Sometimes I torture myself, and apparently others, by playing Phil Collins songs on repeat. Torture is probably too strong of a word but one of the boys did ask how many weeks I’d been playing it. I know it hasn’t been that long and there are definitely other songs I’ve rotated. I did something I hardly ever do, I actually don’t think I’ve ever done this. I told him if he didn’t like it he was more than welcome to go somewhere else.

It was one of those, “Well that escalated quickly” situations. There was nothing escalated about it. He looked a little surprised, but I wasn’t mad, and he didn’t seem to be either. In fact, we both then kind of laughed wondering what that was all about. I was on the couch and he was on the chair trying to write a conclusion. I’m not sure what’s going on with school but everyone needs help with their homework lately.

“Mom? You gonna be on there most of the night?”, referring to one of three laptops we share, especially in the evenings when they’re in high demand. Another one texts to communicate, another is waiting for Dad, who came home and told me one of the cooks called and said the debit card wasn’t working. The boys are back upstairs, and there’s nothing more. I tell him no, I won’t be long. All I’ve got to do is write this down.

We went to church in Auburn tonight. The youth were in charge of the Lenten meal and helping to lead certain parts of the service. Josh was asked to come and talk about camp after church. Dad and the boys and I left around 5 to pick up Elianna from the track at the old high school. Ethan was there helping with baseball practice. They have a sweet little church community there.

I had so much to say earlier but now just don’t have the energy to write any of it out. All day long I have wanted to write but did not have a good stretch of time to do so. This morning Ethan and I went and visited Jeremiah’s grave. I was not expecting it to still be unmarked. The cemetery is huge and we wouldn’t have found the site at all had it not been for the cemetery office that gave us a name map.

The boys had piano practice today. We came home from that and I laid down before it was time to leave for church. One of the boys has a social studies project he’s working on where he has to make a travel brochure for a South American country. His is Columbia. I said I would help him but he’d have to come in our room. I had more energy again today so I was thankful for that.

It rained this morning. I like when the windows are open at night when it’s raining like it also was last night. Tim did something to the outside of the house to where he rerouted the gutter so the water wasn’t just pooling outside of the boys room. He dug a trench and buried tubing so that the water drains into the woods. We lost power for a few hours the other night because the winds snapped a power line.

It is a little weird having a child come home who’s been gone for a while. Not in a bad way, just that you’ve adjusted and things have changed since they left. Even in two months the dishes system was different. I still have pangs of sharper emotion following exchanges where feel again I’m living in this new different. Sunday he asked to go to Laura’s after church and planned to spend the rest of the day there.

It’s happened every time he’s come home so far, where something hurts from the scab of his leaving getting scraped off. But like I said, I am at peace and feel that too, and of course I am always glad when he’s home. The high school was having a fundraiser tonight selling chicken dinners. Josh had ordered eight of them, so we had one extra that was split amongst the dinner eaters. It was a nice meal shared.

The three older kids went to school today. He has to shadow a teacher over break for one of his classes. His major is Mathematics. They left this morning and didn’t get home until around 5:30, the usual time once track practice starts. My other son is trying track to see how he likes it and he came home having done something to his hip. Dad and I drove the younger boys to school together then stopped by Hae’s.

I’m starting to feel better again but still didn’t do much. I was mostly in bed again. Whatever this latest recurrence is has really been a more prolonged one. The walks I was going on were 100% motivated by wanting to look a certain way. So was the beginners weight workout that I only did once because I didn’t think it wise to do again. I’m just going to have to get over all that. I know where those ideas come from.

The spring intensive started today and I’m really glad to not be taking it. I told Josh I was going to do my own intensive researching things about PMDD and GABA neurotransmitters. We had a nice dinner tonight as a family. Dad had the kids do their reading time and then skill time. One of the boys made a sign for the outside of the house. He didn’t think the letters looked very nice but I thought it was great.

I called and talked to my mom today. I usually call her when I’m needing to talk through something important and I’m seeking advice or a second opinion. Somewhere in the conversation she pushed back a little when I used the phrase about something not being normal. “Where did you get that idea from?”, she asked. I at first thought she was meaning something more like how Jesus said that in this life there will be trouble.

And she kind of was. “But”, I said, that doesn’t mean we just don’t do anything to help ourselves or ask for help if there is some sort of way to potentially get it. Her point was it was normal to be dealing with something. There is the woman at church with degenerative, and at times debilitating, Meniere’s disease. And the woman who suffers from chronic migraines. And the man who needed surgery for his kidney problems.

How many more do we not even know of? It’s baffling to think about. And even though I know that human life is riddled with way more than even the multitude of physical problems, you just don’t always see those things. But they are out there. We reviewed the handful of things that I have known to have been helpful for me in the past, and she encouraged me to be consistent with those things, those basic things. I agreed to that.

Dad and the boys returned home last night around 10:45. He’d earlier again in the morning around 6 to pick up our oldest from school for spring break. One of the boys had rode along with him. The birthday cookies and presents were ready for us to celebrate once they arrived back home. The other boys who were home had set up a camp site in the raised yard behind the dining room. They wanted to sleep outside.

I finally consented. I wouldn’t have cared except for the fact that it was still supposed to be colder. At 1AM I woke up and went outside to check the fire. They were all asleep. I put some more logs on it and went back inside. At 3AM I woke up again and went back outside. This time one of them was awake and the two of us went up and down the stairs to replenish the woodpile. I came back in and moved my blankets and pillows downstairs. I had asked Josh earlier if he could check on them at five when he woke up.

So I fell asleep in peace and didn’t wake again until almost 7. Earlier today camp had their pancake breakfast between the 10-1 hours. Our maple taps are out now and the sap was boiling. We had a lot bigger yield this year. I was working on an assignment after wanting to redo it for a higher score. It still wasn’t great but maybe better. For whatever reason my brain just wasn’t having it with this particular assignment.

I went down to main camp to visit for a little while. I wanted to, yes, but I also am just tired of being the one who is habitually and oddly not present at events. I probably should’ve stayed home. The talking to people was great, but seemed slightly too much. For anyone who has not read my past two now deleted posts, I just haven’t been feeling that well again. I finally went to the store yesterday but not because I had the energy. The boys put it all away and we enjoyed the night. Elianna left to come home by 10.

The past two posts included me working out thoughts that have led me to the conclusion that basically, it isn’t normal to be so laid up in the time when you’re leading up to, on, and getting over your period. I’ve done the tracking. I’ve got the information, I just need to know what to do with it, to know what to do that could possibly change this. I am open to suggestions. I am looking into medicine. I just need to do something.

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I took a nap this afternoon. Their boys were having their joint birthday part at Grandma’s. Sometimes they’ve been with us on the actual day and other times it just works out better to combine and celebrate on a different day. I wanted to go but didn’t think I was up for going, not sure if it would make me feel worse or not. I told Josh I have no idea how I can go from feeling great and normal to feeling like this.

He said maybe it’s version of the flu that’s been going around, or maybe the mono coming back and getting retriggered. Or maybe depression. I thought maybe I had just overdid it on the walking, even though it felt fine at the time. He still had a sermon to write so we weren’t going to be staying super long at Grandma’s. Plus Laura was going to be there.

And this was going to be Ethan’s first time seeing the house. And my daughter asked me to go saying it would be fun and I could just sit in the chair if I wanted. I did decide to go and I am glad that I did. Grandma made supper for everyone and I felt okay enough to help clean up afterward. She had three barstools for us to work on to put together. The kids all helped and I helped too so I wouldn’t get antsy. It was a fun night.