“It was only gradually that I came to understand that some things are meant to be cherished and not sacrificed.”
~Elisabeth Elliot, These Strange Ashes~

It’s been a busy past few days, the calendar sprinkled with family reunions, trips to St. Louis, anniversary outings, and cousin sleepovers. We had a funeral this morning for one of the founding members of our church. He and his wife were married for somewhere around 70 years. Whenever you see her on Sundays she will ask how you are, and after you say you’re doing well and ask her back, she says, “I’m blessed.”

Our anniversary time went well. We returned to the Inn and this time stayed in the Hyacinth room. We had to go the night before the actual date since all the rooms were booked on Friday night because of the fair. We’ve got a pretty good routine down now when it comes to these dates. I used to feel pressure to make sure things happened according to my particular ideas and assumptions of his expectations. The marriage books often said you needed to give yourself time to unwind while away from the kids.

We’re not in that stage now. We know what we like and don’t need to much veer from it. Last night we had a circuit cookout for pastors and families. We don’t really put it on ourselves, camp just serves as a place to have it. We had a family reunion for most of today. Dad and the kids went ahead after the funeral but I stayed behind and went to bed from 1 to 4. It’s the way it must be done when days are fuller. I met them there.

(Photo: Center Park at Lake Springfield)

Sometimes I wish
We could process together
Compare notes
And ask each other
Was it like this for you?

Why would God do this?
Create a call that couldn’t happen
But at the same time
So deeply effect
Our inner lives?

Was there no other way
To keep us close to his path
Would I have really
Not listened
And done something much worse?

And what of the others?
Who through no fault
of their own
No deed deserving
Became lesser

I will love them more now
And you yours
I can accept the gift as is
The force, the intersect, the grounding
Even stronger than you

Dad, the boys, and I went to the Athens track this evening. Last year toward the end of summer they ran a brothers 4×400 relay. They wanted to continue the tradition this year except this time they’re adding the 4×100, 4×200, and 4×800. Tonight was the 4×100 (1:02) and 4×200 (2:15). My job was to watch and take videos from the stands. Dad was the starter and official timer for the race and for splits.

I know I’ve written a lot about work things and the stresses, mostly because that is what first assaults my nerves and needs processed. But there are heartwarming things too that, as they say nowadays, “hits different” (bad grammar, I know). We spent a lot of time in the room of a woman who had recently returned from the hospital. It was about time to be finishing up our tasks and clicking off our MAR items so we could be ready to get out of there, but this nurse didn’t seem rushed at all.

They have a routine where she holds up a teddy bear. I didn’t catch what the teddy bear meant. They like to watch old movies together with the handsome actors like Paul Newman and others. The woman is non-verbal but is alert to self and people. She can make expressions, shake her head when she hears you, and look you straight in the eye. Then the nurse walked to the shelf and picked up a picture of the woman’s deceased husband.

She held it up so she could kiss him. It makes me tear up just typing about it. On the same shelf is a picture of an adult daughter in heaven, I didn’t ask what happened. The woman doesn’t remember but the nurse says it’s for the best. I had to go get some different dressings from the supply room but didn’t have a pen to sign it out for the charges. Thankfully I did remember to go back and write it down because who knows if there’s a video camera in that room someplace.

If there’s a video camera in a resident room they mark it clearly at the door. It’s their right to have one and it’s our right to know. The biggest reason I didn’t want to work any 7-11’s here is because I didn’t want to have to walk to my car that far in the dark. It’s fine in the daytime but it’s different at night and by then all the maintenance and security men have gone home. I just walked straight and made it clear.

Yesterday I walked out of my evening shift almost giddy. I have avoided the word “love” when talking about this job because it has felt too soon to say something so committed. But in that moment if I’d have had a feelings scanner that measures raw feelings it would’ve shown up saying, “Oh my gosh, I love this”. Part of it I think was just hanging out with a nurse for four hours so in some ways it was kind of like having a friend.

The night before was a completely different story. I didn’t learn any of the things that I’d thought out ahead of time to ask and learn. The nurse was having a terrible night work-wise and personally. I guess there are men out there who can be 50-something and are calling their girlfriends because he’s hungry and can’t find the remote. It didn’t matter how many times she told him to stop calling or that she was very busy right now.

I actually texted my husband and asked him to pray because I was scared. There was another one who was calling her who was also a grown man and also related. A mind reader throughout the night would’ve seen something like, “You have got to be kidding me. Not normal, again.” I felt bad for the nurse and she felt bad for me and I just was like, listen, it’s okay, are you okay? I mean, I wanted to learn but people are important.

So that was completely screwy. I did get to do a bladder scan which I’d never done before or even knew such a thing existed. It’s basically like a portable ultra-sound machine that you roll into their room and put the gel on their lower abdomen and then follow the directions so you can see if they’re retaining urine after going. I also finally learned how to load up the nighttime tube feeding into the pump and then program it.

We always just did it by gravity. They still do it that way but the pumps are for people who really do not eat much or at all by mouth. They had those before I’m sure, I just don’t remember ever having had a patient (as a nurse) with one or setting one up myself…and now I’m starting to get that nervous, doubting feeling again. I hate it when I get so excited like this. I think I ended up liking it but hopefully it was the right box.

I saw an Instagram post today that got me thinking about homeschooling. @lauren_stadler posted it in her stories but the post I am referencing originally came from @siloandsage that said “Formal lessons are just one way kids learn. Don’t put your home education into a box.” She was offering ideas for homeschool that went beyond kids sitting at a desk doing worksheets. You can learn math via cooking and learn spelling through playing Scrabble, etc.

