My thoughts have been rather morbid as of late, and I’ve been thinking about homeschooling the boys again. If I only have a couple more years to live, then it’s more important to me to finish what I started with them rather than trying to finish my school. It’s taking too long now, with this internship looming and not knowing when the best time is to start it. I refuse to plow through and let everything else fall to the side.

I was ready today to just go party with Jesus. It’s fun up there. They haven’t any worries, cares, or chores to support the lives of people. Paul says he desires to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better. But he stays down here for the people still needing him. I understand the desire to stay, and I understand too the desire to go. If I have vocational energies left to give, then I want to spend them first on the ones I love.

If I’m feeling better, then I want to do it. Discipleship, teaching, spending the time. I understand it sounds foolish, and perhaps many wouldn’t understand. I could always later do the other, but I couldn’t later do this. I just feel so worn and tired at times, I can’t imagine ever having greater strength in other decades.