Here we are at the end of another year. The older lady who to used babysit us kids would say “How bout that” in times like this. It wasn’t quite wonder but it was showing acknowledgment that something notable had happened. I called my Grandma this evening and she brought this woman up as one of the people she imagines finally seeing again in heaven. She had some interesting thoughts I’d not heard her say before.

Usually she talks about seeing Jesus when we get there, but tonight she was like, “I don’t know. I don’t know how Jesus can meet everybody” and then proceeded to go on about there being so many people in the world who die and go to Jesus. How does he meet them all? I told her that even if he was busy at first he would probably eventually get around to catching up with us and meeting us. But maybe loved ones we’d see first.

Mary Jane (the lady) and Morgan, her parents, her brother, and of course Ken and Susan. In the times that I have hoped not to die, one of the reasons was because I’d not want to go before my grandma. I just think that would be too much for her. Yes she could handle it and her faith in God would get her through. There would be the peace of God that passes all understanding. We spoke of more of the saints and years ago tragedies.

Not just me but any of us kids. My siblings are partying again up north at one of my sister’s houses. Me and another brother aren’t there for the festivities. I am pretty much partied out and have used up my holiday energies. I have basically been in bed the past two days minus some minor time spent cleaning. I offered Elianna $20 to help me clean and organize my room. We went through clothes and she sorted my drawers.

I spent some time in prayer this morning as I am drawn back to it when not feeling as well. The past couple of new years have included some kind of mention to “build back strength and stamina”. Each year I think that this will be the year it happens. At some point in all this I decided that strength was going to have be something I received and not worked for. There was a posture of acceptance in the giving up of timetables.

If it was God’s will for me to have strength and stamina then I would just have to wait until it was poured back into me. There was peace in that acceptance but today I had doubt again, like that checking yourself and praying and wondering if there isn’t more I ought to be searching out or doing. More answers. Some kind of naturopath. Forcing myself when the energy isn’t there. I was simply too tired to go to Grandma’s tonight.

I have to trust they’ll understand and won’t hold it against me when they don’t. I wish I understood it more, had better words to offer explanations. As my grandma said tonight, everybody gets tired. Josh, the kids, and I started catching up on The Chosen. We watched through Season three and then were busy through Season 4 when it came out. We finished the first season episode where John the Baptist’s head gets cut off.

This year a desire of mine is to get over myself. When we were sitting in the kitchen at one of these recent Christmas parties there was the usual talk that can happen with women where we swap our birth stories and compare our pregnancy experiences. I have this part of me that wants to be seen as the expert, the wise one, the one who people go to for advice and inspiration. It’s not all bad but it can lean toward excessive.

Honestly I just want to encourage people in their lives. To be the kind older sister who offers a listening ear in times of discouragement. I don’t have to the answers, I don’t have to have the life experiences that stop the hearers in their tracks and give me outs for better stories. You can feel sometimes like people have to know your stories for credibility. Or that “you have no idea what I’ve been through” energy scratches.

None of that is necessary for the outcomes I am wanting. Do I want to be fun and happy, yes, but ultimately I want to be kind and present. Those are things that benefit people most. We got a Christmas card from my college roommate who’d gone through a year of several surgeries. Neither one of us had any idea and I think, “For God’s sake, the least I can do is send a card” and let her know I am thinking about her and praying.

That’s the kind of getting over myself that I mean. To stop and see, if only for a moment, another person in what they’re going through. It doesn’t have to be grand, it doesn’t have to be constant. God takes care of those necessities and thankfully leaves the little things to little us. So for the new year that is my prayer and my hope, to be faithful in the little things as they occur, as I am able, and continue trusting in the care of the Lord.

Ode to a Man’s Love

I believe in you, you’re different
Too long I’ve tried to make you mine
The books they wrote on inspiration
Would’ve been better to study you
On the sixth day of Christmas
My true love gave to me initiation
And on the fifth day a written letter
And on the fourth day I will keep it
You melt these knots in my heart
As you say, as yours too dissolve

The weirdest thing happened to me this morning. John Blase started following me on Instagram. All I did was read the Substack post he’d posted in his stories and said “Great post!”. That’s all I did. This isn’t any different from anything else I’ve ever said to him every so often for the past nine or ten years. Did he follow me when I DM’d him back in Hoyleton about a poem he’d written or a couple of years ago when I asked him about a post I remembered reading but couldn’t find and then he sent it?

