Elianna and I left around 7:10 in the morning. We dropped my son at the LuHigh bus stop in town and went to Harvest Market to find some coffee and breakfast. They didn’t really have anything that looked good, was healthy, and was easy to grab. She ordered a smoothie and I asked for a small black coffee. I can drink regular coffee now without it doing whatever it used to do to my nerves. I still limit myself to only a few cups a week.

We ended up stopping by McDonalds for oatmeal. I’m on the second day of my walking 30-minutes a day plan. I just need to start somewhere and be consistent with something, and especially where we live, walking is such a readily accessible form of exercise. On the way out of Illinois we swung by Hannibal to pick up Miles. He originally wasn’t able to come but his soccer game in Indiana was cancelled due to lack of refs.

I only drove about halfway and then they took over. For lunch we found a Hyvee where there were plenty of options that weren’t fast food. For supper we ate at a regular bar and grill that we’d never been to before in Seward. Elianna and I walked back to the dorm and the boys drove. We walked around campus for a short time and then lounged a bit in the campus center. The boys went back to the dorm and she and I to our room.

I left for class early so I could figure out exactly went wrong with last week’s getting lost incident. The door that I go into actually walks into the second floor. When I get on the elevator to go upstairs, there is a two on the door and a sign that says “Level 2”. So last week when I got on the elevator to go back down, I should’ve taken it back to the second floor, not the first. I’d not done that before but for some reason was confused.

To search it out further, I asked the girl sitting next to me if she thought the layout of this particular Brookens building was confusing. She said it definitely was so it wasn’t just me. She works at the university and used to train tour guides, so she happened to know the random fact that the architect who designed the building strongly believed that students could not learn how to think outside the box if they were going to school in a box.

So he designed the building to have zero right angles. I was going to say it was shaped like an octagon or something like that but that’s not quite right either. The classrooms are all in the inner portion of the building and have no windows. The music for the ride there was worship and praise music. I heard a beautiful song I’d never before heard, that when I caught the words, I was sure they were saying the most marvelous things.

Come Behold the Wondrous Mystery
by Matt Boswell, Michael Bleecker, Matt Papa

Come behold the wondrous mystery
In the dawning of the King
He the theme of heaven’s praises
Robed in frail humanity
In our longing, in our darkness
Now the light of life has come
Look to Christ, who condescended
Took on flesh to ransom us

Come behold the wondrous mystery
He the perfect Son of Man
In His living, in His suffering
Never trace nor stain of sin
See the true and better Adam
Come to save the hell-bound man
Christ the great and sure fulfillment
Of the law, in Him we stand

Come behold the wondrous mystery
Christ the Lord upon the tree
In the stead of ruined sinners
Hangs the Lamb in victory
See the price of our redemption
See the Father’s plan unfold
Bringing many sons to glory
Grace unmeasured, love untold

Come behold the wondrous mystery
Slain by death the God of life
But no grave could ever restrain Him
Praise the Lord, He is alive

What a foretaste of deliverance
How unwavering our hope
Christ in power resurrected
As we will be when he comes

The vultures surprised me one day while walking. I’m used to seeing them in trees but they caught me off guard on this day when their dark silhouettes blended in with the branches. Not to speak poorly about the Lord’s creatures but these particular ones fill me with no awe. No delight or excitement. They repulse me by the way they hang out with the dead things and rest in only the dead trees. Have they no inner sense?

I’ve had death on my mind. The 40ish year old daughter of one of our former district presidents passed away this past weekend due to a brain tumor. It was found in the summer and was very aggressive. Where do these things even come from, it’s awful. To think that you can get that far into life and still not be done, to imagine that a trial that grievous could still be awaiting you even decades into the future is too much for me.

We’re all just one strange pain away from a terrible, awful diagnosis. I made a group chat with my two oldest kids who have phones and I’ve decided I’m just going to start shamelessly sharing. I don’t care if they don’t write anything back to me. As I feel inspired and has thoughts come to I will pass them along for them to read now or later, whenever. I never thought I’d be this lost, that I’d ever not know what to do with myself.

I was telling Josh the other day that if I was in that situation, if I was the one who was dying, according to God, a precious death in his eyes, that I think I would feel a little bit mad at him for being the one who gets to live. Would he feel that way, I asked. No, he said, almost a little incensed. That he would have the kids, their future lives, or even have another woman in life…I pray I would have the grace to truly love him unto death.

