Well I wasn’t catatonic but I did spend a majority of the day resting in bed. I don’t think it was the exercise, it was being out later last night for a track meet. After waking up and spending time together this morning, I fell back asleep until it was time to take the boys. I usually eat breakfast after returning home, and once I’d done that, I was going to drive to the river to see if the rain had caused it to rise any more.

But then I realized I was exhausted. I’d started to feel it about halfway through the meet. I remember lying in bed and feeling like I wasn’t colored in. Like if you had a coloring page with the lines but there was no color. Every time it started to come back, if I did even something smaller, the color drained out. It was like it was leaking out because there was nothing there anymore that was holding it in.

This is why swimming is still able to work. It’s because something holds my body up. The same thing with the bike. This is why running won’t work anymore, because with that you are the one who is holding up your body plus the other stuff you’re trying to do. I started a yin yoga video for stomach and spleen. I was just picking something. But I didn’t like it as much because it didn’t have the affirmations.

And she didn’t hold the movements long enough in my opinion. So I searched for Yoga with Kassandra who is the girl I’ve come to like. I found a new one I hadn’t done, Yin Yoga for Healing or something like that. The affirmations are statements she makes that you say as you begin each position or pose. I like them because it gives your mind something to focus on and think about while you’re being still.

There were several affirmations that stood out to me with this one. The first one was, “I treat my body with love and respect.” I have mentioned before that my body would have different reactions to some of these statements. With this one I was perfectly still and calm, nothing happened. But with the next one, “I allow all parts of myself to be expressed”, both my upper body and lower body shook again.

I’ll say it couple of times just to see if it does it again. It did. Here’s the thing with all this, I have not personally experienced yoga to be a cure. Obviously I’m still dealing with the effects of whatever it was that happened now over three years ago. I have my ideas, understandings, and hunches about some things, but other things are still unknown to me. I accept that there are mysteries and unknowns in God’s hands.

But it did something that somehow helped. So I’m a believer in whatever that something is that involves the bodily stretching and turning of the mind toward guided words. It gives me a chance to feel like the color is being given a chance to be colored back in. After doing the healing one I went back to the grief one I used to do. I wanted to hear again what the affirmations were for that one. I just listened.

“Today I choose to heal”

“I am willing to let joy into my life”

“I let go of my resistance toward this situation”

“I am surrounded by support seen and unseen”

“My heart opens up a little bit more every day”

“My tears are holy and healing”

“I trust in the goodness of life”

“I relax and allow feelings to move through me”

“I show myself great care and compassion at all times”