One of the boys came in and told me Ethan was running a 5k at the track meet. Oh that’s right, it’s tomorrow, I said. He said, no it’s tonight. I don’t even really remember knowing there was a meet and had to search my email for the coach’s links. It wasn’t the greatest time but I wasn’t expecting that. Within 15 minutes of hearing about the race he was on the living room tv and everybody was watching including grandma from her house.

I couldn’t watch the whole thing. Actually I probably could’ve but I’m used to leaving and watching it later. It’s just easier that way. But I texted him good luck and heard from him a little bit after the race. This afternoon I met Elianna and Judah at the Y because she and I had scheduled to Y days on my calendar and I’d already cancelled one earlier in the week. I didn’t have energy to go today either but I went and just dealt with it for the sake of trying to keep and build our relationship.

Judah wanted to drive home so he did. I did have him text me so at least there was that. The two of them had been running before I was there. Elianna wanted to do some kind of strength training and I planned the days because I just wanted to do something. It is hard this time of year to walk outside for whatever reason. I keep saying to myself that when I’m done with school I’ll get in shape again. I just haven’t been able to keep it a priority.

There really are only so many things I can be steady with. I said something the other day about wanting to dye my hair and Josh said, “Why?” Because women who dye their hair are prettier, I said. I was thinking of this girl in my class who does hair for a living and her hair always has a pretty color and looks nice. We have to watch ourselves on these videos and this last one had me thinking I could stand to do my hair more or try to tame the wild strands. The outfits still need work.

But again this all takes time and money, things that are limited and that I’m already spending. The next day I found several printed papers in the bathroom with the cover title Caring For Grey Hair. I appreciated that. He insists I should just let it go grey when it comes instead of trying to pluck them out which I’ve mostly given up doing. It really doesn’t bother me all that much but I still did a quick grey check over before leaving for group.

I think sometimes that this line on my face is a scar, and maybe even a punishment that was allowed as a reminder. The line I don’t even think about there but with the hair today I did. There was a new woman there for group who is also a practicum student from school. One student in group was okay but two for me felt like it changed the dynamic. I didn’t think of it until later, but if I get the chance I’d like to take a chance before process group and ask the others how they feel.

About having these students here. Part of group is being able to be honest about what’s happening even if it isn’t necessarily comfortable. I told the supervisor that one of the clients was using group more as walk-in counseling, disrupting the group every time he comes in, and that makes it unfair and uncomfortable for the other women in the group. There is a time and a place for what he needs but group is for people who are doing the work.