No. Did he follow me when I was actually writing things I would’ve wanted him to read like when I’d written several posts that were inspired by something he wrote? Nothing. So I don’t know what it was about this time that made him click the follow button. I’m sure one day he’ll be tired of the hidden burdens that come with fame like never truly feeling known even though all these people think they know you. And he’ll remove my name from his list because we don’t actually know each other. I’m over it now.

It did make me laugh though. Sometimes I read his stuff and think he needs to be happier. I get the melancholy and the fear of happiness because it is often so fleeting. It feels safer to stay in the sad so that when the next round comes it’s not such a shock to the system, or that’s what we can tell ourselves. It would still be a shock but maybe not so far to fall if we were already camped out in the land of the sad. I think we’re robbed of happiness and joy when we do this. Happiness is real, true, and joy is too.

The days are blurring together as they’re known to do this time of year. My body is sore all over after sitting for several hours today in a Cracker Barrel chair. I met my friend Jenna in Lincoln which is basically halfway between here and East Peoria. It’s become a tradition to get together when she’s visiting her parents. She has seven kids now including two set of twins. One set is already something but two is just wild. Our houses are still messes and I’m wondering if I’ll ever be able to report something different.

I process so much that never quite makes it out here. Solidifying thoughts is very difficult, especially deeper ones. Sometimes I wonder if I just closed my eyes and tried to type what I see instead of what I hear if that might make a difference. I come to the end of a post and think, “Surely there was more than that?” More to say, more to express, more to attempt to articulate for clarity’s sake or some semblance of helpfulness. More for another day when closing my eyes was not so wondrous.

“He lived there two whole years at his own expense and welcomed all who came to him, proclaiming the kingdom of God and teaching about the Lord Jesus Christ with all boldness and without hinderance.”
~Acts 28:31~

One of the camp couples got engaged this afternoon. The counselors and camp staff arrived today for their camp reunion so I guess they wanted to get it out of the way before then. No one close to me was aware this was happening. We’d seen Graham, Miles’ brother, here this morning with his camera tripod walking toward camp. We wondered what he was doing but no one thought anything else about it.

So he was able to get some pictures. Graham really wants a German Shepherd so he likes when he gets to see and play with Elianna’s. She and I were out taking Zorro for a walk when more of the camp people started arriving. A silver minivan pulled up and it was Miles and Laura. I like to be dramatic around my daughter sometimes and so I put my hand to my heart and said in a lovey voice something about “my kids”.

Miles didn’t have a car so Laura picked him up on her way. They both really are these wonderful people and it seems so surreal to think about them being a part of our family. They already feel like that in a way. Laura’s family is leaving Monday for a trip to visit family in Texas. Ethan is going with and so is Laura’s sister’s boyfriend, Andy. She showed me the seat where they will have to sit squished for the drive down.

They had to put on of the back seats down leaving only the middle seat and a side seat in the back. I was cracking up imagining the two of them sitting back there. First actually I was a little less amused by it when Laura’s mom was first telling me. I don’t know why I feel this small resistance at times to things that for me would’ve just been funny, normal, and fun. Of course they will be fine squished together back there.

So they’ll be gone for a week. We’ve still been somewhat busy with Christmas gathering things. Yesterday late afternoon and evening we went over to Laura’s house to play games with another family and hers. They had a kennel in their garage where we could put Zorro. Laura has two dogs, Angel and Mischief. Their dogs will stay at home and while they’re gone they have a neighbor who stops by and checks on them.

This afternoon we went to a get-together at the home of the homeschool family from our church. There were two other families from the homeschool group there. That was fun too and the kids put on a play at the end that was very impressive and I told them it was. I was glad we were there to substantially add to the audience because if it hadn’t have been for my husband we likely wouldn’t have gone. I would’ve passed.

