A woman texted this morning. She was coming out to camp. Could she have ten minute of my time? There were other things she said, including an apology for being so selfish. She felt an urging from God that I was struggling too. I didn’t know what to say to that. I wasn’t about to unload all my deepest darkest thoughts in an instant, though I did consider it. I told her I forgave her, that I didn’t think she’d been selfish, but if she felt convicted in that way then I did forgive her. We couldn’t meet today though.

I was sick today. Before I’d had time to do much thinking or journaling, before I’d thought that I can talk too much and sometimes need to lie still in the quiet and let God speak to me. Not to process, not to call someone. To wait on God and be still in his presence. But before I’d even thought any of that, I wondered if this wasn’t just a terrible, oppressive temptation. This re-occurring and ever present convincing that there will be only be healing when I’m apart from all this. This church. This house.

Have a I languished for years in unmet needs? It sure seems to me so. What other explanation could answer me fully? It feels so reasonable. Move out, set up a place, control your surroundings with the number of items and placements of all of them. Then peace will come. I will dedicate myself to a life of chastity and mercy work, free from the injuries, the burdens, the languishing. My desires have changed and weren’t always so holy. This recollection gives me hope. I pray against it. Grant me clarity.

The fun, anymore, is not enough for me now. Fun was in the wave pool, laughing as we made our way toward the wall, telling my stories about a book I’d just read. And then backing off and then asking her questions, holding on to each other’s tubes, all of us together in the bobbing water. I have filled my mind with so much trash. Tactics that did not play out in real life, these ways to earn love, respect, admiration. Did it work? Was it worth it? No and no. Rather, a woman who fears the Lord. A gentle and quiet spirt.

These are the things God’s word extols. Why was I wrapped up in anything else? I want to be at peace and content in my surroundings without giving up the continued work to improve them. Perhaps in this my eyes will be opened to more, to what has been there all along however faint or obscured or in the worst instances blocked. The boys are feeling better and spent the day down at camp, though one did stay with me here in the morning hours. Dad left later to get me some Sprite. I slept for much of the day.