Casper had been missing for at least two days. Today I would’ve likely had the boys go out and look for him, but one of the cleaning girls brought him to the house this morning. She had found him in the Retreat Center when she went in to clean. He went straight for the food. There’d been a school group and then another group here toward the end of last week and then over the weekend. He loves when the groups come.

We have a new loveseat in our living room now. Yesterday morning the teacher dropped it off. He helps with a small country church nearby here and was going to be in the area so he brought it on over. I wished I could’ve shown him around the camp but he seemed a little rushed and pressed for time so I didn’t offer. I worked on my paper for most of the day and turned in at 9:30. The UIS summer class doesn’t start until June.

I was thinking the other day that I might have been being just a little bit greedy when talking about what I could do more for school. To have gone and finished once was a gift in itself. To have gone back a second time and had this experience was something I don’t think I’d ever even thought to do. Not recently. I’ve been feeling slightly emotional today thinking about it being over. I am grateful for the time that I was given at LCU.

The baseball and track kids had their senior night tonight. Last year I don’t remember why, but I didn’t go. It’s crazy to me how fast this time of year has come around again. It truly feels like we were all just doing this. I know I sometimes complained about the schedules but in my deepest of hearts I truly loved it. It was just enough crazy to be right on the edge. I was looking forward to a home game tonight but it was cancelled.

After senior night we went to Culver’s to support whatever sports team was having a fundraiser. I got water instead of soda just to try and exercise some kind of balance. French fries used to be my junk food of choice where you could never go wrong, but even those are not as delicious as they used to be. It was food though and everyone was fed for the night. I saw a couple of parents out with their little kids and watched.

It’s been a couple of weeks since I talked to my grandma. I think it was more like sometime before Easter, which would actually mean it’s been closer to a month. When she moved back down to Florida, I don’t remember when it was, there was a part of me that felt like I lost her. It wasn’t going to be the same from then on out.

I felt myself pull away. She was too far away now and I wouldn’t be able to visit or see her like I had been able to when she was living up here. She was in a good place with my aunt who had wanted to take her back to take care of her. But their relationship was strained at times, as many relationships can be at times in this life.

But ours never was. At times I’d feel like I was hearing about a different person, a side of her I didn’t know and had never known. She wasn’t like that with me. “My Becca”, she would say to me for years over the phone. I wasn’t sure how I could go on without her. What would I do without the greatest encourager I’d ever had in my life?

The way things go here, she could very well outlive me, so I don’t suppose I should get too ahead of myself. When we moved away from her, she said it was like we all died. I can’t imagine having your grandkids living so close for those years and then having us move so far away. I hadn’t thought about her pain at all. I was oblivious.

I know she’s happy in New York. The kids are homeschooled so there are always people around. One of the grown-ups is always at home, and as she says often, “They’re so good to me, Beck.” And she will say that God has been good to her too. I do not know why I do not call more, but somehow, I know she isn’t holding it against me.

The boys and I went for a walk this afternoon. The bigger kids had a track meet in Carlinville which Grandma had offered to take them too. Dad had an LWML conference up in the quad cities. He left early this morning before anyone was up. I’d set my alarm for 3:20 and went downstairs to wait for the texts. Miles was taking Elianna to my mother-in-law’s house from after-prom which weirdly ended at 3. Hers came in around 3:38. His came in about ten minutes later.

I woke up to my son watching TV in the schoolroom. He didn’t know I was down there. I went upstairs and made coffee and mentally prepared for the day. There’s one more paper to write and turn in on Monday. It isn’t due until the evening so that is nice too. We had to take these career assessment tests as part of this class and for part of this paper. There were six sections that a person could be divided into based on how they answered the questions. My first section was not a surprise–the one with the helping professions. Nursing. But the second one, with an equal score, did surprise me.

Investigative work in relation to the sciences. All of them. Geology, anthropology, medical research, etc. So that was kind of fun to read. I didn’t get much done today. I usually need about a day just to think about the fact that it’s needing to be done now. There were the usual Saturday things that the boys helped with this morning. We vacuumed the living room and switched out the bag. I used the little vacuum then to vacuum the sofa and any lingering cat hair.