They’d been out here this week to bury a miscarried baby. Josh did the service and so had spent some extra time with them. My son was just in here sitting on the yoga ball in our bedroom. He was telling me about this or that frustration when I remembered that Ethan used to come in here and sit on this ball. He’d come in after baseball games and wouldn’t have nearly as much to say but I was always happy when he came in.

Whether he knew that or not who knows. So I did try to communicate this time despite my tears that he was welcome to come and sit on my yoga ball at any time. I have felt surprisingly good considering the holiday activity and had a few times of feeling surprisingly seen in regard to my health. One person asked how I’d been feeling and another person said, “Is that because you never fully recovered from your thing?”

I don’t know, those unexpected validations just help you to feel more understood sometimes. I did finish Acts sometime last week or the week before. I enjoyed reading the book and have already moved on to Romans. Whether it’s movies, or the Bible, or people who say different things here or there, I’m glad God uses these things to straighten us out at times. That’s what it felt like this time, like being straightened.

I don’t know what we’re doing tonight. The boys wanted to spy on the counselors but I don’t think I’m going to let them do that. Plus I already told Elianna she’s the spy. I’m kind of liking the movie routine and not having much to cook or do in the evenings. Sooner or later we’ll clean up Christmas and put the house semi back together. Zorro bit off the new lights plug so for now we’re just going to have to deal with tree only.

4) Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves
5) Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs
6) Were entirely ready to have God remove these defects of character
~Steps 4-6, The 12 Steps~

Last night we watched It’s a Wonderful Life. It’s one of those favorites people have that they watch around Christmastime. The kids don’t like watching it so we watched it by ourselves. I think you have to be more of a grown up to appreciate this movie. There aren’t very many kids in it for one and two, kids don’t really understand grown up problems. Most of this movie is about problems that grown-ups have to go through.

I remembered Donna Reed’s character, Mary, and that she’s almost too perfect. But then watching it I remembered again, and confirmed in my mind that she indeed was too perfect. The more I watched the more upset I became, not visibly, not terribly. I was upset because this was obviously not a movie about an actual person. This was some man’s rendition of whatever their fantasy, whatever their version of perfect was.

She is not deterred when he forgets their fun night. She doesn’t throw him out when he’s unimpressed by his own imagination of lassoing the moon and pulling it down. She readily surrenders their interrupted honeymoon and willingly hands over the money that was supposed to be only for them. She wishes for a house and then works by herself to transform an old mansion into a livable home space. All this and more.

And when he comes home late, or is rude or aloof for the umpteenth time, she greets him at the door with loving excitement. She is dressed, smiling, busy with the kids, with not an inkling of stress. That’s how I knew that she couldn’t be real. I’ve known too many moms and heard too many stories. And Mary just takes it like a saint. She’s this long-suffering woman, who minus smashing the record, shows no signs of suffering.

There are vices in our lives that fall away easier than others. And then there are others, I think for me it is just this one, that wrap their tentacles around your innermost being and are so entrenched and so entwined that it seems impossible to be completely free of it, to shed it, to be rid of it. I wondered last night why this bothers me so much, why this particular thing, when I see it, stirs up pain, shame, and anger and whatever else.

Because I want to be free of this. This bitterness or grudge that comes not because someone else wasn’t the ideal for me, but because I wasn’t the ideal for them. I had needs, and needed to be loved, and this was all just too much. But that’s not all, all of that is forgivable, understandable, erased. I told the kids, in an impromptu devotion I gave before they opened their presents, that something was different on their tags.

I didn’t write Santa when they were all little. Christmas was about Jesus, yes, but also because I didn’t want to give Santa credit for the work. These gifts under the tree were a sign of my love, of the love of me and their dad for them. Mom and Dad. Dad and Mom I would sometimes switch it up so as to be honoring. Sometimes I’d eventually write Santa to be fun. But what I wanted them to know was how much we loved them.

This year I signed the gifts from “Love”. The Bible says that God is love, and in James it also says that “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning (1:17).” All these years, I have not been love itself, as much as I was filled with it. I have only been a conduit of what was first bestowed to me. God is the one who truly loves them.

It went something like that. And separate from that but somehow related are the thoughts I continue to have about rewards. I wanted rewards for being good, but that’s only because I thought I deserved them. Even in holiness I thought somehow that the reward on this earth was somehow a good marriage, good children, lives that bear fruit from the work you’ve poured into them. But the more I go on I see this isn’t the reward.

