I was thinking the other day and then again more recently that if I ever was diagnosed with some rare and aggressive cancer that I probably wouldn’t pray and plead with God to spare my life. I have prayed that before and been answered in the past with yeses. But anymore I think I’d ask for a different kind of miracle. I would ask for the grace to die well.

It’s not that I’ve lost the will to live, per se. It’s just that when you’re begging to be healed in a fallen world you’re asking to be remain in a world with pain and strife. You’re asking to live in a place hostile to human life no matter how much God still upholds the universe he once created for our thriving. I’m not saying cancer is a certain death sentence, but I would not have the strength or the will to go through treatments. It’d be more like, “You know, Lord, it’s fine. Just take me home.”

Are there wonderful things here? Sure. Are there works for us to do by which we participate in the further spread of God’s Kingdom until Jesus returns to gather us up from our callings and graves? Absolutely for sure. For other people I would pray this, for the extension of life and total healing. But anymore, in this moment, it at least feels like I would say it.