We went to the park as a family today. My mother-in-law asked to see if we’d be able to get together. We haven’t been doing the Sunday lunches like we used to. I didn’t mean for it to permanently end, I just wanted to be able to not have to do it every Sunday. The compromise was finding another time together during the week. We met at Monty’s first for supper and I’d made a strawberry shortcake dessert for the park.

This was a rougher day emotionally, for no reason other than that the hormones in my body cause the GABA receptors in my brain to change shape so that the GABA cannot bind. The result is that things just feel more painful. It is progesterone that does this. I have a friend who’s been taking progesterone for several months in order to hopefully curb some similar symptoms. She’s going to monitor how it works.

There are different theories regarding what is going on in the body, but the GABA receptor alteration is the one that makes the most sense to me. In that case I do not quite understand how the progesterone would be helpful, but I have not researched that as much. GABA is a neurotransmitter that works to calm neuro-excitability. This is what makes benzodiazepines so helpful, because they enhance the effects of GABA.

Four of the kids were at camp this past week. I was at home working on an assignment when they started coming in with the bedding and bags. The one who wasn’t at camp spent most of his time running errands with Dad or following him around with whatever he was doing. Some of the kids would not enjoy that as much but this particular child doesn’t mind it. Two of them are the prefer to stay busy type.

But he did take breaks. The other ones at camp with a summer cold just toughed it out. One came home a few times after a particular stretch of feeling worse. Fluids and rest. It’s not exciting or original but it’s better than doing nothing. The cross country team had practice in Pawnee this evening which from here is nearly an hour away. This was the first I’d downloaded the app and heard of it. I said that was ridiculous, they couldn’t go.

One of them even hugged me for saying it. The other was relieved as well. I don’t think either one of them wanted to go, which wasn’t the point. It just wasn’t the thing to be doing this time. Tomorrow I would like to clean out the fridge and shop for food. Father’s Day is coming up and I do at least have one idea. Casper has been sleeping in a bowl on the table and it really is the cutest thing. They like cozy spots.

“If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is…”
~Colossians 3:1~

Most of the things I process have to do with motherhood or marriage. I’ve thrown the number out before, that between the two things, it is something I think about approximately 80% of the time. In the past spring’s careers class, we had to assign a percentage amount to four or five things to show how each of us spent our time. The categories were work, home and family, community service, school, and leisure.

I put 60% on home and family, but I think it is probably more like 70. The teacher’s highest percentage was work. The other girls were evenly split between work and school. I was the only woman in the class (of three) who was married with kids. It became apparent to me as the class progressed that marriage and family was my work and had been work for a long time. I felt proud to see it that way and to talk about it.

All that to say, I read some social media posts again. I see these women with things to say that I don’t always like how they are saying it, not because it’s totally wrong, but because it feels incomplete. I’m that person who can’t just take a post at face value and instead has to add to it make it about something else. There are the “Well, actually…” people and there are the “Okay, but…” people and that is who I am. It can be a pain.

The strangest thing just happened. I was sitting here typing when there was a knock at the door. It was Miles. There was a rainbow, he said, a double one. I’d already noticed the sky from the couch and gotten up to take a picture, but I didn’t think to look for a rainbow because the rain had already ended. I didn’t even grab my phone, I followed him out onto the hill and we stared. The rainbow made him happy and I smiled too.

The sunset looked like fire, he said. Between the two scenes was a shade of blue we tried to name. “Cobalt” came to mind but I didn’t know if that was right. I kept wondering how long he would stay, a little surprised we were even out here. He’d started driving home but turned around. We watched until it was over. Next we walked to the strawberries, done for the year but very green. I gave him mint to take home.

On my way out of class tonight I saw a deer in the grass not too far off the sidewalk. She didn’t run away like they usually do and I wanted very much to try to get closer. I pointed her out to two others also leaving class. They said the deer aren’t as scared around here because they’re protected. But I didn’t want to scare her so I didn’t.

As I drove out of the parking lot it seemed to me that the road was bumpy. The sun was shining in my eyes and I thought maybe I was driving too close to the edge where sometimes roads have those rumble strips. But it didn’t stop when I moved more toward the middle so I pulled over and one of the tires was flat. I’d been looking forward to getting home so it was a bit of a let down to have to figure that out.

After talking to Josh I called the tow truck. Lauren was on her way to get me. I didn’t need to be there when they picked it up, I just had to make sure to leave the keys under the seat. One of our former staff members asked if it’d be okay to stop by and talk so we visited for a while. The cicadas lasted a few weeks but you don’t hear them now.

I was in bed already when he came into his side. He keeps a book on his nightstand, several of them, but usually only one is he reading at a time. In bed does not necessarily mean that I am asleep. “Are you going to be mad at me”, he asked, “if I read for a little while?” It was a straightforward question. “No”, I said, kind of endeared by his asking, “I only get mad when you don’t pay attention to me”, and soon I was out.

And in the morning, the topic of attention must’ve still been on my mind. “I have a theory to run by you”, I said, “whenever it’s a good time”. I was stretched out in some position on the living room floor. He was in the dining room. “Give me a minute”, he responded, finishing up a prayer or reading. This is one of those things they taught us to do. For the “Safe Conversations”, you start out by asking, “Is this a good time?”

That way you’re not just barging into another person’s train of thought. It shows that you’ve noticed, “Oh, you’re doing something”. It gives the other person a chance to know what to expect, to adjust where needed, or name a better time, and to ultimately meet the other person in a state more suited for listening. What do I mean by attention? I mean when the person is in the room you show them again that you love.

