“Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me–put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.”
~Philippians 4:9~

There were four baby raccoons on the deck tonight*. A lady I was talking to at work this last time said she used to keep raccoons as house pets. She and her husband raised them from when they were babies. They would even sometimes sleep in her bed. When her husband died she stopped with the raising them because it was too much for just her.

They ran away of course, and were more like teenager size. I still miss and think about our raccoons. Something I have come to understand along the way through these cats is that you don’t just take care of the animals/people/things/etc that you love. It isn’t just “I love you, so I am going to take care of you”. Sometimes it’s like that, but something else can happen as well. You grow to love the ones you take care of.

The groundhog isn’t around anymore. One of the boys did something to the front of his house where he blocked the entryway. The groundhog dug around it a couple of times but finally must’ve gotten frustrated and gone somewhere else. There’s a lot of sand back there, so it’s easy to dig in but also collapses easily. It’s all sunken in back there now.

(*started writing last night, but it didn’t go anywhere)

The summer continues in its summerness. I’ve obviously still been thinking about the work stuff but the day has been full of other things. The high school kids had their relay today, which the Lord mercifully granted health and safety for. Tonight the kids from three other camps arrive, even coming from nearby states. I will pray for tomorrow’s competition as well, that the desire to win would not too much overtake them.

Family is coming down to visit. My sister is making her annual trip with the cousins. My other sister is also coming down with her husband and the other kids too young to come to camp. They are scheduled to be here from Sunday to Thursday. My sister and nieces will be staying with us and then my sister and brother-in-law will be staying next door. No one was really hungry for supper tonight so we had ice cream.

Laura is here tonight working on homework. The boys are being silly in the living room on their computers. I have an assignment due Tuesday and was supposed to be doing a partner project over Zoom tomorrow, but we thankfully moved that to a later date. There’s another woman who is also new with the cohort and she reached out the first day about being partners for the partner things, so that I was also thankful for.

For the past several years while writing these blogs, I have intentionally not mentioned the anniversary of Brandon’s death. It’s not because I don’t still think about it, or remember many of the things from that terrible day. My sister called to say they were helicoptering him to the hospital. An ambulance drive from where they were would’ve taken somewhere around 45 minutes. She’d ridden with Brandon’s dad to the hospital.

I was working on a class. Josh was in the room and I told him Liz had called and asked for prayers. We prayed immediately. After what seemed like a period of waiting, she called back with the unfathomable words, “Brandon died.” I wept on and off throughout the night and do not remember at all if I slept. Before going to bed I’d been on the phone with my family. Most of them were up in Iowa while we were still in St. Louis.

I remember thinking in the early hours, when the tears were so fierce I didn’t know what to do with them, that “This right here is what Jesus came for”. It did not bring me comfort but it was a moment that clicked, when something true became more real. Josh was in the middle of a summer class too, and contacted his professor early the next morning to let him know what had happened. I always meant to write that professor a thank-you note for being so understanding but I never got back around to doing it.

So you compare days like that, with the day like today that I had at work, which also made me cry, though not nearly as much, and which I would equally and genuinely term the day as “very bad”, or “terrible” or “awful” or “horrendous”, I don’t mean the same things but it still was bad. I can’t even describe it, because to do so would violate the privacy codes. But it was one of those days where the flow was constant, where I could not complete a task before being faced with the next one.

And somewhere in all this I realized I’d missed a medication. And it was too late to give it. Again it was nothing catastrophic, but it was still a med error and I still reported it. And since I do not work that often, and because that makes two med errors now in a relatively close together period of time, that doesn’t look good. They really are just stupid mistakes, and I can’t even say I wasn’t doing my best. It just happened.

So they wrote me up, and for whatever reason, handed me the paperwork that skipped over the first degree warning, then second degree warning, but jumped instead to the final warning. One more mistake and that leads to termination. No one had said anything to me, but the only reason I can think that they would be this harsh is because while all of this is going on, the facility has been being investigated by public health.

And we’ve all been interviewed, the people who were working within that 48 hours. I haven’t written yet anything about this. But in this case I can see where I didn’t do fully what it was I should’ve done. So I was a major contributor, not in the actual incident itself (an injury), but in the follow-up process that was delayed too long and now the facility is facing consequences. They have to take action. I don’t know surely but that’s my guess.

I don’t know where this puts me now. Maybe somewhere in today’s chaos I made another mistake that they’ll find and then mercifully let me go tomorrow. But the day was still horrible, and I’m not sure now if I can bring myself to go back. If I am that much of a liability, or even a potential danger to patient safety, I’m not sure I can handle that pressure. I’m not sure how a person can indefinitely go without making a mistake.

So this is kind of tragic for me, and I’m a little bit heartbroken. I do not have the mindset, nor the desire, to even conceive that perfection is possible. I had kind of hoped to work here for the next however many years, and in that time I would build up my skills both lost ones and new ones. It was the perfect place where I could go and make money for all of these college kids and continued years of paying tuition.