God himself is the ideal and reward. Not the end of pain and trials, or the cessation of labor. All those things will be wonderful too. But he is the only one who lasts, and because I am in him I will go on and live forever. I will know completeness and perfection and healing in Jesus even as I have already known it. They keep trying to tell me this, that this is how you love freely. I am getting it now. I think I’m getting it now.

The snow it melts the soonest
when the winds begin to sing
The bee that flew when Summer shone
in Winter cannot sting
~English folk song, sung by Voces8~

I have a cat who I let sleep on my pillow and the only reason I do is because she isn’t anybody’s favorite. Every other cat has someone who at least professes or shows them their love on a regular basis and this one doesn’t have anything like that. I kept her because I didn’t want to give her away, because she was a kitten and the kids and I were attached. But sometimes I wonder if I haven’t done her a disservice.

As in she could’ve been someone’s favorite, but here she is just our cat number seven. Her name is Ruby, which is a name the kids picked and one I never really liked. So Ruby sleeps on my pillow and Midnight sleeps underneath. There’s a new pillow I brought over from the CGC last Christmas when we gave everyone pillows from the leftover donations. It’s still in its package but the printing is scratched off now.

Elianna took Zorro on an unleashed walk around the lake. I wasn’t sure about the name Zorro at first but it’s grown on me and I like it. Everyone else stayed closer to home. It’s been one of those days after Christmas where everyone is content mostly doing their own thing. I brought my blankets to the couch as not to be a recluse and have spent and enjoyed a major portion of the day there. There are many leftovers.

We watched a few different movies this year. One was Christmas With the Kranks which was funny though a little bit over the top. The other was Red One starring Chris Evans and the Rock. I actually liked it and thought it was interesting. Both movies of course had to have some kind of scene that involved women in bikinis. It’s like you can’t get away from it. Most of the time it ruins movies and is 100% unneccesary.

I liked the Red One movie and thought it was interesting. It had an evil Christmas witch which made the movie more intriguing. We’ll watch another one tonight. I don’t get these people who talk about winter like the light is returning. Experientially there’s more darkness plus the temperatures are colder. I’m not 100% sure about the experiential thing so don’t look it up and then judge me for being wrong.

It drives me nuts when I can’t write, especially at a time like this. The morning came quickly and we were swept up into the Christmas action. That makes it sound hectic which it wasn’t. Josh and I woke up and rolled out of bed around 7:30. The kids were still asleep except for Elianna who was dressed up on the couch in this fun Rudolph costume/onesie which she bought while on vacation with Miles. I didn’t it notice at first because the lights were still dim and she was curled up resting quietly.

It my rushing around I didn’t have a chance to thoughtfully write about her and one of the boys and how much they helped with the kitchen preparations. My daughter practically made the entire Christmas brunch meal. She takes care of the cinnamon rolls starting yesterday morning with the mixing of the dough. She made the breakfast casseroles that were ready to go this morning.

Sometimes you have these moments where you almost feel too blessed. Like I feel so humbled to have a daughter who would do all this for me without me really even asking. Christmas with bigger kids is so so different. I don’t why I feel guilty at times making them do things like clean up the dishes. The other three boys were in charge of cleaning up after eating and I told them it wasn’t a punishment, it was distribution of labor. Doing everything for them at some point is just not needed anymore.

I’m always the one who’s more emotional about Christmas. It’s the child, there’s always one, who I felt was overlooked. There’s the passing of time and the fleeting hold between everything wrapped and everything opened. There was somehow feeling hurt after Uncle Glenn and I negotiated the time of when to open the kids’ presents. There was the cemetery visit before going to Grandma’s.

We had a good time there, and all day. My brother and sister left mid-morning to head back down to my mom and dad’s. Uncle Glenn came for lunch and hung out for the afternoon. At my mother-in-law’s we opened presents and enjoyed a lighter snacky type meal. She didn’t do as many presents this year, two a piece after feeling like she needed to cut back. Laura came over and my father-in-law’s sister also came by. They started working on a guest list. By around 9 we were here again, grateful for home.

