long-term care unit at my old workplace and how once you get to know the people and the routines it can actually be enjoyable work. There were over 20+ residents that you were in charge of.

So the 14-15ish on this unit is going to be doable once I learn and remember what it is I am doing. Then it’s less mechanical and becomes more personal. You really can feel like all you are is a pill pusher, the medical system is completely screwed up, and that you’re not really helping these people or making a difference in their life. But if you take it one day at a time, and start to know the people, that all changes.

I don’t want to sound overconfident. I guess I could still decide that I don’t really like it and end up telling the directors that this isn’t for me. I did think it several times. And imagined leaving around noon to tell the scheduling lady that instead of working on summer I’d rather go to REACH after all, maybe that would be better. REACH is the short-stay rehab unit. I told them I wanted to train where I was.

I’ve been in a funk the past few days but I think I’m moving out of it now. The days have been fairly busy and I am trying to keep up with resting from everything. I am sore and tired from working this shift. Tonight we drove around some nearby towns to look at Christmas lights. There’s a display that syncs their lights with music and turns it into an almost 20-minute light show. So that was a nice time together.

Today I picked the boys up early from school. Dad and Ethan were out at the farm and I was going to be meeting my parents for a short time while they were in town for holiday shopping. We met at Barnes & Noble. I love that store so much and it always makes me want to read, the kind of reading that isn’t school related. It makes me think that I would actually read all of the novels.

We ate lunch at Portillo’s. I learned something about my dad that I didn’t know, and that is that he used to live in the town where the original Portillo’s went into business. His dad used to take him there and when he did it was considered special. He paid for lunch which was nice. I didn’t get anything. Nothing sounded good to me.

My son did though so we sat in the corner booth until Josh met us to pick up the other one that did not have an orthodontist appointment that day. My sister-in-law and the girls are here so all of them went out for lunch. My son and I said goodbye to my parents and then we hopped on the interstate to Jacksonville. She took out the spacers he’s had for a while since he didn’t need them anymore.

The kids and I went to church this morning. Dad had to preach in Jacksonville–it’s not too far. They are currently in a vacancy so they call and ask him to come and fill in from time to time. There was talk about his name being on the call list there, but one of the men whose involved with the high school has told them he thinks he’s pretty happy where he is. There have been occasional inquiries like this over the past several years regarding call lists and interviews. He tells them he’s happy here.

One the way home I stopped by the store. I was short on ingredients for sick food. So I picked up some ginger ale and Sprite and a rotisserie chicken for chicken soup. I know soda is not the greatest thing for you but in the case of being sick, the sugars that are in it actually give the body energy more than plain water especially in the case of fevers. It’s not something I recommend drinking every day, but with ice and a glass jar there is something simple to it. Old wives tales are not complicated.

The rest of the non-sick kids went out to eat with Grandma and Dad. Ethan stayed in town to watch the NCAA Division I volleyball championship at Grandma’s house and then was headed over to Laura’s. Last I heard they were making cookies. The rest of us spent the Sunday afternoon and evening home. My phone told me today I’ve had a 22-week streak of less activity and less calories burned since mid-summer. I haven’t been trying much to get steps in lately but I didn’t realize it’d been that long.

The three older kids are at the Christmas dance this evening. We hosted supper again for the pre-dance meal. It was Elianna and Maddy, plus their two dates, Miles and Matt. In addition was Micah, who is also Maddy’s brother. Their parents are sadly no longer together, but the kids have stayed friends and have been friends since they were very little. Ethan also went along, technically taken by Miles. Matt and Ethan are both post-high school and worked at camp together last summer. They are also close friends.

At least I did not cry when they all left this time. My mother-in-law was also here for supper and joined my husband and I at the adults table in the living room–the younger boys ate with the others. Once the kids left we cleaned up the table and dishes. I did not do most of the cooking. Usually Josh does the meat and I do the sides, but he did everything this time. While he was food prepping I was giving the boys hair cuts. I know marriage is not about keeping score, but it’s still strange to me how much I’m not doing.

I was talking about this earlier with another wife and mother. She asked if there was anything she could send along, having sometimes sent along rolls and a dessert. I said we had everything and were good. Josh was getting ready to go to the store and I asked what the roll brand was she usually gets (food allergy friendly). And then she just insisted that rolls and dessert were coming along, thanks to her husband who was about to take a trip to the store and would make the dessert. And then I wondered.

Is this a special phase in marriage where husbands take over significant amounts of cooking responsibilities and complete almost 100% of the Christmas shopping? She hadn’t bought yet a single gift either. Her vacation planning and recovery had taken all of her brain cells. Women joke about the brain cells things but do men do this ever? Have we burned through more with the years of worry and birthing and multi-tasking? Or is this just one of those ways we are different? Manifesting as the weaker vessels?

