I’m sleepy today after a night of rainfall. The boys woke up and thought it’d be a good day to miss school. I was working on my handout for the morning Zoom call I had scheduled. They know they don’t have to try to hard to get me to give into them but I do at least make them give me some reasons. Instead of school we could bake. The one went and brought some cookbooks into the living room. I know when it’s over that these are the moments I will cry over missing.

They worked at the table while I had my meeting. We compromised on two subjects, which I learned when I asked another what school subjects they’d done. Bible and Science. In science they’re learning about the stars and it’s kind of confusing he said. I said “Ooo, I will have to look at your book.” I want to read what it says. He doesn’t understand how the big dipper is supposed to be a bear. We still do Social Studies together but the Science and Math fell away.

I told them we could make Irish soda bread, which did not require yeast or a trip to the store. We’d have results in time to be done by lunch when Dad could also enjoy the creation. It’s normally a St. Patrick’s Day thing but Halloween works too. I agree with them and understand where they’re coming from, that those times when the weather turns inspire you to do something different and celebrate the occasion. I’m trying to be present but also am texting with Miles’ mother.

Josh got a text last night with a prayer request for one of the homeschool community families they know. A high school aged daughter had been diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer and was having emergency surgery today. A mom of four from Hoyleton was diagnosed with stage 4, and again I’m not understanding any of this. We mixed the flour and tablespoon of baking soda and goat kefir for buttermilk. I read them directions as they kneaded the dough on the table.

Now I’m resting in bed, still able to see leaves from here. I could make a career out of fasting and prayers, or at least live a full life taken up with them. Dad comes in to pick out a book for his afternoon nap which I am proud that he takes. Before he leaves I ask the question, if he can make me some tea. He brings it back. Do I want the heat on or windows open he asked me earlier when he was back after his morning leadership class. Windows open, I said, not ready to close them.

Watch me

spin my heart

in circles

I will dance

for you

every night

in my dreams

I finally just asked the moms if I could take a video of our kid sessions. For our class we need to show six videos. Two regular ones are in front of the whole class. Two are privately with just you and the teacher. One is a bigger presentation in front of the class. And the other is the faculty panel demonstrating basic skills. Once you pass the panel you don’t have to do that one again.

Thankfully they said yes. These are just for the ones between me and the teacher so nobody else is going to see them. The kids were excited and seemed to enjoy being filmed. There’s really no way to pretend you’re not being watched when there are video cameras in almost every room. You just act like you normally would and eventually just forget about the cameras even being there.

Something about this place makes me terrified of being betrayed. You can think that you’re forming good relationships with people and that they’re comfortable and basically decent and wouldn’t do anything to hurt you. Just because Jesus loved people didn’t mean they didn’t do things to eventually hurt and kill him. With Judas it seems like, you hope it was easier since he knew what would happen.

And it works both ways. Something mentioned all the time in classes is informed consent. It’s when you’re operating under the agreement that whatever is said between the two of you stays between the two of you unless it becomes a matter of physical safety for them or another person. I’ve forgotten to mention that a couple of times but am trying to remember to say that to them now.

The boys and I went on a field trip with the homeschool group this morning. It was to Lincoln’s New Salem which is a town Abraham Lincoln lived in before he was president. Once we arrived the boys started listing all the times they’ve been here. Some with Grandma, some with me, many I didn’t remember but I was thankful that they did. The weather was absolutely perfect on this almost 80 degree day.

The leaves are falling now. I was entranced walking the sidewalks and taking pictures of the colors. We have these opposing characteristics where it seems like every good trait I have is balanced out with a negative that is somehow connected. Sometimes the trait that grows depends on the environment, so that what’s considered negative shrinks and the positive grows or vice versa. But sometimes they seem to grow together.

We didn’t stay for the picnic. The Athens Blacktop which forms the main road to get to New Salem is finally open again for driving. Every so often they block a part of it off for construction which turns a strait line into zig zag out in the country. Abraham Lincoln is my favorite present because he seems to have been a nice person. He also had a hard life and hard decisions to make as president but he did his best.

Ug. Well that wasn’t it either.

