I write about food like it’s this ongoing outward thing but it’s really just something that exists inside my head. So I can think for years that if I could just be consistent with weekly meal planning that this would basically solve my homemaking food problems. And the result of this solution? That I would no longer need to think about it.

But here’s the thing–I’m speaking plainly–being consistent with designing and following weekly meal plans, even weekly meal plans that you make up once and then simply rotate throughout the seasons, is not something I have been able to do. And it drives me nuts because I feel like somewhere, I should be far more advanced by now.

Here’s what I know: We have to eat everyday. Traditionally in our family it has been my responsibility to work out the logistics most of the time to make sure this happens. And like the laundry, or much of the cleaning, is this something that I resent having to do? Honestly, no. Do I feel like there are times when I could do a better job than I’m doing?

Sicknesses and life seasons aside, yes. Do I sometimes get this gnawing sense that with just a little bit of focus and intention that the task that so often seems overwhelming to me could be relieved by approaching it in a little less scattered way? Again, yes. So what does this mean? Because it is too much for me to try and plan everything out.

Maybe there actually exists somewhere people who actually do this, women who are particularly gifted with organization and detail, and meal planning is one of the outlets they have for this quality. But I would argue that this is not the vast majority of housewives, or just the normal people out there who are getting by in the day to day.

A couple weeks ago in class we were talking about the Myers-Briggs types. Some of us were P’s, some of us were J’s. The J’s are the one who supposedly like to have things scheduled and operate best in a more structured way when things are planned out. P’s are ones who prefer less structure, leaving room for spontaneity. I am more of a P.

What I wanted to know was, do J’s struggle with nagging thoughts such as “Oh I really need to let loose a little more. I need to learn to be a little more flexible”? And then I explained that this was my struggle, regularly thinking, “Oh I need to be more organized”. I buy my planner and am proud of myself for doing that. It does help.

There was only one student who had anything to add. He’s a J and he says he recognizes where his J-ness could be a problem. And then the teacher said that it’s good to be able to grow in areas where we’re weaker, in organization, in flexibility, etc. But also, at the end of the day, we have to be able to get to a point of, “Okay, this is me.”

And not want to change it. In other words, to accept and appreciate the special ways our strengths and qualities add to the good of the world. So for me this means that it makes sense why trying to plan out the exact meals and make a shopping list for each week for me to follow is something I can do but also feels like impossible drudgery.

It’s because I’m trying to meal plan like a J instead of a P, which is actually who I am. So how would a P meal plan? With a mental template. Let’s say I need five suppers this week. Typically it’s good to have a substantial amount of food for growing and hungry people. Lunch doesn’t have to be crazy but it’s nice to do something more for it too.

And besides the “go-to” memorized recipes like tator-tot casserole which I know everyone likes, let’s just say you follow a general rule to have a meat, potato/starch, and green vegetable option for the evening meals. So when I go to the store that’s what I’m looking for. A couple of bags of yellow potatoes. Brussels sprouts. Frozen stir fry.

Frozen chicken thighs. Pork chops. Beef roast. THIS IS FINE. I don’t have to do it another way. Nobody is asking me to. This works. And if it at some point it stops working, then I can adjust and do something different as needed. But it is actually less stressful for me to do it like this where I can live as who I am instead of trying to be different to no avail.

I’m still working my way through this Elisabeth Elliot biography. There are two. The one I’m reading is about her early adult life, particularly the time leading up to her preparation for and earliest work as a missionary, her brief marriage to Jim and the grief, longing, and uncertainty following that loss, and her time as a widow living among the Waodini tribe which is the same tribe that her husband and his fellow missionaries had loved so much and longed to befriend.

By the end of the book she ends up back in the states. I haven’t quite gotten there yet. There are other things to do besides read, like today when we went to church. Dad had to preach in Jacksonville to help out with their vacancy. There are 34 vacancies in the Central Illinois District and I do feel bad for that. Not that this is directly related but I really think every church needs to have at least 1-2 elders who are able to fill in on a Sunday morning for the pastor. They could be trained, their sermon could be approved ahead of time or if it’s too much they could just leave it out.

