The boys slept out in tents last night. They had a friend over also so it was two boys in one tent and two in another. I was really too tired to be too worried about it. I think I told them they had to put down a tarp. One of the tents is just a screen and doesn’t have a floor. The ticks are out and I really didn’t want them sleeping on the bare ground.

They found an old piece of carpet that we’d kept when they changed out the sanctuary carpet in Hoyleton. I would’ve never thought to use that but it ended up working out. I went to bed while everyone was still up. I fell asleep to the sound of the living room rumble, the boys playing RISK on the living room floor. Then Miles was in there.

Dad stayed up to visit longer. He came in later and I woke up briefly to the sound and light of the closet door opening, to the keys and wallet being placed on the dresser. I woke up briefly in the early morning for a drink of water, and let in a cat. I opened upstairs windows, stopped by the bathroom, then went back to sleep. I woke again at 8:19.

Poor Casper has seen better days in his life. I had to take a break from him about a week or so ago, maybe a little more. It seems like every time he’s basically better again there’s some other new issue, another wound that’s appeared. He did finally get in for his appointment earlier this week. When he came back they’d shaved off probably 1/6th of his fur around the back part of his body. They cleaned the wound that had dried up.

It was time for me to get a new email address. The one I had with LCU is the one I kept as my uncluttered inbox. The other one I have is too far gone, plus I just want something simpler. I did finally get my transcript situation taken care of and had to send some emails to get the ball rolling again with the UIS admission process. They other guy from LCU ended up deciding to go somewhere else because he thought UIS had taken too long with their process. It’ll be nice to have the situation figured out and settled.

I heard from the Minnesota trip. They’d gone to the Mall of America and visited the LEGO store. LEGOS are one of those things that I have no idea what to do with all of them now, but they sure were great for keeping the boys busy for years. And I mean years. We walked down to the lake this evening where a couple of kids were swimming. The gnats got bad so we walked back up. Dad, the boys, and I ordered Rico’s for supper.

Everyone went to school today. Josh took the kids this morning and Elianna left earlier to ride with the family of a teammate who was competing today at girls’ state. She through around 11 and was done by 11:15. She was originally ranked 25th and ended up placing 14th, so that was nice. I picked up the boys and then went back at 3:30 to pick up my other son from the bus. I don’t like saying their names here.

Miles’ mom and I spent some time this morning talking again about the meet. She texted me and Ethan a link to the videos. He watches all the videos after the fact and then talks about them with Miles. During the meets that I was there it would be she and I in the top of the bleachers with our phones. She would record the race and I would Facetime it. The times finally came out this morning and Miles had actually gotten fifth in the 400 and PR’d. We had just finished talking about how rough it had been.

Even his dad had gotten teary-eyed after it, and said he thought maybe he’d just lost some of his conditioning since he hadn’t been running over the past couple of weeks. He told Ethan he’d given up about halfway through. They switched up the sectionals again this year and this one seemed to be a little more competitive. We’re used to seeing Miles, with his trademark move where he flies around the curve. He says he runs the first part, and then when he gets to the 200M he sprints. He won a lot.

Josh left later to pick up my mother-in-law from the airport. She was delayed a few hours because of storms. He ended up having to wait a little longer than expected. So I left the boys here when I left to meet some moms for supper. Our kids are on a trip to somewhere up in Minnesota. Laura is on her college’s spikeball team and they are playing this weekend in the national tournament. There is another friend and team member’s parents who are hosting them as well as feeding them several meals.

Today they went to a Twins game. It’s funny to hear us joke about how we seemingly all have to dance around with the communication. The two boy moms had actually been the ones whose kids had made the most contact via pictures or text. It can really hurt moms when they don’t hear from their kids. But each of us is different and we all have adjusted and accepted the way of things in our own ways. We said a prayer.

Track is officially over for the season. The boys had their sectional last night in Rushville. Josh and the kids met me in town after work. My car was on empty so before I met up with them I went to get gas. I knew it’d be a late night and didn’t really want to have to mess with an empty gas tank once we came back into town. Most of the gas stations around here don’t even stay open all night anymore.

Judah did well. He PR’d in his race even if he was still disappointed. Athletes can be very hard on themselves. They probably are the hardest on themselves out of everyone. I still think just to get out there and run is something something worth being proud of yourself for. Miles was disappointed too. The 4×1 didn’t end up qualifying for state. He was ranked third in the 400 and ended up 6th or 7th. His ankle has been bothering him since after-prom when he hurt it after jumping wrong somehow on the trampolines.

