My brother and I spent the day hanging out. I had told him that I was needing today to be more of a rest day so I wasn’t going to be doing a whole lot. I made sure there was food to eat and worked on the laundry. Besides that though we had a self-declared lazy day–his words, not mine. We talked on the couch and called several siblings. Later we talked to Mom and Dad when we heard there was severe weather down near Irving.

Dad sent us pictures of the clouds when the storm was over. He couldn’t remember the name of them, but he said they were kinds you didn’t see too often. In the background Mom said something about cotton ball clouds. We had windy and rainy weather here in the evening. Before that he and I and the boys had gone to the store to get some food to take along for the car ride. We’re traveling for a weekend track meet in Nebraska.

We had to go look for Casper this morning. Josh walked all the way down to main camp. I walked out to the road and called to him where he is sometimes across the street in the neighbor’s driveway. He didn’t show up until the afternoon, so we missed his appointment today. We were supposed to bring him in between 8-8:30AM. I didn’t think of it soon enough, but we should’ve brought him in last night when he was on the roof.

*this is only a guess, I don’t know

The kids had a track meet in Pawnee this evening. They’ve had a long day. It started out leaving for school around 7:30. Josh took the kids and first dropped off the little boys. Then he took the older kids to the high school where they were meeting with the others. He drove a bus of about 23 kids into downtown Springfield where a March for Life event was being held. They had Matins at 10 at the downtown Lutheran church.

I wanted to go but stayed home. The day prior had been long. I’d driven up north with my brother and mom to take him back to his apartment after staying with my parents for the past week following an appendectomy. We ended up coming back home with him still with us. He spent the night with my parents last night and then he and my mom met us today at the meet. He’s staying with us for the next several days.

So I’m looking forward to that. With my younger siblings especially, the affection I have for them isn’t quite the same as it is with my own kids but it is similar. It was nice to sit and visit with my mom and brother at the meet. The kids did well even if they don’t always think that they do. Josh drove the track bus back to the school and somehow they were home before me, my brother, and the boys. We ate supper soon after.

Something about my food story wasn’t adding up. In the moment it had happened so fast that I didn’t have time to think about it. But through the rest of the day, on and off, I could not shake a nagging question. They say you’re supposed to use wisdom when bringing up potentially touchy subjects. Is your husband stressed? Is he in the middle of doing or thinking about something else? These aren’t good times to brings things up.

But sometimes all the rules can get to be a little much. What’s a life partner if you can’t even ask them a simple question? If everything must be filtered with these carefully measured amounts of striking just the right balance? I imagined him getting a text from his wife in the middle of talking with all of the pastors. The old ball and chain that you can’t get away from. Drinking their beers and talking around the trading post campfire.

And I thought, you know what? He can answer me whenever, but right now in the moment I was ready to verbalize so I texted from the van after class had been dismissed. “I’m just wondering…”, I started out. I wasn’t consciously thinking this then, but John Gottman talks about using soft start-ups. You’re less likely to activate a person’s defenses. “When you heard so-and-so say something about taking the food…”

Why didn’t you say something know that I had already asked for it?

He didn’t know I had asked. It’d been another one of those instances of miscommunication. If he’d known he would’ve said something. And I was satisfied with that. If that’s all it was well then I didn’t have to worry. It didn’t have to be about why I wasn’t important enough to speak up for in a potentially awkward moment, or why he’d left me to do the work of confronting.

“Well I did.” I had to say it. I wasn’t trying to be a pain, contentious, or obnoxious, or heaven forbid like the woman who’d make you rather sit on a roof. Sometimes I think Solomon brought some of that upon himself. And I think it’s unfair that the women didn’t get to write their proverbs. And if he was the one who was so in love, whatever happened to the one he was in love with?