And I don’t disagree with it. There was an excitement in homeschooling that you could, as she says, “count it all”. All the things you were doing as daily life were part of school, and this, somehow, was better than what they could be getting somewhere else. It wasn’t a conceited belief on my part. It was more like a gut feeling, an instinct that said right now my children were better off with me.

When I see those posts now it absolutely exhausts me. Like I feel the exhaustion of what it would be like if I were to try what we did then and do it the same way now. I don’t have that kind of spunk or energy. I remember thinking that the growth, restraint, and adjustments made and needed in the first full year of homeschooling had surely taken five years off of my life. But after that we settled in.

Not all of my kids have had the same experience. As my oldest has told me, homeschooling wasn’t bad, but LuHigh was better. For him it beyond a shadow of a doubt was. The others have had more evened-out opinions. There are pros, there are cons, to every school option. They have all done well whenever entering “real school”, which gives me the assurance and confidence needed that the school part in our equation was doing it’s job. I’m not changing that.

But I hope to do now more learning alongside them, in the way of also working through the books and the lessons. With no classes of my own my mind is freed up, and that is the way I like it to be. When I look forward to the days with anticipation not dread. That is the best part to me about being home. The possibilities are endless, the creative outlets are live-giving. And being with those who taught me most about love.

I rarely come away from a shift feeling confident. I keep thinking these 4-hour work shifts are going to be part of the key to low-stress living. But I have lost track now if there even ever was one that was straightforward and simple in the way I would hope for. Anymore, to have a solid foundation in the field as a floor nurse I’d say you need at least five years experience. Coming into this I only had two.

So the director was completely right to say she planned to treat me like a brand new nurse. I was relieved when she said that, and think of it still as I’m driving home and my mind is busy again thinking about all the things that went on. If I’m a brand new nurse it makes sense why I’m questioning if this or that is worth notifying the doctor. It seems that more often then not the answer is yes you had better.

And then the doctor will order things and you’ve got to put them all into the computer. This is the part you have to do because if you don’t then the pharmacy isn’t notified and the lab has no idea. This time the weekend supervisor did it for me, which I was very thankful for, but it still doesn’t help me learn to do it by myself. They walk me through it and I’ve done it several times but not enough for it to stick.

Confidence was one of things I was supposed to work on according to my employee evaluation. That and making the scheduler more aware of availability. I do feel more confident when it comes to what to actually do with a person. I’m supposed to train 7-11 the next two nights and if we have time I am going to ask her to show me how to put the oxygens machines together and how to put in the orders.

And to tell me exactly what I would do if there was a code. I’m just trying it out and am free to not like it and say no to those hours. This is all if I don’t get a call from a boss saying I majorly screwed something up and am done. That med error write-up lives in my calendar, as a reminder to me that I want to be confident but not too much so.

The day included a few outings. Dad and the kids left early to help set up for a family reunion that was happening in Chatham. I was feeling weak and said that I likely would just be coming separately. It isn’t terrible, but it’s that’s feeling like the energy is leaking out with my steps and the only way it goes away is to rest and recover. So I went back to bed and stayed there until I felt better enough to meet them there around 1.

Jessica, Jason, and the girls were there and we stayed until around 2:30. There was a birthday party for one of the babies at church which we stopped by as well. On the way there we stopped by Dollar General for a card. My daughter asked if all families were like this, where you stop by minutes before the party to get the person a card. I told her it was likely all families were not like this, but rather families with people like me.

She wasn’t mad about it. After that we drove her to Miles’ house and stopped by Walgreens on the way there. I’d printed off a picture to include with his going away gift. I went in to say hello, and then goodbye, and to see how all of the packing was going. He has to be there a little earlier for soccer and has two roommates from Spain or South America or somewhere. His mom said he could bring some home over break.

How is it already August. Earlier in the week I texted my sister-in-law and told her my week was wide open. It slowly filled in with things either for us or the kids, but not before we scheduled Thursday and Friday to spend the day in St. Louis. We left around 8 yesterday morning and dropped the van off at the shop. They said there was nothing wrong with it but it’s been making a louder noise. My daughter and I both noticed it.

After that we drove down, it only takes us two hours now. The boys worked on moving things and putting things together. The girls painted the last room still needing it. We took an afternoon break and didn’t do as much but then rallied again in the early evening before supper to get the basement unpacked and the play area set up. We went to Sam’s for a living room rug and then to Target for panel to cover the shelves.

After supper we watched the Olympics. I didn’t really care that much but they had been watching the women’s gymnastics. I didn’t care about the swimming, I didn’t care about the track events that hadn’t even started yet, I just didn’t. They’re still waiting for a new mattress so they’ve been sleeping on the guest bed but gave us the bed for the night. There was also plenty of space between couches and futons and the upstairs room.

I’ll probably come back and write more later but one of the boys needs the computer for right now. They’re starting a new Minecraft world tonight with the camp server.// I didn’t feel happy when Simone Biles won. The announcer kept saying that she was the greatest gymnast of all time. Why? My mind automatically flashed to other gymnasts I’d paid more attention to. Shawn Johnson. Nastia Liukin. 2008 had been the last time.

I wanted Shawn Johnson to win the all-around gold then. Why? Because she was cuter? More popular? And for whatever reason I wasn’t happy either when Nastia won instead of Shawn, though she did at least get a gold in the balance beam. Simone Biles had already won once. Why not give somebody else a chance? But then I saw the silver medalist hold up her Brazilian flag and smile. And she looked proud to be holding it.

So then I thought, “Okay”. If she could get the silver Olympic all-around medal twice and still be happy, I wasn’t going to remain where I was. And her smile warmed my heart, and I had to go back and look up the names. As soon as I saw them I remembered. Tatiana Gutsu. Svetlana Boginskaya. Lilia Podkopayeva. It didn’t matter where they were from. The repetition of their names and the grace in their routines still won me over.