“Thank you. I love you. I’m sorry.” That’s all that would need to be said by me, and said all without malice, without envy, without shame. “I forgive you. I love you. Thank you, too.” My hand, with no strength, would be resting in his, and my breath would leave me at precisely the time when God said. The back pain over. The leg pain gone. There would still be death and mourning, but not for me. Not for the ones who see God fully.

Today was a busier day. This morning instead of school we had a co-op meeting at camp. A group we started back then was sort of starting back up. I had nothing to do with it and wouldn’t have even gone if it hadn’t been here with Dad leading the Matins service. It just seemed like if it was happening here then we should go so we did.

It was actually fairly fun. I gave up with this co-op because when we were doing it before it just started to feel like too much hassle for not enough benefit. There were some fun surges where we had like four or five couples there and could have some good parenting encouragement discussion while the kids played in their various stations.

Which was more what I thrived in but it wasn’t able to last due to various families moving away or dropping out because it wasn’t a good season. And then I felt like my kids were too old and the other family’s kids ages didn’t really match with mine to really accomplish the socialization that the other family was mostly wanting out of the time.

But we kept doing it until I got sick and then that was the end of our involvement. And for a while it’s not like I was bitter but the whole thing had kind of left a bad taste in my mouth. Like how much of this was me being selfish and wanting my preferences and needs met too and how much was I supposed to be just accommodating for others?

But anyway it was good. I had to leave early because I had an interview with a potential interview secondary site supervisor. I’ve been patient with the slow start of internship because I honestly haven’t had bandwidth to do more than I was doing. But four weeks in, I know I need to be more aggressive with getting some hours. 5-6ish would be ideal.

That’s still not going to be enough to make the 18 weekly but it will be more than what I’m getting now. This site is called Thrive Center for. He says a big part of what they do has to do with addiction recovery as that is his passion as someone who is 18 years sober. From what, I asked. He said alcohol and basically any and all of the drugs.

So they have a recovery group from 9-12 on Wednesdays and Fridays. I said the Fridays was one of the slots I could do. I would observe a few times but then be expected to participate by contributing thoughts to the group and then eventually co-facilitating the group with him. I would also be expected to take on at least one individual client case.

They also have a group every other Tuesday evenings for doctors and nurses. I said, “Oooo. You for mean for like PTSD??” He said, no, for people who’ve had disciplinary action taken against their license because of addiction. I guess there’s even a heart surgeon in there. He said he thought nursing needed to be officially listed in the DSM.

Because nursing is professional co-dependency. I said okay but there could be healed versions of that. I had to answer a bunch of questions and then he said I could interview him. I didn’t really have that much to ask. So I emailed my professor and requested this as a second site and now I have to wait for approval on whether or not I can do this.

After that there was a little bit of downtime but then we left early so we could walk the course where one of the boys had a meet. LuHigh was hosting a cross country meet on the new property where the new school is hopefully going to be someday. They had four of the local private grade schools and let our son join as an independent runner.

So that was nice. He said his mouth was so dry he thought about asking one of his brothers for water. Laura’s parents were there dropping off a birthday present for the trip my daughter and I are scheduled to take this weekend. They’d never been to a cross country meet before and enjoyed it. I have no idea how to end but I’m done now.

Work went decently well last night. I was concerned because when I was in the middle of getting report the CNA’s brought a woman in her wheelchair who was complaining of not being able to breathe. She kept saying, “Please help me. I can’t breathe.” She had been outside with her son-in-law for much of the afternoon and someone thought perhaps she was hot. Allergies have been bad lately as they can be this time of year.

She eventually was okay. And then around 3:30 one of the aides came and said a resident wanted her oxygen saturation checked. There was a big to-do and within the hour she was being sent to the hospital where she was later admitted for having a lung full of fluid. But after that things settled down and it was a fairly pleasant and regular night. I know there’s an element of having to expect that people are not always well.

I started meeting with my kid groups tonight. So far it has mostly been meeting with kids, moms, and family groups but not really doing anything official. I wasn’t really doing anything official this time either. We were going over group rules and what is expected of the kids when we’re in group. You’ve got the ones who are angels and seem to have no problems at all sitting still and listening. And then there are the ones who struggle.

We are going to talk about mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical health. It’s a mental health program that I’m doing this for so I figured that needs to be at least part of the focus. Today we talked a little about knowing and believing that we are valuable. Good mental health is based on the foundation of having a sense of self-worth. I wanted each one to think of something they liked about themselves and then share.

