Casper likes to sleep under the tree now. It makes me happy when I see him curled up on the blue and white blanket. He’s been out and about so much with the outdoor ed groups these past two months that I think he’s just tired. He also likes to visit with whoever is camping in the popular chapel corner. They always ask us if we have a white cat and the tell about whatever it is he’s been doing there.

We had a track meet yesterday at the land where they’re supposed to eventually build the new high school. It really does seem like such a faraway dream that the land at some point will have a building and sports fields. They are still in whatever stage it is where they haven’t even started fundraising but have hired a fundraiser. The other day the kids and I were talking about some of the classes there.

Miles’ mom tried to tell me this one time about the English program and how non-Christian education-like it was. At the time I didn’t have the mental wherewithal to think it was really worth trying to change. But the more I’ve heard about things here and there I do think it would be in the school’s best interest to have some major curriculum changes in that department for sure. I will have to finish this later….

You know how when we took
our shoes off last summer

You told me it’d be fine
as long as rivers never cried

I think you were making that up
but I believed you

What else have you told me
that didn’t make sense

But only came out when
you had nothing else to say?

Give me a chance, I will
prove you wrong even more so

And I will say it again even
till all our wishes come true

Elianna had senior night tonight for cross country. It was kind of a conundrum because Ethan had to get back to school sometime and usually between the two of us there is one who can miss this or that thing going on or has more of an opening of negotiable schedule space. But neither one of us wanted to miss senior night and I really didn’t want to miss any more internship time at the moment.

Plus we had the auction going on last night. So Josh said Ethan would just take one of the cars and drive himself. I wouldn’t have thought of that idea but over time it grew on me. I didn’t say anything and really had nothing to do with it. At some point they’ve got to be able to do these things. I asked him to text me during his stops just to let me know where he was. We bought him one of those dashboard phone holders.

He texted right before eight to say that he’d made it and went the whole way without stops. I’d kind of figured when it came to be around six o’clock and I hadn’t heard from him. I was glad he was there and thankful to God for safe travels. We really had a great fall break time together and it was a good combination of home activities and outside busyness. Senior night went well and was another sweet time.

It’s that time of year where you have to be careful where you walk. If there’s a camper along the main camp walkway, especially if it’s the the only one with people staying in it, then you really shouldn’t walk that way unless you’re prepared to stop and talk. I tried to have a phone call going but my sister didn’t pick up. I don’t mean that to sound bad but when you’re trying to get some steps in there are only certain windows sometimes.

The kids had an auction and bingo game night to raise money for the national youth gathering trip next summer. Two of our kids are interested in going and have been attending the meetings. It wasn’t too bad. It gave me a chance to have more awareness on what exactly is going on. I’ve never gotten into the youth gathering things. The one year I could’ve gone there was no way I was giving up a whole week of camp for that.

I ended up bidding on a hardcover Lutheran Study Bible and won. Each of the kids had contributed a handwritten devotion and each one was placed in the Bible wherever the passage was that they based their devotion on. It was the last item of the night and I bid on it for two reasons, 1) So I could read the devotions my kids had written, and 2) Because I wanted the kids there to see that what they had done and given was valuable.

The district pastor’s wives retreat was this weekend at camp. I didn’t go, but when Josh went over for evening service on Friday, he texted to let me know that three of my pastor’s wife friends were attending. Laura’s mom had asked me earlier if I was going, but I told her I probably wasn’t since that was the weekend of fall break. This retreat has never filled my cup for whatever reason. Even living next door, it feels like the time of not even a 24-hour day is too much to give up when everyone is home here.

She didn’t go either but I don’t remember now why. I wrote earlier (and then deleted) about how we ended up babysitting for one of our camp friends and their 3-year old son. Things came up, and his dad needed to drop him off a littler earlier to get some work done. His mom asked if we could watch him and I was delighted to say yes. They’re people we would go out of our way to help, though we didn’t even need to since we lived right here and the afternoon with him over was a joy for all involved.

When his mother came to pick him up, she listed some of the other women in attendance. I know them only in name from hearing her talk. They are other young moms in the district, surprisingly close by for having never met them. Their husbands are newly ordained and they have a fairly active PALS group which they will next year age out of (PALS goes for three years). Five of the women this year had lap babies. In all this I felt a sense of longing to be part of their lives. I felt like I should know them.

