My guy didn’t show up so that was a bummer. He rescheduled for the 14th which seems like an eternity when you’re talking weeks. The supervisor’s assessment didn’t show up either so I had the ability to ask him a charting question for another individual session. I absolutely can’t believe that this is happening to me again where I am affected by and attracted to the presence of some man. It’s like, that ship has sailed.

Those wounds have been healed, those needs taken care of. I can’t imagine living like this on a daily basis where you have to have control over yourself all the time. Sometimes just saying the things out loud just helps you to realize the absurdity of it all. It’s like, some guy who’s had his girlfriend for 17+ years I’m sure is not giving me AN OUNCE OF THOUGHT on a Friday night when he’s home from work.

And oh yeah, I’M MARRIED. So I am content to live with this disturbance of mind and ignore whatever flighty impulses my head concocts. Today in group we watched a meditation video. For a while we were on the floor doing seated meditations. One of the things we had to write was what we would want on our tombstone. The idea was to identify what truly matters in life. The words I had were “Christ was her strength.”

I had over 20 hours this week and I definitely didn’t like it. I feel like this is my perpetual excuse for not doing more, but being a stay-at-home mom for so many years changed my heart and the way I orient my life. I feel like I keep having these feelings of loyalty and devotion to people who don’t even exist anymore, to a family who has disbanded and gone their own separate ways. But these people have my heart.

So I would rather just do my mediocre job here and let the chips fall where they may out there. By mediocre I mean accepting the part of this work that depletes me and causes me to perform at levels that are lower than what the standard in my head would be and has been. It’s like some variation of what that Psalm says. I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the feelings of any other houses.

This is the first week I’ve tried to really push the hours and I’m not sure I like it. I don’t like when things take over my mind and cause me to put main things on the back burner. Yes I would like to be finished by the end of summer if possible, but at the same time, this going into sites and showing a video when I need to is going to be so second nature I don’t think it’d be much of a deal at all to finish this up with other classes.

So as much as it drives me nuts, it’s just not worth it to me to do any more than I’m doing. At Contact I have access to a steady flow of direct hours and at Thrive I’m supposed to do my first assessment tomorrow. I really hope he shows up. Today I did a mock assessment and then sat in on a session. So often when I observe sessions I like the person instantly. It was the same way today. I come away excited about doing this.

I told the boss at Contact that I’m not doing the case work. That would’ve been too much pressure as it didn’t sound like something I could easily pick up. I did say I would still do simpler tasks like thank you notes and those sorts of things. So next week I’m supposed to do some of that. Basically I can get more hours here and there without needing to obsess. I really like the variety that I am getting with both experiences.

“For he himself is our peace…”
~Ephesians 2:14~

I don’t know if it’s the winter or what but it seems like my mind is offline these days. Like wherever I am I’m just not all there. It’s not even like there’s anything taking up brain space it’s just being a person moving along from one day to the next.

I have been obsessing about trying to get in more hours. With Alexis being there I feel like I need to clean up some of my more “getting by” procedures. I can’t even imagine failing over something like not having your written consent forms stored right but that kind of stuff I’m sure has happened. We’re not supposed to record videos on devices that are able to connect to the internet but the camera I bought is just awful quality compared to what I’ve been using. Lord please get me through these mountains.

This school thing really is starting to get to me. For our Monday class there was no lecture we were just given the class time to work on our project. For the night class where we mostly show videos the teacher wanted to lecture about self-care and vicarious trauma. I felt so bad for her that here she is actually caring and wanting to teach and there we were just checked out and over any kind of school for the day.

Josh is gone for the next several days in Nebraska. I dropped the boys off at my mother-in-law’s around 11 and picked them up a little after 8:30 at night. The bigger kids were at youth group and stopped by on their way home too. Zorro and everyone had a great day playing outside. She seems to like Zorro and not mind his dog-ness. They played frisbee and other games and they said he did not want to stop or go back inside.

So that was nice they could be there. She’s scheduled to watch them on Friday as well. There was a girl in my class saying how she gets $50 per client hour at her internship site in Peoria. She’s there five days a week and works close to full time so it’s pretty much a job. I think I would be completely blown away if I ever was to fully know the amount unpaid work I have done in my life. It is truly one of my spiritual offerings.