The 4×4 team didn’t really think they’d make it to state but they were hoping to at least PR. For whatever reason an IHSA sectional meet was not providing live updates anywhere online. From the unofficial parent timers it looks like they beat their PR by around 5 seconds. I think they ended up happy. That’s the thing with sports, the highs are so incredibly fun, the lows not so much, and everything a win.

“For our boast is this, the testimony of our conscience, that we behaved in the world with simplicity and godly sincerity, not by earthly wisdom but by the grace of God, and supremely so toward you. “
~2 Corinthians 1:12~

Yesterday I was thinking that I could really use a maid. It’s been a long while since I’ve thought anything like this, where the situation I was in had nothing to do with my temperament, or time management habits, or disciplinary measures integrating kids into housework. It wasn’t for lack of trying. It was not about husband who sat around and did nothing. You hear those kinds of stories and you can’t relate at all.

This was a matter of sheer numbers. When you added up all the work, all the needs, all the time that was required to fulfill the present tasks and duties, the only thing making sense was that one person was not enough. You’ve seen it said at times, “I don’t really need a husband. What I need is a wife.” You never took the thought that far, but yes, you understood it. What you needed was a helper, a female servant like in Bible times.

I called a sister. Our sis chats have dwindled over the past several years. I was horrified thinking, “Was I the one keeping all that going?” I haven’t needed the same support. And then there are always the changing seasons, where life gets busy or people withdraw and are going through their own harder times. She didn’t answer, so I called another. We talked and then the other called back. We talked and then it too helped for a while.

But this morning I wasn’t done. I thought of another sister who I don’t usually call. Of all of them she and I are probably the least close, yet in some ways are also the most alike. I knew she’d get the part about feeling overwhelmed. I wanted to know how she was doing, how she was coping, like spiritually.

For that is how we have learned to cope–through spiritual means. And I have often tried to tell her, “Look, you can’t just keep falling back on these platitudes. You’ve got take action and responsibility. You’ve got to deal better with all the emotions.” Never once has that gone well. But there is something to the God stuff she speaks of, and I know that, and I want to hear from her.

Everyone’s hard is not the same. That’s one of the things that’s been hard for her. When your life has been hard in ways that other people’s wasn’t. Because it can feel like nobody would really get or understand you, and it can tempt you to covet the ease it looks like others have. Their money or health or time or whatever they have.

And you wonder why, like why did my life have to be hard in this way? I was telling her how you hear things like “God uses our stories”, and that “our pain is never wasted”. Who says? And how I have sometimes coped by thinking, “Okay, God can use these experiences. Because of them I will have more opportunities to help others.” But even that is not a divine guarantee. And I’ve wondered, what if it was just so God could minister to me?

Would that be enough? That God ministered to me and that was enough. For it to have been my life that God worked in. She said she thinks we minister to others by simply existing. Like that somehow our lives bear witness to God. People have come up to her randomly here and there, telling her how this or that ministered to them when she had no idea. It made sense.

“But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.”
~James 1:4~

One of my favorite journals is from a time when I went completely offline. No Facebook. No blogging. Just me and my reading and clearer mind. Besides the writing out of quotes is the same thing over and over. Talking about how discouraged I am. Amazement at how much of a dream come true this whole homeschooling thing is. How I’m so fulfilled as a wife and a mother. How I’m tired of dealing with all of this pain.

I see hints of the exhaustion taking over even then. I’d actually forgotten about it, how sometime by 1PM I’d be folding over, when I still was doing all of the dishes and cooking meals for lunch and breakfast. When a spousal fight was not something you quickly bounced back from, but rather it knocked you out for days. And it was the joy of my life, having them all here in this time. And your husband was around instead of long away.

And you wait for the relief, but of what? When they can walk and do more things for themselves. When the sibling bickering is not your daily battle for years. I wondered again today, what is it exactly that I’m waiting for? When everyone grows up and moves out of the house? When there is supposedly less work, less food, less cleaning. For my weakened body to be stronger? And I remember this. I remember the longing for Christ.

How else would I have ever known it? I found myself apologizing to the kids over supper. Guys I’m sorry I’ve been so tired over the past couple of years. Like the times I remember when I thought I was, when I wanted to be the fun mom, when my life lit up with joy at the sheer glory of another day with you. I wanted my life to be a powerful gift to them, I could feel the vast significance. But maybe blessedly for my eyes only.

