I’ve been thinking lately that there are things in my life that could change or improve in ways that would only require just a little bit of effort. This started in the Kohl’s fitting room when I caught a glimpse of my face up close. Fitting room mirrors aren’t usually kind, but with taking into account those adjustments I thought, “Why don’t I care more about my physical appearance? Why am I still so inept? Why haven’t I learned?”

And so I said to Elianna, “One YouTube video a week. That’s all we would have to do.” To commit and apply ourselves to learning some new hairstyle, fashion tip, or eyebrow grooming technique. Going to her wasn’t anything against her own beauty or style, but an effort to have a friend to learn alongside of. I don’t think she was totally against it, but it wasn’t the enthusiastic response I was hoping for. I think she’d do it though.

And then again when everyone was here for her birthday. We have a chalkboard in the dining room that has morphed over the years with the different seasons. It now serves as a giant family calendar, separated into days, evenings, and mornings. If there is something going on it goes on the calendar. Dad to Pittsfield. Dad to Salem. 7PM Elders. LuHigh. No one was here when for weeks it was two days a week Mom Work 7-3.

But that was a different kind of feeling. It was the self-consciousness from feeling like you have nothing to show for your work, when you’re around those you think could never fully understand. There was already one doctor’s appointment up on the board. I’d crossed off another, not wanting them to see two. But the time was still there. “Oh, do you work tomorrow, Rebekah?” No. I’d told them I’d be freer again after this week.

The same thing happened again while we were sitting around the table eating supper. The topic of homeschooling came up. And it’s never the things that I remember. They didn’t get grades. We just skipped our math because we didn’t know how to do it. One didn’t even do math through all of seventh grade. All we had to do was do our work and the rest of the day was free to do whatever. One was bored for three months straight.

We had a talk on the way home. And though it was not my intent to make anyone feel bad, nor was it theirs, I did have to tell them that homeschooling, that motherhood in general, was something I had put my heart and soul into, that I had given the most energetic years of my life for. And it wasn’t about grades, it was about being a family and enjoying time with your parents in a way that many children never experience.

And about work ethic, and the real-life experiences of resolving conflicts, and having chores. And not being cooped up in a far away building for seven hours. And again, getting to actually see and spend time with your parents because the time you have with them in your life is actually very short, and then you grow up and that time is over. I don’t know how well I expressed all this then. They wouldn’t understand it even now.

So no, I am not working tomorrow, nor am I currently applying for my dream job as a Synod higher-up in an education position with a resume of relevant and actually very impressive work experience. She’d be perfect for it and I hope she gets it if that’s God’s plan. I spent my morning today decided and determined that I really do just need to make another series of meal plans. They can repeat every two weeks. It’s that simple.

And I opened up my email to get to my google docs tab where I was going to type out weekdays and food ideas. But before I did that I scanned my emails and clicked on the Substack post from a fellow Lutheran mom. In her post, she linked to another Substack post about writing. It was called Women and Christian Publishing by Jen Pollack Michael. I read the article and skimmed through the comments. I’m still digesting my thoughts.

So that was probably 30 minutes, who knows. But I came away with sense of peace about where I am at. I am here with my family still growing and changing. And while some things have gotten easier, some things, like meal planning and keeping up with the food, continue to be challenging as we all still require daily meals to sustain us. I have let all that go now, my heart full in knowing that I have nothing more to prove.