My mother-in-law took us out to eat at Cracker Barrel. We usually get to pick the places and this one I suggested so we could look around the store. I told the kids this year we’re going to have a small Christmas, they used to be so easy to buy for. They say I say that every year but you really do get to a point where you max out space in the house. If I’m alive when we move out of here I’ve already decided I’m downsizing by 90%.

I long sometimes to be somewhere, much of the times it’s not heaven. The girl who had emergency surgery is home from the hospital and had played her guitar in good spirits. She dated Graham, Miles’ brother, over the past spring until they broke up in the summer. She asked Graham to come over and he did. It’s like when you wake an experienced husband at 2AM, saying in your most true and non-threatening voice, “Can you come and be with me while I’m dealing with this?”

We left the boys home this morning. She suggested this place that in her opinion has the best coffee in town. The breakfast blend tea was more expensive than the coffee. I never cared about any of that, the diamonds, the ring I haven’t been wearing because it’s too small on my finger. He found a mood ring in the CGC that is shaped like a turtle. I like wearing it. The shine is wearing off now but the color still changes.

The teacher was sick so we had class over Zoom tonight. My basic videos are done so all I had to do was listen and give my feedback. We take turns wearing different colored “hats” and the color of the hat determines the feedback we are giving. Mine was the black hat which is the hat for constructive criticism. The black hat is harder because as counselors we tend to be more positive and affirming people.

But I still liked it. Next week is the bigger grid presentation which I signed up for then so I could go and get it over with. Today was a pretty laid-back day. The boys did school and I don’t remember what I did. It’s been a long week with the sickness and school hours and losing more sleep. Last night my son and I ended up in the living room with him on the couch and me on a mattress still there from election night.

We did do Algebra together. Sometimes they ask for math help when I’m about to do something else so I tell them I can help after I finish the other thing. I tell them all the time that math is never as hard as it looks because there’s always a trick that makes the hard problem much easier. They write the problem to make it look scary but when you break it down you see that it was actually easier than it looked.

Everyone’s been dragging a little more than usual, including one of the boys who this evening spiked another fever. I came home from group and was immediately caught up with the boy on the couch knowing there was only one reason he’d be there. He’s had his medicine since Monday for what turned out to be a a double ear infection, sinus infection, and strep throat. The others were improving but now there’s a cough.

I keep trying to write about this man at the Thrive center but anything I’ve said lately I end up deleting. I was the Tuesday night and then there the next morning so whenever that happens it’s more fresh in my mind. I’ve been showing up late for group which I’m going to try to adjust. For a while I started to dread going not knowing if anyone was going to be there and because a couple of times it was just me and the supervisor.

Thankfully people have been there these past several times and I really do enjoy the educational videos, discussion, and then “process group” afterward where the deeper therapy happens. Afterward we went back up to his office and the first thing he asked me was, “So what did you want to say in group today but didn’t?” So I told him the two major things. It’s really driving me nuts because he’s not getting anything out of me.

They talked about impulses today in the video. It helped to put a word to it. Having “free won’t” and having the ability to tell yourself no. It was all being talked about in the context of brain development and neurochemistry and then later “where you’re putting your energy (do you feed the impulse, the thought, the addiction)” Will power is not enough but it’s also true in the process that will power is a part of making new choices.

How do you want to show up for yourself? Well the word dignity comes to mind. And it’s not like a falling into love, that won’t happen. It’s more like a falling in like, where this one time I wanted to say, “I just like you for some reason”, or even lately, “Don’t you think this is weird?” But that would only automatically make it so. Or maybe it wouldn’t, who knows. My point in saying even this is that I basically have zero desire to find out.

Besides the fact that people in the olden days didn’t even have access to these kind of lavish home libraries. Most people didn’t have books at all. So I don’t know where I get this idea from that I’m supposed to be reading on a regular basis and if I’m not then I’m living a sub-par life. Understanding this does not take away my desire to read but it at least helps me relax a little in knowing that reading a book a week is not a necessity.

The kids have the day off school for election day. I decided early on that they were going to spend the morning cleaning. I get having a lived in house and adjusting your expectations to not require perfection but I can’t get over believing that it’s not unrealistic to have a decently tidy home where kids are participating in the cleaning up process. They are all very capable and I appreciate their help and when things are mostly picked up.

I can’t remember where I read or even heard this somewhere, but it was something about adjusting your expectations when it comes to reading. Instead of being paralyzed or discouraged by your larger than life to-read list, consider adopting the idea that not everything on your to-read list needs to be read fully. For example, you can pick up a magazine in a doctor’s office and read an article and still have come away making a significant contribution toward the health and exercise of your mental faculties.

It’s kind of a pet peeve of mine lately to see people on social media talking about the book stacks. It’s really more of an outdated pet peeve as I cannot think of any specific examples at the moment but I remember feeling this way. Like there’s no way somebody is actually reading all those. And if they are then there’s no way they could be fully taking them in. Somewhere there’s probably somebody who actually is doing all that but I don’t think that’s the norm.