I would’ve said something, he said. And that was that. We moved on to other things, or rather, I drove home, my curiosity satisfied and heart reassured. I went to bed when I got home with him still down at the campfire. I wasn’t sad, I was simply noticing. There was a time when the chance to be at home alone in a bed together was the number one thing either one of us would’ve asked for.

I follow a woman on Instagram @heybeginnerwife. This morning I saw a post where she was saying that she used to get irritated with her husband because he didn’t notice things she did to take care of herself, in this case a manicure. She finally realized she was being silly for putting that pressure on her husband to notice.

I didn’t like the implications. Why does it seem with this kind of advice that the happiness of the woman doesn’t come from actually receiving something she wants? Rather she finds it by realizing she was silly, by denying her desires, in this case, for her husband to notice and compliment her nice nails. Josh was on his way out to make sure coffee was ready in the CGC. I asked him if I could show him this video. He said sure.

And then I said that I was showing him this video because the woman in it said something I didn’t fully like and after the video I was going to explain why I didn’t like it. So if he could find something to affirm in what I said or see my point then that’d be good. And it was actually funnier because I said that. And I was happy.

Everyone is away from home today. Josh has a pastor’s conference in town. The older kids are at school. The younger boys are at Grandma’s after she picked them up at noon and is keeping them overnight. I have class tonight and Josh will be busy through the night hosting the pastors who come back to camp for supper. As always these are only the tentative plans.

We had an incident this morning where a kitchen helper came to prep a few things. I had asked Josh earlier about the leftover food in the dining hall from last night’s supper meal. He said if I wanted it I better go get it, because someone had discovered it and was making plans to take it home and split it in their own determined way. It wasn’t something that had been asked about.

This made me mad. In what was some kind of internal surge of assertiveness, protectiveness, and probably brazen selfishness, I texted the person and said the leftover food was already spoken for. I didn’t want it disappearing by accident. The person replied and said they were glad that I said something. I drove down later and put the trays in the van.

My stomach has been hurting the past couple of days. I feel hot inside, like my insides are inflamed, my joints as well in my hips especially. And it isn’t just physical. It’s like all of a sudden my wounded pride woke up from a nap and started shouting, “Enough. Enough!” And I write things in my journal like, “I’m really going to have to watch it this month.” I ask for awareness.

I believe in the mind-body connection but I also don’t mean to make it more than it is. Certain cycles are more peaceful and others have more disruptions to work through. It’s this combination of alerts to real things that are needing to change, and then having to process what has already happened and needs to be released and let go of. You realize this is called forgiveness.

Tonight’s banquet went really well. The catered food was delicious and the crowd fit nicely in the dining hall wing. Our speaker was Mary Kate Zander who is the executive director for Illinois Right to Life. She drove all the way from Chicago, and then turned around and went back. I was tired just thinking about it but she also has a five-month old baby which makes total sense. You don’t want to be apart for too long.

I’m not normally much of a political activist type of person, and since I had never heard of this woman, I didn’t really have much excitement or expectation for her talk. But I ended up finding myself captivated by her in some way. Her confidence in standing up in front of people and talking, the way she said, “Can you all hear me okay?”, and when the man from the side of the room said no, she decided just to hold the mic, and proceeded to talk for long time, switching the mic back and forth with her hands.

I hadn’t any idea the stuff that was going on with “abortion tourism”, where women travel across states to access abortions in our state where it is legal. The numbers were staggering regarding how much government support is received by providers. I welled up when I heard the words “Project Love”, which provides grants to women experiencing crisis pregnancies, for things such as overdue rent or fixing their cars.

Camp has their annual banquet tomorrow. Registration is down this year and the proposed reason is because one of the members at one of the churches is having her 60th birthday party. Many of the camp supporters would be going to this event. We went down to decorate today. I didn’t know what exactly I would do but after being in the building I drove the camp truck back up to get the vacuum and my basket of rags.

