Everyone’s been dragging a little more than usual, including one of the boys who this evening spiked another fever. I came home from group and was immediately caught up with the boy on the couch knowing there was only one reason he’d be there. He’s had his medicine since Monday for what turned out to be a a double ear infection, sinus infection, and strep throat. The others were improving but now there’s a cough.

I keep trying to write about this man at the Thrive center but anything I’ve said lately I end up deleting. I was the Tuesday night and then there the next morning so whenever that happens it’s more fresh in my mind. I’ve been showing up late for group which I’m going to try to adjust. For a while I started to dread going not knowing if anyone was going to be there and because a couple of times it was just me and the supervisor.

Thankfully people have been there these past several times and I really do enjoy the educational videos, discussion, and then “process group” afterward where the deeper therapy happens. Afterward we went back up to his office and the first thing he asked me was, “So what did you want to say in group today but didn’t?” So I told him the two major things. It’s really driving me nuts because he’s not getting anything out of me.

They talked about impulses today in the video. It helped to put a word to it. Having “free won’t” and having the ability to tell yourself no. It was all being talked about in the context of brain development and neurochemistry and then later “where you’re putting your energy (do you feed the impulse, the thought, the addiction)” Will power is not enough but it’s also true in the process that will power is a part of making new choices.

How do you want to show up for yourself? Well the word dignity comes to mind. And it’s not like a falling into love, that won’t happen. It’s more like a falling in like, where this one time I wanted to say, “I just like you for some reason”, or even lately, “Don’t you think this is weird?” But that would only automatically make it so. Or maybe it wouldn’t, who knows. My point in saying even this is that I basically have zero desire to find out.