But anyway. I’ll pray about it. Sometimes though you can’t even pray, it’s like you know that God doesn’t need you to talk, and that’s he’s okay waiting until whenever the words come back again. Suddenly working in the kitchen seems lovely, and no one would ever even have to know I was a nurse. For the ones who did I don’t know what I’d tell them, but that would come too. And the feeble true knowing this too shall pass.

It rained after lunch. The boys and I had gone down before it started. The goal was to dismiss before it rained too hard but that didn’t happen. On the way down to the dining hall one of the boys and I unhooked one of the hammocks leftover from last week. We used it as an umbrella and on the way there it worked. But on the way back it was pouring and we both were soaked by the time we were home.

We had class tonight, the fourth of eight. During our discussions there were at least two times when somebody said something like, “I was talking to my therapist…” Another mentioned how she talks to her mom when she’s struggling mentally. Several other times people have used specific diagnostic terms in reference to themselves such as neuro-divergent or autistic. We refer to it as “self-disclosure”.

It’s not that I’m against it completely, but I don’t think it’s how I want to be as a professional (if I ever get there). Even as a student I was far less disclosing in this most recent assignment than I’ve been in my past ones. It’s not because I want to be secretive or somehow withhold myself, it’s just that my experience isn’t the point. It felt a little like judging but it was more just noting what came up for me.

“At six in the morning the stage drove away into the sage-brush, with her as its only passenger, and by sundown she had passed through some of the primitive perils of the world.”
~Owen Wister, The Virginian~

Laura comes over almost every other night to work on homework. It’s not that much but she’s taking a summer class, and it’s enough that I’d already started tidying up the living room when she texted. I vacuumed her spot on the couch but she didn’t sit there this time, she sat on the smaller one which I hadn’t vacuumed in days. It was closer to large plug-in cord for the chargers.

Her dad comes out to camp sometimes. He’ll get up and be here in time for them to bike early in the morning in the 6 o’clock timeframe. This summer they’re supposed to ride 100 miles in Iowa somewhere. It’s not really a race, it’s just where you can go and ride for however long it takes. It makes me happy to think of her dad coming. It’s just one of those dad things that to anyone who sees it says, “I love you”.

This weekend they rode 40 miles. Ethan went with them. He said he was going and I asked if we had a bike good enough for that. He said her dad was bringing one for him. He never was a kid who biked, but seems to have taken to this new form of exercise. Another weekend they did 25 miles together. I still don’t understand the expenditures of energy or where it all comes from.

Josh and I attended a funeral in the morning. One of his father’s aunts had passed, and she’d also been a resident in the wing where I am sometimes present. Having no husband or kids of her own, she’s also one of the ones who for years has planned the annual reunions every summer in August. I was a teenager the first time I went. They meant a lot to his dad. He looked forward to them as well as us being there.

“Have you seen the moon yet?”, he asked over text while I was inside clicking through an online module that was due in an hour. He was outside on his night walk, and I had seen the moon, rising behind the house before it passed above the trees. “How silly”, I thought, when I hesitated, nearly missing the moment until asking, “What am I even doing in here?” I saw it again, but this time higher.

It was a full day of much doing. A kitchen helper was sick and another had slept in, putting the cook in a frenzy of feeling too far behind. I’ll go down there, I said, and I put on my slide-on sandals and left. Our cook is an interesting person, as I found out even more. She gets up at 3AM on the days that she works. “Why??”, I asked her. It’s just what she does. She’s got to let the dog out and feed him, and make sure she has enough time for her prayers. It’s the only way she is able to have peace inside.

“Please help me remember I have a meeting this morning”, I said to my husband as I passed by the breakfast table. It’s not his responsibility to remind me, and I’d set a reminder alarm on my phone, but some things you have to try hard to not forget. She told me to bring a Bible verse along, so I did. After transferring the aloe and some catching up conversation, we exchanged our verses. She wanted to give me an extra plant, but I had to make sure she would not be offended if it didn’t survive.

She gives me things to take home. Once it was furry socks and washcloths. This time it was a jar of Florida shells, along with a homemade basket made of solely of pine needles. She’d taken them home after her husband’s mother had passed, but didn’t need two. I know we are all trying to unburden ourselves from the excess of things. She’s needing to also downsize from the things that need tending. The plant I feel could go in the school room, as could the jar of shells to be used as a prop.

I love my days at home but don’t always know what to do with them. For the most part it’s not a problem finding something to do. Even with the kids not here and eating most of our meals in the dining hall, I still have dishes in the sink and a dishwasher waiting to be unloaded. I did the top shelf already. There’s really no rush for these things.

