I ran into Casper on the way back from main camp. He loves when the kids are here, but even he needs his alone time. The boy cats have all gotten skinner this summer. I think it’s because they’re outside more and go for longer walks in the woods. He was sitting next to a small hole in the ground, seeming like he was waiting there for something to come out. I wasn’t interested in whatever it was. I pet him and kept on.

One of the biggest shocks of early motherhood is how invisible it felt. Like how could so much be happening, so much growth and work and pain and truly beautiful moments, but there was no one was here to see it? I was the witness to all that was happening, and it felt in some way like a sacred duty, a calling, to pay attention through all of it. I have done what I can. The call anymore is different, but I do not know what it is.

But if that stage was invisible, this one feels even more so, thought it doesn’t seem like quite the outrage. It simply is. When I used to look ahead to the moms who are where I am now, there was nothing special about them. They were moms. Before you at least had the visual impact of showing up with your kid crew. They couldn’t miss it. And you felt the burden of little people taking so much space with their needs. Those carseats…

Celebrity women talk about how irrelevant they become once they hit a certain age. Those who have found their value in regularly attracting the male gaze (no judgement) can understandably find it disconcerting when the heads slow in turning. It’s the same thing here. Youth has its value, makes an unforgettable impact, but then what? Erikson in his developmental life stages identifies this point of life as generativity vs. stagnation.

So it’s not the invisibility that’s got me now, it’s the uncertainty of pushing through this discomfort. The discomfort of daring to hope there is more, that life can be fulfilling even without what I’ve known. Aging is a gift and I will always believe that, even when you see the pains too that it brings. But this isn’t really about the loss of looks or life stages. It’s about continuing on in service to God as a new creation, wherever he calls.