With cross country being over now I’m looking forward to having more time for my internship sites. With Contact especially, I need more time there to be able to meet with people. The evenings have started to feel a bit wearisome, in that I don’t like so often having some place to go. But at the same time, it is a season, and just like every season they eventually change.

For my presentation we are supposed to present on a theory. I like learning about the different counseling theories but question sometimes how practical they are when meeting in person. The point is to find something that lines up with your worldview. There were absolutely none that stood out to me as glowing, comprehensive, all-encompassing theories.

But over the summer I found one that I actually liked and made me excited. It’s called Relational-Cultural Theory and is based on the idea that individual happiness and well-being is tied to a person’s amount of involvement in growth-fostering relationships. It was developed by a woman who felt like the conventional ways of treating women were majorly missing the mark.

The theories developed by men of the day placed too much emphasis on the self (an exception to this is John Bowlby and his pioneering research studying mother-infant bonds). Carl Rogers’ person-centered therapy was great, however, for giving therapists the words for what fosters growth in others 1) empathy, 2) genuineness, and 3) unconditional positive regard.

That was the first one I loved.

You know how when you say something and you’re just like, “Ug.” I do that sometimes when I’m writing here, especially when I’ve said something to fill in space. I have this thing where I have to have an odd number of paragraphs, except when I get to seven, then it has to be even. So I had six paragraphs and was done except I needed seven.

What I really wanted to say was, “I’m still feeling sad about cross country being over.” And to be honest, I care about school, but not that much. It’s a pain in the butt trying to get in these hours and I don’t mind the presentations, but it’s also all just a reminder of the other school which was easier when it came to supervision requirements.

When Elianna and I were at Hannibal, there were all these cheery people greeting us at the doors. One man said he was happy it rained and I said, “Ooo, are you a farmer!?!” And almost instantly after I said, “Wait, it’s harvest, farmers don’t want the rain now.” She thought that was so funny and I did too. I just shrugged and kept walking again.

This was one of my weekends to work. Last time I didn’t have to because I found a replacement for when we went out to Iowa. For my next weekend Dad bought us tickets to an Andrew Peterson concert at Hannibal La-Grange college for my birthday. I found a replacement for that night but it wasn’t yet showing on the printed schedule when I looked. People like working on this wing because it’s easier.

The first night was about as perfect as it could be. It’s such a relief when that happens and you don’t feel the pressure of the clock with all the red dots telling you you’re behind. This time there was a lady on the floor within ten minutes of me getting there. She’d probably been there for at least 20. Thankfully she was okay and appeared to have slid out of her recliner while trying to get up. She’s a newer lady.

I seem to have found a noted weakness in my patience. For the most part the residents do not get on my nerves and I have no struggles to be kind to them. The ones where I feel resistance are with the ones who are confused and pose fall risks. They get agitated and try to get out of bed or stand up from their wheelchairs when they really are no condition to do so. You have to watch them and there isn’t always time.

Sometimes I get the feeling like I need to be helping more. When things are going fairly smooth in the evening I do have time where I could help with getting people down in their beds. The reason I have not so far is because pretty much every person on the wing requires the use of a machine to transfer them. On the summer wing I would try to help with the ones who were only stand-by assist and didn’t need that.

Even when I was an aide we didn’t use those machines because assisted living doesn’t use them and I never worked in a nursing home. In the hospital I’m sure they were there but I don’t remember ever using one. It’s one of those things where I refuse to just wing it and try to figure it out because someone could get seriously hurt if not done right. But you also have to have done it enough times to be comfortable.

Dad and the kids had trunk or treat at church. Our former DCE wanted to try and revive the fall festival when there used to be tons of kids and cars in the parking lot. It sounds like they had a good turnout with 17 cars decorated and a steady stream of preschool families showing up to participate. I’m glad it went well. They had a potluck and a bounce house so that was nice to not have to worry about supper.

With cross country being over I still have things to keep me busy. For class we need to present a total of six videos. I’ve done two so far and have my major presentation in a little over three weeks. I’d really like to spend time and do well on it. The other presentation is given to a faculty panel. Lincoln didn’t have all this though it depended on the teacher. I love(d) how it’s just normal to process things as you go.