There wouldn’t have to be communion if that would bother somebody to not have a pastor doing it. After Sunday School the kids and I stopped by County Market to pick up a few items for lunch today and school lunches. They had corned beef and cabbage all made for St. Patrick’s Day. We enjoyed that yesterday when a family whose baby Josh was baptizing invited us for lunch in the CGC. It was good to see them. I am very grateful for the meals we’ve had along the way.

Casper didn’t get up when we came outside. He was still in his milk crate and did not look happy. Later after our walk he still was there. About 90% of the time, the abscesses get better on their own. But his was not getting better and now he was acting sick. None of the walk-in animal places were open so we took him to the Springfield Animal ER. They sedated him then drained and cleaned the wound and gave him an antibiotic.

So he’s supposed to stay inside if possible for the next few days so we can keep an eye on him and keep him out of the elements. The first time this happened with another cat they said flies and gnats can get in there and lay eggs, depending on what time of the year it is. While we were out this evening I stopped by Walgreens to look for pre-filled saline syringes. Instead I found a normal saline wound wash spray. I’m going to clean it the same way I was doing with the tunnel wound at Concordia. Twice a day, normal saline flush.

This wouldn’t be a bad abscess protocol here. They said he should be feeling better within 24-48 hours. I had the heater on in our room where I took a nap this afternoon. The doctor said when it comes to exercise to do 50% of what I think I can do and that I was still young to have those kinds of limits. So I’ve been thinking about the 50% and what that means, and what it would look like to apply that to other things as well. I could try it.

I’ve been thinking lately that there are things in my life that could change or improve in ways that would only require just a little bit of effort. This started in the Kohl’s fitting room when I caught a glimpse of my face up close. Fitting room mirrors aren’t usually kind, but with taking into account those adjustments I thought, “Why don’t I care more about my physical appearance? Why am I still so inept? Why haven’t I learned?”

And so I said to Elianna, “One YouTube video a week. That’s all we would have to do.” To commit and apply ourselves to learning some new hairstyle, fashion tip, or eyebrow grooming technique. Going to her wasn’t anything against her own beauty or style, but an effort to have a friend to learn alongside of. I don’t think she was totally against it, but it wasn’t the enthusiastic response I was hoping for. I think she’d do it though.

And then again when everyone was here for her birthday. We have a chalkboard in the dining room that has morphed over the years with the different seasons. It now serves as a giant family calendar, separated into days, evenings, and mornings. If there is something going on it goes on the calendar. Dad to Pittsfield. Dad to Salem. 7PM Elders. LuHigh. No one was here when for weeks it was two days a week Mom Work 7-3.

But that was a different kind of feeling. It was the self-consciousness from feeling like you have nothing to show for your work, when you’re around those you think could never fully understand. There was already one doctor’s appointment up on the board. I’d crossed off another, not wanting them to see two. But the time was still there. “Oh, do you work tomorrow, Rebekah?” No. I’d told them I’d be freer again after this week.

The same thing happened again while we were sitting around the table eating supper. The topic of homeschooling came up. And it’s never the things that I remember. They didn’t get grades. We just skipped our math because we didn’t know how to do it. One didn’t even do math through all of seventh grade. All we had to do was do our work and the rest of the day was free to do whatever. One was bored for three months straight.

We had a talk on the way home. And though it was not my intent to make anyone feel bad, nor was it theirs, I did have to tell them that homeschooling, that motherhood in general, was something I had put my heart and soul into, that I had given the most energetic years of my life for. And it wasn’t about grades, it was about being a family and enjoying time with your parents in a way that many children never experience.

And about work ethic, and the real-life experiences of resolving conflicts, and having chores. And not being cooped up in a far away building for seven hours. And again, getting to actually see and spend time with your parents because the time you have with them in your life is actually very short, and then you grow up and that time is over. I don’t know how well I expressed all this then. They wouldn’t understand it even now.

