My flesh showed up this morning where it came on two times in a row in fairly rapid succession. It started when I said I didn’t want to go back to school. It really was just a statement about whatever feeling I was having. But it was met with one of my offspring replying, “Well, you kind of brought that on yourself.” Like would it kill anybody just once, just once, to have some kind of curiosity about the woman who raised them.

So the reply was not, “Oh mom, tell me, what made you want to go back to school? What are you learning about? What kinds of things do you want to do when you’re done?” I say it was the flesh because it was, that Achilles heel of mine to want their admiration. I thought, “Oh my gosh this is my flesh. This is the thing that is always tripping me up.” I went and told my husband about it and he said something that helped me to feel better. I told him thanks for listening and that he did a good job.

The second time was in the bathroom this morning. Josh was wiping out the sink and he said, “Sorry, I’m just cleaning up my beard hairs so you don’t hold it against me.” I felt so unknown. Like after all these years he still doesn’t see it. I said, “I don’t hold it against you for not cleaning up beard hairs. I hold it against you that you don’t appreciate that I don’t hold it against you for not cleaning up beard hairs.” He laughed and that was all.

That I’m not like those other women. That’s what you and everyone needs to appreciate. It really is awful and I thought about this for a while and how much strife it’d brought into my life. Such a colossal waste of emotion, not to mention being a quality that makes a person unpleasant. It was one of those things that faded with the morning’s progression. I ate breakfast, started school, kept on with the laundry. “Hush flesh, you’re dead now”, I actually thought it to myself, confident now in my beliefs.

I’m kind of sad break is over. We had such a nice time and now it’s slowly turning into something else that isn’t it, as in, it’s a new moment in time. The kids are back to school. I will start again soon. Ethan will have to go back sometime this weekend. I actually had one of my class meetings this afternoon and still have to come up with another video for tomorrow. Sometimes I question whether counseling is all that helpful for people.

Classmates were telling of cancellations and no-shows. How you think you’re starting to form rapport with a person and then they quit coming or move away or what have you. I remember thinking similar things in Pharmacology. Why are we putting so much stock in these pills and not asking more questions as to what’s causing their symptoms? If a pill can so greatly effect the body, how much more a plate of good food? It’s the idealism, the partial truths mixed with the not so black and white realities of being alive.

There were five of us for supper this evening. The high school kids were at a youth group meeting and we moved all the table papers to the far end of the table and then we ate at the other. Somebody commented on how big Zorro is already. I think he’s having some kind of growth spurt because to me he looks like an actual dog. They say he’ll get even bigger. For a moment I imagined getting another one, a puppy from birth.