The day began busy. Josh and I went to County Market to get the remaining food for the night time. My brother was planning to be there around eleven and made it right about that time. He usually goes over toward my other two sister but I guess I wanted a turn this time. He had no plans and I was happy he came, spent the day, and spent the night.

My parents stopped by in the afternoon. My youngest sister was with them and they were in town after spending some time at the stores. I never know how to approach Christmas with them lately since they don’t technically celebrate it. They aren’t a fan of trees and they don’t eat pork. So I like when they’re here I just don’t want to offend them.

My brother had wanted these slider sandwiches my grandma used to make when she was alive. Thankfully I had also bought turkey to make them with. Mom and Dad ended up staying later and when it came near to supper time we started heating up sandwiches. Ethan was with Laura and Elianna with Miles at their respective churches. Afterward they came back here until our candlelight service at 10:30.

I really feel bad for the pastor who keeps doing this. I think he does it because he thinks that he has to, that he can’t disappoint the people who expect this old tradition. But I don’t know, I just feel like pastor’s should go to bed at a decent hour and get their rest. At some point it was Miles, Laura, Schneipp, Aiden and my mother-in-law who were also at home with us. They watched a short movie or two and ate snacks until it was time for church.

A few of us left to go see a light show. It didn’t end up still being going but it still was fun to travel through town. We had to get gas but no places were open. My son tried two different stations and none of them worked because it was so late. Earlier in the day and night I’d done some wrapping. We finished it though once the service was over. The boys stayed up for a while downstairs and my sister, Josh, and I were up til 2 in the morning.

December flew by again this year. It’s not a surprise and I’ve come to expect this. But each year you try to slow it down a little in order to savor the time with loved ones. I need to find the quote but somewhere in Ann Voskamp’s book 1000 gifts, she talks about time being like a river and when you step into the river you can actually slow time. Like when you slow down to be present you actually get more time.

It doesn’t pass by so quickly and you don’t end up missing it. Like most things, it isn’t perfect and there are those seeming exceptions like December, but for the most part I think she’s right that when you take time time in the moment to be more present and appreciate your life you end up living a better and fuller life. This year is a little different in that I have not been intentionally building up to Christmas Day.

Not that I intentionally build it up other years, it was just the natural result of my actions. We did do some shopping in the afternoon to where I feel better now about having presents to open. We didn’t have enough gifts for them. The thing about Christmas shopping is that you have to have at least once where you browse and look for the thing you wouldn’t have thought of. You only know when you see it.

And then you start getting ideas like, “Ooooo, they could totally play with this in the open areas of Grandma’s basement” or “Oh this would be fun for them to all play together” and then you find a little box of accessories to go with it to split up amongst the stockings. Those kinds of things only happen in stores. That was a theme of the bigger gifts this year. They were things they could play with and share.

The update on the lung thing is that now I’m being referred to a pulmonologist. They will call me back when they have something set up. I did get a more detailed wording about whatever it is but it’s still not giving me any clear answers. Obviously I’d prefer that this wasn’t some kind of cancerous lesion that’s going to end up killing me in a year or even sooner or later. I guess there is a part of me that would still want to live.

Zorro bit off the part of the Christmas lights that plug into the outlet. So our Christmas tree in the mudroom is currently lightless. I have a spare strand of clear ones that somebody could replace them with but I haven’t decided if we should try and do that yet. It’s a nicer day weather wise and when the sun is out and it’s warmer he doesn’t mind being outside and will even nap in the sun and dig around in the yard.

It’s nice that we have this already made fence. Work last night went very smoothly which I was incredibly grateful and thankful to God for. I came home and on the way picked up Elianna from a friend’s house. The moon looked like a huge half-hidden lighted ball. It took me a minute to figure out what it was because of the strands of clouds overlapping it and because it was so big. Ethan was still out at Laura’s house.

He texted around 1 saying he was on his way home. I told him we needed to talk about curfews but we could talk about it later. This morning the kids went to Sunday school and I watched Dad preaching at Trinity from the computer. In his sermon he praised my ability to put things from the fridge and pantry together to form a meal. I kind of thought it was funny he praised such a mediocre quality but I knew he was trying.