At work yesterday one of the housekeeping girls was dusting the railing. She held up the rag to me and said something expressing surprise at the dust. This dusting thing has stood out to me lately as something that matters. So one of the boys and I dusted the ledge that goes around the inside of the building and around the windows that people will see. It could use more, but for now it does look better than when we first found it.

I really would clean more here if it lasted. I sent pictures to my sisters this morning of the mudroom. Besides the piano which I take full responsibility for, the clutter strewn all over it, the boots and shoes, the litter box, the standing work desk with two tables, the general state of disarray and fullness, none of that stuff was mine. I did throw the hallway curtain in the wash hoping to find the source of the cat smell that is often there.

One of the curtains touches the floor and I think it absorbs things. Casper lost indoor privileges after spraying on my Jane Eyre book that sits on a lower bookshelf. I’ve got an appointment for him coming up soon. It always takes at least a month or two before you can get in. I don’t say anything of this to be gross. The cleaning schedule we have actually works pretty well we’ve just been busier and it hasn’t been done for a few days.

I offered to help with the cleaning over the summer. To wipe down the ice maker and the dining room garbage cans. The area around the dishes window can really become atrocious. I used to think the answer was training the trotters, when each cabin takes a turn cleaning up after meals. But you don’t have an eye for these things until you are older I’ve discovered. It’s because you’ve lived some life that you notice these things.

Today was a scheduled day at work. It was the 9-5:30 shift so I did not have to worry about getting up early though I was awake a little before 5 and have been up since then. I really do enjoy this job. I still feel very new even though it’s now about five months since I started. So far everyone is still being kind and patient when it comes to my questions, and it does make me wonder how long that can last. You just treat others with respect and kindness and hope they will do the same to you.

When I came home I was hungry. I didn’t get out until 6:30 because the doctor had come a little later and that ended up putting me an hour behind. I didn’t really mind it all I just like to be done and head home when the time comes. Josh and the boys had already eaten and were cleaning up the kitchen with music playing from the living room. There was a plate saved for me in the oven. Food tastes immensely good when you’re hungry. I’d taken a lunch and eaten it but it’s never as much as I’d eat at home.

I’m blanking now on what else to say. The kids had a track meet at PORTA high school yesterday. I stayed for about half of it and took one of the boys home with me. Supper was already halfway started and then I finished making the rest of it so it was ready when everyone else came home. It was very windy outside, but nowhere near as bad as last year’s Williamsville meet. The other moms agreed. I still have to MapQuest my way out of Petersburg, doesn’t matter how many times I’ve been there.

We had a meeting today with four members of the UIS counseling faculty. It was an informal get together over the lunch hour to start to get an idea of where we are in our program and what our goals are for finishing. It was me and one other student. I’ve seen him on campus but have never had any classes with him. During introductions he said he’s retired from doing something with teaching technology to inmates. He went back to school because he was bored.

Three of the four faculty members had visible tattoos and on the sidewalk I was walking with what seemed to me kids. I still don’t have any exact answers regarding when I would graduate, though it’s looking more and more like it will take now another whole year, so three more semesters plus a summer class this summer. I could possibly get it all done by next spring, but because of the way their course schedule is laid out it would require me to take three classes this fall while also doing internship. They have semester-long classes instead of quarters. I haven’t any interest in doing a fuller semester along with Thanksgiving and Christmas ever again. They seemed to think that was a long time to stretch things out, but I told them I really was fine with it.

It does feel though like I am disappointing people when they continue to ask how school is going. It’s just one of the automatic questions people ask when they talk to me. Since I began, the total completion time has gone from 2 1/2 years, to 3 years, to now probably and most very likely 4. Either way, I am thankful now to have not been having to do an internship yet. I do not think I would’ve been ready to put in the hours. If this is meant to work out for me then it will.

I haven’t been out for walks much lately, so I’m limited to whatever I can take from the side the of the road. It’s a vicious cycle. You need move to have health and energy, and you need health and energy in order to move. This afternoon I visited a high school friend’s mom, who much to our shock, I hadn’t seen in over a year. She’s 78 and says I don’t want to hear about all of her physical and cognitive ailments. I said I really wouldn’t mind. That’s what she and her friends talk about now.

