I’m starting to have dreams about getting ready for Christmas. I don’t think I’ve ever been so unprepared. The boys and I went shopping Monday but the trip itself did not last long. I imagined this fun time together driving around in the Christmas spirit. We’d stop somewhere for hot chocolate, browse some stores, get ideas for gifts and even buy some to get our collection started.

Barnes and Noble was fine but after that we were all zapped. We managed to walk into Ross and buy a rug, but no one wanted to be in there for any longer than we had to. It truly was like our souls were being drained from us. The long line, the shoppers staring blankly, the checkout people who had no spring in their step either. What in the world was going on? We ended up going home.

But I’m going to have to go back sometime. Over a month ago now I went to the doctor to do my annual checkup early and to tell the NP about some things that’d been bothering me. She ordered a CT of the pelvis and abdomen. That all came back clear except for the area where they could also see the very bottom of my lungs. I didn’t really ask for clarification about the wording.

So I had to go back and get a chest x-ray. I didn’t even tell Josh about it because I didn’t want to. But he was in the car with me when the girl from the office called back and said that it was still showing some kind of irregularity. It’s something like a haziness in the right lower lobe. So now I have to go back and get a chest CT and they will call and let me know when they’ve got it set up.

So I had a moment of being like, “Well crap. I’m dying”, and felt more mad about it then anything else. But it was only for a moment because like I’ve said, I’ve lived my life and I’m good. God has blessed me with 42 years and that’s more than many other people get to live. I’ve watched my kids go through grief and I know they’d be fine. My husband is obviously capable of handing our lives.

It’s not the way I would’ve written my story but God does not ask or give us the pen. It’s frustrating because I just want to put this behind me but then it keeps coming up with the need for more things. But in the meantime I’m going to just try to not worry about it because God says not to. The kids have finals this week before they are off for Christmas break. Ethan was done Monday.

He’s riding down with Laura’s dad to St. Louis to pick up Laura from the airport. Laura’s mom had asked if he wanted to go and so I asked him and he said sure. I told him he might as well start getting to know his (potentially future) in-laws a little more and start the process of building memories with them. I believe that every day is special and I try to live my life in a way that reflects that.