The boys and I stopped at the swings. They like to go high still but for me swinging almost makes me dizzy. I either have to actually swing or not move while sitting on it. The slow barely there swinging motion is too much. After that I said, “Okay, let’s keep going to the Shalk Shelter”, which is down by the outdoor chapel and the new woodshed where camp stores most of the woodpiles. They showed me where they’d seen a snack in the shed before the banquet. “How big was it?”, I asked. About three feet long by the look of his arm length. It’s better when the snakes stay out of sight.

I don’t remember the walk back. I am trying to think of it, whether we walked back together or whether we talked about anything or said anything I can recall. I must’ve dreamt it all away. My school email is going to be shutting down in about a month so I went through and moved over certain emails that I wanted to keep, with a question I’d asked about the Trinity and Augustine. I made sure my son’s senior pictures were also in the other email. We went for two walks today.

Elianna and Miles had prom this evening. This afternoon I took her in to get her hair and makeup done at this nicer spa and salon place in town. They did a nice job and sitting in the makeup room I started wondering what all would be involved with going to cosmetology school. I really couldn’t see myself doing haircuts and colors, but makeup and special occasions styles I could see myself doing. The makeup girl also did facials.

I looked up several different schools and didn’t really find anything that seemed like it would work. The cost even for one of the schools was not all that much less than getting another post-college degree. I have looked for what else I could do as far as school goes but have not found something that jumps out at me yet. A lot of these other ones seem like they wouldn’t be as long because you wouldn’t have to do all the clinical hours.

We met the group and a good number of parents at Harvest Market for pictures. It had rained all day so this was the plan when Washington Parked was crossed off as an option. I found myself getting emotional when saying goodbye before they left to go to dinner. With the middle ones I didn’t have the same time to think and to feel, for their uniqueness to stand out. More and more those times have come and I’m glad for them.

One of the boys and I went to the library this afternoon. I don’t know what it is about librarians around here that makes them great. We normally go to the Sherman library but we have to go to Athens to renew our card. They’re always so happy to help or see people read. Yesterday after piano we stopped by Sherman and broke the ice. The younger librarian had had two babies since the last time I’d been there.

I knew she’d been pregnant with the first one, but two had me floored. The one I’d seen in the store looked up our account just to see what was going on with it. I told her my last name but she said she remembered. It was a little weird. It felt a little like the WIC ladies where they’d been so nice to you, in this case she’d waived countless late fees and always so eagerly looked up whatever book I was asking about this time.

Another lady had once said, “You know you can look these up online, right?” I actually hadn’t known that. All this time I had probably seemed like this lazy bum who couldn’t think for herself or do something like look up books on an app. The lady in Athens helped me get the app reset up today as well. All I had to do was scan a code, and she didn’t even know you could do that. I learned about the codes from my daughter.

There’s a groundhog living near the upper backyard. I saw him while I was in the living room working on my take-home exam. He runs away if he sees me move, so this time I waited until he was out of sight of the window before getting down on the floor in case he came closer. Before this I’ve never seen him come up onto the deck. Low and behold he stood up at the glass door, looking inside. He looked around then walked away.

I almost volunteered to help over the summer but I refrained. Summers are her crazy time when the moms and grandparents are coming in with their kids. She was getting ready to decorate. When she looked up our account and again erased the fees, she said she’d let my son check out his book if he wanted but I said no, I’d already told him we’d get the card first. I didn’t want to take advantage, I wanted to do things the right way.

The Athens library doesn’t open until 10. One of the boys asked if we could stop there sometime to look for a book. Library time was one of the casualties of Covid. I saw the nicer library lady in the grocery store not too long ago. We passed each other in the frozen foods aisle but I don’t know if she saw me. You look away and keep walking.

But I’ve got to make sure our card is up-to-date which I’m almost certain it’s not. Something has gotten off in our morning routine where the boys aren’t getting school until well after 8. Before, if we left at 7:37 we were pushing it but still good. Lately I turn on the car and it’s 7:50’s. One used to care more but I think he’s just accepted it now.

In the middle of the kitchen this morning it hit me, I had to ask, “Is everyone doing okay right now? Is anyone suffering silently and needing to talk or not saying anything?” I’m going to school for mental health and kids are apparently struggling for all kinds of reasons. And teens, and young adults, and the list goes on all the way up life’s stages.

