I finally broached the subject that’s been making me uncomfortable with regard to my supervisor. I actually cried in his office because I didn’t want to leave this time without getting it out, trying to articulate the answer to his question, “What’s coming up for you?” Well basically today was the first day since I’ve been there that I’ve actually said anything while observing in group.

But the whole point of me doing this is that I’m supposed to be practicing and getting experience. The words did not come out, it was just this sharp pain, almost unlike any I’ve experienced in a while. “Basically I don’t want to be a disappointment.” There is no reason for me to feel this way. There are no memories or conscious traumas I can point to that explain what is happening.

I heard Brene Brown saying in an Instagram reel once that narcissism is the shame-based fear of being ordinary. I’ve never seen that reel again but hearing it made me go, “Whoa…” I don’t need people’s pity and there is nothing I’m trying to spin here to make bad things seem any less bad than they are. I just can’t bear to have to start or do something and not be great at it.

I’m not even looking for compliments from this person. I just need him to know how I feel because he is the person I have to deal with. I’m able to get out a few more words about the road from potential to actual, that I know I can do this it’s just breaking through the discomfort. It’s not talking or doing the groups in front of people, it’s doing the groups and talking in front of him.

“I just feel self-conscious”, was how I summarized all of that. I don’t like it but that’s the way that it is and I do feel better now after bringing it up. I looked up a Reddit thread later about being self-conscious and there was a helpful distinction someone made. There’s no way to avoid the heightened consciousness, but it’s where it is focused, on being interestING or interestED.