I woke up at 8:16 and immediately thought of the big kids at school. I’d missed them getting ready and leaving. I used to always wake up with the early alarm but somedays now I can sleep right through it, waking up to a pillow tucked in behind my back. It was raining outside with the gutters now dripping like they need to be cleaned. I found the boys in the living room and then Dad in the office. He’d put the towels downstairs.

“Did Elianna say anything about her appointment?”, I asked. She did, and I was supposed to text her the address to the place. We had a meeting at the downtown building to learn more about the vet assistant program. It was a very helpful meeting. The vet assistant is like an aide and the vet technician is like a nurse. She wants to work as an assistant while working on the online tech program that takes around two years.

The whole school discussion had me suddenly itching to enroll in more school. Concordia Seward has an online Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist program which looks like I’ve taken at least a third of the classes. I tried calling them and the counselor for that program was out to lunch. She took my information.

But I never heard back today. It was just that terrible itching feeling where I just wanted to be done with school and where I seriously wondered why I was dragging it out. Like maybe the best thing wasn’t actually to do it like this but to just get as much done as I could as quickly as possible. Why did I think this was what my family needed? It felt today like what I actually needed is to be done so we can all move on with our lives.

Sigh. It’ll all work out. Being gone this morning meant I wasn’t there with the boys. Sometimes at night you get these feeling of mom guilt, like you didn’t mother as well as you could have and are sad about it. I scratched the homeschool group for tomorrow so we can have the morning to finish our leaf project. Why doesn’t their school always seem like enough? It’s the only one I ever look back on and wish I’d done more of.

Where are you now, Where are you now
Do you ever think of me
in the quiet, in the crowd
~Mumford & Sons~

Elianna had her NHS induction this afternoon. Last year she didn’t want to apply but this year I told her she need to. I get that it’s just kind of stupid sometimes the way these clubs and organizations evaporate with the high school years and don’t really mean anything. Miles even says it made no difference with his college. But there is a principle to things as well. When someone embodies the qualities that the organization stands for, I feel like you should apply and be recognized for those qualities.

After that she left with Miles. One of his friends from church had opened a food truck as a personal business. So they were going to visit that. Soccer is over so he is home for the weekend. He’s learning Spanish from one of his teammates and the boys were giving him a hard time about his most recent haircut. It was done by one of his teammates who hasn’t given very many haircuts before this. Once this teammate’s arm is out of a cast from a soccer injury, Miles is going to ask if he can try to fix it.

The rest of us hung out at home this later afternoon and evening. We had a nice day and I love our Sundays at home. Dad got a text from a former member in Hoyleton saying it’d been 11 years to the day when the tornado came through and caused so much damage to their house and property. He was remembering and thanking him for being there to help clean up. I looked at him, puzzled. As he told me the story I heard new things and vaguely remembered old ones, I guess glad he had been there.

Today I worked a half shift on the wing where I do weekends. Things have changed there even in the short time since I’ve started. Several people have passed away and in their place have been admitted residents who are more total care. I remember when I started there being intimidated with all the lifts, walking by them and thinking, “I’m not sure this is for me.” It’s a job. I’m glad to have it but jobs like all things are fleeting.

While I was there, Dad and the kids were at Grandma’s house filling up another dumpster. There was still a bunch of stuff in two of the sheds that they pretty much emptied. After that they went out to eat and the question about Elianna moving in with Grandma was brought up. It’s been nonchalantly thrown out there as almost like a joke. After graduation she can go to Lincoln Land and move in with her dog.

She said she’d be glad to have the companionship and she wouldn’t have to pay rent. There’d be grass to mow or other ways to help out. This has me wondering about the growing empty rooms, that still have every set up like somebody lives there. The boys might like to have a room that doesn’t leak or have mold growing up the drywall, but there’s no reason now to get ahead of ourselves. It’s been partly cut out.

I made the one who’s been having sinus troubles sleep in the school room, just to see if it’d make a difference. Now they’ve all been sleeping in there so their room is currently empty too. It makes me laugh. His sinuses seem to be slowly clearing up but now another one has his own cough. I still have pediatric incentive spirometers stored in the linen closet that I ordered during Covid. I almost made a post about it back then.

They use them in hospitals to give to people with coughs. You breathe in on this tube and it’s supposed to help your lungs stay clear. “C & DB” means “cough and deep breathe”. That’s what you’re supposed to encourage patients to do when they’re in bed with pneumonia. In the night I will say to them sometimes, “Use your incentive spirometer”, and they do.

