Tonight we went over to my mother-in-law’s house to clean. Mostly we were going through boxes in her room and helping her continue to sort through belongings. My husband’s aunts have been over there and have gotten a lot done already. There is no rush to sell the old house so that is nice. The moving date is set for February 6th.
I found a letter that I’d written my father-in-law when I was in college. One time I was down there visiting and something about my car made him take a closer look at it. Turns out it needed over $800 of repair work. He took it into the shop where he would normally take his cars and paid the bill. I’d forgotten that I’d paid him back for that.
The letter was dated October 17, 2002 which was not long before our New Year’s Day engagement. We’ve had so many memories together since then, 95% of them good. If there were any bad ones they were only misunderstandings that went unspoken on either end. I still think of him often and the lovely times when he was alive and here.
Last night we went to one of the Saturday night services in town. We’re trying something where if he has to preach at a church Sunday morning then we go to church together as a family on Saturday. Starting in March he said he’s not going to be doing any more pulpit supply unless it’s for something directly having to do with the camp.
None of these are easy decisions because we like the things we do. But the hard fact of things is that there has to be sacrifice when you’re raising a family. Commitments creep in and pile up and before you know it we’re compromising the agreed upon standards again. The boys and I are home this morning. Elianna went along. I didn’t have to teach.
The fragmented Sunday mornings have been bothering me for a while. And it doesn’t seem like something I’ve been able to cure with getting involved or changing attitudes. One step at a time though, and I know everything can’t be perfect and there are going to be things in our lives that aren’t ideal. We do have to bear with such things at times.
The boys are bored and wanting to go to Menards. My children’s boredom makes me restless as a mother. I could sit and relax and read a book for hours and be fine. I told them I would take them a little later after I had gotten some work done. I have a case conceptualization study due tomorrow for class. I still am struggling with my classwork.
So much that I’m thinking now that I also want to drop my trauma intensive. I will wait, however, and cross that bridge when we get there. The latest book I’m reading is called Becoming Elisabeth Elliot by Ellen Vaughn. I’m really liking it. The younger Elisabeth Elliot is very interesting compared with the stuffy and detached way I thought she was.
Tonight as a family we played a game called Happy Salmon. Having a child away at school has prompted some serious reflection on both of our parts as parents regarding the ways we’ve interacted or failed to interact with our kids as they’ve been growing up. It’s hit us both at different times. You value time even more as time goes on.
The kids had another snow day but the snow is mostly melted now. This morning things were still slick in spots but now it’s all puddles. That means the outside cats have plenty of water now again. When it’s cold like it’s been you have to make sure they have fresh water regularly because their water freezes in the bowl and they can’t drink it.
I had an assignment due yesterday that I didn’t turn in. I just put the computer away and went to bed without finishing. I really don’t like doing that, and tonight the teacher emailed saying that he hadn’t seen it turned in. I said I haven’t finished it yet and that I’d turn it in tomorrow. It’s a test critique of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator.
The kids had a snow day again today. I think we’re all enjoying these extra days at home together. It really was a mess of ice this morning and then rain and slush toward the afternoon. Tonight we’re supposed to have more freezing rain and everyone is waiting to hear if school is cancelled again.
I’m still feeling very relieved to not have to worry about another class. As the various teach-out options have come out from the school, I’m surprised by how many are going the fully online route. One of the things I’ve loved about LCU is the in-person classes. It’s really sad the school is closing. They have such a good program and excellent teachers.
One time in Hoyleton I remember looking out the window thinking, “Snowy days are great as long as/because there’s nowhere else to go”, and I felt so thankful that on that day and on many others I didn’t. I don’t know why that’s such a prominent memory, but it comes to my mind fairly often. I still think that.
I just read a Substack post by Samuel James titled Taylor Swift + Travis Kelce is Good, Actually. He gave ten reasons why. I think it was meant to be a serious but still light-hearted post. His reasons were fine and I generally agree with them, but it did not convince me to care more or have any particular feelings about whatever is going on.
My reason is because he is just a number in a long list of people she’s dated. I was happy for her and Joe, and those two I think lasted the longest, way longer than the others. I seriously don’t mean to sound judgmental, but I don’t see why Taylor Swift having a boyfriend is that big of a deal.
Miles, Graham, Aiden, and Maddy came over to walk on the lake. They came out yesterday too. It’s an attraction for camp kids to see the lake in different forms. Most people only ever see it in the summer. A few weeks ago a group from Miles and Graham’s church was here for an orienteering event. I couldn’t believe all of the similar aged couples and families, most of them homeschoolers. One of the moms came up to me and referenced “the pond”.
I didn’t say anything. I guess to some that’s what it is. The lake is so frozen these days that it doesn’t make any noise when you walk on it. When this group was here one of the parents made two huge pots of chicken noodle soup over an open fire in the dining hall. They had almost an entire pot of leftover. They asked if we would eat any of it, and if I had any leftover containers to put it in. I hardly ever turn down free food, but after digging through my lids and random Tupperware cupboard, I told them just to split it amongst themselves. I felt guilty taking their food for some reason.