I stayed for four hours. It was actually more like three hours and fifty-two minutes but I decided to round. The teacher said that you can count billing hours as hours, which would include a 45-50 minute time slot. I came home and Dad was out for his evening walk. He was replying to an email about retreat information. Midnight, Casper, and Shadow were also around. Elianna came outside too and the boys were downstairs.

I feel like every time I’m talking about work I’m complaining about it. It’s been a while since I’ve worked a shift after fitting in my required shifts into the beginning of last month. Something came up where there was an opportunity for me to take an every other weekend evening position on Spring. At first I thought, “No”. I didn’t do evenings anymore, it was too late for me, etc. But then I said, “Let me think about it…”

Yesterday was the first night. It was also the first full evening shift I’ve done there since I started. I wish I could say it was calm and peaceful but it wasn’t. What I desire and envision in calm and peaceful is arriving and receiving report where the day has been uneventful and residents are healthy and stable. You pass your meds around suppertime, taking your time because there’s no need to rush. You’re relaxed.

Then there’s a a slight break where you can sit down at the desk and maybe write a few notes. You take a leisurely stroll down the hall to leave the floor for a moment and use the bathroom and come right back. Before you know it residents are getting ready for bed and it’s time for the bedtime meds. This is usually the time where if someone needs a cream or a power you put that on them too. You click off all of your tasks as done.

And the you have the rest of the evening, typically around two hours, to finish any charting and tidy and restock the med cart. Throughout the shift you answer call lights and refill people’s water or search their drawer for a pen or a book or something simple. What complicates it is when you hear some shouting help and walk into find a very dear and frail old woman flat on her face on the floor in front of her wheelchair.

Or when someone is feeling “funny all over” with slurred speech and the daughter coming in to see more about what is going on. One was during the supper meds and the other right as I had gotten started with the bedtime ones. When these things happen then passing meds and answering call lights seem like the most inconvenient and non-pressing things and you have to get it done with the extra care and charting.

She was sent to the ER. I again give thanks to God for the weekend supervisor who was there again saving my tail. I keep waiting for this to get easier. I keep holding out in the barrage of stress and atypical and tedious situations hoping sometime just to have a boring night. They tell me it happens. So that was my hope in taking this shift, that this would give me some kind of predictability. It would give me more routine and peace.

Peaceful routines and predictability. More and more these are the things I value and want in my life. If this doesn’t end up working out then that’s fine. I would like it to work out without it having to put any more stress on my body or upheaval in my mind. I like people and enjoy them, but their problems can sometimes overwhelm me. As I recently said to someone, “I am trying not to die young,” though the Lord has managed that.

Elianna had a meet in Lincoln Park. It doesn’t take long to get there from here. It was occurring to me earlier that she’s kind of had the same issue as my son where more experience running has not necessarily resulted in faster times. My daughter is one of the most disciplined people I know and in season and out of season has been faithful with her running for years. I really don’t study it or anything, but in my head it just seems to make sense that the more you stick with it the better you’d get.

Her friend on the team has had a similar experience. I think of how much change occurs in their bodies over these years from junior high through the end of high school and even beyond. Every year they are essentially running with a different body. Every season, ever race, is a different experience from the one before. But then there are ones who do get faster and you remember when they were younger and have watched them grow and develop in their running as the leading runners in their races.

So I don’t know. This is probably the hardest course of the season. Dad and two of the boys went their way and me and another one of the boys went our way. I said he didn’t have to come with me but he said it was fine. He was interacting with one of the squirrels along the course. We found our way to the hill but only stayed for the first loop. The next time we were higher up past the hill. When the girls went by we went back to the finish line. I used to cheer for all the runners but I had to let that go.

I have been thinking the past few days about marriage, specifically the marriages of my aunt and my in-laws. I’d never pretend to know the ins and outs of a person’s marriage, but just based on the things I did know about each of them, it seems that even though these marriages went almost 50 and 45 years respectively, there were seeming elements of unfinished business. Longings never met, issues that went unresolved. I kept imagining my father-in-law, in his hospice bed, and what I wished he’d done.

How I would’ve given anything in some moment (not anything, but that’s the saying) to see him wake up, take her hand, and say “Thank you for everything.” And later I thought truly how tragic that any marriage would go without saying it, without so many of these important things being expressed: “Thank you. I love you. I’m sorry.” Are we meant to go that whole way and have there still be barriers? Dreams abandoned? Words unfelt or unsaid, or even love unrecognized? Must all of us wait until eternity to love truly?