“Mom, if we were, we’re not going to tell you right now”, she said. In the middle of making a sandwich or me filling in another downstairs on what the after school and dinner plan is. I’m trying to be courteous. People in general like to know what is happening. Dad’s going to Nashville for chapel in the afternoon to talk about camp.

This morning I was sitting up on our bed, the morning light now growing. It’s my favorite light to be seen in and I had been seen in it. But not long after the other feelings were back. I was looking at the floor, at the piles of my clothes in front of the still fairly organized bookshelf. The tipped over paper bag of mail that I’d moved for company.

“Why is it”, I asked, “that these piles just stay here, and I can hardly make myself engage them.” It didn’t used to be this way, I went on. There are too many podcasts and gurus out there who talk about email strategies, routines, and deep work. About your outward environment being a sign of what the inside looks like. If things are a mess then you are.

Why is this my standard for having things together? I hardly even listen to that stuff now. He does. “I feel like I used to be able to do it, and now it’s like I don’t even see it.” I did want an answer, but if I haven’t figured it out by now, I didn’t think there really was one. All the years of closet cleaning and thinking once I get it this way then I’ll be happy.

“You’ve got a lot more things going on now”, he said. I think I stared a little longer, then turned around, aware that something had just happened. “That was a very empathetic thing to say”, I said to him, “Thank you for saying that.” It did mean a lot. “You’re welcome”, he said. Driving back from taking the boys I thought, “I’ve got my own style.”

For some it’s Bohemian, and for others it’s Chic, or Classic, and I really am not that informed to be saying. Mine is “Whatever I’ve got”, and it works. Why is being put together outwardly the sign of having it together inwardly? How about if you, for the most part, have inner peace? Or if you’re generally at rest in home and relationships?

Deep down I think we know this, that it’s the inside that counts. And that’s not to discredit the value of wisdom or the insight that the two, the inward and outward, are somehow related. But even true wisdom isn’t everything, and there are even greater insights than those. So I was satisfied enough to keep on going, and I didn’t doubt it.

The kids’ track meet was cancelled this evening. It rained for a significant portion of the afternoon and even hailed. By the time school was over the rain had passed and they probably could’ve had their meet. But I was thankful it had been cancelled. The weather feels like a mercy at times to give you a break from the traveling around from here to there, though this year’s sports schedule is much lighter without all the baseball games.

Yesterday evening was our last day of classes for LCU. Our teacher gave us the choice of having shorter days for last night and next week, or just having one longer night where we combined two class times into one. We chose to combine the days. The teacher was giving away stuff from his office and I said I’d take the couch. It’s a dark brown loveseat that matches pretty well with the sofa we have in the living room. I still have to get it.

There is a paper and take-home exam that are still due next Monday. So I worked on some of that today. In order to be fully accepted into UIS I still need to get one more transcript sent over from a summer class I took at Lincoln College the month before we got married when I was gathering nursing prerequisites for when we’d eventually get to St. Louis and the seminary. There were several transcripts like this that they needed.

I didn’t need any of these for LCU, and I thought maybe that would’ve been enough of a reason for them to waive the requirement, but no. So at some point I have got to make myself get a self-addressed stamped manila envelope and send in a form along with it to this address where they have archives for colleges in Illinois that have closed. Lincoln College closed around the time I started at LCU. It was interpersonal communication.

Miles decided to go to college at a little Baptist college in Hannibal, MO. It’s only about an hour and a half from Springfield. The high school is having a public signing event where students who are playing sports in college get their pictures taken and sign a paper. He’s going to be doing track and soccer. I did have a hope that this would maybe convince Ethan to transfer and join Miles. They could be roommates and everything.

But it sounds like he told Miles he wasn’t interested. Dad was gone all day at a job fair in town. The head cook stepped down over the winter and he still hasn’t found anyone for the summer. These kinds of positions are extremely hard to fill these days. It’s not like the olden days where there are just women out there whose families are grown and their passion is cooking and this is their thing they love to do. The hours aren’t ideal.

You’ve got weekends and evenings and it isn’t full time with benefits or anything like that. I wish I could do more to relieve the burden but it isn’t me. I can help here and there, but to do the whole thing would be too much work and stress. I used to dream about us having a family here and it being like our little family business where one of my jobs was stripping the beds and cleaning up the Christian Growth Center rooms.