So this person was talking about getting used to having your book stacks, but not expecting to read every book from start to finish. So then you think, “Okay, but isn’t that just a sign of the way our brains and attention spans have been hijacked since the invention of the internet?” But so what if it is? I get so frustrated at times with not being able to finish books. I lose interest or the mood changes or I just don’t feel the desire to read. But even when all the right things are in place my brain just feels too tired to read.

I chalk it up to not having discipline but is discipline really the issue here? It’s all about those seasons again. Whatever season this is, it’s not a reading deeply season. Just the thought makes exhausted. But can I, like whoever this person is was saying, read parts of the magazine or parts of the book? Absolutely I can. And when I look at my bookshelves and see most of these books, I could get discouraged thinking there’s no way I’ll ever be able to read all of these.

But perhaps the greater truth is that I have already read parts of pretty much all of them (speaking of the books that I haven’t read fully). What is so wrong with that? Why is that to me a failure? To me, as I am thinking of it now, reading part of a book is still better than reading nothing at all. Your brain is still getting nutrients and your mind getting exercise. So I guess my overall point in all this is that there’s something to be said about adjusting your expectations so you’re not as often so frustrated with yourself.

(I’m not completely convinced, but I’ll let it try to sink in.)

One of the boys has come down with a fever. He’s been sick on and off for over a month, beginning with a fever which went away but then became this lingering sinus congestion that I thought maybe was allergies. Kids experience illness enough times in their childhoods that you become less concerned with the colds and the sniffles.

But the fevers do still get my attention. The other stuff does too, but I think too you reach an almost subconscious point where you’re not going to add anything else to life’s load unless that thing turns out to be a necessity, like going in to a doctor. Because medications can be such an avenue for relief you will not hear me demonize them.

That’s not the same thing as thinking there aren’t issues with drug companies. I used to be completely fascinated with drugs. I wanted to know how each one worked, it’s chemical makeup, and all of the potential side effects and interactions. In school they paint it like you should actually know significant details about the drugs you are giving.

I don’t know, what else. It was a pretty decent Sunday as far as Sundays go. Josh did not have to preach anywhere so that was nice. Not too long ago he told me he’d messed up and accidently over-scheduled himself for almost every Sunday from right before Thanksgiving until the end of Christmas. I cried but then realized I had to have grace.

This morning he said he was going back to a monthly layout in his planner where he can see the whole month instead of just being able to see a week at a time. We went to church and took two cars because they hold their confirmation class after Bible on Sundays. He tried to get out of it and asked about teaching it at home but was told no.

I mean it wasn’t rude or anything it was just one of those things where the pastor preferred to have our son go through the class. So he and Dad did that and I took the other kids home after stopping by the store for lunch food and a few other meals. Everyone was more tired today and we noticed the difference in daylight by evening.

The bigger kids and I drove to Elmwood this morning for the sectional meet. We’ve been there a couple of times in the past and it’s always nice to be familiar with the course. The night before while we were out for a rehearsal dinner, we stopped by Party City and purchased a dozen filled helium* balloons in school colors. I thought it was so funny and every time I saw the bunch of balloons I had to laugh. We brought them with us.

The rehearsal was fine but I didn’t want to go to the wedding. I feel bad that I have grown somewhat indifferent about these things. Dad was doing the service and the younger boys were dressed up in matching outfits as “ring security”. I should’ve gone, and was in the process of convincing myself to get dressed when something happened between me and one of the kids. If I’m already on the fence about not wanting to do something and then something like that happens, I get knocked off the fence.

And for whatever reason, I could not overcome myself enough for me to go. So the rest of the kids left and I fell asleep. After that I eventually got up and cleaned up the kitchen and then the living room while listening to Joe Rogan’s interview with J.D. Vance then for a while read An Ocean Vast of Blessing by Steven Cone while still listening. They came back later and said they’d had a good time. It was still a decent day even so.

(From dictionary.com and sciencenotes.org: helium is a colorless, odorless, nonflammable gas that is the second most abundant element in the universe. The most abundant element is hydrogen)

Josh came into the room and asked what I thought about getting Elianna a dog. He told me to disagree and tell him it was a terrible idea. The answer to the dog question has always been a firm no, like an absolutely not, but he has never been the one who asked.

I was like, “Well, why?” He said because she’s wanted one for so long. I’ve watched my siblings get dogs and they’re not exactly low-maintenance animals, plus I know nothing about dogs. While at Hannibal I told her to pay attention to what makes her excited.

She said she gets excited when she sees a dog. And when she gets to help with the cats. Shadow was the first one we ever took care of, flushing the bite with warm water and diluted drops of lavender because that was supposedly an oil used to cleanse the skin.

But what’s going to happen in winter when it’s snowy and cold and I’m feeling sorry for it? There’s no way we can have a dog that big in the house, I cannot let anymore animals in. The deal is supposedly the dog would live outside and could use the garage.

So I don’t know what’s going on right now. He strangely asked about getting a dog and I strangely acted like I was basically fine with it.