Yesterday I was sorting through some piles of clothes. It’s a seasonal chore that must be done where it’s out with the old and in with the new. I have a child who needs to be encouraged every day to change his shirt. He’d wear the same one every day and sometimes does for days at a time. I know he has clothes he just likes certain ones.

There is a growing collection of paper bags in the mudroom waiting for someone to take a trip to Goodwill. A woman has offered to give one or two more plants, and that was last week already. I’ve been trying not to neglect those small connections, as I can sometimes do, from people who seem to be making intentional efforts to touch base.

All in all, I am fond of these summer days. The weeks do not pass by quickly but the months do. I took the paddleboard out for the second day in a row and invited the art teacher to come along. She’s here for the third year in a row leading art camp. Most people I’ve taken have never paddled boarded before. We use it more like a kayak.

A son asked if I could do his laundry and of course I said yes. I’d thought about offering earlier but I’d refrained from saying anything. With a capful of bleach and some detergent they come out ready and good as new. Today I asked a few if they really care about getting mail. They said it’s fine if they don’t but if they do they like getting it.

One of the boys and I went to Sam’s Club this morning. Elianna needed Gatorade for the trading post. Dad is usually the one who makes these trips but lately I’ve been telling him I can do it sometimes. Sam’s is actually a great store. I love the feeling of abundance you have with boxes of food everywhere. Coming from a bigger family, I don’t think I’ll ever forget the feeling of being replenished with food.

Yesterday I ended up going back into Walmart. I had the idea in my head that I needed some clothes and I need to act on those things when the moment strikes. While I was there I found some athletic shorts and regular tanks that I can wear as a swimsuit. I got a few colors to mix and match. Swimsuits anymore are a pain to try on and find. I feel like they don’t really make women’s sizes for the stores, and if there’s some great online shop somewhere I haven’t tried to locate it or inquire about it either.

So yesterday we swam and today as well. I like my new system. In addition to chips, graham crackers and chocolate for the cookout, we brought back five cases of Gatorade which the kids went through two of today. So we’ll likely have to get more. The crazy thing about going back to Walmart is that I didn’t even end up buying athletic clothes for the gym. I found a few more shorts and just decided to wear them.

The weather outside seemed windy but there were no storms. I spent the evening folding laundry while taking a sister via Facetime. I’ve called to check in with her a couple of times in the recent past, but the timing and life details don’t always end up working out. She’s expecting her sixth baby who is due in December. I’d just been thinking about her youngest one now who turns two next month.

That was one of the sayings she’d use as she’d be talking about the birth, “If it works out with your life details…” then I could come up and be there. It did work out. She called me about 6:30 in the evening and let me know that her contractions had started. It was either go that night or wait until morning, which when we’re talking about babies, there wasn’t a ton of reassurance he wouldn’t be born overnight.

So I went up. Another sister was also there. We slept on the basement couch until 2ish something in the morning when my brother-in-law woke us up to say the contractions were getting stronger and closer together. She was having a homebirth so the midwife was also called. She labored a few hours and Zion was born in the morning 5 o’clock hour. She normally likes to garden but didn’t much this season.

I’m writing today but I’m going to backdate it, that way I still feel like I have the option of writing later. The summer sickness has made it’s way to the remaining child who hadn’t been sick. When he said he’d fevered through the night and didn’t fall asleep till past 3, I had him come home to spend the morning on the couch, then later down in his bed. Maybe it is too much sometimes. They don’t understand this is what I do.

This morning I wanted to go to the gym. We pay for a Y membership that goes months without use. Thinking about it I realized I hadn’t any clothes to even wear there. No athletic shorts or any kind of athletic wear type pants. So later this morning, with the boys settled, I drove to Walmart to shop for clothes. I have not been full-fledged sick, but I also have not been feeling the greatest, and wanted to go while I still had strength.

Once I parked I realized I’d forgotten my purse. I looked around and it wasn’t there. These are the things that boggle my mind and also cause me immense frustration. It isn’t “worth” getting upset over but the at the same time I’m still upset by it, that I wasted that time with nothing to show, no return for the effort made. I was going to go back but I don’t think I am now. But I did tell my one son I’d get extra drinks.

Country Market is closer by and less draining. I’ll save the clothes for another day when I am also less tired. To be clear, I do have two pairs of the those flowy linen type pants that are nicer than pajama pants and way more comfortable than jeans. I just wouldn’t wear them out in public or to a gym. I am not saying any of this because I think it’s truly important for people to know, it is me just taking a mental inventory of the facts.

The heat has arrived just in time for summer solstice. It’s been the topic of much conversation and comment. There is a type of mourning when the heat arrives, when for months it becomes the facts of life that the dawns and the evenings will no longer be cool. Father’s Day went well. We had dessert and a meal to celebrate. I texted my own dad and we talked again a little more this morning. Life really isn’t about us.