I finally broached the subject that’s been making me uncomfortable with regard to my supervisor. I actually cried in his office because I didn’t want to leave this time without getting it out, trying to articulate the answer to his question, “What’s coming up for you?” Well basically today was the first day since I’ve been there that I’ve actually said anything while observing in group.

But the whole point of me doing this is that I’m supposed to be practicing and getting experience. The words did not come out, it was just this sharp pain, almost unlike any I’ve experienced in a while. “Basically I don’t want to be a disappointment.” There is no reason for me to feel this way. There are no memories or conscious traumas I can point to that explain what is happening.

I heard Brene Brown saying in an Instagram reel once that narcissism is the shame-based fear of being ordinary. I’ve never seen that reel again but hearing it made me go, “Whoa…” I don’t need people’s pity and there is nothing I’m trying to spin here to make bad things seem any less bad than they are. I just can’t bear to have to start or do something and not be great at it.

I’m not even looking for compliments from this person. I just need him to know how I feel because he is the person I have to deal with. I’m able to get out a few more words about the road from potential to actual, that I know I can do this it’s just breaking through the discomfort. It’s not talking or doing the groups in front of people, it’s doing the groups and talking in front of him.

“I just feel self-conscious”, was how I summarized all of that. I don’t like it but that’s the way that it is and I do feel better now after bringing it up. I looked up a Reddit thread later about being self-conscious and there was a helpful distinction someone made. There’s no way to avoid the heightened consciousness, but it’s where it is focused, on being interestING or interestED.

The boys and I went on a leaf hunt today. Really it’s past the prime time to do that, but one of them asked if we could do a leaf hunt instead of school. I can’t remember how many times we’ve done this, it wasn’t that many, but it’s something they remember as something we did. The exciting thing was way back when, when I let them go on the trails without me.

They divided into groups with big kids in change of little kids to gather as many different kinds of leaves that they could. Once we were home we spread out the leaves sheet that took up the space of standard wall poster. In retrospect I’ve become more and more aware how it’s not always so much about the knowledge. It’s the experience.

I told them we all had to work until noon. That gave us two and a half hours for me to wrap up the last of my presentation worksheets, and for them to do their usual schoolwork. We finished right about on time. It was cold outside and I said for one to put pants on. They have their reasons. There are plenty of oaks here but I also knew where the other ones are.

I was thinking the other day and then again more recently that if I ever was diagnosed with some rare and aggressive cancer that I probably wouldn’t pray and plead with God to spare my life. I have prayed that before and been answered in the past with yeses. But anymore I think I’d ask for a different kind of miracle. I would ask for the grace to die well.

It’s not that I’ve lost the will to live, per se. It’s just that when you’re begging to be healed in a fallen world you’re asking to be remain in a world with pain and strife. You’re asking to live in a place hostile to human life no matter how much God still upholds the universe he once created for our thriving. I’m not saying cancer is a certain death sentence, but I would not have the strength or the will to go through treatments. It’d be more like, “You know, Lord, it’s fine. Just take me home.”

Are there wonderful things here? Sure. Are there works for us to do by which we participate in the further spread of God’s Kingdom until Jesus returns to gather us up from our callings and graves? Absolutely for sure. For other people I would pray this, for the extension of life and total healing. But anymore, in this moment, it at least feels like I would say it.

The hours are adding up but not fast enough for my liking. I’ll get used to it and already have. Where I thought I was going to have to end up making a schedule of the groups so that everyone could keep track and know what day they were going, I’ve instead just kind of remembered who was on what day and then repeated it so it makes more sense. The extra night a week makes a difference with fitting everyone in for time.

If all continues, I should reach my goal by the end of the semester, plus I registered today for the intersession class. This is for anyone who wants to keep accumulating hours over the five weeks of winter break. You can’t get hours unless you’re regularly meeting with a faculty supervisor. There was one who agreed to be that person for the 5-7 of us taking it. I still like the slower pace and the opportunities this site provides.

The environment itself can be very hectic. It is not uncommon in my videos to have background noise of moms yelling and kids fighting and screaming in the background. To be honest I don’t think everyone would enjoy this kind of close quarters communal arrangement but I am grateful I do. Sometimes they have donations for supper and other times the moms have to cook. Tonight they had baked beans and hot dogs.