But I did go out for walk tonight. I checked in with my son to see if he was free to Facetime. He wasn’t at the moment, but later. So I talked to him later, nothing pressing or important, mostly just to say hi. He was chattier tonight which I will take when I can get it. The other boys wanted to go out and spy on a camp group. I said they had to be back by dark and it was already almost there. After hanging up the phone I put on my shoes and drove down to main camp to see if I could find them.

When I returned home they were back at the house. I’d left my phone here so they tried to call Lauren to see if she’d seen me down at camp looking for them. They figured that was where I was. Dad has a meeting so after supper he headed out to Trinity. Elianna has been gone since leaving this morning with a meeting after school, then Miles’ house, then youth group. There’s always a parent around to supervise. One of the cats is sleeping in the laundry, another on the ottoman. Oreo is awake.

Yesterday’s trip was a lot of fun. We left Sunday evening to head down to Hoyleton. During Bible class I’d stopped by the store to get food. I originally went to Aldi but when I saw their parking lot was close to full I turned around and went to County Market instead. I didn’t want to deal with the lines and the people. County Market is more but they at least bag your groceries and believe me when I say that every little bit helps.

We cleaned out the fridge and had leftovers for lunch. There was a perfectly good chicken and rice soup in the back that would’ve gone to waste if I hadn’t pulled it out and seen it. I bought enough to hopefully get through most of the week. In addition to the normal things I had some food for the trip. I’d told our hostess not to worry about feeding us but she made us breakfast and had a crock pot of sloppy joes for lunch.

After resting for a while it was time to load up. The kids asked why we had two cases of water bottles. I told them it was for if we happened to get stuck in traffic and were unexpectedly stranded for a few extra hours or day. Last time the traffic was bumper to bumper coming home. We’d asked my mother-in-law if she wanted to come along again but she said she was going to just stay put at the house and watch from her porch.

She’d given us the package of leftover glasses. Someone looked up online somewhere and they supposedly were still going to be okay to use. I’m kind of a purist when it comes to eclipses and don’t care as much about the glasses parts, so I’m glad someone else was thinking about that. After passing through Litchfield I called my parents to see if we could stop by since we were basically right there. We drove to Irving to see them.

I’d invited them too but Dad had to some work for a job training and Mom wanted to spend the day in the garden. They gave us a tour of the chicken coup and gave us a dozen and a half eggs to take home. Mom has a start on her onions and garlic and multiple shelves of seedlings that are growing inside. She has a plant hospital outside for the ones she doesn’t know what to do with or that aren’t growing like the rest.

We arrived at our hosts house around 9PM and visited for about an hour. I tried to write a blog post then and actually did but then deleted it. I’ll write when I’m tired, but I don’t like writing when I’m super tired. I slept until morning and woke up to check the weather. The Hoyleton skies were looking clear but it was the Texas ones I was worried about. I sent a picture to my son from the inside looking out, so far so good, I said.

Later I asked if he’d heard anything from Laura. About what, he asked. About eclipse stuff, I said. He said he hadn’t. I later asked him if he could ask her what her weather was looking like. From my weather app Waco was looking better. He said that she said that it was partly cloudy but the sun was actually kind of poking through so they might have some hope. That was the last I talked to him until later when he said she’d seen it.

Diane, our hostess, was also expecting Tony’s cousin. He’d called and asked if he could bring his two grandkids over and watch. She was supposed to be going out to meet a friend for lunch in New Minden. After that she and Tony were going to meet another couples friend for the eclipse watching. Around 11 or so she started to wonder where they were. She wanted to be there when they arrived. I told her I could welcome them.