I asked God
to help me
forget you

It helped to have
another man
breathe on me
in person

But you know
I am different now
simple and mild

“For through the Spirit, by faith, we ourselves eagerly wait for the hope of righteousness.”
~Galatians 5:5~

I had that pulmonology appointment last week. It had made me feel better that they didn’t seem too pressed to get me in ASAP after having the CT scan. Basically there’s some kind of centimeter sized stone in the right middle lung lobe. It can happen over time apparently after an infection and he said he wasn’t too worried about it unless it would start to cause problems which at that point they’d have to discuss taking it out.

Worry can be it’s own terrible cancer that multiplies. I thought about getting a second opinion just to not be completely careless but all the clinic doctors are the same around here. Like they work for the same clinic and I just don’t have the current care power to put anything extra into this. So I’m supposed to go back in July for a follow up scan and appointment which is the standard procedure when these things are asymptomatic.

If something gets worse then I’d go back sooner. There’s even an area around it where the lung has collapsed. It’s like when you find out you were around someone who has lice, all of a sudden your head starts to itch. I feel a pain in my back or a burning and think, “Oh is that it? I’m still getting over a cough so there’s the leftover activity from that. So I am grateful it isn’t worse and will pray it doesn’t become something more.

“But when Cephas came to Antioch, I opposed him to his face, because he stood condemned.”
~Galatians 2:11~

Yesterday would’ve been my father-in-law’s 70th birthday. So this evening we went to Culver’s for ice cream to celebrate. Miles was over when we decided to do this. He and Elianna were going to come along and then meet up with Aiden and Graham to go bowling. The social life of teenagers frustrates me at times. Really what it is, is that I get frustrated with the seeming lack of responsibility certain age groups enjoy.

College seems like too much at times. Why are we secluding so many young and able-bodied/minded people and expecting them to go through even more school when we could actually greatly be using their contributions to society? My high school kids tell me they still have so much free time at school that I don’t see why you can’t more efficiently combine high school and college and save them all some time and money.

We went around and said what we appreciated or were thankful for about Papa. Josh said he was thankful that Papa was his dad. Two of the boys talked about how they appreciated how Papa taught them things when he would take them to spend time with him on the farm. My other son said he appreciated how Papa didn’t seem to get mad when they messed something up. I said I was thankful for the meals and the cars.

One of the dumbest things I ever did was throw away most of the pictures from my high school photo album. I was proud of that book and had recorded so many memories there with my pictures. At the time, I think I was thinking that high school was stupid and really had no lasting impression or value in your life. I’d moved on and had kids and that whole period of time seemed like a lifetime ago that had ultimately meant nothing.

Certain photos I can still see. The ones from Washington D.C, the ones of me and my friends on Angie’s car or in my room. The homecoming and sweetheart dances with Nathan and then the homecoming and sweetheart dances with Matt. If only he had liked me more we could’ve been something great together. Every picture had it’s own separate memories and stories which would’ve been nice to still have these days.

During senior year our physics class took a field trip down to Texas. Our teacher was from there and he had all these places that he remembered from his own school days. We were going down to study rocks and also to visit Marfa, TX in order to hopefully view the mysterious lights that the town was supposedly famous for. I don’t remember doing a lick of work on this trip in terms of setting up or taking down the equipment.

One of the first things I did down there was swim to Mexico. I got such a kick out of saying I’d done that. We were exploring the land when I asked the teacher if I could swim across. There was another student named Sean who also wanted to go. I had no feelings for Sean of any kind but I was happy that someone else had had some sense of adventure. There was a picture of me and him on a rock about halfway across.

I haven’t anymore chronological recollection. There are only moments in my mind of things we did while down there or certain unusual things that happened. One night we camped along the river. There were three girls on the trip, with one including the teacher’s daughter. The other girl had been one of my best friends in junior high and had become a closer friend again during senior year when Susan left me for a while.

The rest were boys, four of them. Phil, Sean, Thad, and Zac. Phil was one of my close friends and the only reason I’d agreed to going. Having a girl friend on a field trip would have been okay but having a guy friend also going would make the trip even better. Matt was in our class that year too but he stayed behind for some kind of lame sports commitment. I was disappointed he wasn’t going but he wouldn’t have had any fun.