Elianna and I visited UIS for a college day. I found myself almost instantly wondering, “What are we doing here?” Kids these days still have pressure to go to college, and even in my own head I have this idea that college is what you’re supposed to do, or at least is a good option if that’s what you want. But nothing about this seems to excite her. I feel like if you’re going to go to college somewhere and commit to four more years of school then you should have at least some inner drive or reason for doing so.

We ended up leaving early. They had an opening welcome sessions and after that they divided us into students and parents. The students had a panel session and the parents had their own. While she was doing that I visited the admissions office seeing if there was any way they’d lift the hold I currently have on my registration process. Apparently they never received a final transcript from LCU after they closed. I’m just irate with these hoops that never seem to go away or end.

And then I walked the half mile or whatever it was to the health office. My vaccination records were finally listed as “satisfied” but I wanted to make sure the lift from that office was gone. I was having all these nightmares of having to send in another self-addressed stamped envelop to the IDPE, except this time with one that was addressed to the college. But thankfully all I needed to do for that one was look up Ozark Christian College in Missouri and have a transcript electronically sent from there.

“I’m not gonna lie, I kinda hated it there”, she said on our way to community college that’s more or less across the street. I mean, I think it’s fine and I personally like going there but if you don’t like a place then you just don’t like it. If you can get a four-year degree for free, and you have no other responsibilities holding you back or taking up amounts of time, then I kind of feel like it’s not a bad idea to get one. Plus she’s so smart. I drove us over to a close enough parking lot.

“Elianna, you’ve got to talk to these people in person”. It’s the only way to get anything done or accomplished. I was going to show her how it was done and we followed the signs to something that sounded like Admissions. There was a sign on the counter saying the receptionist person was away from the desk. But also thankfully a paper highlighting their medical programs including a 6-month veterinary assistant option. We left inspired, with direction and answers and one more day in the books.

Since this whole thing happened a couple of years ago I think there’ll always be a part of me that wants to be in bed. I think of these women who have worked for years, night shifts and two jobs and did all of this willingly, and I honestly couldn’t imagine having lived such a life. Some women like working. They find purpose and identity, enjoy staying busy, and like the extra income they earn. Some had to work for money.

I count downplay all the things that I’ve done, but I also can’t ignore the immense richness that has been my life. These kids–they have no idea the delight they brought me. As much as I’ve lamented the long hours my husband works, as lonely as it’s made me and been the way of so many unshared experiences, his work was my security.

I don’t think I’ll ever be like them, these people who like to stay busy, at least in those ways. There was shame in not being a Martha, but there was too much pride in being a Mary. In the car I thought to myself, I’m not the one asking Jesus to tell my sister to help me. I’m the one telling the Marthas to put the pots and pans down and get the heck over here. That’s part of my problem. You’re not supposed to boss, but rather invite.

“I slipped back, as we all do, into the needs and structures of my own life.”
~Sharon Blackie, If Women Rose Rooted: A Life-Changing Journey to Authenticity and Belonging~

The kids and I spent time cleaning up in the morning. It really makes me wonder what people without kids do, at least in terms of cleaning their house. It has to stay cleaner. Elianna said it’s mostly the boys who make the mess, but I don’t know. I tried to say it wasn’t me but that didn’t go over well. The piles by the couch and next to my bed, what else can you blame on me? It’s the little things that add up, it always is.

She came and sat in our room. I’ve told her before that I don’t know what it is, if there’s someone else to just sit there then I can finish the job. She must’ve felt bad for making me feel bad because I didn’t ask her in there she just came in there anyway. We made plans for supper tonight because I didn’t want to go out to eat. Graham isn’t going to the concert so they had an extra ticket which we gave to Josh’s mom.

The Hannibal-LaGrange choir is accompanying Andrew Peterson for some of his songs. Miles sings bass. His mom required him to stay with music all through high school and into college. So that was an extra reason to go and she and I went to County Market once Dad was home from his board meeting. His parents were going early and they said she could ride along with them if she wanted to come then which she did.

The Concordia team had their conference meet. We finished watching the results before she got out of the car. Vaughn and Trey got first and second (🥰). I didn’t stay to say hi, but instead drove home to where lunch was ready on the table. I brought in the groceries and set them down on the mudroom floor to put away. I don’t remember what we talked about then but later the boys had to clean out the van.