Dad and the boys were gone today at the gulf outing. It’s an annual fundraiser that people do to for camp. When I heard the boys were going too I held my hand up to my heart and said, “my boys”. I felt a pang of sadness that we wouldn’t be spending the morning or day together doing our school things. They seemed genuinely confused that I would miss them. They were only going to be gone for the day.

But I kept busy. We actually did do some school in the morning before they left, which wasn’t until around 9:45. After that I showered and sent my sister my resume. She was looking for examples as she is wanting to step away from the job she does at their church but doesn’t necessarily have a ton of official experience. She has all kinds of skills including graphic design which she regularly donates to the camp.

Then I went shopping for groceries. It was a big deal because I went ahead and did one of the larger pantry stocking trips. Extra potatoes, apples, seasonings, etc. Squash, beans, even a bag of lentils and another of bean soup. I promise either one can be made to taste good and turned into a meal people like. In addition I picked up window clings for the dining room and ingredients to make a dessert again.

I also picked up a bag of ready-made chocolate cookie dough. Sometime, I thought, I will make these for whoever to have homemade cookies when they get home. I decided to make them for the two bigger kids who had a half-day at school and were home for lunch. It’s hard for me to do things sometimes as I think, “But we’re not all here, what’s the point?” But it still means something to the ones who are there.

They liked the cookies and said it was one of the best lunches they’d had in a long time. One, because it was home, and two, because there were extra snack things, plus the stuff for the sandwich, plus the cookies to top it all off. That is one of the special things about the day you go to the store, there is food in abundance. I put the cold food away but told Josh I would get the rest sometime. The boys finished it later.

I got lost on my way out of school. We were done with class about 8:30. I walked out of the classroom and toward the elevator where I hit the down arrow. A woman wished me a safe trip home and I thanked her and disappeared behind the doors. When I came out of the elevator I walked in a direction until it seemed like nothing I was seeing looked familiar. I thought maybe I’d gone too far down to the basement floor.

So I walked up the stairwell until I came to the next floor. The woman I’d said goodbye to was walking out with a friend of hers who is also in the program. It was obvious I was lost and the door they were walking out was not the usual door that I come in when arriving for class. This looked like a main entryway and door but mine is a door with a skinny hallway. This wasn’t ringing any bells for them and they thought maybe I came in from the back.

But they weren’t going to leave me to figure it out on my own. We ended up walking to the woman’s car and she drove me around until we found mine. It didn’t take long to find it. I had just been excited that I didn’t need Maps anymore for directions. The woman is very beautiful and I almost told her but didn’t. I was very grateful for her help and time. I hope I do not do that again but I find the Brookens layout confusing.

Dad said that Ron said there was leftover orange juice and milk in the camp fridge. Most of the time the food extras are good. Sometimes in the summer they have an abundance of scrambled eggs or several Ziplock bags of egg casserole they send home with us. Especially in the summer when we are eating down there, the eggs do not end up getting eaten and it gets to the point where no one really wants any more eggs.

But orange juice and milk we will definitely take. I was eating supper after getting home from internship when the muffled sound of the boys talking to me with thoughts and ideas turned into us getting into the van to drive down there. My son with the drivers permit drove. I can tell a big difference since he’s started with the driving every day after school. We are always afraid of hitting cats but they so far seem to know to move.

My son parked and the younger boys went into the kitchen. I said to make sure he had it in park so that he didn’t accidently run over anyone when they came back out. He said it already was in park which was good. There was a song he thought I’d like that he wanted to look up and play from my phone. It was Lullaby by Lord Huron, a band we both like. All of my sons have different temperaments, it completely fascinates me.

We drove back. I didn’t get a long enough chance to listen to the song to see if I liked it. I’ve told the boys that the songs by this group are basically all about the same person. One of the writers fell in love with a woman and almost every song he writes now has something to do with her. They thought I read that information in an interview somewhere, but I said no, you just have to listen. They’re all about the same person.

I was eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Dad and Elianna had left around the same time to find her some ice cream. The gas station didn’t have any so they continued on to Country Market. They were taking too long and I thought perhaps there’d been a crash. Dad didn’t answer but they were home not long after. He said, “You weren’t wanting me to get you food were you?” I said, no, you were just taking too long.