The night we camped by the river the girls slept in one of the vehicles. Spencer, the other chaperone, was the Lexington sheriff and kept watch with his gun. There were Mexicans crossing the border, or so I always thought and said. I don’t know who else would’ve been rustling around in the tall grass throughout the night. Several times I wondered in slight horror what my parents would do if they knew this was happening.

One of the things we did was spend the night at the Chinati Hot Springs. I feel positive that I have written about this somewhere before. It’s some place in Texas that has natural hot springs that come out of the pipes. They have these cabins you can stay in where you take baths in the water. They had a small outside spring pool where me, Phil, and the teacher talked for a large part of the night until the other chaperone came.

I talked about how this would be a great place for a honeymoon. I think I was thinking that the remoteness of the location made it romantic and there wouldn’t be a lot of people to bother you. I had a strange relationship with this teacher where I wanted to be nice to him but he seemed to take my niceness as reasons to like me more than he needed to. He was a very nice man and very nice to me, but I didn’t like him like that.

It started one day when I said hi to him in the hallway. He was kind of a strange man who was made fun of by other students. So one day I just looked at him and smiled and said “Hi Mr. Simpson” and after that I felt this sort of obligation to look at him and say hi every time I passed by his room. He would stand out in the hallway in between classes which is when I would see him. Kenzie and I would go to his room for study halls.

That was a common thing to do. You left study hall with whatever teacher you had to go hang out in the classroom of a teacher who you liked to be around more. I didn’t really like to be around this teacher per se, but he had this office space off of his classroom with several computers where we would go to check our emails and get away from everyone else. Tonya, Lisa, Susan, and I would do the same with our music teacher.

He would let us come and sort music or hang out in his office to play our instruments and chat. It’s true I had a crush on him just because he was a nice person, but there is a thing that happens where you bond more with certain teachers and become more friends with certain ones over others. These kinds of study halls broke up the day and gave you space to go and feel safe from the pressures and chaos of school life.

Spencer, the cop, came into the pool and Phil and I eventually left. The rest of the students were in the hammocks by the hill. Somehow we ended up sitting and talking in the school van away from everybody else doing other things. I wished several times that we could be making out on the ground somewhere. But there probably would’ve been a rattlesnake or another visitor we didn’t see to ruin the moment and punish us.

Another night we stayed in a coed bunkhouse. Where we were, how we were all in the same area, or why we couldn’t invest in more appropriate accommodations I’ll never know at this point. Phil was on the bottom bed and I was on the top. I don’t remember where anyone else was in the set up. One night we stayed in Big Bend National Park and there were just too many places to remember them all or what order.

Another day we rode donkeys into a Mexican town. A very small one. We were all given ten dollars to spend on the village children who we were told would come up to us wanting to sell things. This was another one of those photos. Of us all in the rowboat being ferried across the river. Of the donkeys we rode just like Jesus once did. Of me with this little girl, with my orange t-shirt and bandana, us sitting on the school steps.

Another whole day was spent on a river tour. The tour guide looked like Kevin Bacon, in fact, I’m sure it was him, that’s how similar they looked. If it was the river contaminate, if it was the food they served as part of the tour deal, I don’t know. But that night the other girls and I were so horribly sick I thought my dad was going to have to come get me. We were supposed to leave the next morning but we’d spent all night being sick.

Somehow we managed. I imagined plane tickets, hoping there’d be some way to get home besides having to spend 14 hours in a van managing upset stomachs. But God was merciful to us in clearing the germ from our systems and giving us relief by the morning. All we had to do was pass out exhausted and let the drivers be responsible for getting us home. The sheriff wanted to leave us there but the teacher wouldn’t let him.

The kids have their Northern Lights dance tonight. The Northern Lights were around a couple of months ago I think but I didn’t really get that into it. Unless you’re seeing them with the naked eye, I don’t think they’re that great. People were coming out here with their families to see them and I felt bad because there wasn’t much to see.

You could see some pink with your phone but that was about it. I have a sister who was underwhelmed with the eclipse last year because the sky did not go completely dark. I can see where that would be a disappoint if total darkness is what you were expecting. I’ve seen videos where it became very dark but I have never seen it get that dark.