But she stuck around and eventually the cousin came with his wife and his niece. There were more on their way. A brother-in-law, another friend, and a daughter with two children. Diane served up a dessert platter and I told them they were welcome to take the second table on the deck. Josh, the kids, and I had already taken up the little one. It was great to see them, the more the merrier as far as I was concerned, even strangers.

The kids played pickleball on the concrete slab where the above ground pool there used to be. Pretty much anytime we go to their house, and we start our way down the long country road, I do have to mention the memorable time when I walked seven miles round-trip with four boys. Three and a half out, three and a half back, and while we were there the boys stripped down and swam. Elianna was with Grandma that day.

I called my sister-in-law to see how things were going. She didn’t answer right then but later she called me back to see if everything was okay. She was in the middle of an accreditation visit. Their schools had closed but there were still things going on. They were going to stop during eclipse time and hopefully see it. My sister called me around 1:30 to see what was happening. She didn’t have any glasses but it was looking hazy.

Josh talked with the other visitors for a while. I really didn’t spend much time with them. They all seemed to me fine and to be enjoying themselves. Once the haziness started I told the boys they needed to get situated if they really wanted to be out on the water during eclipse time. We brought the lawn chairs over from the patio. I don’t think they got used much. Diane brought a blanket out for her and anyone else to sit on the grass.

My brother-in-law Facetimed from somewhere in Texas where he was coaching a track meet. He did it in the family chat so my mother-in-law picked up and then my sister-in-law and myself. They’d temporarily stopped the meet and he could see it through the clouds. We just laughed and said hi to each other and looked at each other through the screen. I was ecstatic this was happening and that Jessica had been able to see it too.

I told him thanks for sharing and that I would get a video. My mom called sometime in the hazy window of time when things were leading up and the sky started changing colors. She was just checking in to see how things were going. We talked for a little bit and then we hung up. Tony had come home for a short while but then had to leave to go back to a concrete project he was working on in town to get it done before it rained.

She didn’t end up going to lunch. So we ended up watching the eclipse with Diane, and she and Elianna sat on the blanket. Josh was standing next to the chairs. The boys were out in the water and I took pictures and a couple of videos. I yelled across the water once or twice telling the boys not to be staring at the sun too long beforehand. I suddenly had this feeling like maybe I should’ve been paying more attention to all that.

They had their glasses but still. People say the scariest things sometimes. It really does make you wonder why God would design or allow the eclipses in the first place if the one of the points wasn’t to actually see them. I kind of think we’re supposed to look and be amazed. And maybe not stare the entire whole time. My oldest son stretched his arms and ran in circles during the first one. When I mentioned it he didn’t remember.

And I wondered how something like that could be such a core memory of mine but not his. He was the only one I’d marked down as far as noting anything else of the people around me. The more things happen like this the more I become okay with children being different. They’re not all going to be the same and that’s okay. I have lots of love to give and share and it’s enough that can be spread around to the others around me.

In the earlier day while we were still waiting Josh and I had packed up while the kids were playing. This way we’d be all ready to go afterward when things were over. If possible I was wanting to get back for my class. The teacher had said it’d be fine if I miss and we could figure something out but I didn’t want to have to do that. I emailed him and asked if class was still on and he said yes, that the eclipse did not eclipse the class.

We made it back in time to go. I laid down for about a half an hour. Elianna ran since she’d missed her practice. Josh and the kids planned to meet his mom in town for supper. I tried to call my mom back but the it called MomT instead. It was very hard to stay awake and I was starting to get concerned about having to drive home. Thankfully he didn’t do any lectures and he said we could cover chapters 9 and 10 next time.

The traffic wasn’t bad. With the exception of some congestion in Carlyle, the roads were normal and clear. None of us talked much on the way back. Dad listened to podcasts. I sent and texted my documentations. We drove by the concrete project on the way out of town and said goodbye to Tony. I’ve already told Diane we need to come visit more. One of the kids mentioned how he’d never realized how great Diane’s house was.