That I am much more happy to do, and able to honestly. You don’t have the performance and pressure issues that come with the cooking. There were lots of people who took flyers and maybe a few prospects. I need to pray about these things more because obviously the person who can do the most about it is God. I slept today for what felt like a couple of hours but it couldn’t have been that long. It was during the rain.

After Ghost died we planted a tree in his memory. When I had seen his days were numbered, I went to Target and bought a roll of burlap in the gift section. I watched him under the piano and bound his burial bag with yellow ribbon. It was gold like he was.

Dad dug a hole in the corner by the fences. That afternoon a couple of the kids and I went to Lowe’s to buy plants. I had no idea what to buy, but what was left of the selection included a pallet of gardenia trees. We came home with one plus one hydrangea plant for either side. I was originally going for symmetry but in the end it worked out. The hydrangea plants were the cherubim. And the open path to the gardenia tree meant the tree of life was no longer barred. There’s even a grapevine, leftover from a Lowe’s trip from several years ago, that miraculously grows.

I never planted the echinacea. I watched it in its pot, tipped over in the wind and dried up by the sun. And I lined up the rocks, and matching more to make a border. Those greens did not outlast the fires, but for a summer, there was Eden in my own backyard.

The cats were happy to have us back. The smell when we walked in was not even as bad as I was expecting. As long as you keep the windows open often enough to air out the rooms then it is manageable. It isn’t at the odorless level I’d like but it’s something I have accepted having to deal with for the time being. What was much worse was the hotel room this morning when we walked in after breakfast.

You really do appreciate the creature comforts of life when you’re on the road traveling. A comfortable bed, a clean bathroom, food that isn’t going to make your intestines uncomfortable, and, as my brother added, time with family just to name a few. This was such a fun little trip. We stayed in St. Joseph again last night but at the cheaper hotel that had a pool, but by the time we got there I was too tired to swim.

Or do anything except to get into bed. Dad took them still. I woke up when they came back and changed out of their swim trunks and turned on The Shawshank Redemption. I don’t think I ever could’ve crawled through the tunnel. The sewer one I could’ve done, but the first one that was just the dirt, I would’ve had to dig it out larger. He was also lucky that the sewer hole wasn’t covered by a grate at the end.

We did not stay up and wait for the new Taylor Swift album. But I have slowly made my way through about half of it on the various rides. We picked up the boys from the dorm on Saturday morning and had about a half hour drive to the meet. For the close ones the team is supposed to find their own rides, so we drove Ethan there as well. It was an exciting race, this time the 1500. My goal had just been to watch it.

I felt like I was going to throw up when it was over. I started walking away in the opposite direction of the finish. Josh sent me a picture and said he was fine. I’d sent him down to the other side to see if he was okay. I was sitting by the concession stand fence shaking and crying. It was a just a release of whatever. My brother sat next to me and said, “It’s alright, Beck.” They all came over soon after and we talked.

I started five songs on the way home from Nebraska. I mean like ones that I’ve written. So far the titles are Figured, Lucky Ones, I Said She Said, and Maybe This Time. The other one I didn’t have a title for yet. I hate to say this but I haven’t been a huge fan of the past few albums. At some point you can’t relate anymore. There are a few okay songs but the rest just seem to be more and more, well, morally depraved.

She does still inspire me though with the way that she writes. It is interesting to see what happens when exploring the depths of female freedom of expression. None of the songs I wrote today were things I haven’t said before, but listening to Taylor made me want to write my own album. It’s just finding that balance of saying what’s true without saying too much, and not just expressing feelings but inspiring new ones.

Elianna didn’t come along. She had a bigger meet in Rochester that she wanted to stay for. Since it was bigger we could watch her events live-streamed, just the times. Apparently this is bigger deal meet that I have missed now for the third year in a row. I was hearing about the things that went on last year and told my son good job.

And also Elianna who I texted via Grandma. She’s staying with Josh’s mom tonight and tomorrow. The boys are staying in the dorm tonight so I hope they all is going well. Josh and my brother walked to a gas station to get cigars and drinks. I was perfectly content to stay here in the room.

Earlier we watched the boys 5k race. It was mostly Concordia boys except three. One of the seniors was going fir his last chance at trying to break the school record. His PR from last year was only a few milliseconds off. He didn’t get it this time but still was running amazingly fast. The remainder of the college meet is happening tomorrow.