I keep seeing these posts on Instagram about sharing the holiday mental load with your partner. As in, explaining how women have all these things they are thinking about and are completely exhausted by the holiday season and expectations. The way to relieve some of this burden is for men to step up and be aware of what is going on in terms of what their wife is trying to accomplish and all of the things she is thinking about.

This in my opinion is an unrealistic expectation. There are definitely times when men need to be more aware, and anymore it’s just part of marriage these days where the two people are going to have to work out the house chores and daily functions in a way that is generally satisfactory for both parties. In my experience this distribution of labor has changed over the years and is one of those things that adjusts with the needs.

What I mean is that you can’t expect him to be the Christmas magic fairy. There are legitimate differences between men and women and as frustrating and hard to understand as it can be, allowing each other to be each other and not holding that against them is an integral part of being married. I’m not trying to be unsympathetic toward women it’s just that you can’t expect men to be our twin in mind and ability.

I say all of this as my own Christmas magic expectations have had to adjust and my husband is currently out with our two oldest boys going shopping and running errands. I have to work this weekend and have limited energy that can’t be spent at the stores. He is off work this week and typically enjoys catching up on Christmas errands and taking part in the shopping. I’ve texted him some things and he’s picking them up.

And getting our son fit for a better-sized running shoes, and finding anything else for himself that he wants. It’s different every year but this year we’re just buying our own gifts then someone can give them to us. I picked out two books, plus the recumbent bike I ordered earlier in the month was supposed to count as my present. He was getting himself some cigars and new work boots. I’m working on a Christmas menu.

Laura came over for the afternoon and evening. There is something about having an “outsider” in your presence that opens your eyes to potential patterns or habits that could use some adjustments or working on. The boys enjoy sitting and watching each other play video games. I don’t like them doing this all the time but other times I don’t even notice or care that much because I am also enjoying doing other things that I like.

But when there’s a girl over, and it’s not like it’s the first time she’s been over, there has to be some awareness that what she enjoys doing and what the boys enjoy doing may in fact be two very completely different things. So it’s important to find something that you both like doing so that you can do those things and make memories together. Even as a family, as kids have gotten older, I’ve realized that I haven’t cultivated this as much.

Both Miles and Laura’s families play games. The kids and I worked on a puzzle at the kitchen table. We used to do puzzles and then label them at the bottom with the year and who helped with the completion. It was actually fun to participate and drink our hot chocolate and have our Christmas songs playing. Zorro likes the new rug in the mud room and it makes me happy to see the kids in there too and also enjoying the space.