The boys and I are finally making some progress on the tree. They were kind of hounding me about it this morning, wanting to start setting things up. I had one more video assignment to complete before the Zoom meeting I had scheduled 12:30. But they weren’t going to let it go so I just went ahead and started putting on lights. It wasn’t ideal because we had two strands of clear and one strand of color.

So I put the color up the middle of the inner part of the tree and used the clear lights for around the rest of it. We still ended up needing to get more lights, which perhaps we can get out and get some tomorrow. I’m serious about this small Christmas, I’m not spending money. The lady I helped this summer with the knee replacement surgery sent me a surprise check for $1408. She said she Googled home health wages.

I told her I’m going to put it toward school. A few weeks ago I was in one of my moments where I started looking into the Marriage and Family degree at Concordia. Long story short, they were going to let me join the cohort in January. It all seemed perfect except for when I asked again to get the final okay for doing it, there was no okay. I’d misunderstood and we didn’t have 8,000 more dollars to spend.

It’s like, at first his job was to keep me from quitting school, and now it’s to keep me from signing up for any more. I had talked to the head of the program and everything who had gotten special permission from the dean for me to join. The way I was going to do it would’ve meant I would have had to take a few more classes which wouldn’t have given me another degree but it would’ve allowed me to apply for a MFT license.

It’s fine. These moments pass and then I look back and wonder what I was thinking. Miles’ family was back from vacation tonight so I picked up Elianna after leaving my work site. We were both anxious for her to get back to the dog. He was very happy to see her and definitely remembered her. Dad had chapel in Altamont this morning so I brought our son to driver’s ed. I feel like I have more to say so I’ll try later.

“I’m thinking about cutting my hair. What do you think?” I’d followed him after a minute when he walked through the living, down the hallway, and into the bathroom. We don’t barge in on each other anymore. When we were first married it was standard behavior to just be in and out of the bathroom no matter what the other person was doing. In our first apartment the photo college from his dorm room leaned against the wall.

I wanted to incorporate his friends and special memories, plus our bathroom was huge. There was room to put a large bulletin board full of pictures. There was that one picture of him and Laura from their Minnesota missions trip. She was the one girl he ever told me that he loved, but not in that way. We stayed up all night in his car by the swing-set, listening to Lifehouse and others until sunrise. She married one of his college friends.

We had a fight one time in Hoyleton that ended the free-for-all bathroom practice, or at least made me question, or think twice, or wonder how we’d gone for so long without me truly knowing how he felt. You can’t always judge the hasty things said in anger, but for some reason those are the words that will stick with you. “Why don’t you treat me like a queen!?”, I had said, or something like it. I can’t even repeat what it was he said.

It’s too embarrassing, at least that is how I felt when he said it. This whole time I thought it had meant we were close. His family did the weirdest things. They all had their own personal time in the bathroom. One after the other, 30 minutes at a time. With us we were in and out, sharing a sink, a hairbrush, towels, asking if someone could bring us some toilet paper. This is how I was fine with things. It wasn’t weird to me.

“Well I wouldn’t do anything impulsive”, he said to me from the other side of the door. “Why would you cut it?”, he asked. I’m bending in the hallway looking into the mirror, running my fingers through the neglected ends. I like my hair my long, but I’m 42 now. I’ve had it this way for probably 15 years, never coloring it, never styling it. “I feel like maybe I need a new look.” Maybe having it shorter would make me look healthier.

Like I was trying and caring. The girls at the shelter change their hair all the time. The women and girls do not have very much hair. They purchase extensions and then weave them in with braids or other methods. It often breaks and is hard to manage. They are very skilled at beautifying and very hair conscious. I watched a girl and mother fight over what kind of style the girl could have or not have. The girl wasn’t happy.

“If you like my hair long, I think you need to tell me more”, I said, still looking in the mirror, but standing up now. I’d put the mirror on the lower half of the wall so it would be at eye level for the boys passing by when they would walk into their room. They are taller than it now but it still hangs on the wall there. We’re still talking through the door. “Do you mean like right now, or just in general?” It isn’t quite a formula but it could be.

