I remember when reading Gretchen’s Caring Bridge emails feeling, only sometimes, a little–annoyed (Christ, have mercy), when the letters started to take on the tone that the caregiving aspect was taking a toll. A spouse with terminal cancer, if that’s what she had, then this was your wife and that was part of the deal. How much had that woman suffered from the giving of herself? And that went on for years and years.

But with her it had been at least one. And it is simply a denial of reality to think it is possible for it not to take a toll. And it is a denial of my humanity to not have compassion on those when it does. So I’m sorry for that, that my heart did not have more compassion to give for him, though I did pray for him because God was still there. Being a human being is hard, and we all are just these weak and fragile people.

I’ve been on both sides of the caregiving spectrum, where I’m the one giving it and where I’m the one needing it. If I had to choose I’d say the needing it is worse, though both times brought you to the point of being where if given the choices you’d never wish to go back to. You’d never want to relive it. The exception to this was Josh’s dad, where I actually longed to be at his bedside again, if then the only way to be with him.

It was Josh who spent the night with his mom. Yes, I had said that you need to go and be with her, but it wasn’t me who volunteered to go myself. I’ve thought about this so much. Why didn’t I go, particularly when I knew it would’ve needed to be done. There was nothing sinister, or held back in bitterness or some unvoiced hurt. That’s why I didn’t go to Christmas sometimes, that year I was sick and could not have gone anyway.

I say bitterness like it’s an acid that still remains. I pray it doesn’t. I want only grace and love and peace there. The only reason I can think of with the nighttime portions with Josh’s dad is that God had not yet called it back out of me. By the end of my time with him he had, had called something back out of me. This is what I knew how to do and would do.