So no, I am not working tomorrow, nor am I currently applying for my dream job as a Synod higher-up in an education position with a resume of relevant and actually very impressive work experience. She’d be perfect for it and I hope she gets it if that’s God’s plan. I spent my morning today decided and determined that I really do just need to make another series of meal plans. They can repeat every two weeks. It’s that simple.

And I opened up my email to get to my google docs tab where I was going to type out weekdays and food ideas. But before I did that I scanned my emails and clicked on the Substack post from a fellow Lutheran mom. In her post, she linked to another Substack post about writing. It was called Women and Christian Publishing by Jen Pollack Michael. I read the article and skimmed through the comments. I’m still digesting my thoughts.

So that was probably 30 minutes, who knows. But I came away with sense of peace about where I am at. I am here with my family still growing and changing. And while some things have gotten easier, some things, like meal planning and keeping up with the food, continue to be challenging as we all still require daily meals to sustain us. I have let all that go now, my heart full in knowing that I have nothing more to prove.

Much of the day was spent out at the farm. We went over around lunchtime. The kids and I played a dice game before it was time to eat. There’d been some excitement throughout the morning when one of my nieces discovered there was water leaking from one of the downstairs ceiling lights. The contractor sent his guys over right away to figure out what was going on. They were over there cutting holes in the ceiling and bedroom drywall trying to determine where the leak was coming from.

They finally determined it was coming from the master bathroom shower. It turns out the tile guy is going to have to tear out all the tile and then completely redo it. The contractor was very embarrassed and apologetic but insistent that the problem would get fixed. My mother-in-law really wasn’t too worried about it. There’ve been several kinks like this that have needed worked out since she moved in to the house.

They’d bought some chicken and pulled pork from Sam’s Club, so we had sandwiches, chips, fruit, and Girl Scout Cookies for dessert. The chicken was really good. I don’t know what it is with pulled pork anymore but it has become one of those meals that I do not get excited about it. I really don’t like to complain about any food, but sometimes you just have something so often as it becomes the go to meal for every church function or family gathering. Food is hard, it’s just one of those things.

We spent the afternoon hanging out and playing outside. The kids set up a badminton net along with some other yard games. Three of us took a walk along the distance of the lane, so a mile. That was the most I’d walked since feeling better again this time. I have some more exercise thoughts and ideas but I will save those for another time. My mother-in-law and I stayed inside while the others were outside more.

She and I eventually walked out to the creek. They have a small cemetery along the border of the property. She said people used to come on occasion and wish to visit but that now no one comes. The others had walked out there to see it, as my nieces had never been out there. It’s surrounded by a stone wall and Josh’s dad used to burn the inside of it to keep the grass from growing too tall. We sat on the patio steps and watched them all walk back from across the field. It was another nice day.

“You comin’?, he asked me. “Yeah, I said, wondering what time it was, “what time do you want to leave?” It was 5:38 and he wanted to leave at 5:45. “Well, go get dressed”, he said. I’d changed back into my green Christmas pajama pants. Elianna and I had been out earlier taking her shopping for shorts. We finally found some at Kohl’s and then went to McAllister’s for lunch, which is where we occasionally go when out.

The oppressive sleepiness that comes in the spring has returned, at least it showed up for me today. I took a nap this afternoon and felt better. I came back out to the couch and read for a while. While doing so he’d come and sat down on the other side of the couch next to me. I love when he does that. They say you’re supposed to express to husbands when they’re doing something you like. “This makes me happy”, I said.

Not long after I thought maybe I should’ve been more specific and not had it be so much about me, something more like, “I love it when you sit down and relax, when we can just be and enjoy the other person’s company.” But I said what I said. I kept on reading and he Facebooked for a time before closing the computer and falling asleep. His mom gave us their old living room couch and ottoman and they’re so much nicer.

The old one made my his crooked unless I was sitting exactly in between the cushions. The boys had broken the pull out bed that was with it and so that didn’t hasn’t worked right either for a while. But this was one also has a pullout couch that isn’t broken. we drove to church and it was soup night for the Lenten meal. I wasn’t terribly hungry, still being full from my sandwich at lunchtime. They gave us a container of some leftovers.