There was a lot of running around today at the track meets. Indoor doesn’t have the same excitement as outdoor but it has it’s place. We stood around in the Illinois College field house for about two and a half hours, watched Miles run his 400, and then stayed a little longer before heading back home. I wanted to make sure we got to a meet.

Concordia has a better system for meets. Of the six or so regular season indoor meets, I believe four of them are held at Concordia. They run their events by time so you know exactly when your person is running. With this other one all they had were heat sheets. Ethan ran the mile at 5:05PM and then the 3K at 8:10. Both events were on time.

Dad had a speaking engagement in Jacksonville tonight of all places. So it was just the boys and I watching. The coach made everyone run in two events which is why he had two this time. Usually everybody only runs one and only sometimes will a few of them do two. Josh will be out in Nebraska next weekend and will go to a meet while there.

The boys took the Christmas tree outside and burned it. It’s wonderful having children who help with so many chores and they do so without complaint or resistance. After that they burned boxes while the bigger kids finished up with the dishes. The bigger kids have had spirit week and have another dance tomorrow evening. Miles has an indoor track meet over in Jacksonville that we want to go to if the times work out.

I was back at the Thrive Center again in the morning and stayed somewhat into the afternoon for a few more hours. The time goes by fast. Everything is downloaded onto my computer now so I spent some time playing around with it and getting used to the layout. The mood was much better than things had been yesterday but I still can’t help but out of place in the setting. Besides the other intern who I had intercession class with, none of these people are people I talk with outside of this building.

There’s this whole other life that is lived by these people where they go to meetings and dinners and retreats and it’s all centered around recovery from alcohol. I find it hard to relate to just how much a substance can have such a pull on your life, and yet there’s this community element to it of which I almost feel envious. They leave group in the morning and will see each other at the 5:15 meeting or the weekend trauma retreat.

I’m sure I’m romanticizing some of it. I wish I could just do a session where we put everyone on the floor for a solid hour of mat and breathwork. This seriously is the way to reprogram your mind and least it was one of the ways for me. But I just do not have that kind of boldness right now to put myself out there or to assume that what worked for one person is what would also work for everyone. By work I mean help.

Today I did feel much better. I came home and warmed up soup and then went to bed for a nap but ended up trying to get caught up with my hour logs. I’ve been minorly obsessed with the Trump women lately and have found myself watching YouTube shorts and interviews with Kai, Melania, and Ivanka but this too shall pass. I was missing baby Zorro when I saw a picture of him small. I had these babies once that I’m missing.

I’ve mostly just been waiting for my non-sick thoughts to come back. As much as it isn’t hard to write here in terms of effort, it still involves energy, which at some times just feels like it needs to be preserved and kept in. I still have not been feeling well and there are plenty of things going around at the moment. At Contact tonight about half of the residents are quarantined in their rooms for having influenza A, so hopefully I have not just reinfected myself.

I’m not really happy with either one of my sites right now. Earlier today at Thrive the supervisor seemed grumpy and seemed to have forgotten that I was coming. And then I didn’t help things because I didn’t bring my laptop which would’ve been useful in having to download whatever software I’m supposed to be getting in order to be able to chart in their system. I just wish things were moving faster there because that is more the setting where I’d like to be getting experience.

Alexis and I were both sick on Tuesday so today was our first day working together. She already has several concerns about the site that she’s been talking about with her faculty supervisor. Supposedly they’ve been pulled as a site before because of several of the reasons she was bringing up, including not be able to get the required amount of supervision. The two new moms who moved in over break have a combined amount of eight kids who are all young.

It’s hard to meet individually or even hear they while they’re talking when having to filter out the kids. The moms I’ve met with up until this point have either only had one child or their children were old enough to hang out in the room by themselves for a while. At times it can be a very wearisome environment. The kid group meeting we had went well and I do like the experience and think it’s a good site, it’s just very niche and you have to be willing to accept it’s deficiencies.

Thrive is much more peaceful, I just can’t seem to break out of my timidity shell and be more open and assertive about what I am wanting, or be certain that more hours there is what I even want. I feel like I have this person inside of me who is personable and warm and would make a good counselor. It’s just hard to let other people see that for some reason. It snowed another inch or two this morning but the temps were not as cold as the past several days.