“I mean like in general”, I said, satisfied. And that was the end and there was no more about it. I went back into the living room to continue with whatever it was I was doing. I think he came back out and then said something about liking it long. He did. I still will go into the bathroom at times, but I knock first, mostly. He doesn’t care when I’m in there, but I care when he is. Back at camp there were no doors, just the woods and the lake.

The boys and I did social studies and Bible this morning. They’ve been leading up to David and Goliath for about a week and today they finally got to the part when he kills him. After that David cuts off his head and takes the head of Goliath to Jerusalem. They were wondering what he would’ve done with it there. Well it was supposed to be a sign for the inhabitants that the frightening Philistine warrior was dead and that God had delivered Israel from the hands of their enemies.

But I don’t know what they would’ve done with it. Earlier Dad took our high school aged son to drivers ed to meet the instructor in the parking lot at 7:10. Because we are a private school they have to do driver’s ed through the public school. The instructors can be a little sour about this, or so I’ve heard from some meeting where there were trying to get driver’s ed set up with the new school location. There was another school board meeting tonight that said they will need about 20 million dollars to rebuild.

That includes athletic fields and parking. I have yet to drive by the demolished building. I told the boys after school that we could bring up the Christmas bin and start to decorate some things but that didn’t happen. We played with Zorro outside for a while and took videos to send to Elianna. She said she thinks he’s bigger already and it looks to me like he definitely is, but still small enough to have that very cute puppy look. I feel like I love him and am feeling a bond.

But it’s the boys who are doing most of the work with him. I take that back, Dad is too. He will take him for walks and hang out outside. I will do “down” and “sit” with him for treats but Elianna said she didn’t want us training him too much. It’s fun training dogs because you feel like they’re listening and then you get to shower them with ruffles and praise. I still think it’s funny that we have all these cats and just tonight again there were four in the living room. They just hang out and chill and don’t ask for much.

I slept instead of doing any Christmas things. The boys watched Youtube videos for a while until Dad took them both to pick up their brother. Zorro went with them. The housekeeper knocked on the door a few minutes later saying the power was out in the kitchen at main camp. The fridge and the freezers had started to warm. I called Josh and told him and Josh called Tim and Tim came out and saw a fuse had been blown. The electrician guys came later and did something to fix it.

“And we desire each one of you to show the same earnestness to have the full assurance of hope until the end, so that you may not be sluggish, but imitators of those who through faith and patience inherit the promises.”
~Hebrews 6:11-12~

There’s this woman at work who works double shift weekend option. So every Saturday and Sunday she comes in at 6:45AM and works a day shift and then an evening shift. She’s done this for years. The catch is that on her weekends she usually leaves at 10PM. For me that means, that on my weekends, I go over to her wing around 9:45PM and we count the narcs so she can leave. From 10-11PM then I am in charge of both wings.

This really bothered me the first time it happened. No one had told me about having to cover two floors and it wasn’t part of the deal when I agreed to work these shifts. I thought about telling my boss, “I’m sorry, but I’m not comfortable doing this. I said upfront when I trained over there that I really did not feel comfortable with the REACH wing and we had agreed that I would not have to work shifts over there.”

I eventually wanted to be able to work over there but it was too much to start with because the people on that wing are always changing, versus the long-term care wings where the residents do not change (as often) and there is more repetition where you aren’t having to learn new people every time you go in. But then I thought, “Okay, well, maybe I just need to be a big girl and do this.” You can’t be having your way all the time.

There is an element of having to “join the club” so to speak. You have to go in early for people or stay later because someone calls in. Not all the time, but this is part of the job where people are fickle, people get sick, life happens, and there are still these wings that need to be staffed. On summer you’re by yourself (1 nurse) with 26-28 people for most of the evening shift which is why I did not want to work evenings there.

So doing it on Spring for one hour is just part of the job. You just pray like always that nothing too crazy happens then breathe a deep sigh of relief when nothing does. The lady who does this weekend option then turns around and works a full-time clinic job all week. You just wonder how people manage and even like to do it this way. We all have our own lives and ways of doing things and for me this is how it is working for now.