For there has never been a day, not in a long time, where I am anything but daily baffled by my deep, profound limitations. Yes my life, my love was a gift, but theirs to me was infinitely more. I was thinking about all this yesterday while riding around from here to there. I did try to tell them. They don’t say much and I know not what’s comprehended. And perhaps this too is a gift. One I don’t always understand, yet is mine nonetheless.

The boys and I made it home a little after 5 on Saturday. Over the weekend I’d gotten a text that I did not have to come in for my Sunday day shift. They were accidently overstaffed. I’d picked up that particular one because I’m supposed to be working at least one weekend shift a month. The past two months I have only done half shifts but nobody’s said anything. Since this was on them I don’t have to make it up.

So I wasn’t as worried about preserving energy for the next day. We stopped once and the rest of the time just kept going. No one had the brain power or energy to unload the van. The mudroom is full anyway and I wasn’t ready for the influx of stuff. This morning when the kids and I went out to the van for church we were met with the back of the van still full. Two of them went with me and then my daughter drove the rest.

We had a nice Mother’s Day. Josh made a roast plus potatoes, asparagus, and rolls. After that we had some downtime. The day was warmer so we all went down to the beach for a while. I’ve been filling people in about my river swimming plans. For supper we went out to eat and it was nice to be together. We stopped by the farm to see the mowing and visited my father-in-law’s grave. The remaining evening was nice too.

Well the track meet did not go as any of us had hoped. He was hoping to stay and finally PR in the 800M after nearly a year of college training. Instead his time was even slower than his best time junior year in his first year of high school track. This is pretty consistent with how things have gone this year, with some good and exciting moments, but overall just a lot of wondering on why things are not going better than they did.

Many other teammates met their goals. The one runner who’d tried to break the 5K school record during the last meet we were at ended up with another chance and set a new school record (now 14:39) by 3 seconds. That was very exciting. Ethan and another teammate also did the triple jump like they had done in high school as something fun and different for the end of the year. After the second jump his nose started bleeding and he ended up scratching the event. I was right there in the lower stands just acting like it was the most normal thing in the world. I eventually did bring him some water and tell him to stay sitting down. The more you move the more the heart pumps.

There were about three hours between the two events so after the triple jump my younger son and I went back to the hotel room. I needed to fall asleep for a while. We left here again a little after 8 to be there in plenty of time before the running event at 9. There was hardly anyone in the stands where we were because we sat on the opposite side of the main ones. We talked a little bit in the parking lot and said goodnight until morning.

St. Joseph was too far away so we’re stopped in Chillicothe, Missouri. It’s about half-way between home and Nebraska. Josh is taking his mom to the airport tomorrow or more of us probably would have come. They had sectionals tonight and Elianna did well. I can’t believe we’re basically done with the season already. It seems like we were just getting started.

Ethan is running tomorrow as well. He stayed an extra whole week just to run in this one. The cafeteria has been closed this whole time so I’ve tried to keep my balance between being curious as to what he’s eating and wondering if he’s eating enough and just figuring that he’s going to figure it out. He and another guy have access to a stove and a fridge so that helps.

One of the boys came along with me. We figured this was about his sixth or so trip out. Two of others apparently would’ve rather gone to school and another wanted to make sure she was there to watch the weekend school play. They have a pool where we are staying and we have plans to try it out tomorrow. The meet isn’t until later. We had a nice supper together.

Josh’s mom took us out to supper tonight at MCL. Tomorrow night is the girls’ sectional track meet and the next day she leaves to spend some time with my sister-in-law and her family. They are working on trying to move closer. My sister-in-law has had about five different interviews in the past several months and it’s looking she’s going to end up somewhere close to and around St. Louis.

After supper Elianna and I went to senior awards night at Trinity. I’ve kind of enjoyed reliving all these end of the year senior moments. Afterward we talked to Miles and his parents for a while. We drove home and played music from my phone. We checked on the river before going back home. It hadn’t changed much since she and I had checked the last time. We stared in amazement at the grown tree being carried along.

The schoolroom and boys’ room flooded again. The fans and the dehumidifiers were going and need to be checked. I spent the morning with a woman who I asked if she could help me put together flower pots for the camp office door. The flower pot by our door morphed into a container for the baseball gloves and baseballs. I do like it for now. I still need to sweep, but the flowers are there.