Dad had to leave to get dressed and ready. After church I spoke to the woman behind me and we chit chatted as we occasionally do. Her son and his family would be coming in for Easter, so she had cleaning to do. Not understanding, I asked, “You mean you still have to clean when it’s only the two of you?” She laughed, and said “Oh yes”. I guess there is a lot of dust still. I told her I’d be happy to come over and help. She laughed.

We celebrated my daughter’s 17th birthday this evening. Her birthday was actually yesterday, but there were things going on. She and Dad were driving home from Nebraska after taking Ethan back on Sunday. One of her birthday presents was going to see Dune in the Ravoli theater in Seward, which they did Sunday night. The boys and I were pretty much bums and hung out.

They wanted to stay up all night, and hounded me again until I forcefully said “Fine!” They’ve lived a different life with me and that hardly ever happens where I get exasperated or impatient. But when it does they’re not happy because they want me to be happy when I say yes, not mad at them somehow. I don’t remember what was said but we eventually worked it out.

I woke up to the sound of minor discord around 1:30. I went downstairs and they were playing their computer games. One was upset about something and I said, “Alright, it’s time for bed.” They didn’t fight me about it and they all settled down in different places in the school room. They slept in until about 9 or even later. All of the rest of the kids are on spring break this week.

We went out to run errands and drove through Chick-fil-A for lunch. We were home in tie to put up some decorations before Josh and Elianna were home around 2. That way we were at least acknowledging the birthday on the actual day. I had class that evening which was the main reason we weren’t doing it then. I called my mother-in-law to see if she wanted to come over on Tuesday.

She said yes and that my sister-in-law and brother-in-law and their girls were going to be in town too for their spring break. So they were all over tonight and it was fun. Our birthday songs were more robust with more singers. Dad and the boys worked on boiling more sap today. I went to the store and shopped for food and with joy and ease all pitched in with the food and cleaning.

The cabins all have Bible names. The girls cabins are Esther, Rebekah, Elizabeth, Hannah, Miriam, Sarah, Mary, Rachel, and Eve. There used to be a cabin Naomi but a tree fell on top of it and smashed it. The boys cabins are cabin Enoch, Solomon, Joshua, Jonathan, David, and Daniel. There used to be a cabin Stephen that was turned into a pavilion because the chimney was falling over so they tore it down.

Cabin Ruth is first aid. There used to be a lot more girl campers than boy campers. There still are usually more girls, but the ratio of boys and girls seems more even to me now. The worst was during square dancing when the girl counselors would usually have to be boys, so you would never get to actually dance with the real ones.

One cabin isn’t a Bible name. It’s cabin Sasse which is actually the nicest boys cabin. It was built by the family of the maintenance man who used to work here. They wanted it named after him. The cabin that matches it, Eve, was supposed to be named after another family where the dad was the director for many years. But they didn’t want anything named after them. I like Sasse though. I wouldn’t change it.

God, why has this not left?

It’s tearing me up

Not because I’m not happy

But because I still want

What you will never take away

Your turning over

Our forever expansion

My eternal muse

She startled me when I came up the stairs. I saw her standing outside the door, bent over petting the cat. I’d told the boys we had to clean. I rested for about a half hour and gave them tasks to work on in the meantime. Tidy the shoes. Sweep the mudroom and kitchen. Empty both of the downstairs dehumidifiers. Vacuum the school room. One even cleaned the bathroom without me having to ask.

I opened the door for her, not sure how long she had been there. She said she was trying to not let Dipstick inside. He still hangs out close by the front. He’s also had two recent abscesses near his tail. One recently healed and now there is another one. We still need to take him into the vet soon anyway, I just have not gotten around to doing that. She came inside and I told her the boys were downstairs.

Dad and I drove into town to pick up the pizzas. This whole thing has me wondering how involved we’re supposed to be. I would love to be the one giving all the advice. Asking, “What are you going to do?” You should take her on a walk, down to main camp where the lights are. I suppose there’s room for some of that, but then thought too, that so much of what’s special is going on your own journey.