The kids had their regional meet in Olympia. There entire thing was very much anticlimactic. None of the seniors were expected to make sectionals but one of the sophomores qualified in the individual category. That part was fun. It’s not that it wasn’t fun it’s just that you come to the end of something and feel like it should be a bigger deal than it was, but I wasn’t really having many feelings over anything anyway.

Maybe they will come later. I did end up having to go to the car between races and take my anxiety medication and get a break from the elements, mostly the wind. It wasn’t terrible but all of that together with the nerves and excitement for the runners takes a toll on my body. Ethan was also running his last race of the season and when I checked on the status of the race I was kind of disappointed that he wasn’t doing better.

Because that’s what he would’ve wanted. But anyway, a girl passed Elianna up at the very end and I saw her coming but I was too far away to scream at her, “GO Elianna, do NOT SLOW DOWN!” It wasn’t just a girl it was a teammate who’d been trying to beat her all season. I felt like that was a sh—-ty thing do to a senior. Those moments really aren’t as great as you imagine them to be, but the other ones very much so.

Elianna and I visited Hannibal La-Grange University today. It’s a nice little drive across the Illinois and Mississippi rivers where everybody says that the gas is way cheaper. We left around 6:30 and were back around 5. The kids had their last cross country practice before their regional meet tomorrow. They were meeting at Dairy Queen for blizzards.

The president gave a speech and said where you go to college is number three on the list of most important decisions you’ll make in your life. I can see it being in maybe the top ten, but definitely not the top three. Elianna said he was trying to make a speech and having your college choice be number three makes the speech sound better.

The number one choice is the decision to follow Christ and the second one obviously is the choice of who you will spend your life with. I agreed with those ones, but then I was trying to think of what could be listed as top ten most influential decisions of your life? I couldn’t think of ten but one I thought of was the choice to heal from the past.

Like at some point in life you’re going to have to forgive past grievances, let go of hurts and the disappointments and ways you didn’t have the advantage, and choose to not let those things make you bitter. My aunt used to say that happiness is a choice. If that’s the case, then I would say that on the list would also be the choice to be happy.

What you spend your life doing, as in career/vocation, he listed as number four. He didn’t go beyond that. Josh came up with one about how you care for your body, which got me thinking about the habits we establish. I dropped the kids off at the house and drove down to main camp where the fall leaves are looking very beautiful right now.

My mind keeps wanting to write about school and I keep trying to steer it away to go a different direction. Instead of adding to yesterday’s writing I’m just going to start a new one here. And when I’m doing school I want to write, and when we’re making lunch, or when I’m walking outside in the morning, afternoon, or evening or not even walking.

All the time, all the time, all the time. That’s a little extreme but I at least lately have the desire to write here or somewhere more than once a day. It’s paralyzing at times, and even stupid because it’s not like I am saying anything of much importance. It’s just my thoughts or a brief record of the day’s happenings, and every once in a while I wish I could make it come out to sound a little more intelligent, put together, and strong.

But that all takes time. And I would not give this up, because if I had to choose I would choose the creative freedom to say whatever over the bonds of obligation. But the deprivation is itself its own bond. I can remember intermittent fasting one time for two months and food was all I could think about. That kind of lifestyle did not work for me.

“Boys?”, I just said to them as they were playing outside, “Does it make you sad that I’m not spending very much time with you during school?” October I always started to drift but today was going to be better and we were going to have a normal school day, with me on the couch reading lessons. There was some of that but then it was over again.

“What do you want us to say?”, one of them asked from the yard while I was up on the deck. “The truth”, I replied. “No”, he said, and then I looked at the other and he said, “I mean, no.” The fact of the matter is that we have already spent that time together. They have already learned, how to read, how to work quietly. All my dreams cannot come true. It’s so hard for me to let go of these eras and then recognize and lean into the new ones.

“I mean, to be fair, you’re a parent. You can’t do everything.” I appreciate the times when they bring clarity of mind. I’m not saying that Im giving up on school or that I’m not going to keep trying to be involved in their daily school work. I’m saying I am already homeschooling and I’m already involved in it. I’m saying it’s very hard but still okay to let go.