They were all very nice. One of the things I like about homeschoolers are their creative ways to teach and learn. School teachers do this too, so I know it isn’t just limited to homeschooling communities. For me there was always a fine line between fun and creative experiences, and tiring yourself out with activities and the pressure to perform. Tiring ways are too much. We’re supposed to have icy weather again tomorrow so our professor already cancelled class.
We had another couple of inches of snow overnight. Josh came in this morning asking if there’d been any communication from the grade school. The high school had been cancelled. He opened my email and skimmed the message. Down at the bottom it said that most of the area schools were open today, but if you wanted to keep your kids home for the day that was fine.
“Well what do you want to do?”, he said. We’d already made our drop-off and pick-up arrangements, he was dropping off and I was picking up. “I mean, that means we’d still have to get them there and get them back”, he said. “I don’t care”, I said, “just let ‘um stay home.” I hadn’t even known it was supposed to snow. Sometimes they cancel school the night before so everyone already knows. One of the boys had recently told me before bed, that the way he feels going to bed when he knows there’s a snowday the next morning, that’s how he used to feel every night.
So we had another snow day here. Besides grocery shopping and cooking supper, I wasn’t productive at all today. Elianna came with me. Later in the day we watched the college indoor track races online. First the one, then the other, and in other news Matt Carpenter is back on the Cardinals after signing a 1-year contract. Once a Cardinal always a Cardinal with players like that.
Thine the truly, Thine the yes Thine the table, we the guest ~Herbert Brokering~
It was warmer today, less biting outside. Dad and the kids went down to the lake again. I haven’t made it that far. I guess I haven’t the interest. Today I stuck to the main path, turning around at the swings. The outside cats have been holed up in the roof somewhere for the past several days. That’s where they go when it’s cold. They came out yesterday and were out again today, back to roaming around.
This morning I met with an woman whose house I visit on occasion. She’s quite a bit older than me, but that doesn’t seem to stop us from being able to connect. She always has questions for me to answer, that she’s written in a notebook as if she thought ahead and prepared them. Today was no different. One of the questions today was, “What does your morning routine look like?” I only had one certain answer, “I wake up every morning at 5 when my husband’s phone alarm goes off.”
One time I went with questions for her. This is one of those relationships where I feel like she’s giving more. She gives me plants to put outside of my house, snacks and drinks while I’m there, questions and verses to stimulate my thoughts. I can’t help but think I’m older now, I’m not a child now: I need to give back now. She asked me to pray at the end so I did. If I can do nothing else, that at least I can do.
The events of the past week are still fresh and affecting me. I think I thought I would be able to come home, take a day or two to recover, and then be okay to continue plodding through with life and school. My bed day didn’t even really hit me until today. The kids were off school again, this tie for cold instead of the holiday. Josh took them all to his mom’s to help with packing. They spent the afternoon there.
While they were gone I was going to work on school. I was behind with a few assignments that he’d just told me to turn in whenever. I’d tried to work on it down there and I couldn’t. I tried to work on it again today and all I could do was stare at the syllabus and think, “I really can’t do this.” Everyone says it’s an easy class, and so I thought I could handle two easy ones together. It was too much now.
So as of this afternoon, I dropped it. This means I won’t have all the classes done when the school closes. So I’m a little disappointed about that, but at the same time feel relieved. Four classes when nothing else is going on is okay. But honestly since the beginning of last spring, I have been dealing with additional emotional strain that hasn’t really come with many intervals of letting up. I am tired from all of it.
I think this is the fullest season of life we’ve ever had. Between the kids and their needs and activities, family members beginning to pass more, and our own individual things that the two of us are each involved in, it seems part of our responsibility to ourselves, each other, and others is to keep the white space of our lives from becoming too crowded. More than ever we need clear priorities, boundaries, space.
The work of death is ongoing. It doesn’t just come into our lives and then leave. My grandmother is praying for everyone else. My extended family is very sad. My mother-in-law is getting ready to move into her house near the end of this month or early in February. There is much that has had to go on since my father-in-law left us that does not include the pain of continuing on and living life in his absence.
Besides God obviously, the work for me as a wife and mother has been centered on keeping family first. Someone has to make supper, to make sure food is there to even make the supper with. It’s a part time job itself just to keep this place in decent working order at the very bare minimum level. The stuff influx management. Keeping the linen closet from becoming an unbearable view of disorder. This all takes work.
While they were gone I rested here. I want to have time and energy for the many things that matter, such as helping my mother-in-law move or talking to my kids or making supper. We don’t outgrow this. This sounds like I’m making a case for quitting my class, but I’m really just processing, just centering myself and taking time to rest and be. We’re all different, it looks different for all of us, but maybe not too much.
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