She told me of a blog called All The Household. It’s run by two Lutheran women providing resources for other women who want to incorporate more liturgical living such as celebrating saint days and personal family things like baptismal birthdays. I remember wanting to be this kind of mom, sort of. Two of my internet friends were like this and I knew of more who would’ve found this revolving around the liturgical calendar appealing. But it didn’t feel quite authentic enough for me to do myself.

I’m not that Lutheran. But for whatever reason since becoming one, at least since becoming a married adult one, I do feel this call and pull toward the Lutheran sisterhood. After growing up as a mom and going through things with these people, I want to do more to help them, encourage them, etc, and not just turn my back and forget these people ever existed. If it’s real or just lingering sentimentality I don’t know. I told myself I’d never forget what that stage was like, and though I’ve tried I can’t forget.

By Friday this feels like an atypical week. Monday was a holiday so we didn’t have school. Tuesday I worked so I wasn’t here for school. Wednesday I was cleaning and Thursday we were cleaning too. This morning I had to be at the Thrive center from 9-12 but it only ended up being until 11. There were three cancellations and two no-shows for the recovery group. My schedule has felt fairly sporadic this month.

Since I am getting so many group hours at Contact, I’m not really worried about group hours here. I actually prayed about going today because I feel like there’s potential for things to be awkward. Sometimes like today there really isn’t a group or another time I was late or the groups were small. I do not want to be a disappointment for this person. Today I met the other intern who started there back in January.

He’s going to start working there once he graduates in May. It was nice to hear from another student and talk school things. According to him the class I need to take next semester is a breeze. I’m learning people complete this program in all kind of ways. He started in 2019, took a break to get another master’s degree in exercise science or something like that, and now is going back to school to finish this degree.

For a moment I was deeply regretting signing up here. “Oh it’s just one morning a week”, is fine when there are no other mornings I’m doing other outside things. Ethan is here this weekend and there was a part of me that wanted to show him how awesome I’m doing with homeschool, where it wasn’t me gone while they fended for themselves and did their hour of school (It’s always shorter when I’m gone).

I still get that feeling like I want to make something up to him, like I can somehow make up for the time we lost when he was home. Wherever the ball is that I dropped I want to pick it up and play with him and never be too occupied or distracted again. I’ve given up on talking, that doesn’t seem to be the way. Anymore I’m just content to be in the same room. On our walk Josh and I stopped and joined their ball game until dark.

So back to the internship place–I still like it. Since there was no group the supervisor showed me the computer system. He said he didn’t expect me to remember it all right then he was just going to show me. I also learned several practical things about starting to build a client base. This is the part that makes me nervous but also that I am anxious to start on. I want to see how it goes, if I like the job, if I can do this.

But I came away encouraged and sort of excited about the prospects. I was considering for a while this afternoon what I want my niche to be. I am having trouble collecting thoughts in this particular moment. The living room is loud with brothers hitting each other with pillows and Dad and Elianna and done watching their Batman movie. We had a nice supper tonight and enjoyed some good table conversations about things.

The boys and I had a beyond wonderful day. I thought we’d do school but there really wasn’t time. When they were up we left for the grocery store and other places. The first stop was Walmart to find the lights for the tree. We took our deep breaths and steeled ourselves and went in. The lights were not hard to find but the harvest throw for a tree skirt was. There was a Halloween one with spider webs but I didn’t want that one.

There was one with a sun and moon but I didn’t want that one. They were all for the most part picked over and gone. One of them suggested we could look at Aldi and I thought that was a fantastic idea. We checked out and drove across the street to Aldi. We didn’t have a quarter in the van. One of the boys said someone will have one. I didn’t want to be that person who knows by now that you should’ve had a quarter.

“Ma’am?”, she shouted from across the way, “Do you need a cart?” I’d only been digging around in my purse for five seconds. Yes I needed a cart. She didn’t care about the money she said, and sent it my way. “Thank you Jesus”, I said aloud as we walked into the store. We filled the cart about halfway. We found a throw that wasn’t harvest but was blue and white like the school colors, perfect for a track meet blanket in the spring.