“…they returned to Lystra and to Iconium and to Antioch, strengthening the souls of the disciples, encouraging them to continue in the faith, and saying that through many tribulations we must enter the kingdom of God.”
~Acts 14:22~

These every other weekends come around pretty quickly but not enough to seem like too much. I still dread going and suppose I always will. It’s not a heavy dread, rather it’s more like a faint one. But once I’m there I’m typically okay and then after the Saturday there’s only one more. I received a card in the mail acknowledging my one year work anniversary. It felt crazy to think that I now have another year of experience.

This passage I read this morning reminded me of something I read a few years ago. Back when Covid was happening in 2020, our church printed out the entirety of the services including the parts normally said by the pastor. There was a part in the All Saint’s Day service that completely jumped out at me. It was the part from the Proper Preface which is the part of the church service spoken right before communion.

“In the communion of all Your saints gathered into the one body of Your Son, You have surrounded us with so great a cloud of witnesses that we, encouraged by their faith and strengthened by their fellowship, may run with perseverance the race that is set before us and, together with them, receive the crown of glory that does not fade away.”

I remember feeling something rather remarkable when I read these words: Encouraged. And while the encouragement came from the words themselves, the shock of them came more from what the words did not say. The lines, for example, did not go like this:

“Saints of God–Even though we are called the body of Christ, made up of brothers and sisters nearby and throughout the world, this Christian life is pretty much one of living life on your own. It’s not ideal, true, but that’s the way that it is. You will, over years and time, adjust. We live in a sinful world these days, which basically means nothing is ever right.”

I felt encouraged by the word that the faith of saints could encourage. I simultaneously felt uplifted but strangely seen in reading that it was communion and fellowship with the body of Christ that strengthens me and not my resolve to keep going.

“And the disciples were filled with joy and with the Holy Spirit.”
~Acts 13:52~

We went shopping for a Christmas tree this evening. I am still really drained from getting over thanksgiving. After school I told the boys I was going to lie down. I started on the couch telling them they can be my body and I will be their brains, meaning I’d tell them what to do or what to clean and they would do it while I was cuddled up with blankets. We didn’t get far but it was far enough to be satisfactory.

They made a Christmas chain countdown. The one gets antsy and has to do things. He also painted a picture of the full moon in the sky. I didn’t fall asleep but laid down until about 1:15 when I got up to get dressed. I was sitting in for an assessment at the Thrive Center. Bless these people’s hearts who come in. He didn’t know I was coming and technically you’re supposed to have consent when observing sessions.

So I asked him in the lobby if he was the 2PM assessment and he was. Thankfully he said yes but it felt to me like he should’ve been asked a tad sooner as he didn’t really have much time to consider it. I wish I could talk more about the things that they say, but these people in a way are entrusting their secrets and I will never get over the way they just open up and share in a moment. You have to be trustworthy.

Sorry, I’m not trying to virtue signal. I needed a break from this place too and between the supervisor taking a trip and having thanksgiving week it was nice to have one. Afterward he was showing me the charting for an assessment, saying he knows I’m actually going to have to do it myself. I finally asked if I could actually come around to where he was because from where I was sitting across the desk I couldn’t see.

It’s weird, which is why I write about it. It’s not weird like creepy, it’s more like I’m not used to being around men. I’m not used to having to completely ignore certain feelings or pretend I’m just a person looking over his shoulder. Except I wasn’t pretending, that’s just what I was. I’m not there enough to get the client experiences I’m wanting but it has been good for groups and learning more logistics of insurance/business things.

Elianna is going to Branson, Missouri with Miles and his family. They’re leaving tomorrow and plan to be gone for five days, which is why we went ahead and got our Christmas tree tonight. Zorro rode along and walked outside in the streetlights. He’s really very cute but I also fear as he continues to grow. She wanted a dog that looked like a wolf. He looks like one, like an animal who could potentially do great harm.

I’m not really used to being around dogs either, and as a kid, I never liked them. But I am also open to learning and it helps to know that dogs are normal. The tree we found was $65 and may have been the quickest time ever in choosing a tree. At first I said we should go to Ace Hardware after stopping by the first place we were at, but then I changed my mind. It’s in the living room now and we can decorate some other time.