This summer I don’t have any desires. Last summer was the massive switching up of the bedrooms. In other years it’s been ordering school books and redesigning the school room. Swimming together was a common daily activity. In years before there was this rush of excitement in having them home with an overwhelming sense of wanting to make the most of time. Summer was my time, our fun time, when I had them all.

Josh was talking this morning how he was thinking about having the boys be his assistants for the summer. It has kind of reached this point with me where unless I am asking them to help me with chores, I do not intuitively know as much what to do with them. This is the age where I feel like kids drift. They no longer need to be watched or tended too as intensely. It’s kind of a magical age where they can fend for themselves.

It’s an easier age than when they were little, so much so that you never quite get over the thankfulness for that relief. I know a mom of a special needs daughter who lives with them, and rather than experiencing the feelings involved with empty nest, she went through the sadness of never getting to have one. As universal as some experiences are for people, there will always be those who’ve been through different.

This morning the kids and I went to church. We still habitually run only a few minutes late. This morning the kids did mention that I had tried this morning to get out the door earlier and they were the ones who’d delayed us. Our pastor is out of town and had not been able to find a fill-in. Dad already had an appointment from six months prior to preach for a pastor who’d not taken a Sunday off in seven years. He went on vacation.

Two of the elders led the service. I could’ve kissed them for being so brave, not a romantic kiss, just a happy one. After church we stopped by County Market and I picked up fried chicken along with some things to make for sides. We waited for Dad and ate lunch together. I took a few pictures later in the evening and sent them to a few moms.

I worked another shift from 3-7 this evening. The four hour shifts are really the best as they pass by quickly and mentally you feel no dread beforehand. Whenever I walk through the doors of Spring it smells to me like a newborn baby. This time the nurse was a mom whose son plays college baseball. He also plays for the local Horseshoes team in Springfield. We usually try to make a game or two.

The staff has a couple of days off between camps. Laura was supposed to go to a family reunion but was so tired after Joyful Hearts she ended up staying here. Three-fourths of the counselors were around yesterday. It is less today. We visited my mother-in-law for supper last night and enjoyed a few hours out there. We watched Pat Sajak give his farewell speech during his last episode on Wheel of Fortune. The kids played volleyball and the Cardinals also played the Rockies.

Every time we’re at the house I wish my father-in-law was there to see it. It would’ve brought him so much joy to see his family enjoying it. Next to the door is a shelf with his picture on it. Before he’d gone back to the hospital a second time, he and my mother-in-law visited the house and she was able to get a picture of him standing in the doorway. Only the framing was finished then. We had a nice time.

Something I said
didn’t sit right with me
but I didn’t have the energy
to rethink the words

It was the part about trying
and being intentional
setting goals
to walk three miles

Some intention is good
yes, don’t give up fully
but any more than that
you’re living life on the edge

That place
where you
are not able
to see

From now on you wait
until something can be
for the most part
effortless

My sister-in-law and her family are moving to St. Louis sometime this summer. The synod job I mentioned at one point didn’t end up being something she wanted. In the past three years she has probably had at least ten calls. Maybe right about that many, including one to come and be principal at one of the grade schools here. She ended up taking one at an early childhood center with a bigger church in Des Peres.

I feel sad we never made it down there to visit more often. It was one of those things where their free times for travel were always during the times when we had to be here. And then when we did travel we would either go down to Florida or over to New York. As far as I know we’re still planning on going on this South Dakota trip at the end of the summer. I’ve been thinking about this mountain we’re supposed to climb.

I wasn’t going to try to really worry about doing it, but I was thinking I could maybe make some goals like walking three miles a day. I checked my phone where I see my step counts and I’ve averaged 1.8 miles daily over the past half year. I really can’t tell how much is simply being out of shape and how much is something I can’t break through because it’s not going to get better. When I walk up hills I feel very heavy.

It’s hard for me to stay motivated with exercise when I don’t experience the kind of results I want fast enough. The yoga I can do because I feel results with it. I wish I could ask God, “Could I look better than this, or is this just it now?” I’m not content here though, and I do think I could make an effort to be more consistent with something, even as the routine will get thrown off here and there with other things going on.

It’s not even about looks at this point, it’s about comfort. It’s uncomfortable carrying extra weight and wearing pants in the summer. Your breathing is different. Sitting down is different. Diet is not the main thing going on, it’s the yo-yo effect of feeling good and okay some days and completely not on others. I don’t know what the answer is but I also know it’s okay to go slow and take your time. It’s the only answer I have right now.

I need to figure out how to get into my campus email. Of course there are emails I have already missed and while I did take a screen shot of my NetID, I did not write down whatever my password was for this one. They keep changing the security standards so that you can’t just use the password that was perfectly fine without having to add an uppercase number or special character. It’s the first day so thankfully they give you some grace.

And a printed out 27 page syllabus. They have to have all of the standards and school rules. I didn’t think they did that for students anymore but I was happy to finally hold it in my hands and get right back to sitting in my comfortable back row seat. I found a notebook, pencil, and my backpack, then map-quested the way to the school and left. I’d written on a card the number and building and thankfully did not have too much trouble finding it.

Besides the beginning chit-chat and introduction time, we talked about the syllabus for the entirety of the class time. The first assignment is writing a self-care plan paper. The phrase self-care in these classes is about as common and accepted as the plain word “the”. It didn’t seem to bother people and never became a big deal discussion. I tried a couple of times to bring it up (at LCU) and ask how to explain this more in Christian terms.

It’s because I read Twitter posts where people get upset about it. And Instagram too where the idea is somewhat mocked. I know you’re going to have that there but I legitimately wouldn’t mind putting together some kind of visual presentation where I am making the case for “self-care” in Christian terms. This is not something that is even an option anymore. It is something I have to do and make time for in order to be able to do anything.