We stopped by the library on the way home. I think I found the book I’ve been getting the texts about and my son took it in and switched it out for a new one. In the blur of the morning and my own daily thinking, one of them had said something about stopping by the U-Pick pumpkin patch for school. There’s a sign on the side of the road with an arrow. They’d asked me enough times until it was added to the day’s agenda.

It was the last thing we did before coming home to clean and put away food. How much they’ve grown up, yet in ways barely seeable as you walk day by day. We decorated the tree and put the blue and white blanket and our three picked pumpkins underneath it. Everyone liked the surprise. We had Grandma over and another friend from the camp. Yet at the end of the day, the best moments for me were in the journey of getting there.

My cleaning spree is still going. I had a moment of overwhelm with the clutter at hand and took my pictures and sent them to two of my sisters. “It’s like, after everything I’ve done to try and implement systems, be disciplined and inspired, make my home a sanctuary, etc” plus all the cry and defeated emojis. John Piper has this thing against self-pity where he brings this up more than any other sin as having some sort of gross and disgusting quality about it.

I can tell when women read him because they identify this same characteristic in themselves and make a deal out of it, almost like they’re trying to find something wrong. It’s the whole I’m going to try to be humble by continuously trying to find and confess something wrong with me thing. I’ve never thought about this, but is self-pity even in the Bible? Where is that in Paul’s lists?

Dad left for Nebraska to pick up Ethan from school. He has a teammate who lives in St. Louis but we haven’t quite gotten him brave enough to ask for a ride. Laura is scheduled to transfer next year and she at least will have a car. Earlier this week Josh went to the store and bought a cot that he can use on these trips to sleep in the dorm room. We tested it out in the mudroom and it’s actually not bad. It’s definitely more comfortable than sleeping on the floor.

The boys and I still have work to do. In the laundry room I finally noticed the Christmas tree tipped over and completely smashed and disheveled on the floor. I almost threw it out but then asked one of the boys if he could take it into the school room see if it still worked and if he could do something with it. I was thinking we could get a jump start and have it set up when Dad and Ethan got home.

He said he thought it was too early so we compromised. We’ll find orange lights to put on it and make a glowing fall tree with a harvest colored skirt instead of a Christmas one. But it’s a secret and we couldn’t tell them. The big kids will get home from practice and be surprised too. Some kind of crock pot meal will be ready for supper. How lovely it is that even after so long one can still be blessed with new thoughts and ideas and whatever cup we have fills up again.

Dad texted to let me know they were in the parking lot. The plan was to pick me up at work and then head over. While out in Nebraska I picked up a day shift on Spring. Because I have to say no so much, I try to say yes on the rare occasion these days when I actually can. But it was under the condition that I’d be able to leave a tad bit early at 2:45. She said that’d be fine and came down at 2:30 to get report and finish things.

I’ve been a little shocked by these grown-up skills I’ve been learning. Knowing when to say no, having boundaries, being able to negotiate with another person regarding your needs. It feels like a totally different way of life. Any time it “works” I am always like, “huh??” But there is the other aspect too where it’s not all about you and whatever needs that you have. The point of working with others is that both might benefit.

The kids had a meet in Bement. There was something charming about the podunk town that almost seemed too far of a trip to keep on the meet schedule. Their skies opened with a magic rain beforehand that got you wet but didn’t soak you. Their bathrooms were the kind where they gave you a key to a rusty old door in the back. I didn’t know they still had those, just like I didn’t know the surprise joy of these days.

The kids had the day off school for Columbus Day. Elianna is on her way home from Nebraska and the boys spent the day working out in the woods. One of the former directors had made wooden platform for his kids. At some point since then it was destroyed by a tree. They disassembled everything and made a pile of wood in the yard. I’d periodically go out to check and see how things were going.

I spent the day inside. The weather has turned to the chilly kind that sparks holiday inspiration. My special Christmas cleaning mood music was on while I spent much of the day sweeping and putting out fall decorations in the front of the house, cleaning the bathroom and Elianna’s room, and jumping back in to the laundry cycles. Elianna cleans her own room but I swept and vacuumed and changed the sheets.

Dad told the boys they had to come in at 3. “I wish I could get them to channel that energy toward the things I would actually like for them to do”, he said around lunchtime. I said, “Oh I know.” He said I should make the boys fold the remaining baskets downstairs. I’m torn. I like folding it myself and having the neater end product, but it does take time. I left a basket half-folded for whoever gets to it first.