My mind keeps wanting to write about school and I keep trying to steer it away to go a different direction. Instead of adding to yesterday’s writing I’m just going to start a new one here. And when I’m doing school I want to write, and when we’re making lunch, or when I’m walking outside in the morning, afternoon, or evening or not even walking.

All the time, all the time, all the time. That’s a little extreme but I at least lately have the desire to write here or somewhere more than once a day. It’s paralyzing at times, and even stupid because it’s not like I am saying anything of much importance. It’s just my thoughts or a brief record of the day’s happenings, and every once in a while I wish I could make it come out to sound a little more intelligent, put together, and strong.

But that all takes time. And I would not give this up, because if I had to choose I would choose the creative freedom to say whatever over the bonds of obligation. But the deprivation is itself its own bond. I can remember intermittent fasting one time for two months and food was all I could think about. That kind of lifestyle did not work for me.

“Boys?”, I just said to them as they were playing outside, “Does it make you sad that I’m not spending very much time with you during school?” October I always started to drift but today was going to be better and we were going to have a normal school day, with me on the couch reading lessons. There was some of that but then it was over again.

“What do you want us to say?”, one of them asked from the yard while I was up on the deck. “The truth”, I replied. “No”, he said, and then I looked at the other and he said, “I mean, no.” The fact of the matter is that we have already spent that time together. They have already learned, how to read, how to work quietly. All my dreams cannot come true. It’s so hard for me to let go of these eras and then recognize and lean into the new ones.

“I mean, to be fair, you’re a parent. You can’t do everything.” I appreciate the times when they bring clarity of mind. I’m not saying that Im giving up on school or that I’m not going to keep trying to be involved in their daily school work. I’m saying I am already homeschooling and I’m already involved in it. I’m saying it’s very hard but still okay to let go.