She too had a similar health breakdown following the year her sister was murdered. Strange neurological symptoms including drooping and numbness in the face. The doctor said it was likely due to a virus though he did prescribe an anti-biotic that helped for the sores that had broken out on her skull. She had to quit all kinds of things and couldn’t do much for almost a year. She did go to counseling and started slowly getting better. In stressful times the face symptoms come back. Either way we were grateful.

The Christmas tree farm was closed for the season. I was worried the places in town would be fairly picked over, but there were still plenty of trees to be had. I don’t know how to Christmas in this new family season. When the kids were small, like all under ten, everything felt so natural to me. As a mother you had a sort of power over your children. You directed the day and created the light.

There was something undeniably God-like about it. And now I’m just mom. And the pains are still there, but they’re different now. Just like each person who lives here is, their personalities coming out and developing, whereas before they were just kids. They were themselves, but altogether one in a way that remains in my mind but has faded with time.

It isn’t strife or sullenness, the things that you would expect at this stage. It’s distance and me in my room while they decorate. I did eventually come out and everyone opened their Advent pajamas. Dad did the shopping for those this year. The one whose former pants were six inches off of the ground was grateful. The rest were too. Mine were green, a new favorite pair of pajama pants now.

My first paper grade came back on Tuesday. I got a 92% on the multicultural paper and was ecstatic. Three whole points came off because of mistakes I’d made with the reference years and at least two times she found a citation in the paper that wasn’t in the references list. That means if I had taken the time to double and triple check all of that then I could’ve done even better.

The second one was a 300/300 and I didn’t even know what to think other than that she had to have just been tired of grading papers by that point. Either way, I know these are just part of a long list of accomplishments that are fleeting and in the grand scheme of eternity, do not matter. But in the moment I enjoyed that feeling of completion and like I’d finished something hard.

The drive home from Nebraska went well. The boys and I woke up this morning and left the hotel around 7:30. My phone has been dinging very frequently the past two days with family texts about my aunt and requests for prayers for certain things. My cousin is putting a video together full of videos from family members for her birthday. I watched a preview and it’s turned out very well.

One of the boys and I left around 8 this morning for Nebraska. The students are off for Christmas break once their finals are done. Until recently I thought the last final was over sometime around 4:30, but actually there was one at 7PM. I’ve never heard of a final being given that late before.

There really isn’t much between here and there. Chillicothe, MO is about the most happening place where you feel like there are really places to stop and see things. So we stopped there and ate lunch at Applebees. We normally wouldn’t go to a sit-down place but we had no reason to rush.

We knew about the 7PM final several days ago, so I’m not inferring that I only found that out today. I wasn’t sure what we were going to do in the gap of time from when we were supposed to arrive and when the final would be over. We tried looking for a hotel in Lincoln but that ended up being a hassle.

I thought if we did that it’d get us home sooner, being at least a half hour closer when we started tomorrow. And then I was like, “Why aren’t we there like right now, watching practice? I decided to go to Seward and we’d just have to deal with having the extra half hour. It made so much more sense.

So here we are in the hotel room. The younger son and I did find the older one. We drove him back to his room and said we’d see him in a bit. After supper the two of us walked around the town square. We drove around and looked at lights then watched a small part of Home Alone 2 while we waited.

I wasn’t much up for a walk today. This morning I tried but didn’t get very far and this afternoon again I again wasn’t ready. Uncle Glenn called before lunch to ask about Christmas plans. One of the boys was on the couch having stayed home sick for the second day in a row. I’d started reading to him A Christmas Carol in a weak but genuine attempt to do something motherly. The nursing wasn’t as strong this time around.

He doesn’t know when exactly he’d be able to be here, but knows that it’ll be a struggle to find open restaurants on Christmas Day. I told him just to plan on being here Christmas morning, or that I’d at least plan for him then, and if something changes he could let me know. It truly don’t mind him being here, he’s family and has few other places to go. He’s been here Christmas morning before and I like when he comes.

Last night before class one of the other mom classmates handed out gift bags to a couple of students. I’d thought about saving my extra soaps for the girls at school but I ended up giving them away to my practicum co-workers. Which is fine, it was her turn to give that time, and mine to receive. It’s been kind of a long and harder semester and I’m thankful for women who text and joke about having to breathing into a paper bag.

I haven’t bought a single gift otherwise. Josh has been taking care of it mostly. I keep seeing Amazon boxes in front of the house. He’ll send the occasional text asking for shoe sizes or snack ideas. He’s been trying to take some vacation days between Thanksgiving and New Year’s. He gets four weeks of vacation here and it’s not uncommon to get to the end of the year with three whole weeks that never were used.

I’ve been in bed half the day. This time on YouTube I’m listening to “Music heals the heart in winter: Soothing music restores the nervous system.” It’s got a video with villages and snow-covered mountains. I don’t know how I started listening to these–they just pop up in my feed now–but it does have a soothing and calming effect. Whatever season this ends up being named, one thing’s for sure, it too would pass.