“When they heard these things they fell silent. And they glorified God, saying, ‘Then to the Gentiles also God has granted repentance that leads to life.”
~Acts 11:18~

I read somewhere recently that the decade of your 40’s is the old age of youth and the 50’s decade is the youth of old age. I like that. It sure does feel that way at times especially when I consider our past Decembers leading up to Christmas. I’ve jokingly said “I’m failing Advent this year”, but haven’t necessarily felt it deeply. In years past I definitely have, feeling like the time is rushing by but without nearly enough of it.

And then you wonder, “Am I tired? Is it laziness? Just a difference in priorities?”, while you’re trying to figure out why exactly you’re more okay with not having a tree yet or turning the house over into Christmas. I haven’t really found the answer, but the old age in your forties felt like something to do with it. The stranger thing to me is that the kids seem to be okay with it too.

Like do they not miss the joy? It was such a big deal to move that tree along the calendar lines, marking the days each morning as they passed. I haven’t bought a single gift, but there is always the relief in knowing Grandma is already on it and that they essentially have two major Christmas Day openings. My aunts have sent us money for as long as I can remember and I thought about doing that for nieces and nephews.

It’s not like I didn’t know that family was important or that Jesus was the ultimate reason for the season. Those two things are what made it so good. I think of Christmas and Jesus’ birth being tied to our joy and Easter and his resurrection being tied to our hope. The angels to the shepherds came with tidings of joy. It’s like anytime a baby is born. We know that it’s special.

Just like anytime a person dies we know that it’s sad. I have this tendency to want to relive the past, like to right now go out and buy the lighted candy canes for the hallway. I loved those so much. But there are joys that come in new seasons too, like it’s not even that I need the permission to let it change. I need the grace and the vision to be ok with something different while still resting deeply in the truths that never change.

“And the Lord said to him (Ananias), ‘Rise and go to the street called Straight, and at the house of Judas look for a man of Tarsus named Saul, for behold, he is praying’…”
~Acts 9:11~

Zorro and I went for a walk this morning. The boys were still asleep and I thought I’d give them a break from their responsibilities. Dad was in Arensville for chapel, though I was up before him this time so I could get to work on my panel handouts. I had my presentation this afternoon and passed. I felt slightly disappointed afterward that I hadn’t really tried to choose a video that was more exciting.

“It was nice to see your work”, said the teacher I had this summer. The word work made it feel so serious, like I should’ve taken this more seriously and made the afternoon less boring for them. But it’s over now and it is what is. You only have to do the panel once, so I don’t know if I’ll ever see this particular teacher again. I liked him a lot and he made the transition to a different place less formidable.

It was my birthday so naturally I’ve been thinking about life and death, mostly the latter. If I ever die I just want you to know that anything I say here is completely usable. There is no copyright on my words because they were a gift to me in the first place, and hopefully at some point, a gift to you. I’ve wanted to say that several times but at no point could ever bring myself to type it out. It was too much.

Too much to be at peace with and say. In Acts 9 and 10 there are two noted instances where God is working out details in tandem. The first is with Saul and Ananias. God confronts Saul on the road to Damascus and tells him next what he is to do. Then he makes himself known to Ananias who is now supposed to go looking for Saul, or more precisely, he tells him exactly where Saul is at. Ananias finds him.

The second instance happens between the centurion and Peter. God tells the centurion where to find Peter, and at the same time in his own way, God sets the stage with Peter for the centurion’s men who are coming. So it is in our lives where God is working behind the scenes, in ways he tells us and ways he doesn’t, but may have told someone else. And then the scenes come together to form the fuller story.

We ended up going to McAllister’s for supper. The kids and I went there a couple of weeks/months ago and I’d decided we weren’t going back there again. But then I decided to give them another chance. We arrived about 15 minutes early so walked over to Home Goods to look around in the store. I couldn’t believe all the stuff.

We didn’t buy anything. Josh’s mom was there when we got back and the group of us walked up to the counter and ordered. They have warm food that doesn’t take forever to get but is still something different than a hamburger and fries. On the way into town I’d asked the kids what they thought about just having the one Christmas tree this year.

We’d just turn the harvest tree into a Christmas one. That way we wouldn’t have to worry about lights or carrying it in or finding a place to put it. The thought of bringing in a big messy thing just wasn’t appealing. The kids said absolutely not. So I nixed the Christmas tree idea until another day when I’d hopefully be feeling more inspired.

My nap was not enough to revive it, and neither was the afternoon of resting. In the car I had a flashback to April or May a couple of years ago when something like a nail popped out of my heart. I’d been crying so hard when it suddenly felt like some kind of impaled object came out of my heart. I thought for sure I was going to die right then.

I didn’t know how I didn’t, or what exactly it was that left. I thought it had to be some kind of grief thing, some kind of deep hurt that had lodged itself so deep inside me there was no removing it except by blunt force, or apparently crying. I’d been listening to these audio sessions on attachment theory and “love styles”. I was the “vacillator”.

They were coming on up on this key thing that had to do with their healing and coming into a more “secure connection”. I thought while I was listening, “Oh God, here it comes. They’re going to say you need to deal with your anger…” I was ready to hear it and own my problems. But instead they said, “You need to get comfortable with being alone.”

I don’t know if the nail came out before that or after that but all of that was happening around the same time period. We had a nice time at McAllister’s and we didn’t have to wait super long. We somehow got on the topic of the letters Josh and I had written to each other in the years before getting married. I was wondering where they were.

Josh was looking at me then said, “You don’t remember?” I feel like I’ve seen them in the past fifteen years or so, in a box that I that went though and wanted to keep. I always thought it be cool to arrange them in a book, like to organize them by dates and replies so they could be read in succession. Some of them are romantic and others just normal.

“Didn’t you bury them at Golgotha?”, my daughter replied. Apparently we did. Golgotha is the place on camp property where there is a giant (average) sized cross where we did a camp devotion one time for junior high kids where we acted out the crucifixion of Jesus. Many years later we buried these letters there. I was floored to hear any of this.

Because I couldn’t remember it. He said after we’d broken up he buried my letters in a box in his parents’ yard. But when we got back together he’d dug them back up. I have no idea why I would’ve wanted to bury them but the more I thought about it the more I remembered having this discussion and planning it, wanting to waterproof the box.

So now I’m wondering if we need to go dig them up at some point, or if we’d ever even be able to find the spot where we buried them, if we in fact actually did this. I know they aren’t in our room because I have deep cleaned in there and organized those sorts of things. The only place they could be is in the back office which I’ve never organized.

Well I’m hoping to get back into my Advent readings soon. Today for school the boys had animal care. Elianna was at school so the boys were in charge during the hours she was away. They said the dog is more work than the eight cats combined. It’s just that you have to play with him and entertain him when he’s awake. He bites at my ankles which I’m not a huge fan of and we called Aunt Liz for any puppy advice she had.

But he got to experience his first snow. Elianna was sad she was missing it but luckily I’d taken pictures. I feel like this is going to be one of those things where they grow really fast and before you know it they’re grown. But then we’re going to wish we had taken more pictures. So there were pictures of him outside in the snow with the boys. I walked to the mailbox to mail a thank-you card to my grandma while they watched.

I said they could do school or help me clean but they couldn’t do nothing. They chose to help clean. The upstairs needed attention and tidying. The cats have actually been really healthy but one recently had a bite on his face that got infected. We took him to the vet to get it cleaned and get some medicine. I feel like I’m always mentioning bites but it doesn’t happen that often. Anymore I tend to want to just take them in.

He needed to go in. Before that, around noon, I’d started to feel drained. I went to bed after lunch until it was time to go to the vet. After that I charged my phone to have it ready for the shelter. One of the moms needed her car jumped so we did that right away. I don’t like standing outside there in the cold or the dark. Another family had unexpectedly left and one from the downstairs emergency shelter had moved in.

I’m still worried about his face but I am glad he has medicine. I told Josh he didn’t have to get me anything for my birthday (tomorrow) and he said he didn’t because the Andrew Peterson concert was my present. The only thing I wanted was to go Christmas tree shopping and pick out a tree. He just told me though that the tree farms aren’t open until the weekend, so I dont know what we’ll do. I know Menards has lots.